[Jds1999]

I dont think he is gambling anymore. All my family on his side now know of his addiction and if it ever came out again that he was gambling again then he really would push us all away for good. I have just realized lately just how much he is using me and has used me the last 7 years, he asked me for £100 nearly three weeks ago and I have been waiting for over a week now for pay back and nothing, I last text him on friday morning saying how I cannot lend him anymore money as it is causing a lot of stress for me and my girlfriend and I have had no reply. It is the first time in 7 years I have said I will not lend him any more so will be interesting to see what he has to say about that.

I am just tired of me lending him money time and time again and every time he never pays me back on time and its too much hassle for me now and I don’t want anything to do with it anymore.

[Jds1999]

I am not sure if i will get the money back, it will not be for a long time anyway, he hasnt paid me any money back for 2 years already and he has more important people that he owes money too so he will pay them off first. Hopefully the debt charity today can help me out reducing the loan payments and that will b big stress relief not having to worry and pay for that every month. I just want his loan paid off so that i can be detached from his gambling and just get a job and start focusing on me for change, one step at a time.

[Jds1999]

Today i have been talking to a debt charity online about the loan debt he has left me with. I will call them tomorrow to discuss in further detail what has happend and why i have been left with his gambling debts. The lady online said she understands what he has left me with and it should be able to give me help which will release some of this stress. If i didnt have this loan of his to pay off i would be a lot less stressful i feel, its just the way he doesnt seem to care which is annoying me even more week by week. I have paid off the last 7 months off it and all he says is sorry, he doesnt try and offer me any help or advice.

That will be good to get help with and have two interviews coming up this week so hopefully can reduce all this stress and pressure one bit at a time. I have decided i will make no effort with my dad at all until he at least starts trying to help me or make effort, i know a lot of you say he didnt ask to be a gambling addict but i didnt ask to be effected by it for the last 6 years either.

[Jds1999]

I dont know what it is, my parents divorced 8 years ago and I sided with my dad at the time, i was closer to him i did more with him and it felt like everyone was against him during the divorce. I fell out with my mum a lot and ever since then we havent been close, i cant remember the last time i told my mum i loved her or when she said she loved me, i have never been able to ask her for help nor has she ever seemed interested in my wellbeing and future. I dont feel comfortable talking to her and whenever we are at home we never really engage in conversation, so during the last 6 years i have had a dad use me for his gambling and a mum who i have not been close to at all.

My parents hate each other and during the time of lending my dad money if she was to have found out then she would have gone mad for me helping him out while she was doing everything for me and my brother. If i was to tell her now i feel she wouldnt be happy but she would have to realise i didnt know it was for gambling and he put me under a lot of pressure to keep lending him money. I want to get closer to my mum and maybe letting this secret out could be the start of that because up until now i have never felt like she has been there for me either and has never been someone i could turn to.

[Jds1999]

Thanks for all the replies. During the last few months i have realised how my dad has used and manipulated me during these last 6 years which has led me to really not caring about him at the minute. He only rings me when he needs anything, i dread the day i tell him i have work again as i know he will be back on my case asking for money but dont worry now i know his problem i will not lend him money again. I spoke to my brother about this all the other day and it turns out he has lent my dad £2,500 too, and the most recent time he lent my dad money was a month before this all came out in April, i hadnt lent him any money for a few years so thought it was all ok but it clearly hasnt been, i just hate how he has used us both and not given any care about our future or wellbeing.

I want to tell my mum, i know it will be better with no more secrets, i have just been so used to him drumming it into my head that all hell will break lose if i tell her but really it wont make things worse for me just him. He doesnt want my mum knowing what he has done to me and my brother and the extent of his gambling , i just dont want my mum stressing too, but at the same time she could help me.

I am struggling at the moment as i have no work, the loan payment is due tomorrow and this is going to leave me short again and all my dad says he is sorry, just not good enough. This is his problem and like you all say i have taken it on myself and it has been my problem the last 6 years and it shouldt be.

[Jds1999]

I just feel this big pressure in telling my mum. I feel that if i was to find a job then that would take a lot of my stress away. I have a couple of interviews lined up beginning of next week and feel with work i wouldnt be struggling like i am now. I am struggling a lot now because i am getting no help, paying off my dads loan and am unemployed and im just trying to work out if i would still need to tell my mum if i had work. There isnt long left of the loan so i would ideally not have to tell her if i was to get some work soon. But at the same time i am struggling because i am getting no help at the moment from either parent, just confused as what is best to do get a job and keep it quiet or whether i am working or not still tell my mum so it is out in the open and pressure off my shoulders. I just hate dad for putting me in this position and seeming like he doesnt care at all

[Jds1999]

Just spoke to my dad for first time in three weeks, only because its birthday and i wished him well. He rang back and asked how i was getting on, said i was struggling to find work and coping with having no help and having to pay off his loan. I said i almost told my mum about him the other day and he was like ‘you cant jds, it will cause so much hassle and you will be fine soon’.

I wont be fine soon, it will only cause him hassle. I feel annoyed at how he is still not listening to me saying i am struggling, he is offering me no help and continues to expect me to cover his back with everything.

I said i need some help financially, his next loan payment is due in 4 days and me paying it every month is leaving me with hardly anything while i have no work and once again he said he will give me money like he has done the last 6 months, if he doesnt get any money within the next few days i feel i wil have to tell my mum. I feel i can get through it without having to let her know if he helps me but i dont know how he doesnt understand he is leaving me with no choice to tell her if he doesnt.

[Jds1999]

How do we forgive the gambler? I feel like my dad has lied to me and used me the last 6 years and even now, a few months after he told us about his addiction, he hasn’t bothered contacting me or my brother and it has almost been a month since I heard from him.

He knows I am unemployed, I am struggling and he owes me money and he doesn’t ever both to see how I am doing. He expects me to keep it all a secret from my mother just so she doesn’t know what he has done to me. I don’t hate him, but we are so used to not knowing him anymore which is the sad thing and that is what I have got used to.

[Jds1999]

Was good seeing the counsellor yes, going to see him once a week from now on.

I will take down all what i want to say to him, i know how its going to go with him just trying to assure me that i shouldnt tell my mum like he always has done but im not telling her to cover for him and its getting me nowhere and making it a lot worse for me so if after i explain how i feel to him and he still shows no sign of helping me then i will tell my mum over weekend at some point. Am hoping telling her will bring me and her bit closer too once she hears everything i have to say and realise what i have put up with the last 5 years.

[Jds1999]

So had the counselling meeting this morning. Explained everything to him and he took down three pages worth of notes and says i have put up with too much for too long and become so used to doing it on my own but that i have to now realise its time to speak up and get help from family.

I am going to ring my dad tomorrow, explain i had this meeting and tell him i need help, i know it wont be from him so it will have to be from elsewhere and if he cannot get me help i have no option but to tell my mum. I know he will probably tell me to keep waiting and putting up with him and promise me help but i am not listening to that no more.

[Jds1999]

I have not given him any of my money for around 18 months now and now that i know he is a gambler and lied to me all these years i wont give him any more. I am just at the stage where he owes me £2,000 of my money which i lent him plus there is £1500 left to pay on the loan and he keeps promising me some money but i now know i most likely wont get it.

I just spoke to my younger brother about telling my mum soon and he thinks its a bad move as he feels it wont change anything; only give my mum something to be mad at. But my younger brother hasnt been effected by this like i have, he hasnt lent my dad any money and had a secret to keep all this time plus he is getting support from my mum which i have never got.

Have got my first counsellor meeting in the morning which would be good, first time have been able to talk to someone about this in person.

[Jds1999]

I feel like I have been controlled by that beast all this time too, having to keep it all a secret from the rest of my family and dealing with it on my own the past 6 years I now realise has really made me the way I am, always feeling confused and that I can never ask for help from anyone else without worrying if I might bring up his addiction accidentally.

I feel angry and let down by how he has been as a parent to me, I know he didn’t ask for his addiction but he has just totally let it take over him and just forgot about me and my two brothers, hes become almost a stranger to us. I see now that he has not asked for any money only because I have been unemployed the last 5 months, but he has still left me to pay off his loan and all he says is ‘sorry nothing I can do’. It’s not good enough and I know I need to speak up to my mother which will then hopefully lead to much needed help from her and other parts of my family.

I have always just been used to covering for my dad and he knows that, he has used me for my money and to keep it a secret which has lead to me forgetting about myself, time to change that and am looking forward to going to my first counselling session tomorrow which will help me see and understand what is going on and how I can make things better for myself.

[Jds1999]

Where do I find this group?

[Jds1999]

Thanks Velvet,

I have wrote my problem on a few sites now and not really getting much feedback so do appreciate any thoughts i receive.

I keep putting off telling my mum in hope that the problem will go away but i realise it wont while i dont get help from anybody. I am not getting help from my dads side as his gambling has pushed us all apart and dont feel i can get help from my mum without explaining what has happened. I should be able to talk to her but my dad keeps telling me itl make everything worse but realised itl only make things worse for him and he has never thought about how his gambling has effected me.

I will try and be online for the friends and family group tomorrow which sounds good.

[Jds1999]

I havent lent my dad any money for around 2 years now and he has owed me the rest of my money since then. Him calling me up and admitting to me his problem came from him not paying me any of the loan he made me take out for him for 4 months in a row. Every month he didnt give me the monthly payment i kept hassling him for it and asking why he was in such a deep hole and now me and everyone on my dads side of the family know.

Unfortnately i do no get on with my mum, i fell out with her when my parents divorced 8 years ago, i have not had the support of my dad because of his gambling and havent had it from my mum because i have never been close to her, neither parent have helped me since they divorced 8 years ago and am now 25 and feel lost myself. I want to now talk to my mum about it all, she wont be happy with me lending my dad thousands but at least she will see why i am struggling so much.

I have also arranged to see a counsellor next week, i feel i have taken on my dads gambling all on my own the last 6 years and having no help from anyone has really effected me and i want to talk to somone to understand why i feel how i do.

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