[JesterRace]

Thanks for the further words of support steev, it’s much appreciated and certainly is a better lens to look at what would otherwise be regrets, thank you very much for that. 

[JesterRace]

I had to ***** how many days its been, lo and behold, 9 days now!

Just popping by with a quick update, I had my first counselling session yesterday, it was exhausting but felt a relief to tell my story from the beginning to a professional, and to know so many of my gambling habits and behaviors are quite universal among other gamblers. I was pretty apprehensive about attending it all, every ounce of my being wanted to cancel it at the last minute, but very glad I went ahead with it. Same time next monday.

Feeling pretty strong, my best mate is managing my finances for the foreseeable future anyway, its such a relief to not have access to money for gambling, I’m elated I don’t have to do this any more (Yes, that’s the Allen Carr mentality shining out of me) and looking forward to slowly rebuilding my finances and social life over the coming months.

Something feels different this time, with actual counselling, and having someone manage my money I feel like a whole new beginning is happening. I just wish I could speed it up, but as the counsellor I’m working with said, that desire for the quick fix is what got me into this mess, so I’m ready to take it slow and put in the hard work to a new life.

[JesterRace]

A quick entry here for day 4 – still going strong, finished the Alan Carr book and feeling excited about living a different live from now on, no massive urges I want to act on just some intrusive thoughts now and then.

FIrst counselling session booked for this Monday, and my new bank cards arrived still sealed in the envelope, giving these to my friend this weekend to help control my finances for at least 6 months until my debts are clearer.

I have mixed feeling at the moment, sad when reflecting over the things I’ve done and money I’ve wasted over the years, but also excited at the prospect of a new beginning. This is my first time seeking professional help and also completely giving up access to money too, so quite hopeful at this new approach rather than relying solely on my best intent.

[JesterRace]

So into day 2 now. I made contact with the gambling charity and got a swift response – due to have a phone call at midday today to arrange a first of twelve counselling appointments.

Definitly felt some urges yesterday, but as I have no debit / credit cards at the moment I can’t act on it. I have received a revolut card (prepaid debit card) which my friend will top up for me each month with my new debit card that I will forfeit to him when it arrives.

I’m hoping this will allow me to clear debts with my creditors and and stay on top of all other outgoings, while leaving me with finances to live off for the month, with added accountability as he will be able to see my spending via revolut app.

Listening to the Alan Carr easy way to stop gambling audio book while in work today, and an interesting TedX talk on addiction on the commute is definitly helping to keep my motivation up.

[JesterRace]

Thanks very much for the reply and words of support steev, the details of the counselling program are here https://www.thegamblingclinic.ie/the-program.html although it’s based in another city, it offers Skype sessions also. It looks like it could be a very helpful tool in the recovery. 

I looked at GA meetings last night, there’s one near my area at 8pm this evening. I’m a little apprehensive / nervous about attending one as I’ve never been comfortable speaking in a group situation, what happens at GA meetings? I have no idea what to expect even. I would of course like to push myself to go as I will do anything it takes to beat this.

So I’m into day 1 now – I have to figure out how to repair the immediate financial issues I’ve made, it’ll likely take a door step / pay day loan for food transport and urgent debt repayments, for the last time!

I plan to talk to my best friend and tell him I relapsed later today. 

[JesterRace]

I lasted just a bit over two months myself, and much the same as you, I kept seeking out online casinos to find one I hadn’t self excluded from. And that wasn’t easy, I’ve excluded from A LOT. I don’t understand how it happened – I felt a bit smothered with finances and it happened almost on auto pilot mode.

I had a big loss last month, and another pretty sizeable loss yesterday, effectively undone all my hard work repairing my finances up until now. It sucks, I feel pretty S**t about it but I keep reminding myself, it’s not the end of the world, It’s time to refocus, get back on the wagon, day 1 again. We gotta keep on trying,

Is there anybody in your personal life you would consider opening up about this too? It’s a big relief getting it out, whether on this forum or with someone you know, that said I know it’s not easy, telling my friends was one of the hardest things I’ve done, and I’ve been too ashamed to tell them about this little relapse , although I know I will once the dust has settled a little. You should consider telling your group and councillor at least dude, it’ll be hard but nothing but good will come from it.

Either way, you’re not alone, far from it – all of us on this forum are in it together. Are you with me for Day 1 here? Let’s put our best foot forward.

[JesterRace]

Man I hear ya on the lotto ticket, I don’t want to ever buy one or a scratch card again even. so done with gambling in all forms. 

forgiving yourself is a huge step in the healing process, man, easier said said than done I know,  was hard for me to do too, but we’re only human so we all make mistakes, what learn from these mistakes and how we choose to bounce back is what really matters . You got this man, treat it as a life lesson more valuable than any windfall and put the  best foot forward. 

Glad to hear you’re keeping up the counselling , I hope it’s helping you through this. I’m thinking about arranging a few sessions for myself also. I know I’m done with gambling now, But I want to pick my brain for the reasons I did in the first place.N

Not hugely into motivational sayings but this one seems to resonate with me: “Before a man can conquer the world, he must first conquer himself” , that’s driving me forward / helping me forgive myself and move on to a different path 

[JesterRace]

Stay strong Emma , remember all the reasons to be free from gambling that inspired you to start this journal on days like today.
Having a difficult few days myself, today is my monthly salary day which is usually a huge trigger. I’m just remembering I had to sell my motorbike last month due to gambling debts , that gets rid of any urge.
have you read or listened to the audiobook of Alan Carrs easy way to stop gambling? it’s bloody marvelous for keeping the spirits up on tough days !

[JesterRace]

Well done on your first counselling session, it’s great to hear you’re feeling the benefits of it already, onwards and upwards buddy!

That option to cancel a pending withdrawal is the worst, I can’t ***** how many times I’ve lost an entire win by slowly cancelling more and more of the withdrawal trying to chase something bigger. It sounds like that little relapse has only just served to fuel your desire to be gamble free even more. As you no longer have access to online casinos anymore, this last experience will serve as a reminder to why.

Really enjoying reading of your success so far, especially since our stories are quite similar, long may it continue for us both. Some work ahead for us to repair the financial damages, but I’m excited to do it knowing I’m finally out of the trap and I’m no longer facing it alone.

Good shout on that Alan Car audiobook, I listened to that last week – it’s bloody brilliant, completely retrains your way of thinking around gambling, couldn’t recommend it more!

Good luck and keep the updates coming!

[JesterRace]

callmecrazy, just weighing in here re: Bonus rounds – I’ve been there, that exact sceanario – it’s beyond soul destroying! If only that bonus round came on a hugher stake.

Another time the bonus round came at the last call. just as I emptied my entire bank account over a few frenzied hours, except it was a big win, covered all my losses and gave a huge profit too. Instead of being hungry and poor for a month now I’m very comfortable and can pay off chunks of my debts too! Great right? But then that voice says: “But…if that bonus round happens again soon…. you could triple this…”  – all winnings gone within 20 minutes, back to rock bottom and despairing. 

The big wins on the bonus rounds are the absolute worst for hooking you back in because you know it’s possible, but ultimately, the machine always wins because of this. 

[JesterRace]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum, your story is so similar to mine – on and off gambling, emptied bank account, hitting rock bottom, self-exclusions, loans due to gambling etc. Well done on taking the step to join up here and start a journal, looking forward to hearing your continued success!

I discovered this forum about 2.5 weeks ago, and have been gamble free since, that temptation to just deposit a 20 or 30 – “Just to chance my arm” has been there alright, but we know that will always yield the same results as before, an emptied bank account and misery. However It is so nice to not see heaps and heaps of 20-30 shameful transactions on my account.

Keep it going, would love to continue reading of your success, Myself, yourself and Pie above will hit the 6 month milestone together.

[JesterRace]

Well done for making that phone call to arrange that counselling session, proud of you dude. I felt that same relief saying those words out loud to my friend for the first time also. that’s a huge step you took towards rebuilding yourself

It’s good you know that chasing losses isn’t how to fix things, and that windfall ain’t gonna happen again, don’t let that tempting voice tell you otherwise . You got this, With a bit of work there’s a much better life waiting for you without gambling, and that is absolutely certain. Gambling will only bring more misery, also fact.

My advice would be to permanent ban/self exclude from all online casinos you’re signed up to, right now, don’t even think twice about it, that’s another leap in the right direction.

Take it a day at a time , please do keep the updates coming though in your own time. nothing but good can come from Fridays session, stay strong untill then.

[JesterRace]

Wow, The entirety of last week’s morning ride to work was spent doing exactly that. Thank you very much for drawing that parallel, it’s given me a positive shift in perspective . I look forward to the contrasting serenity tomorrow now. I guess little changes like that in perspective will help the rebuilding and recovery process.

Thanks also for the kind words, blown away by the support so far on this forum. Will certainly continue with the updates as the following months progress, onwards and upwards.

[JesterRace]

A little update here also; The funds from the bike sale landed in my account, and I’m now up-to-date with all minimum payments on loans and bills/rent etc. I have food, shelter, clothes and warmth, a solid financial plan for the months ahead, and some € in my wallet. I’m sad I have no motorbike, but in the bigger scheme of things I know I’m doing OK for now.

I went to another city with some friends over the weekend (including my housemate, who has my bank cards) to see a concert, and then returned to my hometown to go off to my other best mate’s birthday celebrations in the pub. It was good to get out, I was on the alcohol free beer as I’m not drinking at the moment, but I still had fun. However, I seen a lot of old friends in my hometown I hadn’t seen in a long time too, when they asked how I had been keeping during the small chat, I felt “I’m in debt from a gambling addiction and had to sell my motorbike” wasn’t a particularly apprpriate response so I just said “all good, and yourself?” , I look forward to the day when I can see friends and honestly reply to that question without hiding anything.

I get fleeting thoughts about gambling, without any desire – if that makes sense? My lizard brain craves the dopamine, but my rational brain is saying “Nah, f— that, you’re so done with that s—” . Not that it matters, I don’t have my debit cards, and am banned from all online casinos I know of

Tomorrow will be my first day taking public transport to work after the sale of the motorbike, I’ll have to remind myself, I’m on this bus because I am rebuilding my life, and throw on a good spotify playlist to see me through the 1 hour commute (That’s 20 mins on a motorbike…but we’ll ignore that)

[JesterRace]

Thanks for the message of support Pie, I read your story just now, there are certainly some striking similarites.Neither of us are failures dude, we just got caught in this sinisiter trap. A trap designed to catch otherwise intelligent and rational folk, This forum definitly helps with the accountability and getting it off our chests, so keep posting, would like to follow your journey! Selling the motorbike was certainly hard, a very tough pill to swallow, I can imagine this would be even more amplified for you considering you had to rebuilt after that accident. If it comes to selling yours, stay strong, and do what you need to do to repair the financial damage with your head held high. I took some weird comfort in knowing I sold something I really didn’t want to to fix my situation, it’s feels like I took ownership of things I have done, and shows I’m willing to rebuilt my life and my finanaces at whatever cost, and losing the bike will always serve as a reminder of how much I never want to go down this road again.

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