[JohnNobody]

Hi all. thanks P and others for your messages. So rude of me not to reply. But I have been busy away from here. And seems like many posts and threads that are happening I have catch up to do for sure!

So quick update. Gamble free (still) no intention of going back I hope!
Started a new contract which brings in money daily which is a boost. Get paid through every few hours depending what I earn so having more cash flow helps. Even though still broke.

Bought a ticket to see my son. Fly out week on Friday. Feeling low within myself again the past few days though. Gotta get the head straight – go to remained focused. Its April already!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Well reading replys here seems like a nerve hit with “counting the days” I can see how this valuable for many but at the same time can be so damn intense. We can spend so much time telling ourselves NOT TO GAMBLE RESIST THE URGES – I NEED TO QUIT that it becomes utterly draining. And does not really free our mind from gambling. Even counting the days gets us thinking of gambling and when (if) we lapse we feel crushed as if we have murdered someone or committed some horrendous act.

I choose now never to count as I said. When I think about gambling / casinos winning big I dont dwell on it. I think past that point. Do something but do not put pressure on myself. I know the urges pass. I have slipped around 3948438349234932 times ….. and always came back to quitting. The difference is the past 3 years I had no real goals no real vision of where I wanted to be. That was destroyed in the Tsunami that was my life. But night gives way to light and I started to wake up again. Started to feel passionate about life again. Small but definitive steps. Plus I have a woman in my life which helps. The loneliness the past 3 years nearly killed me!!!! I looked in the mirror and saw only a monster staring back at me. These days I still see an ugly chimp but I care not lol. There I was this past sunday in a bar drinking a beer with a girl whom I am starting to have feelings for. I looked like a tramp with my cheap jeans, dreadful shoes and even worse haircut. (I cut it myself do not ask) but it was fun and it was enjoyable. And I felt something when I said goodbye to her until next time.

So here I am poorer than all church mice in the world but still here. I need to work 6 months solid now to build up the capital I need and then its restart! I will bore you a bit later with the idea on this. But it is a plan. Something we ALL need.

I have read all your replys and many of you mean so much to me in ways you will never know. If people need me I hope I am here for you!!!

< will remove the email tomorrow but its here it case anyone needs to blast off. Come on good people FIGHT!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Vera yes being of meds gives me a clear head. I sure get some down days but I take a kick it in the teeth approach now. In my brain when I start to work things over im switching channels more and more. I dont dwell on quitting I just be in the moment and plan for the future as much as I can. I will never count how many days or weeks it is since I last gambled as for me it is pointless and makes no sense. Its now that matters. I will always be a gambler but choose not to as much as I possibly can.

But I am soon before the end of this year going to take a huge gamble in the way of investment. All in …. it will be either make or break. Let us see but I am not afraid of it. Keep at it Vera I know how determined you are!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Maverick yes I did loose my business in the end and a few homes and a few cars and everything else. I would say around 80% due to my addiction maybe a few points less maybe a few points more. Who knows ? But it does not matter now. I am learning to let go of what is gone. That held me back for so long grieving for the past.
Each situation is different and although I cant give qualified help I know something about dealing with debt / getting out of tough corners. It would depend how close to the edge everything is with your biz. I am more than happy to give advise based on my own experience which may or may not fit your circumstances.

For me it was about letting go and starting afresh -) which is where I am at now. Down but never out. We need balls to climb out of the pit …. I refuse to drown! Here for you for sure!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks for the comments while I have been absent from here. I have been lurking here and reading the email alerts I get through. I just felt I needed to take a step back for a while for my own personal reasons.

I feel like I am moving into a better place mentally now. I decided not to continue with my medication in any form. Spoke it through with someone and even on half dosage it had rank side effects for me. So its cold turkey for me. Strangely I think the short time I was on the happy pills it shocked my system. Overall though for the fist time in months I do not feel the black heavy cloud of depression around me.

My gambling addiction is still around me but it no longer holds me in a vice like grip. Slowly making sense of my life and pushing forward with things I need to achieve before this years out. Off to Denmark soon to spend time with my son. Managed even to pay child support the past few weeks and give my son money for a school trip to Paris that he is on right now.

I read here lots of peoples storys about the struggle and sheer hell of where this addiction takes us. Am I survivor ? too early to tell. Will I finally make good things in my life rather than one river of cra@p after another ? I recon I can.
Onwards and thanks again for the comments left for me 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Took a walk with my niece today. Spring was all around. Was speaking to her about my father. He is missing mum terribly these past days. He found her glasses. When I told this to my niece I started to cry. First time in months and outside in the open. Something about her glasses …. felt the pain and loss in that moment like it was day one and in some ways it was more painful. All because of her glasses. I miss my mum terribly today. thats all I have to say right now.

[JohnNobody]

Well just to chime in here about meeting away from this site. I am in regular email contact with a few people here and far from encourging each and one another to gamble it is has helped not to gamble. I think reaching out to others supporting others either here or elsewhere can only be a good thing. When I gamble nothing on earth will stop me. But its the “me” that chooses to do my nuts in, no one else. But I suppose it is very much a personal choice.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat for your message 🙂 Been there where others can see the casino deposits etc on bank statements mortifying! Probably would not be a none CG but here we are !

Bet free still and totally broke but not starving. Will hopefully get some kind of money in this week but you know I will roll with the punches and keep pressing ahead. Worked pretty well today no thoughts of gambling. My head is clearer than it was 2 weeks ago.
From tomorrow this week starts to fall apart – the phone will ring, people will chase – I will be checking my inbox for “pay me now or else” emails but I will deal with it. I recon with current payments another week and I can get some breathing space so long as they are no more nasty surprises on the way. It is a given that if I gamble all of that will go to hell and without doubt thats how I would feel “hellish”

keep fighting!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi good you are off to GA what ever helps I say! Although I am not a 12 stepper in that sense. I would though advise as much as not focusing on the losses we incur equally as important not to focus on the wins or those “get out of jail” breaks that we are given at odd times. Those thoughts will only lead you right back to gambling and as Vera said it could then all end in bitter tears.

Soon as I think of gambling I switch channel or try to. I can only focus on today and the next few days and I am building internally a hatred for my addiction. I always try picture a dog returning to its own vomit when I think of gambling. Which is basically what it is when we give into our addiction.

Remove ALL access to money. At the moment you cant trust yourself and neither will others. Have no point of entry. Then you work on yourself as you have already started and do what is needed to change from within. Good luck!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi cant write much as about to go out. But immediatly NOW hand over ALL access to ALL money to your wife. Cards / online banking and any other kind of access to money. If you do not do this today I can almost guarantee one of 2 things.
1 : You WILL gamble again and probably very soon
2: You will loose absolutely everything.

The writing is on the wall as I sat where you were some 4 years ago and yes I lost EVERYTHING. Please act now before it is too late. Time to play hard ball here and get real about this. The gambling will destroy you. Don’t let that happen I implore you!!

Heres hoping you make the right choices TODAY! All the best John

[JohnNobody]

Thanks all for your reply’s. And yes Sad it does make us horribly financially vulnerable and so the knock on effects of any kind of delay can be horrendous.

This is not a blessing in disguise though as I already have zero access to my own money but was going to push ahead this week and now cant. I have no intentions of even trying to gamble or get my debit card back. And the bank account is empty anyway.

Bought some food have a few quid. I wont starve but am hating that I have to phone my landlady (AGAIN!!!) but this time through circumstance above and out of my control.

So much this week going hit the fan. Council tax deal will fall through but nothing to be done. I will fight through though and will not gamble anywhere. Shows me I need to be much stronger financially and soon as I can regain FULL independence over my own income and cut out the middle man.

I will either have my own business up and running by the end of this year or will be sectioned ha ha …. watch this space I am down but not out! Onwards keep fighting the good fight people!!!

[JohnNobody]

HI yes it is crap week now. Just got news that now the “head office” not answering emails nor phone calls. This is a bad place to be in right now with my economy so fragile. I am screwed on all fronts and have had to quickly switch to working with another company but at least 2 and half weeks before any money comes through from them.

Angry that I am at the mercy of other people due to my pathetic addiction. I have no idea how I will go through this week. First time in months I was due to pay my rent within only 3 or 4 days of being late and now this. I sometimes truly wonder what the point is!!!! Society owes us nothing neither does the world … but it can suck to be screwed by people.

[JohnNobody]

Well sometimes things happen out of our control! Not to do with gambling I am still free of that. But a company I do some work for slammed me with a “delay” in payments until later this month. Right before I was due to get a payment in. Have told them this is not acceptable but they not sure what they can do about the delay!

This kind of thing really gets me down. It may be small money to some but to me its vital. Got council tax / rent / food / child support to pay this week. None of it so far is going to happen. Typical I get back into financial mess now due not to gambling or my own stupidity but that of others. It always rains ALWAYS! This week is going to be a hard one. Could scream !!!!

[JohnNobody]

Katrina Hi, your NOT worthless !!! In spite of having a rough weekend you were strong enough not to give into your urges. You have done great! 7 days no gambling. Dont let what others do no matter who they are drag you back to the gambling habits. Temporary escape is good … movies and such like. I have watched a ton of box sets online. Loads of movies anything to take the mind from the gambling.
Here is to another gamble FREE day for you Katrina! Keep posting let us know how you are. Rooting for you!!! John

[JohnNobody]

Hi MrJames no judgments here just support advise and place to share by the bucket load. Keep posting it can help make sense of your feelings. Better on here than gambling! And I am sure everyone or almost everyone here can and does relate to your very own personal story. All the best John

[Author]

Posts