[JohnNobody]

Sometimes it is good just to step back and be in the moment. Yesterday I was in a very dark place. Came here, spoke to people. Spoke to family. Then came home. Ate some food. Got warm … and watched a movie. Then slept. There is always another day …. it really is at times just being in the moment.

Block and make it as impossible as you can to ever gamble again! good luck!

[JohnNobody]

Took a walk to clear the head from the sleeping meds. Bought some bleach as my toilet now has living organic material in it and with my femme friend arriving I have to do something to make it partially livable. I am amazed how far my mess has built up. I have bin liners as per advise of someone here and will be doing a black bag temp clean up.

Basically shove everything into bin liners put it away and sort it after she has gone. The hangover both alcohol and gambling based has started to recede. I have to watch what money I have left to cover the weekend but think I will just about do it. Why on earth did I put myself in this place ??

Working also today. My income has been smashed this week. Staved off council tax payment until next week. A bailiff was at the door today for another old council tax bill. Pressure on all fronts. My own fault as I am gambled when I could have started to sort out my mess.

[JohnNobody]

A cash no card economy is the way forward and you are making right choices now even though it remains tough. You had the money on you and did the right thing Kpat! Payday tomorrow for you …. make it count in the right way! I am sorry I have not been any support to you as of late but I am rooting for you!!! Tough times yes but block by block you make progress!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Ask yourself this … is it all truly lost ? or is it the start of a new life ? Sometimes we need to reach rock bottom a very dark place before we begin again. You will never loose your son he is yours and loves you and needs you. Now is the hard time. Hard tough choices. Quitting and overcoming this addiction involves pain but through that pain comes liberty and freedom from the past.

It is good to you told your parents even though it wont feel like that now. Nothing is ever unfix able ever! You cant gamble not even 1 penny. Accept that and start to rebuild. Your business is at risk but is it lost ? Now is the time to focus plan and start to look at today and tomorrow. We can not change the past. You can do this!!!

[JohnNobody]

Took a sleeping tablet around 1am while watching a movie. It calmed me down. And then I slept. Woke up a while ago a bit groggy but at least I had did not have to face a loss this morning. I feel okay and good about handing over my card to my Niece Amber. It gives me a sense of some security as I know I can not gamble or it makes it really hard at the least.

My only other weak point is my paypal account which I need for work. That has a card attached to it. I am dropping that off at Ambers today. I need to cut all possible avenues of being able to deposit. Amber will deliver me 30 quid for food on Wednesday morning next week from my account.

I have given nothing to others here in ages and here you all are rallying and supporting me. I feel humbled by this. I want to be here for other people as well. Day 1 is today.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks to everyone who has supported me left replys and emailed me!!!

Tonight I handed over my bank card to my niece. She will by tomorrow have full control over my banking. Time now to be accountable. I can not continue with these lapses. I have to beat this!

Had some fresh air. Now going to maybe take a bath and then pop a sleeping tablet and hopfully come up tomorrow feeling not so dark. I am glad this wretched day is almost at an end.

[JohnNobody]

Just had a hellish call from my Sons mother. I have not paid child support at all. The selfishness of the compulsive gambler.
Today is just getting worse by the hour. A bad place to be in.

[JohnNobody]

Hi just read your posts. I wish you well your doing right reaching out getting all the help you can. I know the feeling of self excluding from the sites and then its a mission to find a site that is not blocked. It can become an obsession. The hard facts are simply not to gamble but it is not that simple is it.

I feel you can overcome this … you have time on your side. Not all is lost! Wishing you well

[JohnNobody]

Came of the tablets as they were giving me some really bad side effects. So back to Drs Tuesday to re-evaluate what can be done. Went out got drunk last night first time in a while. The day was fun but then I messed it all up coming home. I gambled. Right back to square one. Feeling it today on all fronts and not helped at all by the major hangover!

I detest my weakness. Hate myself for what I did. Saturday I have my female friend coming. Luckily I withdrew some cash so am not going to be flat broke. But I have not made it easy. I am not here for sympathy I am here cause I suppose I have no where else to go. Last night gambling was a blur. The loss was £200 . Just as I was starting to see sense and make small steps it all collapses. Work output virtually at zero today. Sick and tired of always loosing to the addiction.

[JohnNobody]

Started my course of Citalopram today. It will take a few weeks before the happy pills kick in. Have been warned they can make you feel worse before you feel better.

But also got Zopiclone for sleep. Only 16 doses not to be used each night but if / when I struggle to sleep. Maybe tonight when I finish work I will get a full nights deep sleep. I hope so.

Took me long enough to reach out to get the above help but its a step in what I hope is the right direction.

[JohnNobody]

Hi been away for a few days but thanks Kpat Sad Vera for replys. Not spent hardly anytime on here. Was at my dads for the weekend. No gambling. Got prescription for meds as went to Drs. Not started on them yet but will tomorrow. Dr was Okay I suppose but stiff but did his duty in maxing me out on tablets and made a referral to local shrink.

Date other week was fun went fine. Got a bit drunk ate too much food. Came home early evening. We may meet again but lots going on in my life right now. It is one of those down days today again. Seeing my father , aged and slow , him sat in the front room watching TV. He seems so lost much of the time without mum here anymore.

Came back to the empty flat … whats new . Anyway tomorrow will start on the meds – will keep working – will keep fighting – will keep planning. I detest depression. Detest it!!!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks P for your reply. I am all but useless at the moment with giving anything back to others here the past few days. But writing stuff down helps. Forgive my selfishness.

Have not gambled but dont feel good emotionally at the moment. Its been a rough few days. Have not gone out apart from 1 short trip to the shops and that was after dark.
Spoke with a councilor who calls me 1 time a week. It helped some. I need to go to my GP (been saying that for 3 months) to maybe look at medication for mood swings and the way I feel inside. Which many times is dead.

Sleep is shot and when it comes it is not quality sleep. Then at different times thoughts of gambling do come. I think of the escape hitting the big one so to speak but somehow dont know how am managing to deal with them the past days. One ray of sunshine managed to call the balifs off regarding a council tax debt. Did a deal direct with the council today on this. Other debts remain.

When does it actually end these awful feelings of losses that stretch not weeks nor months but years into the past. Wish I could wake up and have NO memory!!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat Sad and Vera for your reply’s I do read them all!

No gambling – and if it had not been for the bump the week would have gone easier emotionally. Managed to buy some days on “nasty” debts and clearing remainder of my rent tonight when my next money arrives. Then its into Feb.

Am out early Sunday. Used some free train vouchers Ii was given by the rail company as I got caught on Boxing day with delays. So it will be a cheap day to see this girl I met a while back. It all falls to bits though if for some reason my funds dont arrive tonight. I say that cause it shows just how close to the line we can live daily. And it is so tiring!

I feel strong in that I wont gamble. Im in the phase at the moment where I know I wont. But been in this phase many times before. Its the other periods and phases that are the worry. Somehow though I sense things are changing on a number of fronts and I say with caution these could be changes for the better finally.

[JohnNobody]

Woke up with a message from my brother about some “people” I need to meet to pay back a debt. I have had to tell him it needs to be rolled over until next week. Nothing to be done about it. It is not a good situation and brings home the truth about my current financial situation.

I get so tired of worrying and stressing over money. In the end what does it all mean ? Sick feeling in my stomach over the issue. Have been on detox since returning from Denmark. Not had a drink the past week and half. So my head is clear. Just need to have zero slips no matter if it is only a few quid! My mental state can NOT cope with it.

I am hating my situation this morning. Hating it I could scream ahhhh!!!! But I will be a good boy and focus on work. Have removed my email from a few more casino email lists where they “entice” you with so called freebies. Somehow I know I wont gamble the next few days at least which is something. Onwards!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat good to read your a few weeks down the road with your “last trip” ) long may it continue!

I have gone through what you have with regards to those old receipts and bits of paper linked to gambling. Went through an old email account that is still active. 100s of emails from casinos. Tons of “deposit” confirmations. It represents months and months of lost time and money that can not be replaced.

Try not dwell on the past even though it is good to sort through things it can be a bit of a pandoras box. The PC virus you have sounds nasty! AntiMalware is a free bit of software which is really good at digging out the nasty s. But hope you sort it! Here is to a full month without gambling!!

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