[JohnNobody]

Well I stayed up until around 4am Ish. Could not get back to sleep. Thoughts of gambling came strong. Just £20 I could make that into a £100 , usual self deceptions. Found a site a few days ago where you can watch movies for free. So spent 2 hours watching a film. Was not a good choice about people stuck on a train after the world had frozen over. Semi B movie type. But I did not gamble.

Managed to sleep and said to myself over and over to let go of the past and focus on the future. For some reason the demise of my business over 3 years ago seems to be hitting harder than ever. And I do NOT fully understand why. Dragged myself out of bed and am trying to do some work. Night time is best for me when the world goes silent outside. I prefer that for some reason at the moment.

I am trying to focus on the future. How I can rebuild from nothing. It is a slow process. My debts are huge. But I am firmly on 7 days now without gambling. But the thought of gambling is not far from my mind. This is the tough part. I have been here before and so many times have given in. I can not allow myself to do that this time around. But have no idea if I will succeed or not at the moment. Need to refocus and quickly. Thanks for your messages of support it means much.

[JohnNobody]

Spent most of the day with my father. Got back to the flat I had drank a few glasses of wine so could not work. Went to bed and woke up around an hour ago. 2.20am. Felt somewhat down about the past. Maybe it was the effects of the booze I dont know. Came online and found a casino I had NOT excluded from. I came close really close to running a deposit. I was there inside the account.

*REALITY CHECK*

S.T.A.R. ( Stop- Think- Act- Review ) < Thanks Micky Then I found the responsible gambling page for this casino and hit self exclude. My bank balance remains. Talk about taking it to the brink. But I managed to step back. The urge passes. Maybe I will do a few hours work. I cant sleep. Tomorrow will take that walk to the bookmakers in the town and run my self exclude from there. That can be too tempting for me these days even though I have never had for years a major addiction to bookmakers. I hate the places. They depress the hell out of me. But need to be sure! Its a full week now since my last melt down or close to that. I survived without gambling. And will I hope do so for the next week. Beyond that at the moment I can not focus. It is all about survival.

[JohnNobody]

Took yellow roses to my mums grave. The sun was out but it was cold. My father cried in private. We stood at a distance. He always crys at his wife’s grave. Our mum. They were together over 50 years. We walked away. Took my dad for a drink. It felt good. I remembered I have not gambled today. And won’t even though I could. That also feels so good.

[JohnNobody]

Hi I have just started to read your “Epic” Journal to get a feel of what your journey has and is about. I can see you have struggled and fought so damnn hard. And are still here. Incredible. I am not sure I could get through every page of your posts but am reading through parts at a time. You seem to have really stuck the course out so to speak!!! Wanted to drop a message on your place here to just say hello 🙂 John.

[JohnNobody]

Payment for work I have been doing arrived in my account. I did NOT gamble. Instead my rent has been paid and im up ahead now until December. Dentist appointment – and my Phone bill are next. I would in times gone by have gone to find an online casino. The absurdity of this addiction.

[JohnNobody]

Just logged into my gamCare account and saw the widget thing they have on my profile it reads in big letters

“I haven’t gambled for 6 days”

Woot Woo ….

[JohnNobody]

Starting to see and sense a growing strength in you lady! You spent money on Salmon … so what we all gotta eat and better that than in the slots! or what ever your fix was. You are waking up to the world around you. and seeing just what is and what is not important. I would not worry about becoming addicted to GT ha ha …. its a decent good addiction … and great that we have this place to rant rave and sound off!

1 by 1 with time you will hit all those debts all those bills. Sure it wont be over night but step by step so long as you stay out of the casino then you CAN NOT fail! Dog tracks suck and scratch cards (offs) are a complete rip off. We dont need such things in our life do we ??
Keep posting you giving me faith and hope for the future!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat you raise some good suggestions in what you said. Maybe just maybe that is a possible. And could be part of my action plan. Which I have pretty much stuck to apart from self exclusion from the bookmakers in the high street. But that I will do next time when I am up that way. Have not been near the place since my last fall from grace.

I am I suppose an agnostic when it comes to faith. Neither closed nor fully open to it. But divine intervention could be seen as a good thing. Whos knows … who really knows ??

There was a person I was posting to on another forum gamcare but they seemed to have dropped away. For what reasons I do not know but think it could be due to going back to gambling. I have done that so many times. Not able to face to shame and guilt of letting others down. Even in this virtual world. But I refuse now to let this get the better of me and no matter what fail / success will stay the course.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and ideas …. you have a knack for that for giving random ideas I am starting to see!! 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat how are you holding up today ? Keep fighting and keep pushing forward!

[JohnNobody]

Lov it Micky! To read and hear your growing positivity! Keep going along that road and you simply can not fail! Inspiration to many without doubt…!!!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Micky 😉 But what does STAR stand for ? brain dead here.

Today has passed no gambling. Not that hard to resist as I still have not been paid from a company who owes me a fair few $$$. Maybe thats a good thing. I dunno. But hope to god they wire tomorrow as I promised my landlord rent. Ironic if I dont pay due to an issue not related to gambling. Who would believe it huh….

Tbh I am not that phazed. I dont plan on being in this place long. The area sucks, the flat is sterile it works but I have never felt like it is home. In fact never really found a true home since the end of the marriage. That feels weary. I gamble many times due to lonliness. This is one thing I have worked out … its not the only reason but “one” of them. I miss the gambling for sure. The escape of it all. I know I cant do it and have to keep pushing forward. But it takes so much energy.

I really can not wait to board a flight and get the hell out of here. Xmas in Denmark and then I think I will be off for good. I have few possesions. Going to travel light. My Labtop, a decent smart phone and tablet. A few clothes and im away. Rest of the junk I own I will either sell or give away.

My business plan can be implemented in any part of the modern or not so modern world. So long as I have a net connection. Lucky I can I think earn on the go to a certain degree. But to stay here in this place where I am now ? I know I would return to gambling to drinking in excess and would never have my restart. Fuuukkk to have a friend in the real world would be something. What have I done !!!!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Did not gamble – day 5. But could not have anyway due to there being a delay in getting my payments in for work done. Frustrating as I have a dentist appointment tomorrow which I cant cancel or I will get kicked off there patient list due to my changing appointments so many times in the past. Apparently gambling comes before the well fare of my gums and teeth!

I was also due to see my father today but cant travel yet as no money. He my dad has saved me though and is lending me money for the dentist fees tomorrow and to get some food. Am really grateful to him for this. I am I suppose no matter what feeling okay with being 5 days now without gambling. I thought about it too much last night and need to ensure I keep my mindset in the right place. The casino games can seem so alluring when we have not played them a while. Even though the rational part of me knows what they lead too. Have to keep fighting this and at the moment it is a struggle!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi I am having the same thoughts as you at this moment. Not about land casinos but online clip joints. It is so demanding at times. But for you you have come so far in a short space of time. And the month will have seemed hard but I am sure and know from past experience when I actually quit a year it does get easier as we stop counting the days so much. Keep on posting here rather than giving in to your urges. Sounds like you have a full day planned with your Son. That has to be good.

And maybe stop looking at where you can find venues to gamble 😉 that aint gonna help. One day at a time defo!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky just read on my journal you have got through your first day back at work! Glad it went well for you. It will get easier from this point im sure. First day backs can be difficult but you pulled through. Stay gamble free!

[JohnNobody]

A new week. 4 Days now sit between me and my last bet. At some point today I will again have access to money. Money I have worked for the past 2 weeks. I have been going over in my mind how it feels when I gamble – that in itself depresses me. And even worse how I feel when I gamble and I loose. I keep thinking on those emotions as a way to stop myself today or tomorrow from having just 1 deposit.

All online casino options are closed off to me as I have self excluded from every place I play at. But an addict is a determined creature and they are many more sites out on the net. But I am working to getting my mind set right. I spoke with my son on skype last night. He is doing well at school. They have a great education system in Denmark. And he just did his first days work at Mcdonalds 😉 Pays him a monthly wage plus he can spend 75 Kroner on food after his shift and of course the groovy Macadees uniform … but am proud of him. He is a good kid with his screwed on the right way despite his father been just a waste of space these past 3 years. But again day 4 on a new week. I am determined to see this through. To get straight and to finally start to rebuild my life and my business.

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