[jenny t]

Thank you so much Velvet. I loved your response to my post and the story of the donkey. That is so true and it keeps me going.

I recently watched an Oprah programme and there was a celebrity on it who had lost all his money, his home and belongings due to living ‘the high life’ until he ended up sleeping out of his car for several months and living in poverty to which he called his ‘rock bottom’. He said he wasnt telling his story to make people feel sorry for him but to help people realise that if you have a desire to change things then you can.
He then went on to tell a tale of how he saw a light at the top of the mountain and how he had a vision of getting up there but first he had to pull his wagon up to the top as he had a strong rope around his neck and he knew the journey was going to be tough, but he also knew he wanted to get to the top. He described his friends getting on his wagon and helping him up the mountain by putting their feet outside on to the dirt as they pushed with their legs to support him getting up the hill. he spoke about others sitting on his wagon and happily enjoying the ride but without giving him much support but he then spoke about the people who tried to keep his wagon at the bottom of the hill by constantly weighing it down, people who were using up his precious energy to meet their own needs and who just tried to drag him down when all he wanted to do was keep going up. He said he had to put those people out of his wagon or he would never have felt the light at the top of the mountain.

It made me think and i hope you know what i mean?

The man did get back on top again and he got his wagon to the top of the mountain.

I want to keep going up and its hard as my ex contacted me again today. a text saying please respond to this as i gave you my mobile phone and now i need it back. its left me anxious as he had run up a phone bill of 2000 pounds and i didnt know at the time, but had also failed to pay his contract. I didnt know he had one.
Anyway, he gave me his phone in april and said his provider was cutting him off so he couldnt use it. he gave it to me and said it made sense for me to have it. I then took out a one year pay as you go monthly contact at a cheap rate per month but when my ex had gambled again and i was short of money, i sold it and downgraded myself to a phone that was just as suitable for me. Now after all this time, he has text me saying he still has a contract with his provider (although ‘bumped’by him) and he wants his phone back.

Does he want his phone back or is it an excuse to contact me as i made it clear after he threatened me yesterday not to contact me again? am i in any trouble as i sold the phone?
why am i feeling anxious when he is the one causing this? so many questions again. I guess i just have to tell myself that i did nothing wrong as he gave me his phone willingly. i did not steal or take it without his permission. if all this happened in april, why wait and ask for the phone now ?

I have not responded to his text. I am going to keep ignoring him.I have to get to the top of my own mountain and i know the very person I dont want on my wagon just now, or ever if he continues to not give me space when all i want is to recover.

shaking the dirt off velvet, thank you.

[jenny t]

Thanks Jenny. Your words really helped me, especially saying that my strength needs to be kept for important things and definitely not for my ex and his addiction. And also the comment you made about my work. You are so right. I work with very vulnerable people and I know I help to empower them and help them to feel safe and secure in their lives by just going through their journey with them. I really enjoy my work and my ex and his behaviour, manipulation, tactics to cause me further anxiety and the fact that he is illogical in his thinking and consumed by the addiction, is absolutely not worth me hurting anymore. Enough is enough.

I had a really difficult time after someone called Marco and ***** commented on my posts. Marco made me feel guilty as he commented on my marriage vows and how it would be best to support my ex because he is sick. I felt really upset after I read this. It is not easy to walk away from a 10 year relationship and I did take my marriage vows seriously but to stay would have been to put my children through so much distress and I understand that Marco may have felt he was helping but it really made me question whether I had made the right decision. I had to keep reading your post Jenny and also Velvet and Michelles and all the other posts I have had from people ‘walking in my shoes’ to help me get back on track. More tears in the ocean that week. I even considered never writing on here again but I have found it helpful and if you got medicine from a doctor that helped to relieve your pain, you wouldnt just give it up because of perhaps a side effect.

Harry, on the helpline was also a good support and I am relieved that the posts are gone.

You were right Jenny about my ex and his manipulation. After I gave him some food , pot noodles, cup of soups, porridge that he just needed hot water for, he remained ‘nice’ for the week that his parents were away on holiday and was sending me texts of how sorry he was. I sent little responses, saying he needs to want to stop and that he is the only one in charge of his life.

His parents come back on the Thursday ( a week later) and he is on social media telling everyone he is going out for a kebab, getting a haircut, doing great. Eh? I thought he was miserable, sorry, horrified by what he has done but No, he doesnt appear to be.

I then find out the following day that he has been asked to leave the B+B he is in. So, thats our family home he has had to leave, his parents home, now a B+B because he has been causing offence to the other people staying there, disrespecting the owner and going against the B+B’s rules. smoking in his room and I am really not sure who my ex truly is anymore. obviously very addicted and you believed this to be the case Jenny. I know you wish you were wrong and that he was in recovery but hes not. What next I ask?

I now have his parents back and they are contacting me a lot asking to see our daughter. Despite them being abusive to me, believing I have not supported my ex enough, not listening as I tell them I want my daughter to feel completely secure (which she is doing so much better since not having contact with her dad or his parents), they are not listening to me and I feel they are putting their needs first and not my daughters. I have asked them to give me space and my wee girl has now stopped wetting her pants and bed, which I am so relieved about as lots of hugs, comfort and tlc from me and my friends and family seems to have made all the difference to her. Now the in laws are ‘just not getting it’ and just as I was beginning to feel better, their contact makes me feel upset. They are also enabling my ex and so his addiction will continue.

Whilst he is addicted, there will be no contact with his daughter as my job is to keep her recovering too and I am now at a stage where I don’t even care what he thinks about this or his parents as I know what is best for my daughter.

I have been angry this week and have had to stop myself from texting him. Theres no point is there?
My daughter attends brownies and they asked for money for her to go to a panto, then her dancing said they were doing a panto trip too and also a halloween party as well as a new costume that I was encouraged to buy. My ex has gave me no money for her since July. Not a penny. What he paid for his kebab could have went towards her panto trip. Am I being harsh?

I now get what you and others have being saying Jenny. I can change what I do but right now he is still just looking after himself. and yes, he hasnt starved and he has actually put on a lot of weight too. Manipulation is powerful.

I read on a blog that a CG put –

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Unfortunately, I know which wolf my ex is feeding right now and I so wish it wasnt the lying selfish one

[jenny t]

Thanks jenny for your advice re the credit report. Thats a good idea and one that I will check. My bank have agreed in principle to give me a loan so fingers crossed that I can sort out my finances with their help. Not the best rate but I am too scared to apply for a loan and get told No. My ex has caused that.

You were also right Jenny about him not being in recovery. He has gambled again, 600 pounds this weekend and I know because he told me. His parents are away on holiday and he has no food or any other help until his parents get back.So what do I do, cry a lot as I am about to help the man who has caused me to doubt myself, took away some of my confidence, made me feel bad, hurt me, caused me to be anxious, angry and really sad and also treated me children in a horrible way by making them scared and not having any care towards them or me. So what do I do? I buy him food.

I dont get it and I really struggle with doing this so I contact the helpline today to talk it over as I dont know what to do. I dont want him to think I am going to be there to help him out or bail him out, yet I am worried that he wont have any food. Did he worry about me and my kids when he stole my bank card and cleared out my account. No because I would sort it and have friends and close family that can help me so why on earth am I being nice to him?

Because I still love him? of course i do and I dont want to. It hurts too much. all of this.

I have been off my work for several months now because my gp knows I am stressed and I cry a lot. I told myself that I wouldnt have any contact with him so I could recover and then what do I do, meet him and listen as he tells me again that he has gambled. He then says he doesn’t want to anymore. That he cant handle having money as he knows he will spend it. That gambling is going to kill him. He goes on to say that he also needs to attend AA as he doesnt want to drink and when I meet him he hands me alcohol saying he doesnt want this around him. Thats a first. I tell him I wont ever help him out again. I cant. I talk about how im not coping that great and his response is that he is sorry and none of this was my fault.
I wonder if he is being nice because he has lost again and would it be different if his parents were not on holiday. What does it matter . All I know is how I feel and its been another tearful day.

I had to speak with my manager today also and I hate that. I hate that I am off work. I feel like I should be there but I work in a very stressful job with people who are abused and I am not emotionally strong right now to deal with that. I hate my ex for his addiction impacting on my job. My work have offered me counselling.

I feel today that I am keeping my hurt going as I should have no contact with him, where has my strength gone?
I know what I need to do. Its doing it thats the hardest bit but If I dont look after me, then the addiction has won.
Im crying as I write this .

I just miss him, hate him, love him, wish I had never met him, feel let down by him and know that I will never trust him again. I do have to remember though that I trust me. I trust me to get through this, to be a good role model to my children , to carry on and get back to work and to keep talking about all these thoughts because its too hard to keep them to myself.

Moving on is difficult but living with an addict is even worse.

[jenny t]

Thanks jenny for your advice re the credit report. Thats a good idea and one that I will check. My bank have agreed in principle to give me a loan so fingers crossed that I can sort out my finances with their help. Not the best rate but I am too scared to apply for a loan and get told No. My ex has caused that.

You were also right Jenny about him not being in recovery. He has gambled again, 600 pounds this weekend and I know because he told me. His parents are away on holiday and he has no food or any other help until his parents get back.So what do I do, cry a lot as I am about to help the man who has caused me to doubt myself, took away some of my confidence, made me feel bad, hurt me, caused me to be anxious, angry and really sad and also treated me children in a horrible way by making them scared and not having any care towards them or me. So what do I do? I buy him food.

I dont get it and I really struggle with doing this so I contact the helpline today to talk it over as I dont know what to do. I dont want him to think I am going to be there to help him out or bail him out, yet I am worried that he wont have any food. Did he worry about me and my kids when he stole my bank card and cleared out my account. No because I would sort it and have friends and close family that can help me so why on earth am I being nice to him?

Because I still love him? of course i do and I dont want to. It hurts too much. all of this.

I have been off my work for several months now because my gp knows I am stressed and I cry a lot. I told myself that I wouldnt have any contact with him so I could recover and then what do I do, meet him and listen as he tells me again that he has gambled. He then says he doesn’t want to anymore. That he cant handle having money as he knows he will spend it. That gambling is going to kill him. He goes on to say that he also needs to attend AA as he doesnt want to drink and when I meet him he hands me alcohol saying he doesnt want this around him. Thats a first. I tell him I wont ever help him out again. I cant. I talk about how im not coping that great and his response is that he is sorry and none of this was my fault.
I wonder if he is being nice because he has lost again and would it be different if his parents were not on holiday. What does it matter . All I know is how I feel and its been another tearful day.

I had to speak with my manager today also and I hate that. I hate that I am off work. I feel like I should be there but I work in a very stressful job with people who are abused and I am not emotionally strong right now to deal with that. I hate my ex for his addiction impacting on my job. My work have offered me counselling.

I feel today that I am keeping my hurt going as I should have no contact with him, where has my strength gone?
I know what I need to do. Its doing it thats the hardest bit but If I dont look after me, then the addiction has won.
Im crying as I write this .

I just miss him, hate him, love him, wish I had never met him, feel let down by him and know that I will never trust him again. I do have to remember though that I trust me. I trust me to get through this, to be a good role model to my children , to carry on and get back to work and to keep talking about all these thoughts because its too hard to keep them to myself.

Moving on is difficult but living with an addict is even worse.

[jenny t]

Thanks Velvet for your help.

As if my head wasn’t fuzzy enough, who do I bump into today at the shops. Yeah my ex and I am at one of my most vulnerable times as I had been to the dentist and needed an injection (my biggest fear is needles and I even got through child birth without them). Not only does the first jag not work, but I need another and I am a grown woman crying on the dentists chair as I face my biggest fear.
When I meet my ex and he asks if I want to talk, I say yes and what a mistake as I end up listening as he goes on about himself.
He talks about the support he is getting and how he has ‘broken down’ and how he listened to a woman from gamanon cry in front of others as she spoke about her marriage to her husband crumbling but how she knew he was very unwell so she stood beside him and helped him through it. He said thats what marriage is about.
I told him some marriages also break up because there is no trust left and it wasn’t just gambling in our relationship, there was drink and then he admitted to taking drugs too. He seems to have minimised these parts.
He then went on to say how I wasn’t perfect in our marriage. I never said I was but i have never betrayed him, lied, cheated with the bookies, stole, frightened our kids and been so selfish that I thought the world revolved around me.
Why is he making me doubt myself? He also talks about me being over protective with our daughter and that I should just allow her to see him. She’s not ready and it’s not going to happen just now.
I came away thinking, why on earth did I speak to him. On Monday he was saying he was going to call my work on me and now Im having a coffee with him (well he is having a cuppa because I have a swollen mouth with the big bad jags I got)
My head tells me differently from my heart and just as I think I am feeling sorry for him, the anger comes back as he gives me self doubt and takes away some of my strength that I have been trying hard to keep.
One good thing at least was that I got my house key back and that is a relief but he has made me feel sad again today.

I tell myself that he is only interested in himself just now. He hardly asked me about the dentist and he doesn’t want to listen to how hurt we are. How can he as then he has to accept that he caused it and how can you look in the mirror every day and like what you see if you are someone who has tore your wife and children’s worlds apart because you choose to place another bet, knowing that it would spiral out of control yet not making the choice to seek help from GA friends or the many other supports around . I am realising that an addicts world is a selfish world and that it only takes from you, it doesnt give anything back.
All I needed was a few kind words from him today and I couldnt even get that.
I always used to tell myself that I should never expect things from someone because if you expect someone to do something and they don’t then you feel let down but it is better to have hope because if you hope they do something and don’t , then you are not as disappointed. I guess I don’t even have hope with regards to my ex just now but I do have hope that my world will not always feel like this and that I will heal and my children will too.
I have had 3 bad days this week , out of 4 and its because of contact with him.
They say in life you shouldnt have any regrets but I ask myself why did i ever marry him?My wee dad told me he would gamble again but I didnt listen. But the past is the past and I have to look forward, not back, because for now, it really is one day at a time.
And for now, his addiction is still having an effect. I have to not let it and to not listen to his words as making me doubt myself is not what I need .

I am still no further forward with a loan application as my local citizens advice bureau give me conflicting advice.One person said my address would affect applications and another said it wouldn’t as it was only your personal credit rating that would be in question.not the address.
I will revisit that one tomorrow. I have done enough today.
I just want to fast forward the months and be strong and me again. Why on earth did I marry an addict?

[jenny t]

Thank you to everyone posting words of strength to me. It really helps.
But I Thought I was doing ok and then boom, tears start again. Going through this is awful,
I then thought Jenny pull yourself together and get your finances sorted. The mess my ex has left me in, I was looking at taking out one big loan to consolidate my debt and make month to month more manageable but I feel a bit stuck. My ex ripped off so many loan companies and applied to tons of companies and all in my address. I have letters still coming to the house saying debt collectors will be in touch. I will gladly tell them where to find my ex or give them his parents details as the debt he owes is not my problem, What I am wondering is if I apply for a loan, and it is one of the companies he has not paid, will this affect me getting this or being refused as my address will have been used by my ex before and probably on more than one occasion?
I am anxious to apply incase I get told No as i have an excellent credit rating and my own bank have already told me they would give me a loan but their rates of interest are not the best on the market. I am stuck. Do I apply for a better loan but risk getting told NO because of my ex, does his CG affect me? do I go with my bank even though its not the best but at least I can sort out my financial mess.Why is it that I feel I cant make a decision today. I didnt sleep well last night so that doesnt help. I hate the mess my exhas left me with. How dare he do this to me again.
I am also not sure what to do about my ex too as he still has a key to my house. He has had opportunities to give this back to me but he is still holding onto this,I have asked him and I get excuses. I don’t trust him and sometimes I think, what if he comes to my house when I am out or is that a risk for him? I then think, no he wouldnt do that but then I never thought he would become aggressive, threaten to call my work as he’s paranoid, or even threaten suicide so who knows what he will do.
I have thought about getting my locks changed but then get angry as I think why should I have more expense and money I dont have. I have even thought i could maybe switch the barrels from my front door to back door as this may work and then if he ever tried the front door it wouldnt work. I guess though the best solution would be to get my key back but how do you do that with an irritational, deluded man at the moment. Oh I don’t know what I am meant to do today. I am determined his addiction wont have me beat but it is wearing me down as simple things like applying for a loan even feels huge today.
Maybe I am just tired. Any advice would be appreciated.

[jenny t]

Thank you for your comments. Velvet , you do say it so well and all the responses I am receiving really do help.

Unfortunately, I am not entitled to any of my ex husbands compensation money. He will receive £10,000 in the next few weeks and despite my £7,500 debt which was to buy a new car (after he crashed my one) because he will receive this as a personal injury claim, I am not entitled to it.
I could take him to court but as I work full time I am not entitled to any legal help so my legal fees would be high. I sigh as it often feels like one step forward and ten steps back as I know what he will spend the compensation money on.
I also contacted the child support agency again as I asked if I could use a collect and pay service which means the csa access funds from my ex and then pay them into my bank account. I have now been told today that they have spoken to my ex for 40 minutes and he does not want this to happen. The CSA then advised me to provide my ex with my bank account details and he will put money into my account on a monthly basis. Now I find my voice as I am just about losing the will as I inform the lady that my ex is a compulsive gambler and she wants me to give him my bank details, account number and sort code. Eh I don’t think so. All this energy and doing my best not to cry on the phone as the CSA advised that because my case is a new case, they have to allow my ex to pay first. I advise he is not likely to do this, He is a CG. I would like them to take money from his wages but nope, this is not happening and my ex has assured the CSA he will give me money for our daughter.
I’m upset by this. I have spent the morning setting up a new bank account with no funds in it in the tiny bit of hope that he will pay but his first payment is not due until November. All responsibility left with me again. He continues to stay in his lovely hotel and still lies to people . Don’t know which emotion is best for me right now, anger or the tears?
At least though I have made 2 difficult phone calls and have more information of what my rights are (not much right and lots of responsibility) but at least I know and I managed the phone calls without tears.
I just do what I can to get through the day. I walk a lot with my kids and my wee dog. I try to smile, even if I am forcing it and I make sure my kids have a normal routine with lots of hugs, reassurance and love from me. Thats all I can manage right now and I guess I try to focus on the positives as I can go to my bed without worrying about where my purse is. Oh even as I write that, its awful. So many people would be shocked by that , that you can be married and have to sleep with your purse. I guess that was my last few months of living with an addict. Fear, worry, stress and tears. I don’t have the fear now but I do still worry and the stress and tears are there but that will get better as I keep talking and using the supports I have to make things easier. It will be a while before it is better but I find the support here of the most help. The understanding people have of my situation is helpful.
So, a tough morning and more tears but I have to get stronger. My kids need me and I will try to focus on us, not my ex. It just gets so frustrating though and despite it all, I miss my ex, not the gambling one, the loving one and for that I will grieve. It still just really hurts.

[jenny t]

Thank you very much for your reply. Your words gave me some strength today and I really appreciate that. I cried though as I read your words but tears are better out than in.
My ex contacted me, not to say how are you or how are the kids but instead to tell me what he needs. Looking for my help as he needs a letter from me for the housing department so he can stay in the lovely hotel the council have put him in .
I am shocked as i am so upset by everything and all he is interested in is himself again. I agree to write a letter so he is no longer linked to my address and so I can keep trying to move on. It hurts but I know I am doing the right thing as there is never any way I will allow him to return to my home.

He gets my letter and tells me his mum has bought him new trainers, paid 450 pounds for car insurance and he also tells me he has a plan for his work not to find out he blew the 6000 car loan so he won’t lose his job. He advises he is telling his colleagues he has an illness but has not told them he is a cg. I don’t believe he is ill. he has an addiction.he made choices. nobody made him go into the bookies. Chrones disease is an illness, epilepsy is an illness, you don’t choose to become unwell with this . CG – an addiction.

Whilst he talks about him and his plans I attempt to tell him that I had to meet our 7 year old daughters head teacher today as our wee girl needs support. she is wetting her bed and pants and is very clingy to me. Also not sleeping as well since he was aggressive and I put him out my house. He hardly listens. He tells me he feels guilty yet can’t accept the reality of what is going on. He also now blames his gambling on a car crash he had in March last year and said if it wasn’t for the car crash he wouldn’t have gambled again. Oh he is justifying to himself what he believes to be the cause and it is makes me angry because the cause is himself, his behaviour, his choices, his actions. I have been in a car crash before and as horrific as it was ( I was lucky not to have died) I did not choose to deal with this negatively by drinking, gambling or taking drugs. Using the car crash is just an excuse.

I think I need to have no contact with my ex now, I go from being hurt to angry to frustrated and to having horrible thoughts about him that I never knew I could have. And I am a caring and loving person but also one that is being hurt by him.

Its just so hard all of this. And so unfair that he is going to keep his job, with no consequences for his actions, get a new car whilst I still have the debt and not one payment been made on my visa for the car we had to buy when he crashed my car. He is due compensation of 10,000 that his mum is going to manage and I have 7 and a half thousand debt because of him, 3 kids and just one wage. How is that right?
I apologise if you think I am feeling sorry for myself. Im not. I am just trying to come to terms with how wrong this feels and how he can still continue to carry on without a tear and behave as though he is the victim in all of it…. he has no family, no kids, no house aaargh HE CAUSED IT.

Strength to cope with this, I definitely need more of and a determination to feel stronger than his addiction (something velvet said which I found helpful).
I hope you understand my feelings and I am lucky to have wonderful friends around me but they don’t always get it and I know they feel helpless as they dont know what to say to me. I dont know either but I do have to keep caring for me and my kids. I just want to be me again. Wish I could get there sooner , it really really hurts.

[jenny t]

Thank you to everyone who has been replying to me. Thank you Velvet for taking time out of your holiday to offer support. That was so kind of you.

Since my last post a few weeks ago, my ex husband got worse. He had been using all tactics of being nice, then angry, saying one minute he will give me money for our daughter then saying no he won’t because he isn’t getting to see her (since he was aggressive in my home and scared her). I tried not to get into any arguments with him and instead involved the child support agency so the situation would be dealt with and I also tried to keep getting through the days as best as I could, with a lot of tears and an acceptance that my marriage is over. However, i then received 2 suicidal texts from him and then a final one saying he was in the psychiatric ward in the local hospital. He has been there for the last 2 weeks.
Why ? maybe because he has continued to gamble and stole more money from his parents who then kicked him out. He had been staying with them and told them he got a flat, guess what, the flat didnt exist and 500 pound deposit gone. Then he tells them he is getting a new car and they give him a deposit for 100. guess what, there was no car. Even worse his work gave him a car loan for 6000 pounds and he blew that too. He gambled his work’s money, got put out his parents house and then texts me suicidal stuff that I don’t respond to – but which causes me so much anxiety as I wonder if he is really low or is just trying another tactic.

I phone his parents to ask if they know where he is and they become abusive to me saying I should have supported him more as he is now in hospital. They cause me so much distress that I hang up the phone. My daughters grandparents now acting inappropriately and I understand their upset but I am not to blame for my ex’s behaviour.

I go to the hospital to see him as I want to know if he is hit rock bottom yet or please don’t think I am being callous, but did he want sympathy and a bed for the next few weeks in the hospital as with no family, parents, friends left and no money, what were his options – crime?
He spends the hour of visiting time talking about himself. How broken he feels, how he cant cope and when I reply and say Me and the kids are not coping well too, his response is “this is not about you, this is about me”. He’s the one apparently feeling low but I don’t actually see genuine remorse. Why not? Has he not had enough?

I make a decision not to visit him again and now he is in a psychiatric ward saying he has broken down, there will definitely not be any contact with his daughter just now or my other 2 kids. When I tell him this he reacts angrily again and now mr nice guy has gone and I get mr nasty again. Is he still addicted?
I have also just discovered that as well as the gambling, and increase of alcohol, he was also using cocaine in my house. I am devastated and I can only imagine where his head has been as the husband I had, when he wasn’t gambling, would never have put me and my kids at risk.

I don’t know who he is anymore.drugs, gambling, alcohol, nasty and nice and I wonder if our 10 years was based on a lie. I am heart broken and my wee girl is struggling. Addiction destroys families and I try so hard to understand it but I don’t want to anymore. It hurts too much and whilst I know that I will get stronger, there are so many days when the tears don’t stop.

My ex now has his parents feeling sorry for him again as they are visiting him in hospital and he has told me they are going to give him money for his car insurance and road tax when he gets out. He will gamble it. I am powerless over his actions and behaviour but as I say the serenity prayer I am seeking courage to change the things I can.
I still feel stressed and upset. I dont deserve this and neither do my kids.

[jenny t]

Hi, I don’t know if you still remain at home with your husband?
I understand how difficult it is to live with a CG and an alcoholic. My ex husband was replacing gambling with alcohol too and the arguments we had were horrible for us, but most importantly, terrible for the kids.
Anyone, whether male or female who becomes physical towards their partner, Chooses to do this. Gambling and alcohol is not an excuse as there are many ways in which your husband can deal with his anger, taking time out, walking away, going into another room, NOT making you feel frightened or put at risk. He is making poor parenting choices if he is physical towards you, the mother of his children. HIS behaviour is unacceptable. You and your children have the right to be safe in your own home.
I know how hard it is to walk away and you may not want to see that your husband is being abusive to you, but I agree with the other posts that your safety is the most important. There is support from women’s aid should you want this.

What do you and your children deserve? what life do you want for your children and for you?
Unfortunately, you cannot change your husband’s behaviour. You are not in control of his actions, you are only in control of yours. What can YOU change? What support do you need to help you ? What is important?
Your husband needs to want to stop gambling and want to stop drinking. It doesnt sound like he is there yet as he still believes he can win and nothing you can say or do will stop him from believing he can beat the system and get the next big win. You know he will lose. Then how does he cope with that? whats his actions/behaviour like then?
You are worth a life of happiness and you deserve to feel safe. Looking after yourself is important.
I hope you can make the choices which are helpful to you and I truly understand how difficult it is to change things, start again, even if its for a short time so you both have some breathing space.
Even writing here how you are feeling can be the start of great support.
Please take care and I hope you can post again . Remember what you can do, what you are in control of and the changes you can make. Trust in you.
Jenny T

[jenny t]

Hello monique
I am very new to this site and have only made one comment, that you saw to Michelle.
I don’t have my own thread as when you advise to click on New topic at the bottom left of the page, I cant seem to find this.? Maybe its easy and im just finding it difficult to find. I am really stressed just now with all that is happening for me.
Support would be good just now. I am not doing too great. Thankyou.

Jenny t

[jenny t]

I totally understand the lies,gambling, going on holiday,stealing from your child and feeling like you don’t know who the person is.
I was with my husband for 10 years and I separated from him weeks ago but have now consulted a lawyer and have told my ex it is over. I can’t live with this addiction anymore. Gambling does not just affect the gambler.It destroys the family too.

Tears, I am heart broken and feel like my world fell apart when my bank contacted me by text at 3am on a Sunday morning in April to ask me if I recognised transactions on my account. As I said No, I didn’t realise my ex husband was downstairs online with the laptop, as the bank were texting me. He had stole my bank cards from my purse and was using these, clearing out my accounts. I was advised to contact the fraud team. I had no idea it was him.
That was the third time I knew of in 4 years .
The first time was £7000 from our wedding fund. Gone and I had been with him for 6 years and had no idea he was a CG. 16 months later, more gambling. And another year after that 30,000 debt with credit cards,payday loans, loans and my wages, including our children’s birthday money.

I realised I cannot change him. He has to want to stop gambling and attending meetings will only work if you take on the support and be honest in the rooms.But you have to want to quit and for my husband, he has still not hit “rock bottom”.Often what I have heard other CG tell me about when they talk about their stories/recovery. My ex still does not believe he is beat. Until then, I have to walk away as I too cant live with my purse under my pillow, the constant doubt, the losing my mind as he made me believe I was in the wrong, with his lies being very believable.
My advice is to look after yourself and your son. I know how difficult it is , honestly I do as I have 3 children too and they have all been affected.
I know some CG who have been bet free for years and others who relapse then try then relapse again. The support is there but you have to want to stop.
Ive often asked myself “Why wasnt I enough, our family, nice house, car but yet the gambling always came first”. Like an affair but with the bookies. Deceit, betrayal, compulsive liar and a hurt and pain that tears you apart as you blame yourself for not managing well enough or not doing enough . But you never caused him to gamble, you cant change his behaviour and you are not responsible for him. he is an adult and you deserve to live without anxiety and nervousness and not to be betrayed by a secretive addiction that has terrible consequences.
I truly feel what you are going through. Im there with you.

[Author]

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