[Jason32]

That’s great news Izzi, we are in this together 🙂 And whilst it’s painful you should encourage those feelings remorse, that and self exclusion will be key to both our recoveries and redemption, keep duo the good work.

[Jason32]

Thanks Izzi, really appreciate the encouragement 🙂 how are you keeping?

[Jason32]

Hi not got too much, write at present but I am doing OK, thanks i believe I haven’t gambled since I started this journal and I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the financial mess thats been caused. I initially was too extreme with myself and paying off the debt too soon but now I am taking a more flexible approach and giving myself more time as life gets too depressing and drags too slow otherwise. I have also taken up the gym again and feeling the therapeutic benefits of exercise too! I am also looking at other jobs as I think the stress at times waa a factor in making me choose this escape of gambling!

[Jason32]

Hey Izzi thanks for sharing your story you have clearly been through a lot throughout your life, yet, you are clearly determined to be courageous and not let this defeat you!
As for me? I have found the last 2 weeks incredibly hard to manage, I just found out a few days ago that I wont be getting a bonus in march or a payrise as I have been marked inconsistent which i means i fell slightly below the objectives i have been set for myself! This makes me sad because I could have really done with the 2grand towards my debts and the negative appraisal effects my prospects for moving on within the company for a year. I just feel I am trapped due to the debt I have created , stuck in job which i dont enjoy, which i find boring and to which i feel undervalued. I have just constantly been thinking of how the time is going to drag to pay off my debt and how i am putting my life on hold for it whilst i am just getting older and older. In reality i just want a job i enjoy, minimal debt and to settle down and find a partner. I have just come back from a xmas weekend in Scotland with my mum and my brother and thinking about it all effected my enjoyment. I keep worrying about how i would manage if i lost my job, how would i pay my loan and mortgage so ive made a decision. My loan is currently 300 a month i was initially gonna put 1k down each month now i am gonna put the minimum 300 down and save the rest. That way if i hit the target figure , saving 15k by march 2017 ill pay it all off but alternatively if i was to lose my job 6months/10months down the line i would have at least 5k to last me a few months in between jobs. Been so tough though, i mean going into shops and not spoiling myself having to say no is hard. I met up with 2 old friends today who live in Scotland which is 5 hours from me and i thoroughly enjoyed there company, initially i was trying to find a way of not seeing them because i felt so low but im glad I saw them.
All being well i’m changing my phone in the next few days and getting gamblock for Android.

[Jason32]

Thanks for sharing your experience with me, I’ve come from a dysfuntional family too, from what my mum has told me, my dad has had a gambling addiction throughout his life my little sister did once and stole some money off my mum. Spoke to them both before and they both deny this was or is a problem for them!

I was a little cheeky yesterday and messaged and asked my dad for a little extra xmas money than usual because in addition to my recent losses I have had to buy a new car pay for repairs and suprisingly he said yes! Now it may only be an extra £100 but at the end of the day thats 2 nights out or meals or petrol money to say family that i wasn’t going to use for myself so I am very happy with that! I also asked my bank about there lodging rules as currently i only had till june to be within the 12 months allowed to have lodgers. The great thing is, I got the impression as long as you make all your payments on time and ask for permission in advance, there are no issues getting these things extended which is another weight off my shoulders.

It does make me question, what is important to me? Initially it was to try and get around 10k savings behind me. Now that I think about it though, just getting out of the debt, getting my house back to myself and then getting me a cat and a dog seems far more appealing.

Izzi, my heart goes out to you, I admire your fighting spirit, I have decided to go out with my friends this weekend still stick to the budget, but why lock yourself away?

I need to make some changes i reckon though, I need a phone where I can install gambling software, as soon as a quarter of the debt is paid get the overdraft completly removed get the block for my lending upgraded beyond the 12 months which means that if i ever needed borrowing id have to physically visit a branch to do it i want to take further measures this time around as the compulsions just come back after the passage of time and im determined to put up an even bigger fight this time!

[Jason32]

I’ve just been spending the last few days peicing things together, trying to make sense of it all.

Was speaking to my therapist today, I have been working on a budget and trying see the positives. I have 2 lodgers at the moment, I just hope that they stay on and help supplement some of this debt!

I’ve figured out if I significantly spend less I can clear a big chunk. If I reduce my food bill to £130 by cutting out treats and takeaways by March my debt will reduce from 15800 to 12200. If I get a annual bonus maybe even down to 10k. I just got to grit my teeth and see if I can get by on £70 for entertainment.

I’m just willing the time to go quickly taking each day and week and then month as it comes. I just want have a good balance in my accounts so i dont feel trapped so i feel secure for a rainy day if it takes 2 years to pay it all so be it.

It’s uncertainty at this stage that worries me, not knowing if I can manage on this budget not knowing when my lodgers will leave and if I can replace them. Guess there’s no point worrying about what you cant change!

I wrote a calendar out at work today highlighting each month how my debt could potentially lower and highlighting little things to look forward to each week like meal with friends or seeing family at xmas. It’s actually comforting that writing this itself eases the pain somewhat! If i cut these takeaways I could get my physical and financial shape made better, making lifestyle changes too so that this whole period can be stressless as possible, things like having a routine for chores, and cooking in bulk, getting to bed at a certain time so im early for work etc not tired and as vunerable to lifes stresses.

It takea real character for any of us, especially when been through this several times already in ones life to grit your teeth and fight it when all you feel like doing is curling up in a ball and letting the world spin until time has passed!
I’m going to try amd update this every few weeks/monthly or whenever I have something important to say.

Thank you for taking the time to write me such a kind message, I’ve been filling my time with classic films like the Godfather and playing computer games as soon as I feel ready to I’m going back to the gym too. I cant really tell my friends and family because they’ve known about my problems in the past and I just wanted to show them so badly that I have moved on with my life. I asked my bank to block me from borrowing any more money for a year so thats a start but yes when the chance permits i want to get an android phone as they have gambling blocking software. I just hate the little voices that tell u all the wrong stuff i dont want them ever twisting my arm again!

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