[jenny t]

Thankyou for the comments. I have been low at times, strong again, fragile and then determined. So many emotions and feelings and sadness too.

I still keep in contact with another CG, whom I met through my ex. He is a lovely guy and has been in recovery for 5 years now. He managed to save his marriage and lives with his wife and kids. I am happy for him and also one of my neighbours, who just moved in a few months ago, has also told me that he recognised me from a social GA event. he has also been in recovery for a few years and stays with his girl friend. He told me he knows my ex but my ex has stopped going to his main meeting.apparently he goes to another one. This neighbour then said my ex is used as an example of what can happen if you keep gambling – you can lose your home, your wife and your kids. He told me gambling addiction can be over come, which I know, my ex is just not ready to stop yet. So, I know that not every GA is the same, just some of the behaviours whilst gambling are. I dont want you think Vera that I am tarnishing every one being the same. I just get so angry and the emotions you experience when you are the person affected by the addiction, are emotions and feelings that you never knew you had. It is horrible but I appreciate all the comments I get back and the support whilst I am on my own journey to ‘get there’, to not being affected and to not be sad or hurt anymore.

Still difficult when I go out with friends for a meal and come home to my son being upset. I ask him what has happened and he tells me he has received a phone call from the police on his phone, he doesn;t answer. My son has never been in trouble with the police in his life and he is a good kid. I guess it is to do with my ex. I call the police and they have my son’s number as they are trying to get unpaid fuel back. The 47 pounds of unpaid petrol that my ex filled a form out for. Then ‘forgot’ to go back and pay. I tell the police his details, the sheriff officers at my door, the upset me and my kids are still experiencing and the police are very supportive. They now advise they will be making contact with my ex and won’t distress us again.
My son was so worried. guess my ex didn’t think about that. awful.

The next day I decide to request a meeting with my ex’s parents. I am trying to stop debt collectors, lawyers,agents,police and more surprises coming in to my life so I decide to tell his parents every thing that has been going on for us and the effects his CG is having on my kids. I was so anxious as his parents have not always been my number one fan but I am speaking to them to help me and my children and that is worth doing. They are shocked. They tell me they have not been managing his wages – ex obviously lied again – and that they financially helped him by getting him 6 months road tax for his new car. I talk to his mum about enabling and about this forum but she advises she has a book and that helps her. I tell his parents I will not cover for him and i will now tell every person looking for him, where he is. Not because I want to hurt him because I don;t. But because – you are right vera – I need to protect myself. My kids don’t deserve this too.

His father tells me that my cg will always blame others for his behaviour and actions and that they had no idea what I was going through. I am glad of their support and feel better that I have told them. It is such a burden carrying things, especially when you are not responsible for them.

So, if I am getting stronger, it changes how I do things but it still feels awful and makes me sad. I wish my ex could have been the guy that I spoke about earlier who saved his marriage and got his wife and kids back. My ex choose not to do this and then blamed me for not telling him I loved him or wanted him back. Or blamed his parents for his upbringing. and it is not even about blame anymore.i do believe that my ex is sometimes accepting for what he has done and can take responsibility . I have heard his apologies.
It is just not enough.

I am low today. got to get over this rotten day and remember how far I have come. Can’t change the past jenny T but you can live with your kids in a gambling free environment, safe in the knowledge that your hard earned money will still be in the bank at the end of the day and that there will be no need to hear about the lies. Then why do I miss my husband ? Because I am still grieving for the man that I used to have but I know the addiction has took him away. You are right velvet, I will never understand that.

Thanks for listening.

[jenny t]

Thank you Velvet. You really help to keep me strong as you speak with such knowledge about addiction with a caring and genuine understanding of how gambling affects you. And i am grateful for your comments.

So, I continued to receive text messages over the weekend and I answered a few but ignored a lot however, he really does want to get my attention so he posts on social media, a photograph of him, in his new car (wonder how he got that?) with a receipt. He is holding the receipt which is a Labrokes betting slip. With a long list of bets. He also posts a photo of bottles of alcohol and I guess that is for his sunday session. Alcohol and betting and Sunday being a betting day. Also mothers day. awful.

My daughter sees it and takes a copy of this as within half an hour of posting his photo,he makes it disappear. Are CG’s magicians too. I should not mock but sometimes the feelings I have are really bad. guess the addiction makes you feel this way.

So he has posted himself with his ladbrokes receipt and now got what he wants as he asks in his post “what are my chances”. I reply and tell him that the biggest chance is loss. And I am gobsmacked by his response and denial as he lies once more and tells me – Oh that was not me in the photo, it was someone else who sent it to show that betting is a mugs game. Wow, it is his arm holding the receipt, in his new car and now he is in total denial – trying to do what abusive people do – make you feel that you are going mad or make you question your own thoughts and doubt yourself, even though you truly know that you are correct and it is the very clever and manipulative cg that is wrong.

Oh and that morning I had a text from him saying “happy mothers day” signed with a kiss. So his pattern on Friday – he knows I am out so I get the texts, all about him, how I have won,messages at 3am, blame on me. Then I get how much of a victim he is on the saturday and he is trying every tactic for communication. I am understanding this now. Then I get Mr Nice wishing me a lovely day and when I still don’t respond, he provides evidence of gambling by holding a ladbrokes receipt. What a silly man.

He has had no thought for my daughter seeing this, she is always on social media, no thought for me over the weekend, other than to blame me and make me feel bad, then tries to deny he was in the photo so I will doubt what I saw. Manipulative and abusive and now I do feel that he should , in his words, “rot”.

When my instinct said he was gambling, i was right. I gave him an olive branch a few weeks ago when he asked me about the kids and I encouraged him to write a letter to them, being a start to re establish contact and mend some of the hurt. He never sent any letters, he has no interest in his kids, it is all about him. What a shame but it just gives me more evidence of where he is at, and he still obviously believes that he can continue to bet. Not at his rock bottom, not in recovery,still gambling.

So if that is where he is at, he can get on with it. And again, I need to get that focus back on me and my kids coz that is what is important.

You were so right Velvet when you said there would be more ups and downs and now I experience them, but with some strength. In a better place than I was before, using this as a support, singing my songs and nearly at the finishing line. Hopefully when I more ‘recovered’ myself, I can give something back to other people on this site.
Using what has happened in your life, can benefit others as I can truly empathise and understand what is happening, although their experience will still be unique to them. I have also learned so much about myself through this awful journey. The best thing is – I know I can look after me, practically and emotionally and I have an inner strength to change this negative into a positive as again I hear your words Velvet, the pain and suffering I have experienced has not been for nothing.

Nearly there I think. more better days but still some hard and confusing ones too. And there is an army of people on this site, michelle, jenny, vera, worried mama, and so many more, that I can hear right now saying “keep going jenny”. and your believe in me too Velvet, that I can get through this. I am stronger than his addiction.
Thank you so much.
Again, upset at the start of my post but stronger at the end.
Keep going Jenny, keep going.

[jenny t]

Thank you Velvet for really helping me again. I have had to re read my posts as I have just felt flat this week, Not anger, not sadness, just flat.
I had been doing well and I seem to be getting invites to fund raising nights, birthday parties and hen nights. I have not been out to social events in a while.I found it too hard. But I decided, say yes Jenny T. You can do it. So last night I went to a friend’s 40th party and I wont pretend it wasnt difficult, walking in on your own, no husband by your side, but I did it. My daughter posted that I was out on social media and well, the texts from my ex began. “you have won I can’t do it anymore” Eh, what is he talking about. I ignore it.
Another text at 3am – “my daughter wont ever want to see me again, being around you, it must’ve been real bad living with me for 10 years, treat each day as if it your last”. I don’t respond.
In the morning, more texts and he tells me “instead of trying to work out our marriage , you left me to rot, why do you think i lost it”,omg, he is blaming me, so i now respond but not with anger or annoyance as I won’t react this way but of concern. I tell him there are no winners in any of this, it is not a game he is playing it is peoples lives – mine and his kids. I tell him I could not stay in the marriage that was not trusting as when I found out in april last year that he gambled, I did let him stay in the house but then in May, I discover he is still gambling and I get more lies. The holiday was not long after and that was a disaster as the gambling was replaced by alcohol misuse and I was left to look after our kids in a foreign place, on my own, whilst he got drunk. and then he loses it in my house in August, making my kids and me scared so I say no more and he is out. So which part have I left him to rot? What was I meant to do? just keep accepting the lies and dishonesty, spending money, having me and my kids affected more and our self worth being grinded down by him. No, I was not accepting the addiction and all the behaviours that go with it in my life anymore.

Reading your supportive comments velvet has helped as you mentioned the debts/money spent that he may have forgotten about.or does not want to acknowledge because to admit it, means to feel the shame that goes with his actions and that must be an awful place to be. So why is he trying to make me feel bad?I did not cause this or want it in my life. What is the matter with him?

Then he tells me he has not been gambling for 3 months now. So I ask why is he not paying off his debts and why did I have sheriff officers at my door for unpaid fines as well as not paying for petrol,road tax, along with everything else. His reply was that he had no money to pay for petrol or pay his debts cause he was skint. He said he didnt steal the petrol. On 23 December, he fills up his car, fills in a form with an excuse and then never goes back to that petrol station.In my eyes, that is stealing as it is taking something and not paying for it.maybe he sees it differently.

So i tell him it is good that he says he is not gambling but recovery is not just about staying off the bet. For me it is about responsibility, accepting what you did and trying to make changes in your attitude/behaviour so that you start to like who you are again, getting out of the shame pit and being the better father that the kids need u to be.It can’t be about staying a victim, blaming others for what went wrong and to still tell lies. So I guess my ex is not in recovery.

I stopped texting back as he then told me he was going to move away as there was nothing left for him here, and also that i never told him I loved him or wanted him back. My fault again. Oh velvet, i lost some of those counters that were getting me up my mountain as texting back was not the right thing to do. why am i trying to reason with a CG?

Ironic that he texts me whilst knowing I am out. but it won’t stop me as I won’t stay behind closed doors and not have my life anymore. His addiction nearly destroyed me and I can’t go back to the way I used to feel,I need to keep being strong.

it is his 40th birthday coming up and I guess that must be affecting him,but it is not right for him to blame me. I could not stay in my marriage, so why is he making me feel bad?

I am sure that maybe one day , I will look back on this chapter of my life and make more sense of it because just now I still get cloudy days. Hopefully the sun will come back out again.

I am crying right now. This still hurts.But best to keep letting go of how I feel and talking to people who understand. thanks for listening.

[jenny t]

Thank you so much Velvet. Your reply has truly helped me and made me feel better about myself. Your words are sensitive and powerful too, often I can feel a hug. May sound silly but your support and virtual hugs help as I hear you say “it’s ok jenny, you will be ok.Keep moving up that mountain and each time you fall down, I and others will remind you of your strength to get back up again”,I am crying as I type just now. better out than in.so much hurt at times.

So I did call the sheriff officers and I told them everything. I thought about what I am in control of, what I don’t want for me and my kids and what we deserve and being disturbed by debt collectors and others for something we have not caused, is not right. So I will await my ex’s response whatever that may be but I won’t be afraid anymore. So today I called the sheriff officers and the debt company who also came to my house. I provided my ex’s address. he can deal with his mess. I also called the DVLA and told them he is using my address so they will now deal with his fines/no road tax/non payment of fuel at his address. It is not my problem and my recovery is hard enough without constantly being drawn back to what he is or isn’t doing. So there is strength there. I have used it today, but it is so awful making those calls. I did it though.

Then I see on social media that my ex is trying to sell his car – the one the sheriff officers can seize if they find it. CG’s are clever, always trying to be one step ahead. He wants a quick sale.I wonder why.Then he also posts selling some speakers and a tv box and again is looking for money and he will offer a good price. I believe he is skint and something feels uneasy. My instinct has been worth gold before so I will guess its not legal.Recovery? what recovery?

Then he contacts me and he has paid a payment to the CSA. Well he had no choice really as the csa are now set up to collect and pay from him and if he defaults on this, they will contact his employer and arrest his wages. He doesn’t want anything affecting his work now or his image but for 6 months my daughter has not received any maintenance from her dad.That’s a shame but I made sure she was ok, infact more than ok because that’s what you do when you are a parent, you provide, nurture, care and protect your kids from any distress and harm – even if it’s their father that is causing it.
So now he has made a payment, he texts me today and asks “just so I know, am I going to get regular access to our daughter? hope everyone’s ok”. I don’t reply. I explained before that when he had stopped gambling, had better mental health, was back at his work and doing better within himself, not drinking, being a responsible person, taking responsibility and making efforts to put his kids first, then I would consider contact again. Plus my daughter, aged 7, is getting weekly support at school from the assistant head teacher as she is speaking about her daddy to them and tells me she doesn’t want to see him.
I won’t do what is best for my ex anymore and I do believe he is hurt and is missing our daughter but he had choices and supports and how he lives his life is his decision but if his behaviour has any impact on his kids, which his addiction has, then I will make the decision to put the interests of my kids first, regardless of what he says, does, or thinks about me. If he can’t or won’t accept that then I will prepare myself for what comes next.
So I don’t respond . No communication. Then I get a post that he has got a new car. That will get my attention and it did. I was hurt, angry but mostly suspicious. Where did he get the money for that? But I am still not replying. I don’t want to react anymore. what’s the point when all I would get is the victim story or maybe a lie or denial and I am tiring now of hearing this. Because I don’t need to. Moving forward has to be about taking the steps away from him and as difficult as it can be, I hear the comments on this forum asking “what about you Jenny T, what do you want, how are you looking after yourself?” and I now really understand that. No more hurt, no more. My children are happier, my son did well in his exams and made me proud, my girls are fun and caring and we are much closer now than ever. we look after one another.

Writing this post tonight has made me realise that my gut is probably right, my ex is up to something and that he will have to face up to the illegal activities that he has done but that is his life now and not mine. Not my kids life, my life, not even my wee dog needs to hear the lies anymore.

An old song came on the radio today by the pop group M People, I smiled as I sang the lyrics “I’m moving on up, I’m moving on out, moving on up, nothing can stop me”.
I didn’t realise how significant that song was until now and I started this post crying and now I am feeling better.

I don’t doubt there is more to come but to everyone here helping me, thankyou. I hope you all have a song that helps you too.

[jenny t]

Thank you both velvet and vera for answering my post.

I have had a few difficult days and dont know what to do. My 13 year old daughter was off school with tummy ache on Thursday (11 feb) and I got a call from her, very upset , at my work. (I am so glad I have understanding employers).
She said there were 2 men in suits banging on the door and then looking in the window. She was scared and was hiding behind the door. She said she didn’t know who they were so she took a photo of them on her phone and of the car they were driving (clever) but she was really shaken up, Then an hour later she said another man came to the door and was also chapping but she ignored this as she was on her own and didn’t know who it was.She also said the men were going round all the neighbours asking them questions.

My 2 neighbours called me and said they were being asked questions about my ex husband. one said they didn’t know him and the other said i asked him to leave in august.
I felt anger, embarrassment and shame but i also told them my ex is a cg. I guessed the men were debt collectors.
After reassuring my daughter, I came home. There were 2 letters. One from a debt agency and the other from sheriff officers. I broke down in tears and phoned my mum. I am a grown woman yet I was so upset again and his addiction still in our lives.

I did nothing else with the letters. One if for unpaid parking fines.

The next day I called the debt agency and said my ex was no longer living with me, that he is a cg and that i am trying to recover so don;t need any further distress. The woman said there was a lawyer looking to serve papers on my ex but she would advise them I had called. I did not give them my ex’s address.

Then I call the sheriff officers. I leave a message asking them to call me back. Again I am doing this whilst I am work.
I don’t know what to say? Do I tell them my ex’s address? or not? He needs to face up to the consequences of his actions but I am worried he will know I have told them where he stays so what will he do next? Use this against me and make sure I definitely get no consent to take our daughter away.

I can’t believe I am so blurred again in my thinking. I don’t want any more sheriff officers coming to my door. I have not done anything wrong. He has not registered his car at his new address so the dvla still have my address. That is why I know he stole petrol 5 weeks ago, has no road tax (why because he is working apparently) and also now has a parking fine., which has now got costs of sheriff officers added to it. Did he think that the debts were just going to go away, that he is invisible and the companies will just forget about the thousands and thousands owed to them (my last count of his debt was £60.000

I feel stressed again. I haven’t told his parents anything. I haven’t spoke to the sheriff officers yet as I really don’t know what to say. To tell the truth of where he is staying or not?If I dont, I am then covering for him, I don’t want that either.

I know he is still gambling. A few nights ago he liked virgin games online and this is a gambling site. He posted on social media that he liked this. He should not even be looking at sites/games if he is in recovery so I question if he is. He is also still being the victim and I have done well not to have texts/calls with him lately. Even though I have been tempted, I have called friends first.

My son also had been keeping a secret from me as he told me he has been throwing all his letters in the bin before I get home from work, He said he didn’t want me to be stressed. My poor son, keeping all that to himself. Another effect of his addiction affecting my family.
I reassure my son that he is not in the wrong but I would rather deal with the letters than ignoring them. So putting on ‘not known at this address’ would be better than them going in the bin and then more debt collectors turning up at my door.

I also find myself feeling like a fool again as I think about when I met my husband and the signs were there. I didn’t realise it but he has just been to the bookies with his pals and had a big win, when I went to his house it was quite bare with the minimum furniture and I remember he never had any food. Not even a bag of frozen chips (as I remember being a little drunk one night and asked if he would make me chips and cheese. I wouldn’t believe him when he said he had no food so I checked his fridge and true, it was empty) His excuse was he lived on take away. I believed him.

Then he had rent arrears and also lost his job. Told me he got paid off as there was not enough work. He got sacked for never being there. Oh I believed that lie too.

There was another time I gave him £50 for food . I was a single mum to 2 kids at this time so £50 was a lot. He gambled it. Another sign but I was naive. I didn’t realise.

His parents and him told me at a much later date that he was a cg but only when he stole 10 grand from me. He had tried GA 15 years ago and now it feels like nothing has really changed. Other than he maybe managed a few years as he met me, moved into my house, was a great caring guy and took on my 2 children who were only 3 and 4 at the time and I had no knowledge of him gambling. 6 years together and a daughter of our own and then boom, my world crashes when he steals off me and who knows if this was the first time. How could he have been absent from gambling for 6 years with no ga support? How did he manage this if he is a CG? oh I am asking questions again. Is it because he choose not to.?

Gambling or your wife and kids – he choose gambling.

Some days it is hard to get over that.

One of my friends sent me a quote. ” You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one”.
I can’t change the past, only what I do now.
I just have a feeling there are more worries to face.

I need to keep posting, I have lost a wee bit of me again and yes Vera, I do need to keep strong. It is just so hard when the reminders are still there. and the knocks are at MY door.

If he was thinking about us in any way and properly in recovery then he would be sorting out his mess, that is why I am almost 99% sure that he is still a gambling man. No CSA money, no responsibility, his parents supporting him with his wages whilst he keeps his cash in hand job, delivering chinese. and no remorse. He really has lost it all but will never realise it whilst the addiction and beast is still alive.
Thank you velvet for helping me understand that.

Perhaps you can provide your thoughts, and anyone elses too, on what I say next to the sheriff officers as I really do feel stuck.

Thank you.

Still emotional at times but getting there. And a more positive quote to finish on –
“I am a strong woman. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, nor let people mistreat me. i don’t respond to people who dictate to me or try to bring me down. If I fall I will rise up even stronger because I am a survivor and not a victim. I am in control of my life and there is nothing I can’t achieve”. I have to keep reminding myself that I can keep doing this. his addiction can’t affect us forever or continue to bring us down.

[jenny t]

Thank you all so much for helping me and No Vera, you are not upsetting me at all. I value your comments and a lot of what you say is right, and helpful.

I went back to see my counsellor today, just for a wee top up. She is so helpful as I learn to ignore more of the addiction. I always find myself asking questions though and I have no answers , such as Why won’t he just change now? He has been spiralling lower and lower since October 2014 and he has not stopped gambling – despite him saying he has. What does it take to motivate the cg to change his life as it must be awful having no food, or electricity, or making up the constant lies and the sore head that must give you. I ask myself questions about choice as he always tells me he is ill. Then why is there no ‘treatment’ then and other people can stop when they want to? And he has his parents helping him again to manage his wages, surely not.is this not enablement? He is a grown man and he says he can manage 100 pounds in his hands but not a 1000 pounds, why not if the temptation is to gamble with what ever you have, then why not blow it if you are not in control? But maybe you are in control because you have a choice what to spend your 100 pounds on.
I have lots of questions and just need to write some of these down.

I have remained strong and yes Vera keeping his number is my choice just now. It seems mad but I would rather know what he is doing, than not know, as he is unpredictable but I am having less and less communication with him as it is impossible to talk to him and have a conversation without him being the victim, or turning the conversation back to me and how I don’t help or understand his illness. It is still about him and when I show my strength, I get threats like he will take me to court for access to our daughter – so much interest when he cannot even pay for her.
It has always been my dream to move to australia and I am already saving, have some jobs emailed to me and I am determined not to dream my life – but to now live my dream. He has threatened to not give me consent for our daughter to go – another battle ahead but I will always put the interests of my children,the opportunities they could have, and a better quality of life -( ahead of a man who has stole, lied, cheated with the bookies, threatened, hurt and caused so much damage to my children), first.
He has shown little interest in our daughter, lied about being in recovery, is apparently back at work – he said his work are supportive of him because his manager suffered a mental breakdown too and also suffered from bulimia so she understands addiction. Who knows if that is true but he says as long as he pays back the 150 pounds a month for the car loan of 8000 pounds, then he wont get sacked.
As for the CSA, when i first contacted them in august last year, i told them I would never see any money as he is a CG. They advised they have procedures to go through and here I am 6 months later, with my ex still in control of when he will pay the csa. He will face an earnings deductions order soon which means he will get money taken straight off his wages but this can take a few months. I do not rely on any money now from him. I cant. He is not responsible yet he wants to play the loving father. Have some play dates with my daughter. Ah if only being a parent was that easy eh.Oh now I sound bitter but I just get soooo angry sometimes.

I get shocked too. Imagine how i felt when i received a letter to my address for 47 pounds worth of fuel that he had stolen from the local petrol station. and he tells me he is in recovery? letter was dated, petrol stolen, on 23 Dec 2015.
Not even a responsible person, let alone a responsible father. And he wants me to agree to him seeing our daughter. When he is in recovery – yes, when he has better mental health – yes, when he has stopped blaming and has stopped using criminal activity – yes and when I know he is of rational mind and not gambling or lying. and I think i could wait a long time for this and I just don;t know why he wont just grow up and stop believing that the next big win is around the corner because he is losing his daughter because of his actions, his behaviour and his choices – not because of anything I have or havent done and certainly not because our kids were at fault either. I wont use my daughter as a weapon against him as the only destructive weapon that has been in our lives has been his addiction . But I will safe guard myself and my kids from any future harm, despite the love that I still feel but also with the feelings of hate too. 2 very strong and powerful emotions but I cant change what I am not in control of, I have to keep using the courage I have and this forum and supports to keep me getting through this and I have to empty my thoughts with people who truly know what I am going through. Thats the bits I can do. Sometimes though I am still left asking why I never saw the signs earlier, why he choose gambling over us and what is the reason for all of this happening.?
All i do know is that break ups hurt but losing someone who doesnt respect and appreciate you is actually a gain, not a loss. Me and my children are worth so much more.

[jenny t]

I am so thankful for all the comments. I have struggled at times but also know I am getting stronger.It has been another rough ride with soooo much going on that I don;t know where to start.
First of all my fridge broke before xmas, followed by my hoover on boxing day and then my laptop – which is why I have not posted.Got it back today. Definitely jinxy jen.
I got through xmas day, unfortunately I was unwell with a 24 hour virus but my 15 year old son made me proud by making the full xmas dinner with all the trimmings, he is such a star, but I made all the effort I could,played 9 games (exhausting but fun) and shed no tears – until I was in my bed alone, where I cried myself to sleep. But so glad I did it and my ex husband did not contact me at all.
All quiet – no. text messages on hogmanay saying sorry for the awful year but heres hoping next year is better but its been bad for me. Still talking about himself. And I found hogmanay and new year more difficult than xmas but with all my supports, I survived. My ex though called me and asked me to take him back. He brought up good memories of the past,he was playing ‘our’songs to me and he was promising me the world. It was sooo emotional and difficult for me but I did not give in, I told him to get more help and when he was in recovery, then he could have contact again with his daughter (as I stopped this due to my little one.age 7, saying she did not want to meet her daddy again as she didnt feel comfortable) and also because whilst he is still gambling, and drinking, then there is no way my kids will be subjected to that.
My ex then told me he had attempted suicide just before xmas, swallowed 40 tablets and then lied about needing sectioned (which did not happen)He also told me he had been harbouring a criminal in his house, some guy that he met at an addictions meeting, knew little about but needed a bed . My ex let him stay and told me he had a warrant out for his arrest and the police were looking for him. so my husband helped him,and it was the guy who found him after he swallowed the tablets. I was shocked he would help hide a guy from the police and wondered what was in it for him. I found out the guy was giving my ex alcohol. He is not the man I married.
So even though he has told me he has attempted suicide, I still say No to him meeting his daughter and No to us getting back together.
So I have had nice, playing songs, telling me sorry, promises – when’s the nasty coming.
It doesn’t take long. I ask him on a wednesday about his motivation to change, the opportunities he has had to stop and all the life lines thrown to him, yet his reluctance or not being ready to take what supports are being offered. Instead he talks about our marriage, how I let him down, how I never took him back, how his kids have acted towards him – what? he blocked my daughter from contacting her because she challenged him about his lies, my son was at a&e because he got so angry and punched a wall and my 7 year old was tearful and clingy as she is just a kid so yes, it was us, turning against him. Oh dear he really is delusional.
I tell him I am not listening to him whilst he is in victim mode. proof he is not in recovery, i hang up the phone. 2 days later (a friday is becoming a prominent day now) he contacts me by text, whilst I am work and his texts are awful. Nasty, hurtful, slating what kind of wife I have been and I find myself at my desk in floods of tears. Im at work and crying. I dont respond. he texts more. I dont respond then I get a threat from him saying “tell our daughter that if she ever wants to know where her daddy is, then just look to the sky as he will be a star up in heaven”. I am now a wreck.Is he going to attempt suicide,is this manipulation again, why is he doing this – oh because I said no to him, what if he does hurt himself, I am at my work,Im an emotional mess.But I am not responding as that is what he wants so I get support from my colleagues, then manager, and I call the police. If he is suicidal then the police can respond and if hes not, then he will think twice about texting me threats of committing suicide as I wont respond, the police will. No more of this behaviour.
I have to go home from work as I am too upset and the police call to tell me that hes absolutely fine. in fact they say he is in high spirits and when he is challenged on the comments made about being a star in heaven, he says this is because he was missing his daughter, The police are not impressed. I am then text, and text and he even calls my children to tell them the police are looking for me. (the police had promised me a call back to report on how he was – my ex failed to tell my kids that so they thought something had happened and I was in trouble.I have never been in trouble with the police, in fact in my job, i work alongside them).
A few days later, I get a text to say hi, as if nothing had ever happened. mental. He is then offering to help me with child care and wanting to be my pal. I am gobsmacked. I don’t accept his help.
Now the next Friday and he is calling me at work again. I ignore the calls. I am not leaving my work again.I eventually give in that evening as hes now text and at first we are having a decent conversation. Not for long as quickly I am accused of not being a supportive wife, not standing by him when hes had a mental breakdown (eh addiction) and again all about what I have not done as he is on his own (why is that), he asks about getting back with me, now I am upset as he has been horrible then tries to make me feel guilty, I say NO. I tell him not to contact me again, I tell him I will give him monthly email updates about his daughter. He has no reason to contact me . I cry but the time I spend crying is getting less. I am stronger now and would rather use my energy for my kids,not to be affected by him.
Further texts, I ignore and texts on a sunday morning at 7 am, again its all about him and the victim he is. It is becoming a pattern of nice, sorry, nasty,hurt, guilt, pretend nothing has happened, nice again. No I am getting fed up with this.
So my strength is returning but I am still wary, whats next?
I also have contacted the csa again in between all this as guess what,he missed his payments and gave me an excuse.not good enough i tell him so tell the csa and not me,im nnot listening.
Imagine my horror when the csa call me today and once again, I am upset at work {but then its nearly friday }his pattern emerging.
the csa question me and I feel like a criminal as they want to know if my daughter has always stayed with me. Of course she has. I answer every question and I ask if by any chance the address they think she stays at is… and I give them my ex’s temp accommodation address. Yes thats what they have and also information from another government agency that my daughter is resident with my ex at times. My ex has attempted to obtain my daughters child benefit money and falsely stated that she stays with him. I am shocked and hurt that he has sank so low to try and get her child benefit money off her ;80 pounds per month. Not only do I get no child support, now we are telling more lies and I , as the mother, is being questioned. Again because of my profession and my honesty , luckily i am believed but need to produce evidence that my wee girl stays with me. so exhausting and I cried again. he must be so desperate to try and steal his 7 year olds child benefit money and hes told me hes in recovery, attending aa and ga meetings, seeing a pyschologist and returning to work. (oh his work have forgiven him for stealing 8 grand off them as he confessed to being a cg and has stated his poor mental health and break down of his marriage has caused this). Sorry my anger and resentment is starting to show a little.still no consequences for his behaviour.
So, my emotions have been tested again, new tactics have been tried and failed as I have stood up against them and I am not going through another year of all this stress. I dont think it is over and some days i still feel low but not like I used to. Addiction might beat him but it most certainly, wont beat me

[jenny t]

I wish I had more strength to keep backing off, and I dont think you are telling me how to recover, but you have been right in your knowledge of saying “it sounds like game playing to me, throwing me off and trying to blame others to take away his gambling actions, the lies and manipulation”.

So why does he not gamble 100 pounds but gambles 10000.? Can he not look after himself, trust himself? and why not talk to your supports when you have the urge to gamble? and when I mentioned rehab, he just made an excuse about not being able to do this because of his job and house. what job? surely he will get sacked? or not.

I sometimes wonder if I keep him going as I manage no contact for a while and then I give in. Do I make it easier for him?

I dont get it.

What I do get is the need to move on with my life. Its harder than I thought.

Lots of questions again.sorry

[jenny t]

I am still feeling down, then ok, then huge amounts of rage, then more tears.
I managed 12 days without any contact with my ex. He was texting me but I ignored him, He wanted to see the kids and he told me he had a day to start back at work, that he was doing better and attending meetings. He had some texts to my daughter and this was ok. Not fooling me though but my kids wanted to see him. So I let him take our daughter to the cinema and I made sure I wasn’t around to see him when he picked her up and dropped her off, That was better for me. I wanted to get stronger.
The cinema went well and I was pleased it was good contact.
how quickly things change….

It was my son’s birthday on 27th nov and my ex is again texting me. He also has texts to and from my son and that is ok. He is 15 now so he can make decisions for himself, as long as I know he is not getting hurt. My ex says he has a present for him and also tells me that he has received his compensation money. Here comes my anger. 18 thousand pounds. For crashing my car, which is still on my visa, and for a personal injury which didnt last the time he claimed it did.
Anyway, I struggle with the injustice of it all but try hard to move on from this news but it all gets too much and I cry again. My son also gets annoyed as he is aware that he has got compensation money and my son does something he has never done before and he punches the wall. A concrete wall. He is angry and sad and is crying so much and letting out all of the feelings he has kept to himself. I hug him and comfort him and I have to take him to a+e and he gets an xray, showing a fractured knuckle. Its such a difficult night. and its the night before his birthday.

To make matters worse, my ex turns up outside my house, just as my son has broke down and my ex has text me to say he hopes I dont mind but he has some money for me. All of this is going on and I have so much rage that I have never experienced before,like I am going to explode.
So, I go to the car and my ex gives me 1500. and then 100 for our daughters panto trips and a party outfit. He gets 18,000 and he gives me 1500. Should I be grateful? I lose it and I scream at him, I tell him his addiction has caused my son to punch a wall, to have an effect on me and my kids and I challenge his comments when he tells me he is ill. I go mental and I am now telling him that he has made destructive choices in his life and why are the medical profession not spending lots of money on addiction if it is a health problem, I tell him how I feel and I am sarcastic and horrible and not me at all. He just listens but gives a few useless comments and I tell him he is the master of manipulation and how dare he treat me and my kids in this way. I take the money and I slam his car door as I walk away, trying to then compose myself as I have to now go to the a+e dept.
When I get home, I cry into my pillow. How did it come to this?
I am upset on my sons birthday but my acting skills are amazing and I take my son out for the evening,just me and him. My son then asks if he can see my ex as he sees he thinks this may help, He has not had any contact since August. I agree and he meets him at Mcdonalds, along with our daughter. I dont go. I dont want to see him.
Its a positive visit and my son has many feelings as he says he is angry with him, loves him, misses him, a bit like what I go through. He invites him to watch his football match the next day and I think that my son is perhaps giving my ex an opportunity to be back in his life again.
Going well ? No, I drop my son off and tell him to ask my ex to return him to the house after the game. Imagine the disappointment when my son phones me to tell me he is walking home. I ask why and he says “He never turned up”.

I am raging again, my son is hurt again, he has let us down AGAIN. I tell my son I am now making the decisions and that I will attend all matches now,my ex wont ever get the opportunity to do that to my son again.

And its worse as my ex texts a day later trying to make out my son is to blame for not contacting him on the day of the football.My son never agreed to. he told him where he was playing, what time and my ex had agreed to go. I believe my son.

All is quiet for a week and then a text saying that he is not going to his work and will not be there the rest of the year. He tells me has gp appointments and isnt doing too great.
I have my suspicions of what is up .

when he got the 18 thousand he told me he was giving me 1500.he did. he was giving his parents 1500. i know he did as i asked them, he was giving his pal 1000 he owed him and he was giving 8000 to his work for the car loan they gave him. he never bought a car.he gambled. so he had a lot of the money accounted for mmmm. will he put his plans into place, is he in recovery?

Only yesterday I get a text asking if I have a petrol can. I ask why and he tells me his car has run out of petrol and it has been in someones drive in another part of our town. I worry about this as I know he needs his car to pick our daughter up and now he has got contact with her, no car means it will be more difficult to see her. So what do I stupidly do? I tell him I will get a petrol can and come for him so he can get his car back.

I am so upset as I write this. what am I doing? why am I helping him when I know its the worst thing ever? I am curious though as I smell a rat and how can u just run out of petrol and leave your car.Because he is skint thats why,
He has gambled all the compensation money and when I take him to get his car, it is parked around the corner from the drug dealers house. coincidence that.
Anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, and my heart breaking. I just don’t get it?
I put 5 pounds in the petrol can and I drop him off. He asks me for a loan of 20 pounds, he tells me he has no food or electricity or fags and he wont get paid for 2 weeks. I stay strong and give him nothing, I drive away and I am crying but I am angry at myself for even responding to him in the first place but at least I know, there has been no recovery.

He tells me he is sorry, he texts me saying he hates his life. I tell him to change it then. I keep saying the serenity prayer. I am so upset right now. when does the hurt stop?

He gambled all that money. more money to Mr Ladbrokes. that money could have changed my kids lifes. But its gone.
Where is his bottom line?
and will his work sack him? he says he is going to tell them he is a compulsive gambler but will he? why do I care because at least if he has a job I will get some money for our daughter as I have went through the CSA to collect this from his wages.

I want to move away. start my life over and learn from this horrible destructive addiction that has caused me so much heartache.
Please keep helping me to find the strength to do this.
I cant believe all of this has happened.
If only it was a nightmare and I could wake up tomorrow and he was there and this had never happened. If only ………….
A long post, I am sorry.

[jenny t]

thank you so much velvet. you are so helpful. you really understand what i am going through as it shows in your support. you help me to understand more too, the distorted mind, the lying being understood, the responses from one gc to another. It makes sense.

I am going to bed now, tired after a very hard day but i am taking your words with me and i am repeating them to myself.’I am stronger than his addiction’. I know I am.

Thank you.

[jenny t]

i didnt meet my ex. he contacted me at 1am by text on saturday morning looking for a conversation about the horrible and tragic events in paris. i didnt reply.
he then called me at 8 am and asked how I was. I replied I wasnt doing well and I was feeling anxious as his parents had asked to see my daughter and I agreed, despite their last abusive drunken contact with me, I decided not to use my daughter and be the better person by letting them take my daughter out for a few hours. I was still dreading it.

My ex couldnt understand why I was nervous and I explained that whilst he was in the hospital, I had some difficulty from his parents. His tone then changed and he started talking about himself, saying at least his parents got to see his daughter. I quickly reminded him that we were meant to be talking about me and not him, he was back in victim mode and even stated that “all he did was gamble” and his parents didnt want to know him. He then hangs up the phone.
I am upset and I need to call a friend for support.
A few hours later, he texts me again and acts like nothing has happened, asking me what time will I meet him to take our daughter out. I tell him this isnt happening.

The next day, today, I get more texts and he is asking for items from the house. He says he needs them and wants to come over. I say No and tell him I will only drop them off at his house, but that I am not staying or coming in. I am at the shops when he contact s me and texts to say he will meet me in the car park at the shops. Yes thats fine by me but No, he changes his mind again and tells me to forget it. I don’t get it. Is he playing games?
I get on with my day and I get another text, which was sent in error to me. It is from him to a friend at GA and he is telling his GA mate that he had a great day out with the kids, he spent 30 pound, he took them swimming. I am reading this thinking “No he didnt”. My kids were with me all day so why he is telling lies again?

I speak to a GA member that was his closest support and he tells me that my ex has distanced himself away from him. He thinks it is because he will know when he is lying. He tells me that he has stopped going to his base meeting, which is a very strong group and the GA member says this is because he will get challenged in this group and my ex is running away from this. He also thinks the ga member is telling me things about him and hes not, he has kept the confidentiality and i already know about the things he tells me as i have found out in the community. If you were in recovery, surely you wouldnt care what your wife knew, as long as you were making changes and getting the help you needed?

I really thought he was making things better for himself but now I am not sure what to believe anymore, Still minimizing his behaviour, remaining the victim, not wanting anyone to question him and then pretending he has been out with the kids when he has not, is not being in recovery?

Vera was right when she said games get played,to be wary when he got wrecked after seeing the kids the last time and I feel stupid as I had some hope that he was really doing well.
It makes you feel like a fool and the energy I waste wanting things to be better, when they are not, keeps me feeling sad.
I wish he would just grow up and whilst i know addiction must be horrendous, surely there needs to be a maturity that says, I have to stop now?
I have ordered a book called ‘loving an addict, loving yourself’. Maybe that will help.
More tears . More disappointment. More lies and manipulation. The thoughts I have right now, I cant even write.
I am stronger than the addiction. I remember velvet telling me this in one of my very first posts. I am trying to tell myself this velvet, i am just so low. My ex breaks my heart.

[jenny t]

Thank you vera, velvet and worried mama for your great comments.

I get strength in reading them and I totally admire your courage and support as a recovering gambler (I hope I dont offend you as I write this Vera as I dont mean to) who gives up your time to help someone like me. It is so helpful to get your advice, as you have lived through my ex husbands world, therefore, you have an understanding of the ‘game’, lies,manipulation and it is helpful for me to ask questions and you give your opinion which I value. It also helps me to understand the addiction more. Thank you.

Velvet, i would be more lost without your support and value of what my life and my kids life should be like and your genuine, caring, understanding of my situation.It helps to keep me strong when I feel so down.

I never ever think anyone on this site tells me how to recover and that is a blessing as I know friends would tell me what and what not to do.only because they care but its very hard knowing what is the ‘right’thing to do.
And when there are kids involved, it is so much harder.

So, how am I feeling let down? well I let him see my daughter for a short time last week and it was a good visit. He asked if he could take her swimming this weekend and I said I wasn’t sure, it would probably be ok but only with me there. I wont let her go with him alone.
He contacts me wednesday and I ask to meet him. I want to try and find out if he really is in recovery, is he going to let me and my kids down, is he being mr nice guy because christmas is coming up, or is he really wanting to change.

I dont even know if meeting him alone would be helpful but as our last one hour vist with our daughter was positive, I think maybe this is a way forward and I can also ask all those questions that I need him to answer. We can also talk about contact, whats good/whats not, xmas, and maybe make a plan. He also seems more interested in us but I am wary at the same time. Manipulation is powerful.

So, he phones me and I tell him I would like to meet with him.I do this on the tuesday so we can meet on the wednesday. He calls me on the wednesday and tells me that he cant meet as he is going to another meeting. He had been to a meeting Monday and Tuesday and now he was going to another. I am thinking, surely talking to me is more important than a meeting as he can go to these during the day, whilst he is still off work, as well as at night, but no, I am second best to the gambling again. He says he can phone me after the meeting but that would be late so I tell him No. It may be convenient for him, but its not for me.Plus my mind would be all over the place and I wouldnt get a good sleep.
He offers me no other time to meet. Why not? perhaps i am being harsh because he could well be doing as many meetings just now to recover but it still feels like it is all about him, Not me. Would you not be doing everything you could, if you had caused someone so much pain and hurt, to help that person understand, to listen as they asked questions, to make plans for seeing your daughter? If i hurt someone, i know i would do everything I could to make it up to them and say sorry and mean it. yet No, not for my ex cg, as he has to go to another meeting.

He then texts me telling me, “you are not alone.I am here to help you with anything.you just need to ask. if i can take our daughter swimming on Sunday, we can then have a coffee and talk then”. His terms of when we do things, eh I dont think so.

I cried so much after talking to him and my kids saw me upset again. what am I doing? I dont even know what to do about sunday . Its easier to be stronger when i dont see him but how does he see his daughter without me facilitating it? oh this is just a mess. I still love him but I cant allow myself to feel any more vulnerable than I already do. to be swayed by mr nice guy.Because I dont really know what he is up to.

So, i am feeling let down and still confused. I do think you are right vera about him showing his best side. all of a sudden, he wants to give me money for my daughter and now show an interest and i am not sure what thats about. Genuine or not? He also did get wrecked after contact with us and again, would you not be doing all these AA andGA meetings to help change that behaviour? He also isnt keen on me knowing things about him as he believes someone in his meeting is telling me things, I can assure you that they are not. I just find out things as the area we live in is not huge. So if he is still paranoid, surely that isnt good because if you werent doing anything, then you wouldnt have anything to hide?

I guess I need to remind myself of what and who’s important and I seem to be getting tangled up again in what’s better for my ex, instead of what is better for me. If I am not ready to see him with my daughter then I dont have to, after all, his behaviour caused him to have no contact and there needs to be more than “I have not had a bet or gambled for 5 weeks” for things to improve.

I know i am talking lots tonight and I know other people will probably have felt like me before so what are you meant to do? ignore him, meet him, dont meet him, ?

I even felt myself telling a complete stranger at the check out in morrisons that i was now a single parent because of my selfish husband ‘s gambling and I dont ever do that. I was shocked when she said, my husband attends GA too, he lost us our home but I am still with him. I couldnt believe it. Talk about telling someone your problems who has experience of what your going through. the difference though, she stayed. I didnt.

I need to get to the top of my mountain. im finding it difficult to move up because I am still allowing my ex to keep me down.
I hate his addiction . I really do. And im dreading xmas.
what a mess.

[jenny t]

Thank you worried mama, vera and velvet for your comments.they were so helpful.

I took your advice vera and I have got a union rep helping me with my work. My manager has been supportive of me, her manager is more formal and is following the work place procedure. Unfortunately the procedure is one rule fits all and I think that is so unfair but I now have excellent support from the union and they are hopeful that I won’t receive any formal warning.

My mum got out of hospital but became unwell again. So I contacted her gp and spoke to him about my concerns. I also have my mum’s neighbour contacting me on a regular basis as he goes into see my parents every day and he is letting me know how they are doing. That has been a fantastic help. My mum’s gp has also been good and he prescribed my mum more anti biotics and will also refer her for further tests as she continues to need antibiotics to stop the infections. the worry is her body will become immune to them. But I feel better after speaking to her GP and setting up supports from her neighbour. Unfortunately my parents are not entitled to any additional supports from services/home care as they have savings in their bank and would need to pay for this. They dont have a lot of money but some and I guess this would cause them more stress if they felt they had to ask and pay for help. Very independent people so visits from me and neighbours, along with the gp, its a plan.

My daughter has also been able to talk to me more but she also sent some texts to her step dad (CG). He responded but this time he was more supportive of her. She then asked me if she could meet him. I wasnt sure what to do.

He then got in touch with me and asked if he could give me some halloween bags for all the kids, saying he knew it wasnt much, but it was for their halloween. So I spoke to my daughter and agree to meet him with my girls (my son doesnt want to see him) but only at Mcdonalds and only for 30 minutes. It is a good visit. He acts well and the girls are pleased to see him but I do not make any other plans as I am trying to get strong again.

He then contacts me a few days later and tells me once again that he is sorry and that he is in recovery now. He also thanks me for letting him see the children. He tells me again he is attending an addictions group.

A few days later I find out that the day I let him see the children, is the night he goes and gets wrecked. What happened to the recovery? a relapse but now with the drink and not gambling. Or has he been drinking all along and just telling me lies. Only he knows the truth.

I get angry and I contact him by text to tell him I know he has been drunk. He doesnt deny it. wow thats a first in a long time. He admits it and says it was a mistake. He tells me why he done it and says he is really trying to stop doing it all, that he has lost everything and he doesnt want the bets, or the drink but to be “well” again. I dont know what to believe. What does it matter, well it does for his relationship with his kids. I said before, i think, that addiction is hard, now it feels confusing.

Confusing that you can take a bet, then stop, then start, then drink, then stop that for a few weeks, then drink….That you can have money in your hands and not spend it but then have all your wages and blow it in one go. that you are paranoid, lie, hurt, steal, make threats and turn into a monster and then flip to being caring, apologetic, looking ashamed, sad and my thoughts are “Is it still just a manipulative act?”. Now he has me paranoid and confused, with questions I can’t answer.

In my gut, I do think he has not placed a bet in the last 5 weeks and whilst that is good, it is only 5 weeks. He has told me that he is possibly looking to receive 13 thousand pounds compensation money for his car accident. I get angry and sad because that money could have changed our lives.and that will be a test of responsibility and temptation for him with all that money, where will it go? He said he will pay back the 8 thousand pounds to his work that he got for a car loan, so he will still keep his job and no charges will be pressed against him. When he last spoke about the car loan, he told me he owed 6 thousand. Have the lies already started or has he forgot he told me that? He said he owes his parents money, which he does and he said he will give me some money for the kids christmas. Will he though?

I wont rely on it, and velvet you were so right when you advised me not to rely on him for anything, even the emotional support as that was causing me more stress, just being let down by him. So why, when he is being nice again do I forget some of the bad stuff he has just done?

My wee girl also asked if she could see her dad, after meeting him at Mcdonalds, so I let her see him for one hour and I was with her. After all, he has been saying he has been unwell and my kids are my world so there is no way he would get to see her on his own .But seeing him makes it hard again.

Just when you think the tears stop, they start all over again.
It’s like he died, but then I have to see him again. That I never knew who he was for all those months, a monster, acting in a way that I never knew to now acting like the man I met. But is it really him cause we all know how clever addicts are.

I have to see him again with my daughter and if he is super nice and in recovery then seeing him is hard. Oh I hope I am making sense. It is easier when he is being horrible. That sounds mad . I just feel low.
I thought I would talk to you all as I know you understand. I choose not to support the cg when he stole from me again. I could’ve stood by him but I didnt. I wish I didn’t love him, I wish he wasn’t an addict. I don’t know if he will ever change, will he stop then start, then stop.what kind of life is that?not just for him but for all of us too.

Where has that strong, I deserve better jenny t went.and why even let him into my thoughts in this way.So hard, so confusing, so destructive and addiction is so wrong.

I need to remember to keep making it right.

[jenny t]

thank you vera, worried mama and velvet for your recent posts. They are much appreciated.

I couldn’t write my life right now if I tried. I got myself back to work and had been there one week , which I found tiring as my kids were finding it difficult to adjust and in 5 days I had 3 telephone calls from them, all fighting and not getting on and I found it difficult to cope with as I realise more and more, just how much a single parent I am and how more responsible I need to be. So a family conference and a few house rules and a hope that my work won’t be affected.

Then I get a huge worry (I go back to work Monday, kids finding it difficult, then on Friday evening I get a call to say my mum (age 73) has been rushed to hospital). More bad news as my dad is also unwell and my family didnt want to tell me as I have been stressed.
My dad’s hands had swollen and he couldn’t drive my mum to the hospital. I live 90 minutes away. I am in tears as I am very close to my parents and I cry a lot of tears.
I take my kids (leaving my son at home to care for my dog and cat) and I drive to my the hospital. My mum is really poorly with a bowel infection, urine infection, temperature high and also e coli. I stay with my dad , who wont go to a+e as hes worried about my mum. I am stressed. but trying to be there for my parents.
Im trying to be my family’s support but am struggling and my ex husband knows whats happening as kids post everything on facebook, so he contacts me. I can’t trust him. is this because I am vulnerable? he is now being nice.mmm.

He tells me he has fallen out with his parents and he won’t be having any contact with them ever again. he said his mum accused him of using her email but he did not. mmmm. Is my ex husband called pinochio.

He then tells me he has no money and little food. Despite how fragile i feel, i stay strong. I have my mind chattering and wonder is he genuinely concerned about me, my parents, is he just skint, a way in when I am low? Addiction is hard.
He tells me he is here to help. Help? what can he possibly help me with? His kids don’t want to know him, he hasnt gave me any money for my daughter for 3 months, I can’t trust him and he saying he can help me. Any time I have attempted to talk to him before, he hasn’t listened. It has always been about him, how unwell he is, how he needs to now attend an addictions group, not just GA but AA, CA.
And I am supposed to be happy for him that he is telling me he is in recovery when I have had a challenging week at my work with the kids phoning me, my mum really ill, my dad unwell too and my stress levels high as I try to tell myself, “it will be ok jenny t”.

I then get the poor him texts again and he’s not my priority. he also says lots of sorry. he tells me he hasnt had a bet for 4 weeks. and? does he want a medal ? am i meant to say well done. I am all over the place.

So I am back at work on the Mon (my mum goes to hosp on the fri, im with her sat, sun and drive back sun night). I am now asking my work for emergency leave and I am feeling guilty but my mum and dad are unwell.my work give me 2 days off. I find myself exhausted and tearful and even text my now Mr Nice guy ex as for a split second, i do think he can give me support, Oh How wrong was I. he is still the victim. I cry so much on the sunday night as I am sooo worried about my parents and my ex truly has let me down.He is still coming first in his texts. when does the crying stop?

so back and forward to hospital tues,wed and my dad at the gp and diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. 8 steroids a day and a possible operation needed.
on the wed night my 13 year old daughter provokes an argument with me. she’s been angry with her step dad (my ex)and hurt too but I am the person who gets her rage. She then does something she has never done before, and she runs away. I am now at breaking point.
She leaves at 10.30 pm and I am frantic with worry. my friend comes to support me and my 14 year old son goes to look for her. she is eventually located at midnight but I let her stay the night with her friend to calm down.
I am due back at work on the thursday so I go to collect her at 8am. She is still angry as she is a teenager and when she was in a fit of rage, I took her mobile phone. I have boundaries and whilst I understand the hurt and anger my daughter has, she still needs consequences for her actions. However, I am having to call my work again as my daughter is now threatening to hurt her brother and I just feel that my wee family is falling apart. I also havent slept. How can I go to work? My mum is also still in hospital.

My ex hears about my drama and now wants to be the hero coming to the rescue as he contacts my daughter and he is trying to be her step dad. My daughter is angry with him, takes it out on me and her brother, and now he is contacting her again, not what I need. I am having to tell him once again, to not get involved. after all, hes not been bothered to parent her whilst he has been gambling, drinking and taking a bit of cocaine in the past year. What is he thinking?

Finally, I get back to work (very tearful and tired but my acting skills are good). I also have no choice but to be there as I cannot afford to go on to half pay.
At my work I am advised that due to my abscence, I need to have a meeting with management and procedures state that I could be facing a disciplinary. I just cant take anymore. In the 5 years of doing my job, I have not had any significant sickness. I go to work and was brought up with the values, that you need to be at deaths door to phone in sick. I now have to involve my union.

I thought I was climbing my mountain but in the last 2 weeks i have had a huge worry over my parent’s health, my daughter running away and now being angry (to which I know I can guide and support her with but when you already feel fragile, it is so difficult), my kids having to adjust to me being back at work, my work causing me more stress and my ex just being Mr nice and I don’t know why.

I think I am depressed.
And that is not me as I like to think of myself as being one of the strongest women around who can cope with what life throws but this is now all feeling too much. I hate my ex for choosing an addiction and leaving me on my own to deal with all this and now he thinks because he has perhaps decided to properly recover, that he can just reappear and a wee sorry will fix it all.

If only life were that simple.

there has to be a break on its way. and I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just cant believe since i discovered my ex stealing from me in April, how hard life would be.
I try so hard to stay positive and be grateful for what I have got. There are worse people off than me but I am just so low again. Too much stress and I have to keep going for my children. I just don’t know what to do with the biggest child and that is my ex.?

[jenny t]

Been feeling low today. My ex text me again as I did not reply to his message about wanting his phone back. He text saying “I knew you wouldnt give me my phone back but now I want you to provide your bank details so I can give you the money needed for our daughter”.

He wants something from me.I dont respond. I put him out our home in August and he gave me no money for our daughter that month, or the next month and the child support agency told me they would be pursuing money from him on 1st Nov and if he failed to pay, they would go through his employer, Now all of a sudden he wants to give me money mmmmm.

I then get another text the following day saying “I am going to tell the CSA that you are with holding your bank details” Really, seriously, he is going to ‘tell on me’. I am ignoring the texts as its a few weeks away until the 1st Nov and if he really wants information about my bank details, then all he has to do is contact the CSA and they will get in touch with me. I continue to ignore him , I think I am doing well.

I am then on social media as my friend is on holiday and has asked me to see her photos. I then see a post from my ex husband saying he is at an airport in London going on holiday. I dont respond to any his posts either. The next day he has posted that he is in Barbados getting a sun tun. Now I am getting angry as I ask myself, where has he got the money? and he is off sick from his work yet seems to be doing ok. I wonder if his compensation money has came through. However, I still ignore him.

The next day I get another text and now I am suspicious that he is telling lies on social media that he is on holiday, when he is not. Why would he do that? That is just mad. Pretending you are at an airport, then pretending to be on holiday, yet things are not adding up as he is texting me, despite there being a 8 hour time distance and he must have a lot of credit on his phone to use it abroad. mmm. I even find myself going to a B+B that I think he is in, driving round the car park to see if his car is there. Oh why am I even doing this and why should I even care. Guess I am just trying to find out if he is still telling lies. Big serious ones at that.
No car and I tell myself, and remind myself, use your energy for much better things.

The next day, another text saying “I dont want to fight but please can you send me your bank details”I want to give our daughter money. Why because you have a sudden change of heart, because you are in recovery (but i think you are still lying) because the csa will call your work?
I am still not responding. I have got myself back to work yesterday and I was on top of the world. I was so happy to be back and of what I had achieved to get myself there and I did not want anything, well him, spoiling this.

So a happy day but then followed by a low one today as another text saying please can i have the details. I thought “if I dont respond then these texts will continue”. So I send the details required and he gives me an email of the standing order that he has set up with the bank. wow, he did that here in scotland,not from Barbados. My instinct was right.
I then receive a letter from one of his loan companies saying they are now going to send debt collectors to my home to recuperate their money or court action will be taken. I call the loan company and say he doesnt live here but I can provide his parents address and advise their letters are upsetting me (I was doing so well). The loan company say that without my ex husbands consent, letters cant be forwarded to his parents and could I contact my ex to get his permission for this. Em a big fat No. I come off the phone thinking his mess is still affecting me. I then have to get ready for work.

I have then ran around all day, straight in from work, kids tea, brownies, pet shop for ill cat, supermarket for bread and milk , walk the dog, back to brownies, bath, supper,kids bed and oh my tea eventually at 8.45 pm (sorry to tell you my boring day) but I get irritated that my ex has left me with this, that his addiction and selfish behaviour has left me to deal with this on my own, yet I then cry because I still love him and I miss him (the husband I had before the gambling addiction took him away). It really is mental how many emotions you can feel in a day . Guess I am just having a hard one.
Like velvet said, there are more ups and downs to experience and nobody said it would be easy to move on. I even found myself saying today that I could just take him back and support him and then it would be all ok.
I know it wouldnt be. This is the guy who threatened me last week, who has hurt and devastated my kids, who has made me feel like I cant get out of bed because the hurt is too big and I have belief that I deserve and my kids deserve so much better, Its just hard when , despite it all, you want the nightmare to be over, to wake up and someone to tell you that all this never happened, that it was all just a dream. Unfortunately though, this is reality.
Dont know where my positive thoughts have went today. I know i will get through this. I hope there is no need now for him to contact me. I have to keep moving on.
A quote from Marilyn Monroe ““Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together”
― Marilyn Monroe
I hope so.

[Author]

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