[jen3]

IDI!! I have to laugh.. I have a few friends that posted pics of thier new cars and I remeber thinking what you said “who gives a s.t! “ I have a fairly new car and would never even think to take a pic… I also have a handful of “friends” who always take pictures and post their wins from slot machines, pull tabs etc. Seriously, if you are going to post your wins, you might as well post your losses.. I could of filled up the news feeds with mine Lol Anyways I am just doing a 30 day fast from some mindless things to make room for others. I will re-evaluate in a month and see what positives come from it. I went back to a CR meeting last night.. I left feeling so glad that I did. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, why I keep repeating the same cycle… I left feeling as if all my questions were answered…. it’s simple I never follow through with what God wants me to do. He wants me to keep seeking him and a gf life. Normally I feel better and than find excuses not to continue in recovery. When I look back I was most likely making an excuse to relapse. Not this time. I am going back every Tuesday and Thursday night that I can. I am also going to check out a SMART Recovery meeting. Who knows wether that will be for me but can’t hurt to see…. All I know is I am going to commit to my recovery… IDi—- you should Google Celebrate Recovery and see if there is one near you. From our conversations I really think you would like it. Just a suggestion.. we all have to do what works best for us….

[jen3]

Hi Grover! Been there, done that, several times over in a lifetime. I stoped counting my losses when they hit 2 million and that was years ago do I can only imagine. 2 Years ago , like you , I had no debt than sundenly had 20,000 in debt not mentioning all the money I could have saved. Borrowed, paid debt off, paid it back only to do it all again…. What I am trying to say is wether you claim bankruptcy or not make sure you get the support you need or it will just be a never ending cycle. Many years ago I claimed bankruptcy… clean slate??? Not so much just room to dig another hole to dig back out of. You will get a ton of advice here. I hope you take and use what works for you. I wish you well.

[jen3]

Feeling better today. Today starts my 30 day fast from, Facebook,cigs, alcohol & sugar. Alcohol and sugar will be easy because I only eat crap food on occasion. Alcohol will not be too hard since I am a social binge drinker and don’t go out too much this time of year. Facebook, well it will be a nice break. Cigs… will be the tough one eventhough I am not a heavy smoker( unless gambling than I would chain smoke. ). But I made up my mind to do it so I am going to do it. Same applies for no gambling! I had enough. I made up my mind to do it. Not taking the bait anymore!!

[jen3]

Happy for you!! Today will be much better since you let the urges be just that… urges. I feel much more positive today. I guess it’s about learning to remain calm and ride out the waves. We got this.

[jen3]

Thanks Kin. Another Great message!!!!

[jen3]

Yeah!!! You made it through the holidays when several of us did not. I believe it will get easier with time. Hang in there. You are doing Great!

[jen3]

IDI… back up and read what both you and I were writing a few weeks ago. We can get back there. We can think of this as the last time we relapsed. Let’s learn from it and go back to where we know we are happier. We can do this…. I am glad you do not have to wait till the 31st for money BUT PLEASE do not let the 15th bring you more pain..,, watch the video on Kins thread. I think it will help… (I remember in 2009 amongst many times but I borrowed 7500.00 from my parents to get me out of s.ht.. 2 days later I was in worse s..t.. That was not the first nor the last time something like that happened. I could rattle story after story off). I doubt it will ever happen again only because i think I am all out of bail outs.

[jen3]

Thanks for sharing Kin… I feel like a fool for taking the bait so many times…. Not today! No more!

[jen3]

Yup Murr! We can do this. Let’s crush it!

[jen3]

Да Мър! Ние можем да направим това. Нека го смачкаме!

[jen3]

Ja Murr! We kunnen dit. Laten we het verpletteren!

[jen3]

Thank you Vera! I needed that. I just got home from walking the dog. That is usually one of my times with God throughout the day. Except when gambling than my only time is “please give me my money back, I will never do this again.” Lies lies lies. Anyways I was yelling at God. Saying “I don’t want to live this way anymore” you won’t help me” just take me” I even said I hated him for creating me. I told him he treats me like a red headed step child and will not take this addiction from me. The devil was most likely grinning ear to ear while doing a happy dance. Fker!! Anyways came home read your post and down on my knees I went. Apologizing, asking for forgiveness and his help to get me back to me…. I am definitely not down playing the relapse because of the financial damage not being as much as usual. It hurts even when I win because you said it “ another nail in the coffin”. Anyways I am going to look at this as a lesson.. I did a form of gambling that is out of the ordinary with the same results… just goes to show …never bet on anything… I refuse to give up, giving up. I still have hope. Thank you!

[jen3]

Thank you for your support Liz. It means a lot. I think my last relapse happened (no major financial damage BUT tons of psychological) because i normally see a therapist once a week and she was off due to holidays. It was also pretty quite here.(this site) I guess that only goes to show I need to stay active in my recovery or it’s “off to the races” I should have filled in the gap with some kind of meeting but I didn’t. I am trying to be positive and look at it as a slip and lesson learned. I guess it’s just that I have been here sooooo many times. Maybe this is the last??? One can only hope. I am going back to meetings and I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Yeah me! I get to walk in with tail between legs and explain my new start date. There is one more barrier I need to figure out and that’s the “no acess to extra money”… that’s a tough one. I am willing but it’s with who and how. (Hard to explain)

[jen3]

Day 4. Why do I feel so lost afraid and alone??? Maybe because it should be day 4040 , more like day 8040. The chaos of the psychological damage this addiction has caused is unbearable. At times I want to go to sleep and never wake up, other times I want to live to see what life will be like with no gambling…, what does God have in store for me in 2019? I am so inpatient. I just want this year to b over and to be able to say “I did it and life is Great!” I am taking off the gloves and letting my savior get in the ring… No more chasing money. If it’s money I need than it will chase me. The worry comes from saying and meaning all of this so many times before. What can I do diffrent to keep the desire not to gamble 30,60, 90 days from now. God…..I am begging you to show me.

[jen3]

Nice chatting with you and IDI…. Eventhough I would not wish this addiction on my worst enemy I am soooo glad I am not alone. I agree…. I wish my significant other would have refused to help me over the years…. He does not anymore BUT things might have been different if he would of put his foot down years ago. Oh Well, what’s done is done.

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