[JohnNobody]

Ohh I was in Dublin the other year. Great City but expensive!

[JohnNobody]

Firstly well done on the 73 Euro shop! It was your ideas with the bacon cabbage thing that got me through last time! Heading that way again!

I dont know what to say about your offer it is very kind of you to even consider saying this. Really is. Confused as to what to say or how to answer ???
are u north or south ?

[JohnNobody]

Yes Micky I agree. Much of the track racing is fixed. There was a documentary are how greyhound races can easily be fixed. But ultimately it is the old concept that all us CGs know “the bookies never loose” it is just we convince ourselves time and time again of the opposite. Your doing great!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Charles thanks for your reply. No GA meetings around here. Not in my area but after the hols will look to see what else is around in the way of support. Waiting on a referall for some “therapy” should be interesting to see what comes out of that.

I have self excluded at every place I gamble to. But they are always more online casinos. Next week I will give gamblock another go on my PC. Cant buy the licence until then. But I remember how I took it to bits last time I had it onstalled on my system.

Financial accountability I maybe able to approach my brother hand over my bank card to him. When he gets back he is away a few days. The things you mention are all good and and can assist but it is also more than that. It is about whole change of mindset and being able to manage my addiction. Ultimately I have to be responsible for my own actions. I hope I can get into the group a later on for sure. JN.

[JohnNobody]

Just got off the phone to the Netline for CGs. Spoke to someone for around an hour. Looking over the choices that “I need to make” rather than should. Everything I worked for in the past has gone. Home , relationships, business, everything. I live in a small 1 bedroom flat and am more isolated in my life than ever before. I dont feel the pain of the last loss yet. I am still numb. But I know that it is coming and that I most probably wont sleep well over the next few days. Only myself to blame on this. I have a budget of around £2 per day to get me through to my next payday. I wont starve not just yet. Christmas is upon us and I am absolutely dreading it.

We spoke about the need to focus on daily achievements … rather than long term focus. I know that when I gamble it is to bring comfort and escape. The comfort begins to set in as soon as I make the choice that I am going to gamble. And culminates each time with the same result. A vicious circle of destruction, selfishness and self hate.

Do I want to be a gambler ? Nope.
Do I want to overcome my addiction ? Yep
Can I actually start to do this ? I have no idea.

One thing that appealed to me when speaking to the netline was to try to evaluate each day to see what I can do to improve my situation even if only by a very small margin. And the same again at the end of the day. What did I manage to do for self improvement no matter how small.

I will be awake now pacing the flat in-between bouts of trying to work. Horrendous … People here give such good support and advise. I feel as if I really do not deserve it. I have major obstacles to overcome in the coming days. A real test. In a perverse way I am looking forward to meeting those challenges and see what changes I can effect. I maybe down but am not out for the count. More determined than ever to overcome what I have become due to my gambling.

[JohnNobody]

Well said goodbye to my dad yesterday. Met him for a few hours. He left for Italy today. And I just saw his plane landed safe. My brother said the house is empty now. Its in many ways a sad time. Mum no longer here. The family home locked up until January 2015. But I am glad we got him over there. He did not need to face Christmas here with loosing mum.

I could not go with him Vera, and in truth would not want to at this moment. Instead I will work the Christmas both eve and day. I hope to be going to see my son shortly afterwards. Hope …..

It has been a horrible year looking back. A year of losses and I dont just mean on the gambling front. This addiction though does not make things any easier. Gambling is a false sense of escape. Momentary empty and without meaning. I am still quitting for that I feel okay. I wont stop trying to quit. I have to do this.

I had a few very down weeks and still do not feel right within myself. But I have to accept that things cant change overnight and without self investment. I read here so many storys of people battling there own demons and very real life hardships. And the storys of those who are finally overcoming and beating there addiction. If one can do it then so can others. I have to hold onto that.

[JohnNobody]

HI Kpat and Sad for your comments. I do read things here … more lurking at the moment. Plus I get email alerts for the threads I have subbed to.

Still no gambling. Got through a payday without doing my brain in. That I can say is some progress. So am doing okay on that. My father leaves for Italy his home country Thursday. Big journey for him. He needs it after mum died. Will be the first time in my life not one parent in my Country. Strange and somewhat sad feeling. But I wont show that to my father. He needs this and especially through Christmas. Take his mind of things.

So I am still here still fighting still trying ….. I hope everyone else is doing okay. Its hard a hard hard addiction to beat. But least we here.

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks all for checking in on me. Sorry no replys up until now. Been working on myself. and working. and trying to get my head straight. I am still here. Have not gambled. thats a plus. I came close saturday night I think it was. But self excluded soon as the software was open. Wont gamble today. I can not speak for next week or the week after. At the moment my life is about living hour to hour not even day to day.

Hope everyone else is holding up i really do. they are good people here i know that. thanks again for your support.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thanks for sharing your thoughts and words. I do not know how self aware I am though! Mistake after mistake …. maybe trial and error … and then needing to learn from our past rather than repeating the cycle. I do not know.

Im of little help to others here at the moment and I know I am in quite a self centered place at this time. Lots of thoughts and emotions going through me daily. I know the value of living a healthy lifestyle. Something I need to certainly address so thanks for your views on that.

For me Christmas well I am resigned to the fact it will be spent on my own. The situation not totally of my own doing but I could have given myself other options if I had not gambled. Instead I shall work – xmas eve – day and the day after. Nothing else to do. I will avoid bars and pubs at that time as I dont think it would be good for me.
But that day and time will pass. I long for January!

I hope you are okay within yourself. I have time on my hands today so will be catching up here how others are doing. Thank you for your continued support Sad – it means allot!

[JohnNobody]

Spent some of the day hanging around at my fathers house. He was in the District hospital due to get some “tests” on his throat. In the end he was not fit enough for the anesthesia so we got the call to pick him up. He I and no doubt the rest of the family were relieved in some way because he is due to fly abroad for Christmas to be with his Family in Italy. I am glad he has this chance rather than being in pain in some hospital. What will be next month when he returns will be. Got me thinking about living in the moment. Living even an hour at a time.

I think of taking my life many times. My depression is a part of me. It defines me as a person as to where I am at right now. It hunts me down and follows me through my every waking hour. At times I have zero strength to fight its continual and never ending advance. But I can press pause I am learning that. Pause to drink a glass of coke. Pause to watch a movie. Pause to eat some food even if my stomach is in bits. It returns … always along with those thoughts about entering the terminal sleep. But for this week I have bought myself time. I stop what I am doing and switch of my brain. Movies can be a great escape from the wretched reality’s of life. I know all the feelings and sense of hopelessness will be there when I stop fighting but taking things 1 moment from the next sometimes can buy us time.

This for now is the truth of where I am and who I am.

[JohnNobody]

Where to start. Been a horrible week. Horrible. Feeling drained. Took a shower and shaved. Looked like a lunatic. Gambling sucks it all from you. To the point where it becomes the only focus. Have managed to clear the kitchen somewhat. There was actually stuff living in the sink!!!! It was terrible. Tomorrow with my father at the hospital all day. He going under for tests on his throat and stomach. That is a worry.

I have not gambled but am not counting days. The situation is dire to say the least here. I watch the calender and see it creep towards Christmas. For it to be January now. Tomorrow will be the same as today. I feel like driftwood at the moment. Thats all I can say.

[JohnNobody]

HI Tikki have read your comments on my journal. I wondered why I had not seen your name before and then saw your thread and can see your new here. Wanted to say hello and thanks! for what you wrote. You are in the right place. When we feel like we are loosing our grip this forum and its people can be a life saver in the very real sense of the word. Keep posting. John

[JohnNobody]

Hi Maverick nice to meet you even in a place like this. I am sorry you are struggling and yet you found the time to write here for me. I am thankful for this. And I guess by what you have written you do know about how “this addiction” can make a person feel. I wish you well I really do with your own struggles and battles!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi P im here. Have been even when not replying. Lurking reading. And yes no point counting the days P. Just take it as it comes. I have not to be honest thought about gambling. But I know that is false. Its like having a massive hangover and the last think you want is a shot of vodka. Sadly no groups as such near me. I did check. The one they do run is not I think up and on at the moment. Head is still a mess and cant make sense of it. Thank you though for your honest words and support P.!

[JohnNobody]

This touched me when I read what you wrote above. Kpat. Although I could not bring myself to reply then. Apologies for the delay. And yes no one can truly know how bad it can and does get unless they have been in the pit themselves. Its horrific! I cant do residential treatment. Simply can not afford not to work. There is something else I am thinking of doing. Some people I speak to. An organisation in London, who offer 4 days respite to talk in a house. Its called Maytree. Its for people close to edge. Its a one off and the relationship is with the house not the person you speak to. Maybe this will help I am unsure. But for you thanks from across the pond for your thoughts and prayers. John

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