[JohnNobody]

Hi yes decent read worry not on that. I think its good you are here facing your problem and your addiction. Proven time and time again to destroy anything and everything we build.

For me my gambling the past decade has been almost exclusive to online casinos. No method no system just blind pointless mad bets. I was never a success at gambling. I can count on my hand the times I won big. I lost count of the other times I lose huge long ago. It cost me everything. My business home like the lot. But here we are!!!

[JohnNobody]

Been a few days since I posted. I do though lurk on the forums pretty much daily. Paid half my rent will pay other half Friday night. Averted homelessness due to the kindness of the landlady. But next rent due Monday! So working flat out to get ahead on that.

I am aware more than ever one of the causes of my depression comes directly from when I gamble. Being here and wanting to quit is also about being honest with yourself and others I think. So this week felt good early on. First time in a long while apart from when I was away in Denmark. Slept well. Ate okay worked well. Then I gambled. Not a massive amount it was a few quid. I lost (I always loose ) but the feeling the comedown you would thought I would have lost a fortune. It messed up my sleep opened up all kinds of worry’s and I felt so mad at myself.

Those feelings were short lived as the amount was nominal but the feelings were intense. I self excluded immediately when I knew I was at risk of chasing or turning the whole thing into total disaster. But it is one of those eurika moments if that makes sense. I learned something more about myself.

Since then I am pushing forward again. No options to gamble online every single casino closed off. Sure new ones will always be appearing but I go for specific kinds of casino and software for my destructive and pointless fix. I feel strangely OKAY!

Meet with a woman I met for second time Sunday which in itself is a minor miracle. Is my confidence returning ? too early to tell …. let us see!

[JohnNobody]

Hi and welcome to GT. Just read through your whole story. Shocking absolutely shocking and excruciatingly painful to read! Even more shocking I identify so closely with almost every word you wrote. I was not a footballer and have not done the drugs but in every other way so similar. High rapid climb to the top and then smash it ends with zero left to show.

It is a brave post you have shared. You are taking steps to reclaim your life. You can and I suspect will rebuild but can never do this while you gamble. I am still taking on board what you wrote!!!

All the best and welcome again I look forward to you sharing more of what you have gone through. Truly horrendous and yet here you are. Kudos for that!!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Good choice you made coming here and even better choice on the coffee 😉 Keep fighting those feelings. I am.
Soon going for a walk clear the head and get ready to work the evening. Keep busy …. and dont gamble! thanks for the message. Great to read you are feeling more upbeat!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi P thanks for your comments. Came here now as strong urges to gamble / deposit today. Have not paid my rent yet waiting for funds to arrive in my bank over night. Im around £70 short on the rent for this month (payment is 3 weeks delayed already!) plus need something to live off. The gambler inside says do a deposit …. doubt your money …. pay the rent …. all good!

This is exactly how it goes. Then I deposit …. loose and do another “small” deposit to chase the one before that! God I so hate myself for thinking in this way.

I have not gambled but today will be pretty rough! Just hope I can keep busy with work and not give in to the urges. So far so good!

[JohnNobody]

** thanks P – Sad and others for comments **

Did not give into urges yesterday. Had a few thoughts today but didn’t act of them. Feeling financial strain again after 2 weeks of not really worrying when was away. Managed to stall a nasty debt until next week but pressure on to earn that money in the next 7 days.

Have spent nothing in the shops apart from milk. I am going on a mega tight budget. Eating base food. I have some money but need every penny for the rent. I wont starve. Loneliness crept in again. Got this damnn woman I speak to. We supposed to be meeting a week Sunday. But I am having doubts. I am maybe just not into that situation right now.

Thinking again strongly about my next move – relocation. New start. Get the money together. Dump all my junk and walk!

[JohnNobody]

Got over the urges. Buried myself in work. Could have maybe done more so far but stopped to eat pasta mid of afternoon and it wiped me out. Went for a walk to buy milk and get fresh air. Still down somewhat on the rent and cant close the gap much more before midnight tonight. So will have to face that this coming Friday.

Another debt breaths down my neck and this one can turn nasty for more reasons that 1. I will miss the payment on this one for this week but hope I can make ground by next week. Im short stacked at the moment and have been for an age. Need to really pull ahead of this. Bailiffs also hovering close by unpaid council tax. Luckily I have nothing for them to take and they wont get entry to my flat. The golden rule never EVER let a bailiff through the door. If you do your screwed as they can force entry next time round.

Will go the route of denying implied rights of access and start making payments next week direct to the council even though they wont deal with me now as its gone to collection. One thing for sure we can become mini experts in the harsher points of life such as debt collection agency’s. The joys of a failed and terribly useless gambler 😉

[JohnNobody]

Malcolm cant imagine how that must feel for you! I really cant. But he is an adult now and needs no permission from anyone to see you. Maybe try locate him, reach out, make contact, arrange to meet ? You are his father that counts and even though you have no been able to be his life it is not because you did not want to.

I know someone who had a similar situ but from the perspective of the child. They located there father. This happened when the child grew to a man around 25 years of age. They are now rebuilding there relationship. This young man was / is the step son of my brother. Who took him in as his own when he was a baby.

They have met and are building a new relationship and my brother welcomes this and supports this. There is always hope!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Killingit just read your posts and others who have contributed here. Some good reads on this thread! Your story is too familiar and painful to read at times with the losses and they way it totally overtakes of life. It is superb you are moving forward. Days turn into weeks and so on.

I have battled with gambling for at least the past 18 years. The last 12 of those it has been heavy. Lost hundreds of 1000s if not more. Throw in also a number of cars a house repo a very successful business and we go well over the golden 1 million mark. All chasing what ? The big win ? The thrill ? The escape ?

These days I walk around in tatty clothes do a job I dislike but it pays and struggle to cover even the basics of life. But am determined as you are to fully overcome this addiction. It starts in the gut and the mind. Getting control over those elements that control us. Like today I so wanna deposit into a casino. My mind tells me I can win. Im ready …. I have some money … I can pay my rent when I win ? I can buy a flight ticket to see my son when I win ? ……..

Then I stop and decide no thanks. I will work a few extra hours and see what gives …. keep fighting and moving forwards. And defo keep posting you write well!!!

All the best John

[JohnNobody]

Well got some urges quite strong to gamble right now. A bit of money I had forgotten about landed in my account earnings from last month. Overall around 90 down on the rent. Then the thoughts come to me if I can just win xxx amount!

So came here instead of gambling. Need to get through the day without placing a bet! Am working at the moment will try focus on that and by some miracle earn as much towards the rent as possible in the short time left before the cut off point to trigger payment this week!

A totally insane way to live on a wing and prayer day by day! Got to stop this. I just want the thoughts and urges to gamble to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

Still fighting 😉 onwards if not sometimes slightly sideways.
And thanks Kpat for your response seems we are in this together!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky think P sums things up well with her last reply to your thread here. In the grand scheme of things what is happening now and what you are going through is part of your own unique and very personal recovery.

These dark days will pass and be replaced by much brighter better ones. You can regain the lost ground. You have done this before and have the power in you now to do this again. Keep pushing forward Micky come on! Dont let this addiction beat you!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Maybe just maybe being totally open about your addiction with your wife could help ? So you do not have to face this alone in that way. I hear you on the stresses of possible loosing homes and such like. I hope you work this through and find the solutions you need. As you say the one thing we do not need is gambling. That way lies only ruin and madness.

Maybe your wife will work things out anyway as you have shown her the forum …. keep taking it one step at a time hour by hour if need be. Each day you dont give into the urges is a victory!

[JohnNobody]

HI Lizbeth thank you for your message on my thread. I am sorry to hear of what you have had to face. I have started to read through your “mammoth” journal here and can see you are facing many challenges. But facing them with gambling is has to be a positive. I am going to read more of your story. There is much in here I know that. Take good care! John.

[JohnNobody]

Have worked well tonight surprisingly given the current situ. Output near 90%. Annoying as this is what I can do when I put my mind to it and dont fall into the black filthy pit of gambling. If I could just maintain the work ethic and pushing forward without all these insane and utterly ridiculous relapses I know I would be swimming in clean water inside of 18 months.

Felt nausea again today and stresses. It hit me soon as I stepped off the plane. It stays with me with the odd dark thought and it really angers me. Am chatting lots to a girl I have only ever met one time in person. We seem to get along. We chat daily through the day through WatsApp and txt. She is funny makes me laugh but lives 2 and some hours away. Little bit hard faced emotionally and seems to not let her barriers down much. But I like her (I think) but am million miles away from a relationship at this time as I have zero to offer.
Am gonna hack through work I hope until 2 or 3am then eat dinner. Its wrong I know but I am back to the nocturnal lifestyle. I hate the day time in this country (loved it when was in Denmark) I may totally flip things around and do straight nights 5pm through to 5am and then kill as much of the day sleeping.

Writing things down can really help. Got a good message through from Gamtalk about the value of writing our “story” down. Link below for those interested. Hope its okay to include a link here but it is very on topic.

http://www.gamtalk.org/blog/how-writing-about-your-life-can-change-it

[JohnNobody]

A truly crap day. The holiday on Denmark is over. And im back to living with myself and own failings. Missed an appointment with a telephone Councillor I am having weekly sessions with. Got my dates messed up. Luckily she phoned today and so have re-scheduled.

I have placed myself squarely back in the shitt again. Rent way over due am still a few 100 short for the due date I promised the rent by. The debts I have are quite horrendous. I have food and some money on me so I wont starve and the lights are still on. I did pay my phone / net connection. So that is a plus.
It is truly mental the situations we place ourselves in. For what ? Days and weeks of stress depression and worry. I am trying to work out if my depressed state is because of my addiction or if the addiction makes me depressed if that makes sense ?

My last session was not even enjoyable in anyway shape or form. I could not have really cared if I had won or lost. So even in that sense it was totally pointless. Futile and of course took me away from doing other things which could enhance my life not destroy it. Oh well onwards …. as we all do.

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