[Jezi]

Hi Jordan, i know too well what you are talking about. Whitdrawal symptoms can be horrible but they wont kill you. Try to find something else to do with your time. Otherwise you need to ride it out even though it’s hard.

You wont win it back like you said. Have you seen images of a gambling addicts brain versus a “normal” healthy brain? If not Google it, it has helped me to understand why im having all these whitdrawal symptoms.

Hang in there xxx

[Jezi]

I did not get a call today. Hope she will call the first thing tomorrow morning. Cant relax until i get that phone call. My daughters a little bit better. Gambling urges are back
, probably cause im down and nervous about that phone call. Did yoga last night and took a walk today. Had a night of no sleep despite taking a pill before going to bed. Just need to get my mind sorted. Had to go to work yesterday and will have to work for the rest of this week. Im hanging in there though. Have not gambled since Monday last week apart from pretend play with no money involved. Guess thats not super great but no money in.

Hope you are well xxx

[Jezi]

I thought one night of good sleep would fix the problem, it didnt unfortunately. Skipped the tablet last night as we were at a concert and came back late. We even left before the gig was over as i was feeling weird and had a lower stomach pain. Slept maybe one or two hours in total. When i lied awake tonight i happened to see that my bloodtests i took on friday came in to my online journal. Managed to figure them out and it doesnt look too good. Im healthy overall, normal weight, vegetarian diet and i go for walks/ runs and practice yoga ( well i havent been too healthy for the last month so i hope its temporary). But im so scared now that it’s something worse than just stress etc. Please get your bloodworks done, im only 35 and gambling got me really sick. I feel like im on the verge of insanity and wont be able to work tomorrow. Drs going to call me on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday. Im also gonna have to take the meds again that she prescribed so that i can sleep. But id rather be knocked out honestly as i feel horrible right now. Grandparents called and informed us that our youngest daughter is sick with the ful or so. Kind of bad timing but heyy at least i dont feel like gambling. I hate it right now.

Blah, that was depressive but true.

Hope you are all good xx

[Jezi]

Hey Sherrie. I’ve been to ga twice. I really dont know if it’s helping. But thats just me! I get closed up sort of and have a hard time speaking up. Im sorry about your mum. Thats not right.

It was nice to talk to you in chat the other day.

You are worthy of love and support xxx

[Jezi]

Steev – i told her that. She seemed to have little knowledge about gambling addictions. She also mentioned the local social service unit for addictions. But im not gonna go there and i told her that. Why? I know people who works there through work. It wouldnt be a great idea. So the plan is that she would talk to the counsellor at the gp to see what we’re gonna do. But priority nr 1 in her point of view was to make sure i sleep. 

Took one at around 8 last night and went to bed at 9. Slept for 12 hours until someone woke me up or id still be sleeping. I feel like a zombie today so i dont know about this. If i get this knocked out tomorrow aswell im gonna stop taking them. I mean i couldnt even get to work as im quite certain that im in no position to operate a vehicle right now.

I love the idea of counselling! I have taken some courses at uni a couple of years ago and i often do counselling at work. But in a different field! Someone at ga said that it’s hard to find a good counsellor with experience of gambling addictions. I live in Sweden steev 🙂 One may assume we have a good healthcare system but its really not that great in many aspects. 

Tonight i will go to a concert that i have been looking forward to. I have not gambled since Monday also which makes me happy.

[Jezi]

Hi idi, thank you so much for sharing. As much as it hurts to read about your marriage i can only say that you are a very strong woman. I lived in a relationship prertty much like yours for 7 years. The mental abuse is i think what got me started in the first place. Not only moneywise.

My current marriage is better in many ways, but yes i do think i deserve some support at least -i know that i would have supported him in a heart beat. But like you said it’s kind of taboo to be a woman in this situation. The men at the ga even mentioned that as some reason for that very few women come to the meetings, not in a demeaning way but you get it.

I’ve been called all the mean stuff you can imagine by my ex. Often in front of others, especially men. And i was none of these things. Why i stayed for so long and got into great debt because of his gambling and alcoholism i can not answer. I even slept in a separate room with our then baby daughter and had a knife under my pillow incase he would try to hurt me or the baby when he was drunk. Still i defended him when he came home drunk with the Police in the middle of the night. I still have to see him because we have a child together.

Today i went to see my dr. I was only prescribed anti depressants. She said she would look in to other options aswell and call me next week. Im kind of gutted about that, but if they can help me sleep i will try them at least.

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend xxx

[Jezi]

Thank you for your post Vera.
I can relate to almost every bit of it.

It makes a lot of sense actually that a person without a gambling problem would not understand, so i can not expect that. Going to keep that in mind.

I feel like i have so much that needs to come out and be talked about.

This is a turning point. Like you said day by day.

Thank you.

Love jez

[Jezi]

I know that you are right. I am just frustrated and eager to work things out now that he knows. When i wrote that last post i had just came home from the grocery store, prepared dinner and on the way back home had a melt down in the car. As we had dinner i was trying so hard to keep my ” everything is fine mask on” and had to focus hard on stopping my hands from shaking and breathing normally. Then i went to lie down for a bit to relax while theyre all in the kitchen playing yatzy. Im glad they did, its not that. But he then started telling me to take the dog out, and asked if i had cleaned out the the garage and a bunch of other things i said i might do while i was home today. I cleaned the house, did laundry – then i was exhausted. After that the kids came home from school with a bunch of friends, made sandwiches and hung all their wet clothes to dry. When he came home i went shopping and cooked. All i am asking for is some kind of understanding. But i realise he does not understand – at all.

Like you said i cant ask him to fully understand. I get that this is overwhelming for him aswell. He went to bed at 8 pm. He never does that. I do think its not intentional,  maybe hes still processing it. I know he finds it difficult to show emotions other than anger, then you kind of have to drag things out of him over a glass of wine or so.

I will read the posts in the forum for friends and family. I can only relate to myself being on the other side of the fence as i used to live with a gambling addict myself. I have seen both sides, but my ex on the other hand did nothing to hide it. The situation differs a lot.

Thanks for your wise words again.

[Jezi]

I dont think i can handle this relationship im in. Im sick with stress and all i hear is Jessica fix that do that. Like what the fork did you not hear a Word i said or did you not watch me having a major anxiety attack. I just want to cry but i dont even know how to do that. I told him to read up on everything so i dont have to explain every detail of the state im in. I thought i would get some support after i told him. Now we are home and hes back to normal expecting me to be just fine cause i told him i guess.

I dont know what i need to do to make him understand?

[Jezi]

The best support i get is here on the forum ❤ 

I think sometimes you have to make a real effort to have fun. Or redefine what fun is right now perhaps?

I find that gambling kind of ruined my ideas of what used to be fun. I rarely even look forward to things like i used to. What happened last night between me and the car lol was an impulse. I wanted to feel something, a longing for something slightly dangerous instead of gambling. It was a rush to not be totallly in control. But yes it felt good. 

Today has been kinda manic so far. Doing everything i possibly can not to feel the urge of gambling or lose myself in anxiety. 

I hope your day has been good this far.

[Jezi]

I see where you are coming from! We are all different even though we are in the same boat sort of. That being said, we are in what i can see different sections. Theres no magic cure that goes for all of us, unfortunately!

I was very offended when i went to that first ga meeting. Instead of feeling supported i felt pushed and pressured. That annoyed me and i felt like i wanted to leave for a while. I also gambled the day after cause i was overwhelmed and felt like theres no way out. But i do feel relieved now that i told my husband – but i also dont. A lot of mixed feelings. He is not giving me the support i need, and i feel stupid. I dont know what i was expecting but at least i dont have to hide my credit card bills hah. Im gonna give ga another go tomorrow, think they are gonna be shocked that i told him cause i was like – no absolutely not, no way.

Hang in there xxx

[Jezi]

Tonight i slept 6 hours in a row. Happy about that as its the longest ive slept since christmas. After my last post yesterday i took my daughter to her riding lesson and cuddled some with the horses. Such beautiful animals, had 3 of my own when i was young. Had to go to the pharmacy during her lesson and realised we have so much snow here now, felt like taking the car for a spin to get some action lol so i went around some industrial area that wasnt plowed and drove around laughing as the car drifted around in the snow. Felt like 18 again haha oh dear. The point is i had fun and actually enjoyed life for a moment.

Tomorrow i will have to go to work as we are short of stand ins and a lot of the staff are home with their kids who are poorly. Kind of nervous about that but i hope today will be more up than down so i can relax a little. Gambling urges are very present today but im gonna fight it.

Have a good day folks xxx

[Jezi]

Im happy for you, be proud of yourself.

Keep it going xxx

[Jezi]

Aaww no. Im sorry to hear that. Both the room and the gambling. What happened that made you figure out that last barrier if you dont mind me asking?

I was in no way productive today as intended. Went to the store to look for new lamps and wallpapers but felt no inspiration so i went back home.

Stay strong xxx

[Jezi]

Thank you for sharing your story steev. I can very much relate.
As of right now im only trying to cope with the situation im in and trying to see a new brighter future ahead of me. It IS extremely tough at this point, never thought it would come to this honestly.

Kids just came home from school and i could shift my focus for a moment. Tomorrow i might see my mum if she isnt busy.

My husband is not exactly helping telling me to stop being down. Easy peasy. I really do try my best to not show anything in front of the kids and without support it feels like im suffocating.

[Author]

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