[JohnNobody]

Random acts of kindness can go a long long way. And in the end always come back to us 🙂 What a lovely post about a difficult situation. But your mind clears the mist as each day passes without gambling and we start to see life again. Start to become less centered on ourselves on what we can win. that $20 of things will go a long way for him. It is a good deed you have done. So much better than pumping it into a slot.

I have a personal phrase or motto I use when it comes to my work. To do just one more thing at the end of each day to try push for a little bit more success. Have used it for years. The same can be said about “doing” for other people. Something your post above has got me thinking about!!!

Oh and thanks for the reminder on the shoes 😉 you are correct my current footware is a disgrace. In 2 weeks time I shall buy a pair of brand new shoes. Thats another for the To Do list.
thanks for sharing the above and for your support.

[JohnNobody]

Well another day almost done. No gambling. Been a slow one though today. Hard to concentrate. Have done some work. Went for a walk , cooked some food and read up on a few things. Tomorrow evening I will get paid for the work I have done the past few weeks. I am preparing in my mind not to gamble and to think before I act.

I spoke to my Sons mum. We split when he was a baby. Have had volatile relationship in the past but we get along okay most times. Apart from when she drinks she is then a nightmare. I have been invited over to Denmark to spend Christmas with her my son and her family in the northern part of DK. Alborg. I have accepted and so will fly out there around the 18th Dec. It means I wont fly in November to see him as cant afford 2 journeys. It was only a few years back sometimes I would fly 5 or 6 times a month. But no point looking back. What is gone is truly gone.

I have felt somewhat lighter in myself less of the depressed feelings. Starting to see some light and hope for the future. I am a member of a few other places now and Gamtalk seems a decent place with a very interactive forum etc. But as I read through about peoples battles with gambling it shows me just how much it can effect a person and the people around them. Quite depressing knowing so many are affected by this addiction. I have no idea what I would do with this place though these past weeks. It really can help to take the edge of things.

I no doubt will be doing my own posting frenzy tomorrow and the next few days. Im worried I go weak and gamble my funds.

[JohnNobody]

Micky do not worry about other peoples ignorance regarding clinical depression. It is a vile debilitating condition that effects 100s of 1000s of people the world over. Just focus on yourself and getting through your first day back at work. You will be fine!!! It is not a weakness but a state we can not help when depressed. You have taken action in your life to overcome much. I commend you for that! Best of luck tomorrow will be thinking about you.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky booze and gambling the 2 seem to go hand in hand. Lowers our inhibitions when we drink. Making gambling seem plausible … even enjoyable. So I think its good you have for now knocked that on the head. I love to drink but have cut back the past week or so. Its great to feel the positivity in your posts as you progress out and away from this addiction. Thanks for your message of support on my thread. Tomorrow looms.

[JohnNobody]

Tomorrow is the big test for me. I have money landing in my bank. Its been a pretty rough weekend as I spent most of what I had on my last gambling frenzy. I just need to make sure tomorrow and the next day I dont give into the urges to gamble that I KNOW will be come strong. The money sat in the bank account. Waiting. I feel that If I can get through this next week then things on that front may become easier.

It was 7 weeks last night that mum died. I did not think about it. I pushed it away. Watched a movie about Howard Marks (Mr Nice) the hash dealer. True story. It was a decent movie and took my mind off things. Escapism sometimes does work.

Mum would not have wanted us to be all sad. I know that. But our family of 4 brothers and 1 sister we were so close at one time and now are scattered. That in itself is sad.
I am speaking to my Sons mum on skype tonight. Arranging xmas visits and such like. I just want to get through that 1 week period and begin the new year. I dread this period for a number of reasons. None more so than because last year it was all so different all so positive. And now ? well here I am.

My work output has been good. I have almost reached my own target. I have to stick with it most of the day and until around 4 or 5am into Monday. I wont have much left next week but wont owe rent of phone bills and so it can give me breathing space. I know I am gonna need to be strong though. As the online casinos are always waiting for my next deposit!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat casinos are adapt at reeling us in. Making us feel special. The freebies , the comps the “vip” treatment all made to make us feel at ease as we blow our brains and bank accounts out in the casinos. I remember having a VIP dinner with a online casino. They met me. Nice chaps I suppose. I was a high roller (mug) they paid for every thing , put some money in my online account. But by then the cracks were starting to show. I looked a bit shabby. I was stressed. I am sure they picked up on it. By the end of the meal I was uncomfortable. They were checking me out. Trying to gauge what I was worth. And by that time much of my then fortune was already squandered. It is good we see it for what it is. And so positive you have your husband by your side. You can and will support each other.

You do not need gambling in your life. And you can and will overcome this!!

[JohnNobody]

P how strange I just put a short message on your journal and come here and see you have written here. Thank you for your thoughts. It means alot. And yes whenever I get urges I come here post / read / educate. Or try to educate myself. Joined a few other sites as well. As Vera said keep the tool box full. You do the same post as and when you need to. Everyone is here supporting each other. Is that not so good!!!!

[JohnNobody]

I woke up thinking about this past year. Everything that has happened. I can with much confidence say that this year has been truly the worst of my life. More so even than when 3 years ago this month my relationship was falling apart. The end then was near although I did not fully know it.

Fast forward 2014. I moved to a small village in Jan 2013. And during that year made friends with people. Started to rebuild my life started to feel okay. Yes I did gamble but not to the extent I have done recently. Then around this time last year I was busy buying a pub in the village. It was a perfect opportunity. When I say buy I mean the business not the building. I managed to get the money together and life was again exciting. It was the first time in over 3 years I felt truly alive again. My 2nd chance at personal success. Jan 2014 I got the keys. A new start. New life. People were around me life was busy. Stressful but busy.

Then within 6 months it had all gone horribly wrong. The pub forclosed on me I was left with nothing. Not even a home. Every penny I had was sunk. I think I had around 100 quid to my name. Worse my son was over when I got thrown out. I remember during the last few weeks of being in the pub I started to gamble more and more. Chasing hoping that a big win would come and save me. Of course it did not. It just made a very bad situation so much worse.

I look back and today it feels bad. I did not actually loose the pub through gambling. It was other factors. But I still lost it. And even now it sometimes feels shocking that I am here. In a small flat. Knowing no one. Everyone from village no doubt laughed me out. No contacts remain from there. Then my mum died. It was quick – she was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4 on the Thursday and the following Saturday less than 2 weeks from that day she died peacefully with her children and her husband by her side. My life collapsed then. It could not can not get worse. We went through arranging the funeral. Pain beyond anything. I started to close down. Started to gamble. Hardly did any work. I still have no idea how I funded it. But I did. Gambling was my escape. And it has been heavy these past 2 months.

Now here I am with all these memorys with the guilt of my past failures. I am trying to start again. I work, I earn, I am planning to rebuild 3rd time of trying. The job I do I do not like but it brings in money. But the failures and the losses from my gambling haunt me. And it holds me back. I need to overcome this need let go of the past. Need to be able to cry for my mum, I dont I keep it inside. Today I will speak to no one in the real world. Day will turn into night and night to morning. Nothing on the outside will change but inside It needs to change.
I am day 2 now. And know I will get to day 3. I have to turn my life around I have to!!! And this I know can not and will never come if I go back to gambling.

[JohnNobody]

1.25am been working most of the night. I need to do a few more hours but am feeling really tired. Im on target to reach my target financially for next week but feel guilty if I down tools now. Need to try do at least 1 more hour. Every £$ counts at the moment! So came here read some other peoples journals, made a few comments and came here. Because Kpat mentioned above Raman noodles and situations we get ourselves into. It really is totally irrational when you really think about it!!

Here I am piiss broke. Eating garbage for dinner , tired stressed the past few days. Holes in my shoes, rent that stills needs paying … plus tons of other piles of mess. All because of what ? chasing some damnn dream at the casino. The chance to win big. It happens each and every-time I gamble. If I win it goes back with interest If I loose Im depressed angry and hungry. Oh add guilt to that as well. It really does make no sense!!!

I am tired sick and tired of living like this so it has to stop. Period. Feeling okay as im now day 2 again. Can I do this ??????

[JohnNobody]

What a brilliant last post you made! You 2 walking out hand in hand STRONG determined to get your lives back. It may seem like saying goodbye to an old friend the casino the surroundings but its all false. Its a bad friend very bad. It lies it deceives us. We do not need such friends. Casinos are built for 1 thing only to take as much money from the poor luckless gamblers who visit them.

I spoke in person to a casino manager I knew a few years back. I was given a VIP dinner with them. Yup I still had money in the bank and they were very “friendly” I was a high roller (a sucker) anyway he admitted that the casino takes the approach to slowly financially rape the customer of as much money as possible but do it in a way that the customer does not feel it or blame the casino. He said it is better if they can take 100k of a player over a period of months rather than in 1 big hit.

Your on way 24/25 days gamble free. Brilliant!!!

[JohnNobody]

Aye Kpat I have heard of the revered Ramen Noodles. 😉 I recon I will be on similar tomorrow ha ha. But I have only self to blame. Its brill you are on day 24 and soon to be day 25!!! And for me day 2 has arrived without a bet. Im some ways off yet to the filet but maybe next week and I can upgrade to bacon sandwiches and coco pops. Keep looking up!!

[JohnNobody]

Lol Charles had to laugh at the very good advise to go to the bookies with empty pockets. Good point 😉 I would not put it past myself to have 1 “last” goodbye bet before I hand myself over…. ahhhh yes u are correct I shall go there with an empty wallet !

[JohnNobody]

Day 1 No Gambling. That is something. Been an up and down day. My brother has a house in the same area I live at but is living with my father at the moment. He had no time for me. I was looking forward to at least having some communication and a chat. Came away after 15 minutes feeling tense and angry.

All he went on about when I tried to explain some of my situation is make my home nice. Fill cupboards with food. Dont worry over Christmas you can enjoy it on your own ect ect. I could have screamed. A total lack of understanding. I am truly having to do this journey alone.
Someone in the chat yesterday spoke about giving my cards to a family member. Truth is I know no body that I can do this with. No one. I did not want to explain that in the chat and the relationship with my family has all but broken down. Apart from my father who is old and soon to go abroad to spend a month or so with his family.

But it is okay. My time will come I wont forget who was not here for me. People run fast when your on your way down. The same people who certainly benefited in years gone by and enjoyed the food the drinks the travel that were given at my expense. Its a hard lesson to learn. And a very humbling one.

One bit of good news I am getting my money through earlier so only have to go until Monday evening and I will be able to clear rent payments, and I hope BUY A FLIGHT TO DK! I have some food in and a tiny bit of money. I can swing this. One thing for sure the gambler can work out ways how to get out of and survive tough situations. We do it all the time when blowing our brains out at the casino or card table.

Only 2 possible ways next week could fall apart money wise:
1: I earn nothing more this whole weekend (still short on what I need but closing the gap) not so likely. Unless BT cut me off which they have said they did not.

2: I gamble. So expect me here lots in the coming days. I can NOT Gamble I would be totally screwed!

And finally off todays mini bucket list :
Casino XYZ request for self exclusion. No reply yet. They are vile like this and go slow on such things. But its okay as tomorrow I will shout loudly on a public gambling forum and shame them into banning me if they do not follow through on my request. I also told them I am highly unstable with money and cards and often charge back (I dont but it scares the shiiiiittt out of them) and usually gets me banned for life! All good stuff.

Spoke to Gamcare netline. Will be calling again tonight. There could be a support group somewhere close by they are gonna let me know.

Did not exclude from the bookies. Will do that tomorrow. And did not phone the council for the CTax. That I have to do Monday. So still here still fighting still prepared to give it my all.

Thanks all of you for your continued support it means the world!

Jn.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Vera I hear you on family members. I really do. And it is good you are putting your self first at this time. You need to! Avoid those triggers they can spell doom for us if we allow them to get a hold of us as they have with me.
I have alot of brothers and a sister but they live there own lives and I hardly ever speak with them these days. Its sad we were a close family at one time. Not so now. And its even worse since mum died. They all have wives / girlsfriends and so on. I am seen as the outcast. The failure. They avoid me. When on rare times we are together such as mums funeral it was tense, polite, but not loved up. I gave up making an effort long ago. I probably wont see any of them until the “next” funeral. Pity party over. We have to keep moving forward Vera!!!

[JohnNobody]

Good idea Vera on buying the flight tickets! I have until Monday morning 5am UK time to get my earnings as high as possible. I am still a few 100 short to cover everything I need to pay next week but every £$ over my target is spendable income. (apart from 150k of “other” debts) So thats what I am aiming for. This weekend starting now will be me in the flat head down working and spending time here. I hate the isolation I really do and even though this sounds pathetic i wish there was a friend someone I could meet in the real world. But there is not. So I have to just make the best of what it is right now.

My brother arrived in the place I live a short time ago. But it was a quick visit. He was stressed seems to have no time to talk to me. I tried to but he has other plans. Am pisssssed off about that. So anyway came home. Made coffee. The world goes on outside and I will work. Onwards.

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