[JohnNobody]

Hi im sorry you are in a bad place with your addiction but you have made a very positive step coming here! Lots of help great advise and support to be had. Those terminals in the bookies are an utter curse. I have worked with different software providers and can assure you even though they state they are “random” they use a very specific RNG which is always bias towards the operator. Nothing you can do no strategy no system can overcome this as it is hardwired into each server that runs these monstrosities!

A person may win on the very short term but will ALWAYS loose in the slightly longer term. I know myself as an addict I dont take such things into account when I have been in a gambling frenzy . But when I gave myself time to stop / pause I can see the reality of what this form of gambling is. Try stop for 1 day. When the urge comes do something else. Anything. And then you may be surprised how that moment passes and before your know 1 day turns into 2 …

Keep posting and let us know how you get on! JN.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thankyou for your words. I know through what you have written that you have gone through your own pain. And yes those first moments for everything are terrible after loosing a much loved one. The last 2 sentences you wrote really do resonate with me and others I hope.

[JohnNobody]

Feeling today has been a good day overall. I did not gamble and overcome a strong urge to make a “small” deposit. A few years ago when I lost my business it took with it a job I loved. It involved having to be creative, working at break neck pace and was always changing. When the business went under all that was lost and I was lost.

The Job I am doing now is rote and boring but is a means to an end. A possible way to build up the capital for my “restart” in life. I have spent the last few days going back to the places online where I used to frequent so often when I had it good. It felt like going home lol although much has changed with that industry in the 3 or so years I have been out.

It has kept my mind focused and alert and has increased my tentative hope for the future. I am starting from nothing and have to earn every penny to begin again as I cant even get a bottle of milk on credit. I have no idea if I will succeed but I am determined to give it everything I have.

Coming to this forum and the support I have in my short time here has helped me immensely I am so grateful for that and to you all. I have a long long way to go and the journey has only just begun. But if I with all my failings can think about starting again without gambling then so can others.

[JohnNobody]

Yes MIcky makes you think dont it ? …. and you make a great choice everytime you decide to spend your OWN money on YOU and YOUR son! Betting shops even though not my thing I know have changed now and are more like mini casinos but with much worse odds. Gone are the days from the past for the occasional bet on a dog or horse. But that dont matter to me as I can never do occasional. The FOBTs are a disgrace to this country and should be banned outright! But thats a whole other topic. cheers JN.

[JohnNobody]

Just had strong urge to deposit into a casino. Stopped myself. Came here. Day 2 fully clean. Need to focus focus focus!!! It always starts with “just £10.00” which then invariable turns into a savage assault on my already very delicate finances and ends up with my meager bank balance being at 0.00 or close to 0.00.
Have hit uninstall. And focusing on what it feels like when the win does NOT come in and I walk away with nothing. Rant over …. moment passing!

[JohnNobody]

Had a kind of productive day. Am working on ideas to get my work / business life restarted. The work I am doing now pays a few bills and could bring an “ok” life (if I dont gamble) but the job is rote without challenges or any kind of creativity. I need more.

My own challenge is how to start again from zero point which is where I am at. But at least it has filled my time researching the market so to speak. See how I could proceed. It has meant no gambling and allowed me to feel a bit better in myself. First time I have felt some hope in a long long time. I am now determined to overcome my addiction and will do everything in my power to cease ALL gambling. I am going to call this my day 1. As in my head I feel ready. Finally I have something to work towards which does not involved depositing my guts at a casino! onwards….

[JohnNobody]

Micky that is great that you are on your 10th Day without gambling!!! If you can do 10 you can do 20 … and so on! Taking what ever forms of support you feels help is good. I have made some choices and am forming plans of where I want to be in the coming months. None of it includes gambling.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Micky it is. And I know our dad needs us. I am so sorry to hear of your own loss Micky of your mum. You know how hard it is but also life continues for us all. Thanks for your support and words. JN

[JohnNobody]

Went to visit my mother’s grave. A few of my brothers arrived. Laid flowers, my father put a cross in the ground. We all grieved in our own way. Windy day. A day without gambling. Another day. Need to keep fighting thus bitch of an addiction.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Micky tomorrow decided will go and register with the local GP and then get an appointment and will see what kind of support / help could be given. thanks.

[JohnNobody]

Well did not gamble yesterday despite have had some drinks. I did finally stop short of a total binge. Came home cooked some rather bad food and then somehow managed to do 2 hours work. Vera thanks for your messages yesterday. It actually made a difference! I really have to get on top of this situation and get my life kick started again!!! Feeling okay in that I did NOT gamble. One day at a time.

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks for the comments and yes Micky I have heard of that book. I am glad its helping you through your own very difficult time. Its frustrating not having any GA near me so I know what you mean about that. Maybe I need to finally go back to my GP and get some meds of some kind. Take care Micky

[JohnNobody]

No Vera they do not. My brother used to. It is an impossibility for me to put this into them at this time with the recent loss of my mum. Good luck with your endeavours of emptying the bedroom

[JohnNobody]

Could not stand the isolation of the flat a moment longer. So found myself in a bar. The beer dulls the pain. Thoughts strong on gambling today. I have become totally socially isolated apart from 1 brother and my father. But they live 15 miles away.

Social isolation just one of the many ‘rewards’ bestowed upon me as a thank you for my addiction and my inability to over come it. I should be working now. Still 200 short on what I need for next week. But right now I could not care less. They can throw me on the street.. Makes no difference.

[JohnNobody]

Hi yes I did , have done it many times and I admit it always gives me back a small bit of power over that “1” casino. I can identify with what you said when you lost your mum and the gambling. Its insane that we even think giving into our addiction will make the pain go away. It may numb it falsely on a temporary basis but the morning always comes and things I know then are always much worse. Thank you so much for your message of support.

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