[Jezi]

Being at home alone when you are a compulsive gambler is maybe not the best of ideas if you like me have gambled online. Went out for a bit but felt off and uneasy. My stress levels are up the roof which is why i cant go to work either. Too much responsibility and having to be a 100% there at my job. Had one of the staff calling me and asking for guidance in a tricky situation this morning, dont think i handled it too well. I hope it will be ok. I gambled too. Yesterday, did not want to admit it to myself or anyone as i somehow felt like i didnt cause i didnt make a deposit. Won some at that new casino on the Friday before we left and kept it there. Could not block myself before the money was gone i thought – then blocked myself. I know that i wrote that i had closed it down before we left. Wow i even lied to make things look good. Never wanna dissapoint anyone- always my big mistake.I had not. But now i have. No more darn lies. 

[Jezi]

Hi idi, i hope you are well and thanks for your post. Back home and trying to occupy myself with healthy new habits. Your ideas on redecorating your home really sparked something in me. So today im gonna go look for new wallpapers and im also thinking about putting in a new carpet in the bedroom. I might even buy some new curtains and stuff. Holy moly! I’ve always “saved” all my money for gambling so this going to feel good im sure.

Have a wonderful day xxx

[Jezi]

Haha idi i hope so! It wasnt all that bad after all. No pain now anyhow.

Now we are home – everything is real. Have called in sick for a couple of days as im afriad the anxiety will get the best of me. I also made a phone call to my GP which was awkward but now i have an appointment booked for friday.

Closed down the new account that i opened before we left which leaves me nowhere to gamble – that i know of at least. Am not going to investigate further options and if i would in a weak moment it would require a lot more time, thinking and effort to actually gamble.

My husband put away my credit card also. Feels good.

[Jezi]

To top everything up i managed to get stung by some kind of jellyfish. Dont know what it was but im still breathing so i suppose im not going to die at least. So now i have tried that too lol life is really testing me right now.

[Jezi]

Thank you for that very important reminder Vera, you are absolutely right. 

And yes i think i really need to be in the company of other people who really does understand what i am going through. As for now i have a hard time grasping that this IS real which is frightening. It’s like this is some kind of joke and that im actually really losing it. I hope to god that it’s just a passing feeling. 

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend xxx

[Jezi]

I can see that this journey is going to reshape who i am as a person in many ways. Scary in one aspect but also exciting. Yesterday was all up and down, a lot of mixed emotions to go through. Today is fragile and im feeling imbalanced. Last day here before we head back home to reality. Not gambling here has been fairly easy, one week free today. Have Monday off at least and then back to work. 

I am terrified about coming home to tell the truth. Dont know what it’s going to be like now that I’ve told my husband. I understand what you mean about feeling guilty when you do something for yourself. I have to work on that.

Probably will have to seek out for a good counsellor once we get back and perhaps have a visit to my gp like you said. 

Have a good day!

[Jezi]

Ok, i see what you mean 🙂 we dont have that kind of movement here when it comes to ga. I understand that ga here is different from in the states for example. The group i went to was open minded and not bound so much to religious beliefs from what i could tell. I am gonna go to a meeting again once i get back home to find out more. Last time is pretty much a blur to be honest as i was in such a bad state of mind.

I hope you are having a good day xxx

[Jezi]

What you said is exactly what it is! I’ve always felt somehow insufficient. That no matter what i do it’s never enough. Somehow my twisted mind made believe that if i could win big i could finally treat my close ones to something good. A trip, a new car for my hubby or just a dinner out with a close friend who is troubled. The mind works in mysterious ways eh?

With love jez

[Jezi]

After all thats happened over the last few weeks im starting to see things from a different perspective. I realise that my gambling problem stems from a lot of different things thats happened in my life but also who i am as a person that i have never dealt with. I have always been strong for others and eager to help whenever i can. That part of me has also helped put aside my own problems for better or for worse. Ever since i was a child I’ve been what some call a natures child. I feel so at home when im outside in the forest or here on the beach. I love animals, they are so innocent and beautiful creatures. Being creative in any way is also helpful which is why im going to pick that up when i come back home.

I have also realised that i am hopelessly impulsive (always been) which of course does not help being a compulsive gambler.

I wish you all a beautiful day xxxx

[Jezi]

Hey vera! Im glad you went to the meeting 🙂 I went to my first a week ago. We do not have sister venues where i live but im sure that will be great if you go.

You are doing good, stay strong

[Jezi]

Thank you for your kind words. Today is a new day and i think we are both feeling a lot better. It came all unexpected which threw us both off a bit. I am gonna give him space and i thought i had – but not enough as it seems. Maybe opening up was too overwhelming for me and thats what caused it. This morning ive been listening to music and grounding to earth. I’ve thought about something important referred to a lot in the yoga culture- to give the thinking mind a break which i think is something i have to do more often. 

I hope you will have a great day:)

[Jezi]

My heart is shattered. Had a great day with talks about everything and nothing. I opened up some more about my gambling problem and he seemed to understand and told me he was proud that im finally admitting it and seeking out for help. At dinner we talked some more and all was fine, got back home and i suddenly felt nauseous. Thought that maybe id eaten something bad, 1 minute later i had the worst panic attack ever which lasted for what seemed an eternity, tried to stop it cause i did not want to scare him. Couldnt breath, couldnt speak and all the while he just sat there in shock. I felt so bad for him that he had to see that. Afterwards he was not able to talk about it but i tried and then eventually he said he needed time to process it. Feeling like a total failure.

[Jezi]

Thanks idi! It feels great and awful at the same time. I can see that he is having a hard time dealing with it which hurts. But im trying to be as supportive as i can. He doesnt know what to do when anxiety hits, but its ok. This is a new situation, im used to having anxiety attacks cause of gambling but since we have had quite a strained relationship over the last few years ive always been able to hide them. Now they just come outta nowhere and everything literally zooms out and i cant think. That is new and something i guess wont just go away in the near future. But hey life goes on, if i just stay free of gambling im sure it will pass.

Your decoration ideas sound superb! I love being creative but gambling kinda killed it, not entirely so im definitly going to get my creative juices flowing once we get back home. Havent renovated the house since we moved in 8 years ago! 

[Jezi]

Hellos, im glad that you are treating yourself to something worthwhile rather than gambling – its a nice and motivating feeling! To know that money can actually bring you joy instead of headache.

When i get back home i think im gonna do the same. Maybe even change the wallpapers in our bedroom which is something ive wanted to do for a long time.

Have a wonderful day:)

[Jezi]

Charles – i love that saying, makes a lot of sense. I told him to use Google to find out more about compulsive gambling. I dunno if he has yet, also said that if he has any questions he can ask me and i will tell as much as i know. He has a hard time adressing the issue which makes it tricky as i dont want to push him too hard. Since Sunday we have only talked briefly about it once. Im hoping he understands that the problem wont just go away because i told him. I think i need to give him some time to let it sink in.

Steev- yes, i sure dont miss the cold. The ocean is calming for the mind. Lol just as i wrote that a huge wave came washing over me. Anyhow there are no triggers here, no casinos, no ads for gambling on the telly, and no tasks that stresses me out. Im more worried about when we get back home, but thats another det. Day 4 now so getting through the first week without gambling probably wont be that hard. Im just exhausted both mentally and physically, had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning so this trip came at the very right time as i need to rest and fill up my energy levels.

Have an awesome day folks xxx

[Author]

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