[JohnNobody]

Great to read and hear Micky. Those moments are precious treasure them. Our children grow quickly. The time you spend now with your son is so important. I can tell how much you love and care for him. Your there for him, he needs you. Gambling does not! Glad you had a great day with him 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky thanks for the words of support. It is okay. I take responsibility for my own actions. I did not “think” or even stop to “think” before I started the binge. Read on another thread something you said about that and the steps needed to assess a situation.

Yesterday is gone , history there is nothing I can do to change the past. Its now today and the tomorrow and so on that counts. 3 Jobs on my immediate list today. Self exclude from another casino account I still have open. For some reason not looking forward to that as the rep has been “okay” with me! And even though its one the casino I actually hate the most its one I have struggled with most over the years. But it has to be done. Then I will be calling the gamcare Netline. And after that a trip to the bookmakers , only 1 in town and self excluding from there.
Hope your good Micky keep never giving up ever! Cheers John

[JohnNobody]

I dug up some of my old posts on GC. Could only skim through them. Way to painful to read. I started my first thread back in 2006!!! Can not believe it was that long ago. And god how in denial I was.

Back then I was just about to make my first million that year. And did by the Christmas of 2006. Fast forward to November 2014 and I am debating if I can afford a half or full liter of milk.

It’s 3.55am – somehow I have managed to do some decent work. For that I am content. It has not been a total wasted day. Irony is if I had won I would have defo gone out to celebrate which would have meant money spent on alcoPops and then the hangover next morning which would have effected my ability to work through the day and night…..

Small mercies we should all be thankful for.

[JohnNobody]

Good one Micky. especially S.T.A.R.
…… Review : How do I feel when I have lost ? then the brain starts to think “what if I win ?” and before we know it we picture ourselves sipping champagne by the beach. So then rewind back to “Stop” and “Think” – repeat the process if need be until the reality sinks in that we can never win and the urge passes.

[JohnNobody]

I rejoined gamcare. Could not face opening up my old account as it has posts from long ago. A time when I was married, had a family around me even though I was a compulsive gambler then as now , only difference being the amounts were bigger that I squandered back then. I squander less now not through being “responsible” but through being flat broke. I also have noticed the heel of my shoe is about to fall off. The joys of a CG!

But more importantly I was reading through some posts on GC. Saw old familiar names. People I interacted with back then. And then saw the Diary “Charly’s life” author Sabine. It is now pinned to the top of that section. It was with a heavy heart I read Sabine passed away a few years ago but her diary plots her journey through addiction to recovery. It should be read by all who are struggling to overcome there addiction.

Even in the face of her own impending death she continued to post messages. Makes my issues seem so insignificant. I remember her from the past. And how she inspired others and through her diary which has been kept open , I suspect still does. We have but 1 life and so have to make the best of what we can. I can spend hours glued to a labtop watching wheels spin round and yet struggle to focus on the simplest things in life. Its total mental and there we have a woman Sabine who knew she was dying but kept encouraging others. For me this is inspirational.

[JohnNobody]

OK I have again joined Gamcare. Cant be a bad thing to have options. They have also done up the website. The forum is a bit better. Never understand why hey dont offer more features though such as PMs ect but suppose that goes against what it is all about. I was a member there a long time back for ages. But it all came to nothing.

Have managed to do some work. Earned a bit of “honest” money which will arrive next week. I have £18.00 to my name and food for about 1 day. My next challenge is how to eat on such a low budget. Why on earth do I put myself in such a ridiculous situation.

I am aware from Monday or Tuesday money hits the bank. I will pay my rent in full for November. Pay my phone/net bill. Also got a dental appointment that needs funding. Plus another bill that needs urgent attention and of course my dear friend Council Tax who is about to implode any day now. I shall call the Council tomorrow morning.

I am about 70% there on the above with what I have earned so its going to be less sleep and more work for the whole weekend. No pub – no joy – nothing. My own doing. I had it there in front of me and I chose to gamble it.

Oh and final note to self on the above my flight ticket to see my son and some xmas gifts. Can I do this ? I have too.

[JohnNobody]

Hey Vera ) “What do CGs do best?

Gamble!

Do we EVER win?

NEVER”

so damn true … wise words.
I understand what you say about the all or nothing part but thats a personal choice for me. It is something I have come to accept as a reality. But I am determined and am not out for the count. Love the bag of tools analogy … its what we need to do. Fill as many gaps as possible. Make and enable change within ourselves and start to actually have a life.

Your post got me thinking about just what a bad gambler I am. And im not talking the amount of money (and time) wasted (it is massive amounts over the years over 1.2 millon more probs with assets thrown in that were destroyed) but about how bad I am actually at gambling. If it moves I will bet on it. If it has some kind of sound or colour I will bet on it. Totally irrational , without any sense and doomed to failure. I cant even boast any major wins really apart from 1! That in itself tells me something.

Keep fighting Vera – we will all arrive at where we want so long as we dont give up!!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Today was hellish. I gave in to my addiction. All those plans I had in place those well meaning intentions went flying out of the window. I gambled. And I lost. Thats the hard facts. I had given myself reasons to gamble. Surly I could not loose.
I lost not only the money but time that could have been spent working and earning. And I lost myself again. Back to square one. So I need an action plan. It is really a matter of either overcoming this addiction or ending everything. I said that at the start of this new journey and that still holds true.

I understand about all the blocks. Not have access to cards / software to stop us visiting casinos online but for very personal reasons these are not an option for me. I have do this from inside from within. This is as much about total lifestyle change as it is getting a whole new perspective and mind set. I am at the point almost of no return.

Today yet again I failed as a father. I could have bought a ticket to see my Son who lives abroad. I did not. I gambled. So what is my plan and what is outcome I would really want ?

The outcome has to be to be able to live comfortably with the knowledge that I am a compulsive gambler who can never gamble. To be in control of the addiction. One day to be able to beat it fully. To be able to live a life of relative peace. Without sleepless nights, without going hungry because everything was gambled. To pay the rent ontime instead of dreaming up new lies to tell the landlord why they have not been paid. To look at myself in the mirror and say “you know what I am ok”.

The “Action” plan :
Write in my journal whenever I feel I need to. Even when I really feel I need to gamble.

Call the helplines when I feel the urge.

Call the helplines to begin to try make sense of my what I am feeling. This I will be starting tomorrow morning.

To learn more about this addiction , why and how it effects people. Knowledge I know is power if used in the correct way.

To gain better understanding of what being a CG is through reading what others are going through and where I can offer support and encouragement. In giving we also get so much back.

And finally to be as honest and as open as I can with people online and off that I am a compulsive gambler but a CG who is fully aware that he has NO option but to stop and stay stopped.

I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I am not going to waste energy beating myself up that I relapsed today. I have to again start to be positive about the future. I will not allow this addiction to beat me. So I take what I did on the chin. I accept I gave in to my urges. And again I am right back here at the starting point. Day 1 tomorrow which I hope will turn into day 2 and so on.

And finally I am going to immerse myself in work. I work from home – alone – but with the opportunity to effect what kind of income I bring in on a weekly basis. When I am gambling I earn nothing. Zero. So the hit is a double blow. Losses on both sides. I feel determined and strange I feel strong. Which I know can sound screwed up but I think of my son. I think of my family. I think of myself. I can not keep letting these people down.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat just read through your journal. It was painful to read! I can identify with almost everything you have said and have and are going through! Though I know that does not make it easier.

One thought came to mind as CGs we can react different to family / life stresses. Use them as the excuse to go gamble. Such as the situation with your son. But people who do not gamble also have the same life issues problems challenges and so on as everyone else. So in that respect we are certainly not alone. It is how we deal with those issues that matters. You chose NOT to give into your addiction that day and face the issues in your own way. This I feel is a huge and positive step.

I also have a few other family members who have been CGs but as Vera said you break the cycle with doing what you are doing now. It will never be easy to quite. Our brains are hard wired to imagine we can win. But you winning the jackpot and coming back with nothing proves … win or loose it makes no difference. You have done great to come this far. Imagine where you can be a few more months down the line ?

Rooting for you Kpat!!!
JN.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky its great to read your on day 19 and actually day 20 now! Life being “normal” as it never can be when we give in to our addiction. Enjoy being with your son. These things are so important! Keep at it.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat thanks for your words. And yes it is so true to ensure we spend time with those we love as we never know when we will not be together. I am glad and happy you spent and do spend time with your mum. It is so important! I guess you know how it feels like sadly 🙁

I am on a final drive work wise to make sure I can at least fly out to see my Son xmas. Would rather spend it in transit than stuck in my flat. It has been a week almost since I actually spoke to a person face to face. Its a truly mad situation. I feel sometimes like I could explode. Thats what drives me to go out and get wasted in a bar or at least part of it.

Wish you all the best and good thoughts as well Kpat! JN.

[JohnNobody]

Glad so glad 5th November is over! The past 3 years I have dreaded the run up to Christmas. Without what I used to know as my family. Apart from my son. Its a complex history. It all truly fell apart around about this time 3 years ago. The final collapse. The start of an horrible life journey a journey that I had no idea just how hard and soul destroying it would be. I am still on that journey now.

The fireworks have stopped almost. That is it for another year! Only Christmas day to get through. I hope I manage to spend that with my son. First Christmas without mum. I will be happy come Jan 1st. When seemingly the rest of world is down that the holidays are all but over I am just relieved that it has passed. Around 80% of my monumental failures in both business and personal life were and are due to my gambling.

It has to stop or I will cease to exist.

[JohnNobody]

Status Update:
Been away from here a few days. Just working, trying to get my head straight. I go through these roller coaster emotions many times. Much more has happened this year than I have given here. All of this plays a part of my mind set and emotional state. But at least as this year drags to its end I am starting to get a clearer view of what I need to do and where I need to be with my life.

Starting from nothing is hard but also means I have freedom to do what I want and need. I have no friends not 1. When your on the up everyone wants a part of you. When you slide you really do find out about other peoples nature. But fact remains I am isolated. I have a fragmented family for 1 reason or another and wake up many mornings thinking how can it be at my age mid 40s that I have no one in my life ? It can be crippling.

Tonight is fireworks night. Family’s out, people having fun. I dread it. As I dread xmas. I will stay inside and work. Every $ is one step further to rebuilding and a ticket to go see my son.

2015 will I think see me exit the UK. There is nothing for me here. My father is off to see his family in Italy early December for a month. I am so glad for him. Slowly he comes to terms with the death of our mum. For me its about quitting gambling for good and trying to rebuild my life before I run out of energy. Rant over. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Vera I am just working at the moment but will write more later but want to say that you have shown incredible strength to go and make that payment rather than shove it down the ever hungry mouth of the vile slots! You made the RIGHT choice! and made that choice under adverse circumstances. Be very proud of that.

It is when we DO NOT Gamble in those moments where we have every seemingly right reason to that a person can say they are battling hard to overcome the addiction. You are proof of this! It sounds so hard on you right now with the trouble with you son and lack of support. I am glad you are reaching out. You need to! No matter what your sons issues these are not solved by making you a punch bag or scape goat. And I say that with all respect to your son who obvs is having difficulties in his life which must hard to see.

You mention making the argument to get the excuse to go gamble. I have lost count of the times I have engineered negativity just to excuse my addiction. You are not alone on that but the fact you are aware of it is so positive. I have managed to write more than I thought I would have time for 🙂

Rant away type / post what you need to and I and I know others will support you Vera. Hugs from across the pond. JN

[JohnNobody]

I have read through Vera! Horrendous. Have posted on your thread x. The detour will only DOUBLE your debt not your ability to pay it off! Even if you did win (which you probably wont) you will give it all back and more! Please please reach out to someone!!! You can do this Vera and think that meagre payment of your CR debt is at least a payment. And is positive. Gambling is not positive and will only make matters worse. Keep posting!

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