[Jezi]

I hope you had a wonderful evening out. If it was your birthday- horray for you 🙂 

Your words make a lot of sense and i guess im pretty much the same. I went to bed early and listened to some podcast on gambling addiction til i eventually fell asleep.

Today i have some more energy and will keep myself occupied. 

Oh and i never usually want the weekend to pass but i look forward to be able to say that im 2 weeks gambling free. It’s been my short time goal for over a month. 

Have a lovely day xxx 

[Jezi]

Im glad to hear that hubby apologized. If you need the pills – take them. I stopped taking mine as they gave more anxiety. A warm bath sounds lovely! I hope that you will have a good nights sleep and wake up well rested tomorrow.

Love jez

[Jezi]

Haha idi! Well at least you could txt someone! 🙂

I’ve plowed through everything on Netflix that I’ve found entertaining or interesting lol. Watched 7 seasons of american horror story in about 2 weeks. It probably didnt make me more sane but i got hooked even though i didnt like all the seasons – but it was something to keep me from gambling at least. 

You are probably right i tend to overthink things a lot. I just hope she wont tell anyone.

Hope you are having a nice day 🙂

[Jezi]

Nope, they dont do that here. I wish it worked that way, we dont have sponsors either. Only one meeting per week.

This is worse than when i quit smoking. 

[Jezi]

I have never heard of that steev but maybe youre right. Im not sure it exists now though. I am starting to regret that i told my friend last night and am anxious about how it’s going to effect our relationship both work wise but also personally. I hope to god she wont tell anyone as it would be a complete disaster for me as the owner of the company im running. I still have not told my husband that i slipped and told her in a weak moment. I think he would be dissapointed, very much so. There is a helpline for gambling addicts but unfortunately it’s not open during weekends. Cant talk to hubby as hes in a bad mood about something and even if he wasnt i cant talk to him about this as it’s something he cant handle. There is also some kind of suicide helpline but i dont want to waste their time. I used to like to read books but i have a hard time focusing right now. I wish that the gambling helpline was open, weird that it’s closed during weekends as it’s financed by the government i assume.

[Jezi]

With nothing to do gambling thoughts are taking over completely. I dont have access to my credit card anymore. Im thinking about going to buy an ecard at the grocery store so i can gamble. I am not going to do that but it’s very overwhelming and seems like a good idea for a moment. If i wasnt so tired i would have done something worthwhile, yoga, running or something like that. I hope this phase is over soon.

[Jezi]

Thanks everyone for commenting.

Steev yes, that probably would have made it easier. I was taken by surprise that i reacted the way i did and could not control it. Everyone was really nice about it though,i dont remember what they said but i remember someone saying it’s ok.

Like Monica said men are overreprensated in these groups which kind of makes you feel a little like an outsider or misplaced. But they actually talked about that with me the first time i went. I dont know when i wont dit there with my heart pounding in my ears right before i have to talk. But yes i can see that it passes eventually.

IDI, im glad you found my post helpful . I think what happened is that a lot of old ( and new) feelings came to surface once i actually aired some of what I’ve been through that has been forbidden to talk about. I dont know if im making any sense here but, i dunno. I have thought about why i started and what happened but i have never ever really processed it or talked about it.

Closing in on my two weeks mark and today my brain really wants to gamble. Slightly hungover today so will just stay in and maybe watch some movies. Kids are away with friends so just me and hubby at home. He is in a bad mood about something. I asked whats up but he just said nah its nothing. Well that tells me theres definitly something.

Anyhow have a great weekend everyone xxx

[Jezi]

I went for after work and told one of my best friends whos also an employee that im in trouble – gambling addict. She was super supportive and understanding. I told her that she cant tell noone. I hope it stays that way. Im a complete mess. I have betrayed my husband who told me that i cant tell noone but i couldnt keep it in. We talk on a regular basis – more than me and hubby. Dont know if it was right or wrong but shes supportive and is willing to have some understanding.
.

Good night

[Jezi]

Friday- two weeks gambling free on Monday. I am struggling with urges to gamble and abstinence. Last night i went to GA it was good but tough. Managed to speak up, first introduction part went well. Second part i had to stop mid sentence cause i could not continue or i seriously think i would have passed out. Could not breath and was shaking uncontrollably. It made me realise that i have to talk about it as i never have before. Not much sleep tonight. Fragile day but am going to try to make the best of it. It’s friday after all!

[Jezi]

Hi Vera. I hope the meeting goes well for you tonight.

Mine was awful in terms of realising that im more damaged than i could ever imagine. Peoples stories also breaks my heart into little pieces and i have a hard time handling it. It was tough. Had to open a bottle of wine now that i came home. Im wondering how on earth im going to make it through this. But also hearing other peoples stories here and at GA makes me hopeful.

Thanks for your post and sending strength your way xxx

[Jezi]

Lol steev thats funny indeed! Misunderstandings can take weird turns- sometimes for a comic twist. Poor DJ! Im trying to take care of myself but it is difficult when you have to always take care of others. Be it work, family or friends. Today im really feeling that i need a break, but it’s not possible cause life and work goes on without no stopping it. I see a pattern now though. Im desperately wanting to gamble today because im worked out and stressed about work. Theres always something that comes up that i need to take care of. So when i get overwhelmed i want to gamble to shut things out for a while. I am probably also experiencing hefty withdrawal symptoms cause i didnt gamble (with money) for a little longer than a week. Have a headache, nausea and feeling dizzy. Fun times!

Vera- wow that sounds great. I dont know if it’s helping just yet but it is some kind of comfort to be surrounded by people in the same position ( well, different but same same). I agree that sleep is a big issue. I’ve always been dependant on getting a good nights sleep or i dont function normally.

GA in two hours, hopefully i will be able to speak my mind this time.

Love jez

[Jezi]

Oh dear i would of been terrified but im glad you were ok! If it had been somebody else i would of said the same but i was dead worried as my blood works always has been spot on even through pregnancy. 

Im lacking support from home big time so im happy that I can get support elsewhere. But on the other hand im glad that hes supportive enough to not apply for a divorce. I have really messed things up to say the least. Tomorrow at GA  I will most likely be the only one whos not bringing a relative or friend to the meeting as its friends and family night. Im still gonna go but it’s going to be lonely. 

[Jezi]

Ok phew she called just a few mins ago. Must be working day and night i suppose. She didnt think the bloodtests were that awful and that shes sure theyre gonna go down as i get more sleep and get Into the habit of eating properly again. So NOW i can finally breathe again. I will be referred to either a KBT programme for gambling addicts or a proper counsellor. I will know more on Monday. Tomorrow GA again:) Friday i will join my colleagues for after work as i got some new clothes today haha

[Jezi]

Like i said. Healthcare system here is a joke. Still no call from the dr. Probably not such a great idea to prescribe antidepressants to people with known side effects which may worsen the condition when you start taking them without a follow up. Been holding the phone in my hand the whole day at work because i was worried i might miss the call as i work in a noisy environment.

Im going shopping soon with a friend to treat myself to something, i dont know what, maybe a piece of clothing if i find something i like. I need to rewire my brain so to get something for myself is a first step.

Have a great day peeps xxx

[Jezi]

Hi idi, im the same. But i do know that sleep makes things easier. Slept well tonight and i already feel that i have a lot more physical energy. My mind is clearer too! Might even go for a walk on my lunch break.

I think that maybe forcing yourself to be healthier will lead to a less crooked way of thinking. I had to force myself to start eating again, its not easy but i know it leads to more stress on the body and mind. I have also forced myself to go for short walks and do yoga even though i am exhausted. But id like to think that it helps – and of course getting proper sleep.

I hope you will have a good day xxx

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