[jen3]

Best wishes Kin! Why not today for a better tomorrow?? (Meaning why wait until tomorrow?)

[jen3]

I do not go to GA. I did years ago but it was not for me everyone is different. I did go to Celebrate Recovery which is like GA but it’s a Christ centered recovery program for all hurts, habits and hang ups. I stoped going but I am going back tomorrow. There is also smart recovery also again for all different addictions. (My cunslor rcomended said her patients love it but I never tried) I am going to that tomorrow but also have a site online. Similar to this one. I just registered. You should check it out. When I think back Thursday was when I normally see my Counslor and she was gone for the week. Just so happens I gambled that day. Ugggh. Not her fault but it proves I can not do this on my own and have to be active in my recovery. This site alone is not enough that’s for sure. I liked it better when they had open chat.. (not just for an hour here and there). I want to gamble so bad today. I am not going to because what good will come of it??? If I win and walk away it will just encourage me to do it again. If I loose,,,, same thing and I will just beat myself up tomorrow. I have to go pick up some money from the bar but I am grabbing it walking out the door and going straight to the bank my car loan is through and giving it to them. There is nothing owed but at least it’s the money will go towards something and I can not get it back. I really wish I lost it somewhere else besides a stupid bar that happens to be near my house and the bartenders are assholes anyways…. would I felt better if I lost it somewhere where I like the bartenders…. None of this matters and I have to figure out away to just let it go and pick up and carry on. I am scared to death cause like you said each time gets worse. Not nessacarly the amount of money but the psychological damage. Ugggh this sucks!!! Remember IDI. Our God is way bigger than all of this we just have to figure out a way to let go and let God.

[jen3]

Vera! Glad your going back to GA. We have to do whatever works for us. Obviously I have yet to figure that out. I know I should not have any access to extra money. I have no credit cards. I always say I am going to cut up tyme card but never do. Although it’s so easy to replace here unless the bank is closed. I have given my other 1/2 a lot of money over the past several months which I will not ask for. I told him not to give to me no matter what bull I come up with. It’s an emergency fund and if I ever need to pay a bill it is to be paid by him. (And not to any loans etc. which thankfully I do not have) in reality I know I should have zero acess BUT as easy as it sounds it’s just as complicated. What really needs to happen is I need a shock collar around my neck…. sorry to rattle here. I just wanted to stop by and wish us a Happy GF New Year!! You did it before. You can do it again. I just hope to do the same.

[jen3]

IDI… we can and will get past this blip. I am ok , just scared because the same cycle keeps repeating itself. I am also sad for you, but I know this will pass. We just have to figure out away to prevent putting ourselves through this again. Sounds like you, Vera and I have the same day one being today?? Maybe we can check in with each other daily and motivate each other ?? Who knows… I always have a plan after the fact but never enough barriers and always seem to get complacement. We have been putting ourselves through this crap way too long!

[jen3]

Браво на Мър! Прецаках се само след 40 дни. Нищо особено, но можех да се ритна в това. продължавай все така!

[jen3]

Ga zo door Murr! Ik verknalde het na net na 40 dagen. Niets belangrijks, maar ik kan mezelf wel een schop onder mijn kont geven. ga door met doorgaan!

[jen3]

Way to go Murr! I screwed up after just after 40 days. Nothing major but I could kick myself in the a.s.. keep on keeping on!

[jen3]

IDI —I will try and be in group. It will get better. It always does. Let’s try our best not make it worse… the hard part will be, once it is better keeping it that way.

[jen3]

IDI!! I am sorry. I had a feeling because you were quite BUT I was hoping that was because you were busy. We had a good stretch in there. Let’s just try and dust ourselves off, get back up and maybe try something a little different. Not sure what that might be BUT we are fighters (no doubt 🙂 ) We can do this.

[jen3]

I thought I hit my bottom countless times and always managed to get back up. Maybe that’s my problem. This relapse was not a messy as the others. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that weather it’s my “game of choice” or another path ( playing things I normally do not) the results will be the same. I have to figure out a way to have no access to money and I doubt that will happen.. I have been giving my other half quite a bit over the last several months and he is not to give it back under no circumstances. Even with that in place I still control my money and it’s too difficult to let him control all of it… long story. Again this time was not as messy all my bills are paid and I still have money however if I think about the last several relapses they would not have happened or at least not as much money would of been lost if I did not have money…. I will figure something out.

[jen3]

Happy New Year Monica!! Today is officially another day 1. I feel ok. Things could be much worse…. I do feel a little stupid for falling into the same cycle, “sticking my toe in the water” buying scratch offs, loosing than telling myself “as soon as I get my money back I will quit” than wasting time chasing my money only to win that and than some just to end up worse off. I tell myself “no more” than I tell myself “just go play cards and get your money back (of course I want 1800.00 not my original 1200- 1300 that I lost. (Not sure of the exact amount) Than I think to myself “oh please you dumb a..s. you will never get it back and if you do than what??” I would tell any other compulsive gambler “just stop!” I have to somehow just let it go and pick up where I left off before the relapse and carry on. I know I have to do something different so this does not keep happening. I just do not know what…. I need my brain re-wired. I have to learn to hate gambling. It’s obviously my poison so why can’t I avoid it at all costs. Why can’t I put the energy into my recovery. Even as I write this post I think “ who am I kidding I will never be able to live a gf life” my head…get your money back, let it go, get your money back, let it go, get your money back let it go” When in reality I should think “suffer more, don’t suffer anymore, suffer more, don’t suffer anymore”. One last thing…. I am totally embarrassed that I dumped so much in one dumb ass bar machine. I have not played those stupid things in years. I had to look like a complete idiot feeding one all day and night. (That was Friday , yesterday I went to collect some of my money and only played a little back and finally got the sense to give up) Of course I think I should of went to a casino and played cards better odds…. it does not matter what the odds are they are ALWAYS stacked against a compulsive gambler….. so dang tired. I just want to be normal.

[jen3]

Nice to meet you Faye! I hope you find the help you need. I will pray for you. To the rest of you I totally screwed up!!!! Here we go again tomorrow being day one…. I am so flipping stupid.. seriously it’s so easy choose to be missrable or choose to be happy. Why do I let this flipping addiction control me. Why do I let Satan win over and over and over again. Here goes……. I said scratch offs were not my trouble. I can buy a few. What harm can that do??? I bought some won, lost, won, lost more. I was out about 70.00 (which is nothing to a nut case like me) . So than o thought i will stop this crap. The odds are horrible”. I decide to go to the bar and win it back and than quit.. went to bar….. won 275.00 on a machine, managed to get off. Put 2.00 in a pull tab machine won 500.00. Done, done, done ….. so I thought. All I did is feed the monster… it will never die until I stop feeding it (even crumbs keep it alive) Stoped at another bar won a few more hundred than being the compulsive idiot I am I lost 400 back. I managed to go home while still ahead But of course woke up the next day only to go try and win half of my 400.00 back…. you know once we win we think it’s our money now. Well I did but than I proceeded to loose that and than more. I went back today to collect my money and swore I would only play 100.00 and take my losses… long story short I lost again. I managed to leave with money but still that damm 70.00 cost me 1300.00 when all was said and done. Instead of having my money and 800-900 hundred extra, I some how lost 1300.00. Imagine that. Uggggh! I have no idea what to do anymore…. I know all the guidelines…. I should have no access to money but I have no idea how not too. Ugggggh! Ugggh! Ugggh!! I am ok financially but 1300.00 on top of 4800.00 (last relapse) on top of the time before and the time before and the time before. When will it click???? I does right after the relapse but as soon as the adding and subtracting and the what if’s and the what nots pass I am right back into the same hell hole!!! Help!!!! I can not take this anymore!! One last thing…. not only did I lose money…I lost time and a little more time a little more sanity and I by the way I look like hell. Urgggh! Why why why??? How come some can manage to stay g free and others like myself are chronic relapserss???? I hate this part of my life. I just hate it!! I know I am not alone BUT i just want to be like the ones who manage to live gamble free!

[jen3]

Day 41. Made it through Christmas. I wish I did not let little things bug me so much… some people just annoy the heck out of me. Not that I say anything to them but … reall???….Who am I to be so criticle??? I have not talked to my mom in almost a month. I doubt we will ever talk again and I am ok with that because she is toxic. I say that and I mean it yet I still feel sorry for her and continue to pray for her. The holidays come and go so fast. I hope you all survived. Bring on the New Year! Let’s make it a good one!

[jen3]

Hi Vera! I hope all is well. I might not have time to get on here much before the holidays. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Very blessed New Year!!!! Let’s try to end this year and go into 2019 toxic slop free.

[jen3]

That’s Great!! Have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!! Hopefully next year at this time we are talking about all our g free time and how much better life is because of it,

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