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Dear mermaid,
I am going to share some of my experience. I would like to think it will help you…it certainly helps me to write it and try to make sense of it for myself.
Like you, I read everything I could about gambling addiction..even academic journals. I spent hours reading forums , asking others thoughts and opinions looking really for somebody to give me the answer . Of course nobody can do that and everyone’s situation is unique. As you say it is not black and white , it’s a whole mass of misty grey whilst you are in it.
I can only talk about my situation and I can’t suggest it will be the same for you but I can empathise and share some of my experience. I enabled for years.(25+) not always directly but by never letting my husband hit rock bottom. I recognised that there were psychological roots to the gambling and tried to help but he never really sought help for himself and when I think about it now I don’t think he really wanted to give up his thrill. He said all the right things, showed remorse, offered financial control etc etc but they were just words and sometimes tears. Very convincing words and I think he believed himself at the time but just words. They were not backed up with consistent action. It was reasonable to give him a chance maybe 2 chances even 3 but I got into the 100s of chances! And I mean many many chances after major gambling binges …..£1000s time and time again. Friends and family were staggered that I would go on forgiving and to be honest looking back now I too am staggered by my inability to make a stand. Who was that woman?
If you have any doubt about the wisdom of enabling or clearing debts etc post your question on the forum. The best people to answer you are the compulsive gamblers themselves. They can see straight through everything . They know every ploy/trick in the book and even though, like me you do not want to see your partner as manipulating you and they don’t consciously see it as that they become very clever at saying what they need to say to let their addiction survive.
I am coming out of the fog and sadly that has meant divorce for me and my CG. I still struggle to express all the complexities of my situation but something changed for me. It’s hard to explain exactly what but after all the searching for understanding and answers and ways to help I just recognised eventually that I could not do anything more for him and why did I still consider it to be my responsibility after all my efforts had failed ?
I very clearly began to see what everyone had been telling me and that was that I had to look after myself first. I would hear the words and understand the rationale but not ‘feel’ it if you know what I mean. It was as though I understood the logic of what people told me but I couldn’t live it for some reason. I had that ‘paralysis by analysis’ thing where I had thought about something so much I couldn’t act. All I could do was churn it over and over. I looked at it from every angle and in every light and still felt stuck. I can see something of that in your description of yourself.
I can’t remember who said it and how they said it…..probably velvet and it was something along the lines of its ok to hover for a while letting everything sink in. So I hovered and hovered and all the time I was hovering my situation with the CG was getting worse. Then a few things happened at once. I accessed some counselling. I got a new job that made me a bit more independent. My youngest child left school. My husbands behaviour became more extreme. One day a dear friend of mine came to stay and I poured my heart out for the umpteenth time as we went for a walk. We passed a solicitors and she pushed me through the door and made an appointment and then returned with me a week later to make sure I went and supported me through what was the first big step ( after many baby steps and lots of hovering here) towards me finally taking control of my life and protecting myself and my children from the terrible effects of my husbands gambling.
I will still say that that first visit was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it was a turning point. A major turning point I could physically feel the difference. I was living and acting from within myself. I felt fearful but brave at the same time. I wish I could explain this better. It was like I had taken control of the steering wheel not just been the back seat passenger muttering away. It was like all the researching and thinking and talking finally all came together into that one action. That one action set the ball rolling which from then on seemed almost effortless and certain. I had a clear direction to go in.
That analogy of the aeroplane mask is very good where they tell you to put your own mask on first before helping your child. What good could I be to anyone if I was drowning too.
So I’m nearly at the end of the process of making myself immune from the effects of my husbands gambling. My relationship with him does not depend on me being married to him. It was too big a risk for me. His life is his responsibility. I did my best but I am not going to sink with him. My first responsibility is to myself. I now think my own thoughts, live my life to my own values, control my own finances. As I have taken this action I have had a wave of support from people that has carried me through. The children, who had been a big factor in me hesitating were able to express their relief. They probably hadn’t consciously registered it but they had been waiting for me to take this lead for us all. I finally made a stand and whilst I will still say it was the hardest thing ever I do look back and think why did I wait so long? I could have saved a lot of pain and debt but I know not to look back into the mist just forward.
So mermaid. I am not saying divorce is the answer for you but taking a firm stance is. It’s the only way out of the fog. If I hadn’t I would still be hearing some variation of the ‘help me out just one more time’ tale. I even think I have done the best thing for my nearly ex husband. He might well find someone else to lean on but if not then he has to come face to face with himself and do what he has to do to recover.
I can help if I want but from my wonderful peaceful sanctuary of safety.
Love, empathy and understanding
Jilly
XHello and welcome from me. I am so glad you are getting some support especially when you mentioned feeling guilty. It is most important that you look after yourself first. I have 3 daughters who have grown up with a gambling father and anyone of them could have written the same thing as you. I don’t know all the details or your specific circumstances but I do need to tell you it is not your responsibility and you have nothing to feel guilty about. you sound like a wonderful daughter and sister.
As a Charles says your father needs to take the steps to deal with his gambling and whatever he says there are places he can get help and support. He will know that.
Your mum needs support and if you haven’t already I would show her this site. It could be the first step on the path to recovery for her. It was for me and others. It is very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of the situation. I thought I was doing right by the children by staying with their father for many many years and it is only now that we are getting divorced that the children have truly been able to express their relief at this decision. They were looking to me to do the right thing but I was torn by what I thought was right for them, their dad, myself etc. I couldn’t see a path through it all. I was being manipulated by my husbands addiction.
Only today I Was talking to my mother in law (soon to be ex but very supportive of me) and she was saying she would have strangled my husband if he had been hers many years ago! Even I look at myself in amazement now about the things I repeatedly tolerated and the chances I gave him. But I said to my m in l that crazy though it seems the only other people who would really understand how you allow something to go on for so long are the other wives/partners of compulsive gamblers. They will know how you don’t just wake up one day £30,000 or whatever in debt. It all creeps up on you. After many years I had almost got to the point where if my husband had said tomorrow the sky will be green I would have believed him!
I took the first baby step to recovery by coming here, talking to other people dealing with this horrible addiction. It was not an instant overnight success. It has taken me a few years to get to the point I am at now. Everybody’s situation is unique and I am not saying that divorce is the solution for your mum. She needs support though to see through the fog of addiction. It has helped me tremendously to have the support of my children but they only really felt able to show that support when I led the way and to take that lead I needed a lot of help for myself. That is the first thing that I would suggest. Encourage your mum to get all the support she can so that over time she can make the right decisions for herself which will most likely end up being the right choices for everyone else too…even your dad who will be forced to face his addiction. Just as my children are not responsible for their parents behaviour neither are you. It is understandable you want to help but you are not responsible.
It all probably feels horrible just now but life is very strange and good things can come out of the worst of situations. Me and the children have an openness and honesty with each other that I don’t think we would have ever had if they had not lived through this very difficult time. They haven’t had the innocent and charmed life that we would like to give our children but they are wiser and more aware of the real world. They know they can survive difficult times.
Your mum may need help to get back that control of her life. It’s a really good feeling. I remember a year ago sitting in an airport with my brother and for the first time telling him the truth of my situation and that I planned to divorce my gambling husband. I told him all my fears for the unknown future. He said ‘you can’t put a price on freedom’. Those words have stayed with me almost more than any others.
I’m sorry if I ramble a bit. I do want to help but I also write for my own therapy too!
So dear kind wise thoughtful 20 year old daughter that you are. Look after yourself first…your mum would want that. Encourage your mum to get every bit of help she can from whatever source. Remember that out of all this upset something good can grow.
Jilly
XAh Jenny,
That is such a wonderful post to read. I am smiling too and so pleased for you and your boys. It shows that it can be done, we can recover from the ‘strange sickness’ that affects everyone connected to it in different ways. You can’t put a price on freedom and peace of mind. It begins with that first small step out of the web. Isn’t it wonderful that instead of those despairing angry hurt messages that we would post you can now talk of happiness and peace and normal days and awakenings. And so can I! To all you friends and family members who are struggling please take heart from these posts. It seems impossible at the outset but you can change your life for the better. The only life you can really save is your own and in the long run it is best for the CG too although I don’t know at what point they will realise that.
It doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly isn’t plain sailing but it can be done. Never give up hope. Well done Jenny – I think life will just go on getting better
Jilly
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