[jansdad]

Thanks john and maveric and thank you geordie.

Me talking about being able to win etc was obviously sarcasm and i thought i made it clear. it’s just how a gambling brain works. “what if?” “what if I could actually win long term?”

It’s a trick my brain plays on me from time to time. I don’t take it seriously of course because I know better. But the fact that I don’t believe it for a second, does not prevent me from going stupid from time to time, as we’ve seen.

I thank you all for your support.

[jansdad]

Well obviously the right choice would have been not to gamble any further. But you guys know how it goes…

Anyway, after breaking even I cashed out everything but $500 to my friend’s bank account. Then I lost the $500 and asked him to deposit the $600 he said he had available on his credit card. After a few ups and downs I lost that too and then asked another friend to send $1000.
I lost that too and and then deposited 100 euros through my phone. Lost that in 2 hands. I want to stop now. Time to reread that book.
I’m down about $2200 – $2300 since I relapsed, will know exactly once the money clears in my friends bank account. Not pretty. Funny how I swore up and down I would not play again after I won my money back. I’ve done that too many times before too. I guess we all have.

My last gamble was at 4.15pm February 24 2015

The DAY #0

[jansdad]

OK, I’ve won it all back. Booyakasha!!! I’m the man, I’m the myth I’m the legend.

That of course raises another question. What do I do now? I’m mean I’m obviously capable of winning at poker only if I concentrate and play well…
Wouldn’t it be a tremendous waste of talent if I quit now when there’s overwhelming evidence that I can actually win?

That is how sick I am and how sneaky this addiction is. It knows all the tricks, all the angles, I’m no match for this freaking disease.

[jansdad]

If y’all thought today would be my day #2, you need to think again. I’m back to to square one. Or day #0, whatever you prefer to call it. I gambled again last night till 3am.
This time I won $2K. $1000 to go and then I can live gamble-free forever. Famous last words.
If you had asked me around 7pm yesterday what I thought the chance were I would gamble again in the near future (let’s say 2 months) I would have said ‘far less than 1%’. The memory of what gambling did to me was so fresh, so vivid and I knew I wouldn’t gamble again any time soon.
Well what we “know” isn’t always what is. And less than an hour later I was seated at a PLO 2-4 table on Party Poker, my friend’s account. There was $200 in the account and he said he could put another $600 if need be. Sounded like a plan and I was game.
Cards were running ok, I wasn’t steaming and I ended up winning $2k and cashed out $1400 to my friend’s bank account leaving $600 so I can chase the $1000 I’m still down.

I knew and I know it was very bad what I was doing, but I also felt happy. It was like the old days when I had the night for myself, I gambled, I watched porn, I gambled some more and I won.

I don’t know why I went back into my old ways just hours after I posted my day #63. Maybe because I saw other people here relapsed and lived. Maybe because I thought I can have a fun evening out with the guys and not turn it into desperate money-chasing event. Or maybe it was inevitable as I am a compulsive gamble to the core.

But I’m not kidding myself. I know I cannot contain my addiction, I know I cannot be a happy recreational gambler. I know I cannot play 2 hours and leave whether I win, lose or break even. I have to chase because I’m a sick compulsive gambler and I have a problem.

And I know I’ll try and chase that $1K. I wish I could let it go, $1K won’t change anything in my life, but I know I will try and win it back using the $600 still in the account. But I wish I would let it go.

[jansdad]

Same here. I can’t be a recreational gambler. Which is a pity. All my friends are gamblers. All my contacts are gamblers. I lover gamblers. I feel comfortable around them, they’re from my world. But I know I must give that away. One innocent game unleashes hell for me. Sad as it is. And it saddens me profoundly for I always enjoyed the scene..

@sad68, yes I too love Mred’s post. What a great guy that is. Geordie too. Where are they? Haven’t seen them in a while.

[jansdad]

Welcome to the forum Mark. If there was an easy way to stop gambling most of us wouldn’t be here. I can relate to what you say though – not gambling for weeks or months and then catching up in one single day and losing what you normally would have lost (or more) had you not “stopped” in the first place… 🙁

[jansdad]

Day #0 again.

Here’s how it happened. I’m in Lviv Ukraine, I love it here and I come here often. They have this club here which is an excellent restaurant a striptease joint and a poker club all on the same floor. I used to play and lose here whenever I came, but I loved the atmosphere and camaraderie.

Back in December the government shot down all poker clubs (they shot down all casinos about 10 years ago, but poker clubs were allowed till last december) and I found a new pastime – I started going to the gym here where they all have excellent masseuses.

Anyway, last thursday I was having dinner at the club and I saw one of the pitbosses I knew from before. She confirmed what I had already heard – that they’re running a game on the quiet and invited me to play. I declined, but said might come on Saturday. Yesterday I was having dinner there again and decided to play a little. It’s a relatively small game about $0.25 – $0.25 PLO and NLH. I decided not to view it as gambling, but as pastime and chance to hook up with people I knew and enjoyed their company.
I intentionally only took about $200 with me. I was very clear with myself, I wasn’t gonna steam, make bad decisions and win, lose or draw I was gonna go home after 2 hours. I wasn’t gonna report this to the group as I didn’t consider it to be gambling as long as I wasn’t steaming and making bad decisions. I considered it a pastime and if I lost a hundred of two so be it.

As it usually happens in the game of poker I took a couple of bad beats and was down maybe $50. Nothing to worry about. But what did worry me is that I noticed adrenaline rushing to my head and I started playing more and more hands, making irrational decisions. Instead of stopping and leaving right then and there I proceeded to lose the rest of the money playing badly. So I was down $200. Then I remembered that I had 100 euros stashed in my laptop sleeve which I was carrying with me to do some work. I lost that too and left.

On the way home I contemplated should I report this to do group (that is to say to you guys). Had I not started steaming there would be nothing to report and I wouldn’t have considered it gambling. But I did start steaming fairly quickly and I did feel the adrenaline rush and I did make stupid decisions and I was having the worst of it and therefore I was gambling and I decided to report it.

Then, still in a cab, I thought, well since I’m now officially back to day #0 anyway, why don’t I try and win it back? And I asked myself do I really need $300? No! But I did want to gamble.

I texted a friend and asked him to let me play on his account. Unfortunately he had just won and had about $2500 in the account. All I wanted to do is win back the $300 maybe a little more and call it a night. Well, I lost the $2500 in less than an hour.

Then I remembered the Poker Stars account in my wife’s name that I blocked over 6 months ago should be playable now (they only let you block it for up to 6 months). I emailed them and they unblocked it within half hour. All my credit cards are tapped out, but they do let you deposit money using your cell phone and I deposited the daily max which is about 100 euros or $110.

I built that $100 to $1300 playing first 0.50-1 and then 2-4 HU PLO. Then I wanted to move to a 3-6 or 5-10 game, but they software wouldn’t let me cos I had set table limits to max 2-4 before I blocked the account. This was a drag cos at higher stakes I would have had a fair chance of winning my money back where at 2-4 I would have to play much longer and maintain my A game if I was to have any chance at all.
So I was pissed about it, started steaming again and lost all but $35. I was very tired and wanted to go to bud, but I could never leave a loser and I had to lose the last $35 first. So I played a $30 spin&go won it, then won a couple of more of these and had $400. Back to the $2-4$ HU game, built it to a little over a thousand again and I said to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if I cut my losses here, cashed this out and never looked back. And I remember saying to myself ‘yes, it would be very nice indeed’, but needless to say I proceeded to lose it all. It was around 6am when I lost the last money I had there.

And I felt violated. I guess that’s the word that describes it the closest. Violated. Maybe not the best analogy, but I felt what I think inmates feel after being raped in prison. Totally helpless, overwhelmed, defiled…

Trying to keep busy now. Being busy preserves my sanity I find.

Here’s to day #0

[jansdad]

Ok, I relapsed last night. I’ve been playing for the last 9-10 hours and lost a fortune. I’m sick of myself and totally disillusioned.

Details tomorrow. I hate myself so much.

[jansdad]

Day #63 today. No urges. I figure urges come once every 10 days or so. But when they do they’re nasty.

[jansdad]

Hehe, thanks. But little more poker. Dude, forget about steaming. Let’s say we never steamed and we always played our A-game – we would still lose.
As a matter of fact I say thank god to steaming, it makes me lose my money faster and then i can get on with collecting the pieces of my life and moving on. Without steaming I would still lose, but it would take much longer and I would waste A LOT more time.
Poker has evolved in ways that most people can’t even imagine. It takes hard work to win nowadays. Talent is no longer enough. There are no more naturals among top winning players as was the case only 5-10 years ago. All top players online are heavy grinders who spend hours every day just analyzing the poker tracker and other data collecting software. It is hard work.
Poker is hard way to have an easy living. I know guys in Czech Republic where I live who are serious grinders. They’re Poker Stars Supernova Elite players. So they basically play over 1 million hands every year. It’s a full time job. The Supernova package, once you achieve the status is worth about $130K a year. Most of these guys break even on the games and net thus 130K a year. Not bad especially in CZ, but it is hard work. And boring work at that. These guys are not gambling – they’re working. Not fun when you put it that way.

You and I, at our age and our mindset, we could never do that. So, we just need to stay away from it.

[jansdad]

About poker, I was winning at it for years, like 2000-2007, not much but 50 to 80k every year. I wasn’t a stellar player but other players were so much worse. I had a gambling problem even when I was winning and I did nothing about it. I often played badly, i chased and i was often steaming. And I remember thinking back then how good it would be if I played my A-game all or even most of the time. How much more I would win…

Guess what, nowadays, even if I played my A-game 100% of the time I still couldn’t beat any games at a meaningful level. I mean I could probably beat 0.25-0.50 limit game, but I know I couldn’t beat 0.25-0.50 plo or nlh games, no way. These games are infested with pros and regulars.

Guys like us, at our age, have no chance at poker whatsoever. None. Even if we played our A-game which we know ain’t happening. It only takes a semi bad beat or two for me to start steaming out of my ears and do crazy crazy sh*t.

I’ve been clean 62 days and I’m happy about it, but it doesn’t mean much. It only means that maybe, just maybe there’s hope.
You know I always knew that gambling is a tough animal. I wasn’t kidding myself. I knew it’s hard to quit, I was never like “I will quit when I decide to quit, but not just yet”. But I never realized until recently that “quitting” is not something you try and do and when you finally succeed you’re done with it and you don’t need to worry about it any more. I never thought I’d go gamble-free for 2 months and still fear every day to come.

[jansdad]

I had a day, not long ago when I wanted to gamble just for the sake of it. I explained to myself: no, I cannot win long term; no, I cannot win even short term because I’m a compulsive gambler and will just lose; yes, it will bring misery and regret; yes, I will hate myself
And then I asked myself do I still want to gamble? And the answer was resounding YESSSSS!!!

I knew I could only get $200 maybe $300 online, I knew I would lose that money 100% and I was fine with it. I knew that money would last anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours and I was ok with it. It was worth it – losing $300 was worth it. That’s how I felt.

And if it wasn’t for this forum I would have gambled that day and on many other days and I would go to my old ways. But somehow, miraculously I found the strength to come here and read posts and the urge subsided. I’ve been clean for 62 days now and on at least ten different occasions I came very, very close to gambling.

Gambling is one scary addiction. The more I learn about it the scarier it gets. It has slick ways of messing with out mind.

[jansdad]

Hey Maverick, I just caught up with this thread. I’ve been gambling for decades. There were many years when I was a winning player – because the other players were really bad and I did nothing to improve my game, I got complacent and now I cannot win at poker any more. I actually haven’t been able to win for the last 6-7 years.

When I think about gambling and all the losses I suffered it’s mostly to things that really bother me. And none of them is money. Sure I lost a lot of money and if I had that money today my life would be easier.
But it’s not so much the money as the time lost, precious time I wasted gambling, tons of lost opportunities. And the second thing is my brain deteriorated. Big time. I used to be a sharp guy. I know this will sound crazy, but my IQ dropped about 20 points over the last 15 years.
Also, I lost focus, I lost the drive. I cannot concentrate more than 1 or 2 hour daily. I’m so very unproductive. I know people my age (I’m 44) who’re rocking and rolling and are able to be productive 10-12 hours when need be. Not me. I get tired after an hour or two of any intellectual work. I’m able to gamble 20 hours in one go no problems, but I cannot do anything meaningful any more.
That’s what gambling took away from me and that upsets me the most.

[jansdad]

Hi Charleen. That was a tough read. Kudos on the honesty. Where was it exactly that you asked to be banned, but they failed to ban you?
From my experience both online and brick and mortar casinos take these requests very, very seriously and act on them immediately.

Can you give more details and also how did you lose money there? Is there paper trace (did you use your bank cards at those places etc. Also, can you prove that you requested to be excluded?)

[jansdad]

Thanks Mred and p. I couldn’t login yesterday. It happens from time to time that I can’t login for some reason. There must be a glitch in the software or something.

Doing fine, day #62 today. Still in Ukraine, missing my boy and my wife. 10 more days here. Going out today with some friends, will try to make it to the group tomorrow.

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