[jen3]

Thanks IDI, I already have help in place (smart recovery, cr and a Counslor which I got complacent and missed a few meetings BIG sign of about to relapse). They all suggest the same thing “get rid of access to money. I agree. It’s easy for me to go days, weeks, and occasionally months without gambling BUT “when the wolf comes calling” as you say I need to protect myself. I am several months ahead on paying bills (most of them) and even have some money saved that “my other half” holds on to and I never ask for it back. (It should be a heck of a lot more) I need someone to control my money or some option. Many here including yourself have great ideas BUT none of them seem to work in the states. They all say Barriers, Barriers and I lack the most important one. If I had no money it would be pretty hard to keep relapsing. For example I went out of town last week for work and made sure to pay extra money towards my car and only have enough for gas, food etc. because I knew there was a near by casino and If I did not do that I would of relapsed no doubt. Well than I come home and get paid a day later take money out give to “the other 1/2” and the next thing I know I postpone handing over all the money only to have cash to go fall on my face. In any case I can do well with the money part for 2, 3 paychecks and than it all goes to hell. Might as well save time and burn it.

[jen3]

You are doing Great IDI!! I called the bank to see if they can make my debit card so it can only be used for purchases or lower my daily withdraw limit. No such luck. ugggh! I have to figure something out or the same cycle will just repeat itself. I hate that I can not find a solution to having no extra money. I pray for guidance. There has to be a way of trying to do the right thing.

[jen3]

So Happy and envious of your g free time. Keep doing what’s working. Unfortunately I have started with yet another day one.

[jen3]

Tell me about it. Gone are the days when we can bring only so much money and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  (No pun Intended)  I USED to have so much disapline. Never played with money I did not have, never drank and gambled unless I was on vacation.  I was able to walk away up and or down and not dwell on it.  Not anymore.  I like you have banned myself Several times 5 (I think)  They only last for a year here and like an idiot I write a letter to get back in every year and than end up doing the same thing all over again. Keep going back till I can not take it anymore and than ban myself All over again. I always manage to stay away for awhile but than I end up going out of town making up for the gambling free time in a 2-3 day binge. (Boat loads of money) Than Iam able to stop that for a period of time and eventually find myself sneaking in to the local casino I am banned from (playing crap I hate because I have to hide out from certain areas where most people know me or I can not risk winning a jackpot)    I agree they should scan ids when entering a casino. The One 15 minutes from my house has grown so large (thanks to people like us) It’s pretty easy to sneak in And not get caught.  It should be a law world wide that ”those places” have to scan ids to make sure you are not banned, also anyone who bans themselves as many times as I have should be banned for life. Come on the Casino should know we have a serious problem. I would play at the tables for sometimes 36 hours only taking bathroom breaks.  I can only imagine what a dealer coming back for there next shift would think When they would see me sitting their wearing the same clothes And God forbid I leave to eat. Thetc bank on people such as ourselves, but as you know we are creative so no matter what they do it’s up to us to try the best we can not to support them.  As I write this I think “My God how much more of this can I take??”  My histoty makes me doubt myself.  The only thing I can think of what I did this last time around worked but it did not work enough so I have to do something different. If nothing changes than nothing changes.  A part of me wants to chase 1/2 the 2500.00 back BUT the other half knows the money is JUST gone and even if I got All of it back  I would eventually loose that and than some.  One way or the other I have to starve the monster. Sorry for the long post. 

[jen3]

Thanks Murr both for your words and the video. It’s just so nuts how we can be bound and determined to turn our lives around one minute and than our “hijacked brains” let us forget all the aftermath of our past gambling binges and crave the hell again. I am so glad you did not gamble. If we can just get some time behind us I believe it will get easier. God I hope so! I always have to stick my damm toe in the water. Sucks me in every time. Bought a lotto ticket, not my thing, won 50.00. Did not think anything of it. A day later I stick money in a machine at a bar, again not my thing. Won 150.00 and able to walk away. Well all these “not my things” put me right into motion. Next thing you know I am in a casino. Managed to get most my money back and leave. (Down around 200.00) Well you know how that goes… Head back the next day and the next. The 200.00 cost me ~2500.00, two half ass days of work, I am left with feeling like shit, racing thoughts, the works. I have been reading so much about this… Why in the heck after years and years of the same old story would we ever want anything to do with gambling????? We have to get our brains back and every-time we convince ourselves to gamble we are destroying what’s left of our “normal” mindset. We can do this Murr. Just keep taking the time to read, journal, etc or do what ever you have to do. Heck I will be 48 years in A few days. How much more of my life do I want to throw away?? I am afraid of failure and I am embarrassed to be back with my tail between my legs s BUT I refuse to give up just yet.

[jen3]

Thanks Liz and IDI! I feel like staying down BUT I am not going to , I am getting back up. What scares me Liz is “ that something clicked “ several times for me yet I keep ended up in the same place. I am afraid! Afraid I will never change. I fed the monster now I deal with the racing thoughts of getting my money back. At this moment no plans to do so as I left when I still had money but I should of never put myself in the position. I should not of had access to money. Still no clue how to do that. I can cut up bank card but so easy to walk in to bank and get a new one that same day. I wonder if I can have a direct deposit made from my account to “my other 1/2” on pay days. I will call bank today and find out. I know some might be thinking I should just have it go into his bank but e tried that years ago and it did not work. I imagine many of you think I am a lost cause. Can’t blame you. More barriers…. IDI I am banned from casino. I snuck in. My year is up but I am still technically banned. I hate that I toyed with this evil yet again. It s crazy how it all started. This should be so simple…. Yet it’s so damm hard. I do not want to live this way anymore. God give me strength.

[jen3]

F ME! Yup! Yet another day one starts tomorrow. I will never get it through my flipping head that gambling is a complete waste of time. I hate that I fed the monster. I have no clue how to stop the train wreck.

[jen3]

Thanks for sharing IDI.

[jen3]

Hi IDI! I have been thinking of you. I am wondering how the residential program worked?? Did it help?? Just curious and hope all is going well in your world.

[jen3]

Hi Murr! Thanks for checking in on me. I am doing ok. Super tired as I was working out of town the past few days and it was go go go. Plus my phone service sucked where I was working so was not able to get on internet unless I was in the room. What I will say is This addiction Sucks!!! I know for a fact I would of relapsed if I would of had more access to money. It is so hideous how we can be bound and determined to live gamble free one minute, day, week, month and than something in our brain switches and thinks it’s ok. (For me Anyways) Either way I am home and no time to gamble the next couple days so that’s a good thing. I get paid tomorrow and that money is going out just as fast as it comes in for when and if the desire strikes again. I will try and catch up on everyone’s thread over the weekend.

[jen3]

Day 37 “The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding that you’re not going to stay where your at.” John Pierpont

If nothing changes, than nothing changes.

[jen3]

You got this Berta! I get so much from your posts. Keep fighting the good fight.

[jen3]

Day 36…
Trust in me with all your heart and I will make your paths straight. Isaiah 26:4

[jen3]

I am so very proud of you! You have not idea how much you are helping me. You are always in my prayers. I pray for your continued recovery. I ask God to bless you for a job well done. Life is never easy but so much better without the added chaos of gambling. I look forward to experiencing what a gf life has to offer. Keep up the good work my friend.

[jen3]

End of day 35…. The family friend who was in hospice finally went to be with the Lord yesterday. She will be missed but I am grateful that I had the chance to know her and I am comforted knowing she is in a better place. I remember a little over a year ago breaking down and telling her “my story” She listened without judgement. In some ways she could relate. Anyways I prayed today and asked God to tell her to watch over me. She knows I need all the help I can get. 🙂 I am heading out of town for work for a couple days this week. There will be a casino near by…. Last Thursday when I realized this ,, I immediately had thoughts of going when I am their. My thoughts were all over the place. “I can do this” I am not going to do that” “I will only bring so much money” UGGGH!! Than I got to thinking….. What good could possibly come of it?? I mean really??? Let’s see 1. I could win but than what??? 2. I could break even ,but that would be a waste of time. 3. The chase is on and back to square one. None of these sound good to me, not even the thought of winning because I know what it eventually leads to. I am over it and I have absolutely no plans to go BUT I made sure I will have no extra money Incase the crazy idea crosses my mind again. I have read most if not all of the threads here. I am grateful for all of you, wether you stoped gambling for days, months or years, you each have so much to offer. Thanks for the support! Here’s to another gamble free week!

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