[JohnNobody]

Hi Malcolm great to see you back here and sounding so positive and ready again to kick this addiction in the teeth! Loved your last post!! You will get through this and I know you can beat this addiction through your own sheer determination not to let it beat you!! All the best John

[JohnNobody]

Went to the Dr’s and he agreed to adjust my medication to a lower dosage and also armed me with another round of sleeping tablets. The latter seems to be helping me more than the Citrilopram. Some nights I really struggle to sleep which does not help the situation. Neither I suppose does getting hooked on sleep meds but there you go.

Im a week now since my last fall from grace. Managed to push a “nasty” debt back to next week. The pressure financially is on me and next week will be tough going. But I have not gambled.

Missing my son like crazy and looking at how to afford a ticket to see him for a few days. It all comes down to being able to put the hours into the work I do. For me no work = no money. Double edged sword of being self employed. I feel okay within myself tonight … had a bit of a silent do with a woman I am getting to know but not going to stress on that. There is talk of us meeting up for a 4th time but lets see.

[JohnNobody]

I made right choices today! Over night some money came into my account. Instructed my niece to pay some of my Council bill (it already has a magistrates charging order attached to it) so that one was important.

But more importantly sent a western union wire to my Sons mum. Not a great deal of money but enough to buy a weeks worth of shopping or what ever. Told her I will make another wire next week. She was happy to get the money and was glad I sent it!

I could have easily gambled the money last night if I had access to my card … which I do not. It does not leave much left but I wont starve by any means. There is 1 nasty debtor that is expecting payment today but can not get to that. I can only do what I can do right now.

It is coming up to a week tonight where I lost my mind for the 10001 time. Smashing what had been a lovely day out. Anyway here I am. Alive and fighting. Even if I did get my bank card the bank account is almost empty and I am living on a cash economy right now.

Now I am off to the Drs again to see about the medication. I am hoping he will give more sleeping tablets as they are really helping me. Keep fighting everyone!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi it does not matter if you won or lost it does not matter even really how much you are doing. 2k or 20k the fact is you can not gamble! and if you do you will loose even more and eventually everything. I speak from personal experience. The money you lost is gone. It will never come back it does not belong to you anymore. Rather than focus on the lossses and the game which still seems so strong in your mind rather than that focus on quitting and overcoming.

Even if today you got lucky (thats all gambling is luck with zero skill needed long term) and won 20k or 200k that would not change a thing in the long term as it would all be gambled back. You did right posting here but come on you have to leave the game get it out of your mind and start being serious again about recovery or it will destroy you.

I am rooting for you as you sound terrifyingly like me …. and I do not want you to be like me. I really dont 🙁

[JohnNobody]

Hi Fritz you wrote
“act like a big shot, have a few more drinks, act like an ass, lose the rest of the money, go home and cry and think about suicide”

This I fully understand and it is awful. Been at that point so many times I have lost count! You quit before and can quit again … just this time make it permanent. Keeping going to the GA meetings, get as many blocks in place. Carry NO money. Have NO access to cards. Wear your addiction openly on your sleeve. Hide it from no one. Make yourself fully accountable. This is the hard part …. the early days but your here. Keep posting my friend! And welcome to GT 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hi you should quit now right now! No compulsive gambler wins in the long term and most dont even win in the short term. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you winning could be the worst thing that has happened as it keeps you hooked , it keeps the fallacy of gambling alive. This addiction is sneaky you are correct. What you should do now is block yourself from every poker site and get into quit mode ASAP. But I suspect sadly you will not do that and will think you can win even more 🙁 I really hope I am totally wrong on this. I really do. But soon as you start betting again it will go and probably with massive interest on top. QUIT NOW! I hope you make the right choices for yourself!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat I smoked for years. But switched to the electronic kind over 2 years ago and never looked back! I am not saying it is for everyone but it certainly helped me quit over night. I am on really low dosage now of just 6mg and its a damn sight cheaper than the real thing and really kicks the craving or can for some. So maybe that is an option you could look into.
It is a huge market with lots of choices and I feel better loads better since switching. Dont cough my guts up anymore ect. But I do know how hard it is to quit. Hope you dont mind me mentioning the electronic approach. But I know what you mean about gambling messing other parts of our life up as well. For some its smoking some booze some both and some drugs of another kind. I suppose we have to take a total lifestyle change approach when we look to stop out gambling which by what you shared on your post is what I think you are wanting. take care Kpat always rooting for you!

[JohnNobody]

5 days now since I last gambled. I do not have my debit card on me and went through my emails and dropbox account removing all photos I had taken of my debit card. I took the pictures to verify my account at the numerous casinos I gambled online at.

I have and am getting urges to gamble but need to stay strong. This week is bad financially but hey when is it not ?
I am making a payment to my sons mum tonight so hope she gets that tomorrow or the next day. Paying a council tax bill and then will have a little left over for food.

My work output was okay yesterday but could have been better. I wont / cant gamble today and my account is at zero. Had an appointment with the Drs tomorrow as I need to look at different meds. The Citrilopram knocked me for 6 but I am feeling it now …. those heavy thoughts …. worsening sleep pattern again. I hate it! Was such a good weekend and now back to the dreary life.

One nasty debt still massively outstanding I can not pay this week. Just not enough money. Last weeks gambling took care of that.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Malcolm great to hear from you! Brilliant move to self exclude! Do it with every bookmakers that you can! Make it your mission put those blocks in place and get what ever help you can! all the best

[JohnNobody]

Its harsh what you have put yourself through. I and no one here can or will judge. Been there right where you are just with a different game. But the game does not matter. The bad beats good bets bad bets or what ever. All of that is immaterial. The fact is it is not the game choice but the addiction which has to be beaten. It would not have mattered if you were 10k up as you were in the zone and sooner or later would have gambled it all back (with interest) as CGS we can not gamble anywhere on any game. We know that. What you did do though is come back here and share your agony … this is a positive! It shows you want to quit and you want to beat your addiction and not the other way around. I would say that you have like me the gamblers fallacy as to what is and what is not gambling. And what you should or should not fess up here on the forum about. I can only speak for myself when I say if I spend so much as a pound on a scratch card I have gambled. I can not afford that pound. Some would say a scratch card is not gambling its just small money fun. But to me it is. As an addict I can not go near anything that involves placing a wager with the chance to win more. But in the end you came here and did a good thing for yourself.
Focus now on today and then tomorrow and onwards from that point. You can come through this even though I know it feels really bad at the moment.

Everyone here supports you know that!

[JohnNobody]

Malcolm no matter what your situation no one will judge you here! Why not make a post here …. let people know how you are ? it could help!

[JohnNobody]

Kpat you give so much to people here including your support to me. In the midst of your own struggles it is a testament to who you are that you can and do give!

I love reading that you have not gambled since 1/4/2015 and yes debts and worry over debts are triggers and ones that wont go away but also we know from bitter experience that those debts would not get paid anyway if we did win after gambling. We would simply gamble it all away plus anything else that is left and the pile of debts would just get bigger and bigger.

Winning at gambling for CGs is like a very short term very high interest loan. We pay it pay rapidly and usually with massive interest. Not worth it at all! Try focus your energy and your faith on how you will make those debts fall away without giving in to your addiction. You will over come the money worrys no matter how long it may take. You have done so well keep going !!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat and P for your comments. My loo is still clean! and My Niece still has hold of my card.

The weekend was nice too nice in fact. Got my femme friend back to the station this afternoon. We met yesterday I was feeling stressed and somewhat panicy … maybe the downturn from coming off the meds and the after effects of everything I did last week. I managed to relax a bit when we were sat in the station bar. Had a few drinks but not many. I was on soft drinks and tea by 8pm.

We stayed home in the end in my hovel. She is easy going and funny and very down to the earth. Somehow in the end I told her I was a CG. She was asking about my life n stuff. Felt strange somebody asking me face to face. So I just blurted it out. Told her I now have a cash economy and part a small part of my story. Her reaction was at first a laugh. Not in a bad way but because she said she knows nothing of gambling.

She did not judge but did not really understand either. How could she it is alien to her. CGs can live almost in a twilight underworld where only those affected by gambling can understand. She knows now I have certain issues 😉 the meds the docter the therapy ….. she does not understand depression. Has never suffered it … but that is a way is like fresh air to me. Her attitude is not uncaring just matter of fact. She did not judge me though. Then we ate chinease food and watched a movie about a psycho women killing her husband lol …. but it was so good to do something normal.

For the first time in 3 years I felt part of the human race again for a few hours. Surreal. And without going into personal stuff to have someone laid next to me in my pit was different and I slept well without any tablets.

Back now in my flat. It is still clean apart from some dishes. Wednesday I will pick up money from my niece for food. She will make some payments for me I need to cover and that will be as close as I get to my money.

For the first time also in many years I am missing having my female friend here. That is not a bad feeling in fact it is good because it shows I am feeling normal human emotions that all people can go through other than the drain and toxicity of depression and gambling.

I have a long way to go but this weekend it felt good. And I am alive and today I have not gambled. I am thankful for that.

[JohnNobody]

Hi I think you are doing well and taking a good step coming here. I would not focus on trying to get your money back either through gambling or by hoping the casinos refund your deposits. Because in all likely hood they wont no matter what. Accept the fact the money has gone it does not belong to you. And then take the next step to focus how you can start to stop yourself gambling for good.

Wish you well with this.

[JohnNobody]

HI Lizbeth im sorry to read what you shared.I suppose there is not time limit on grief and missing someone whom you love dearly. What a wonderful way to celebrate your Husbands life though doing the walk for Cancer. This vile disease took my mum also. Wear your husbands name on your tshirts with pride! And yes sometimes life is not easy nor does it seem fair. Thinking about you at this time. John.

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