[jansdad]

I installed http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ but will look at netnanny too. It’s this one http://http://www.netnanny.com/ right?

I couldn’t / didn’t want to install it till now for a reason. I didn’t mention this here, but I was involved in arbitrage sport betting. A couple of guys I was introduced to made this program that fully automates arbitrage betting, ensuring small profits. So, about half a year ago I invested 20K into it and it has been working like a charm, averaging about 5% on my money monthly. I would have to pay the guys 40% of my profits, but I still averaged 3%+ on my money monthly. Not bad, since no bank will give you more than 2% on your money annually. And there was no risk. I mean there wouldn’t be any risk in an ideal world. But because I’m a cg and I had access to those accounts that money wasn’t save there. So back in October I gambled on those accounts (there’s 6 accounts in total) and lost about 8k. That left me with 12K and my profits were reduced, but it was still a nice ROI on the money that I would otherwise have in the bank bearing no interest.
I gambled in November and December, but I didn’t touch the money in those accounts. I didn’t gamble January and most of February and I finally went into these accounts yesterday and lost 4K. I played black jack and what not.

I realized I posted on your thread yesterday Mav instead of on my own, I was out of my mind the whole night, I didn’t know what I was doing.

Anyway, I have decided to quit arbitrage betting, explaining those people that it’s not for me ‘cos i’m a cg and having money available online and ready to be gambled away is not an option for me. They disabled automatic betting for me, but there’s still a few bets open and I have to wait a couple of days till they settle. I installed the K9 protection and will activate it as soon as the bets clear and I cash out the money. I chose a long random password and when I activate it I will throw it away. As well the password for the email address I set up just for K9. So, I won’t be able to access any gambling sites. I used K9 before and it worked pretty good and it’s not invasive on your computer as some other software. But I will check Net Nanny too.

So I ruined a good thing, close to 40% return on my money p.a. is an incredible deal, but it’s not an option for me.

Upward and onwards as you Brits say.

[jansdad]

ok, ending now. another terrible loss, but to be expected…
Instaling the K9 webprotection software tomorrow. So much about doing it on my own “the easy way”. I’m such an idiot. I’m glad I don’t know any of you in person. I’d be even more ashamed. I know no one’s judging me here, but still… i’m such a fucking asshole, i’m disgusted by my own self.

And I need to go into my wife and ask her to give me some money that we have in her account so I can pay my debts now. Do I hate myself! I don’t even know how it started. I was more than confident last couple of days. It was like something had “clicked” in my brain and I was no longer addicted. HAHA. How foolish. What was I thinking?

The good news is I’m going to sleep now and I won’t have to face any of my problems for another 6-7 hours. Am I pathetic?!!

[jansdad]

I’m gambling as we speak… 🙁 🙁 🙁
Up about a thou so not lamenting, but I would give the thou plus another 20K if someone could guarantee I’ll never gamble again.
I thought about it, I must be doing something wrong. What’s the point of not playing for weeks even months when I’ll lose more in the end than I would have lost otherwise. I have to find a different way to go about it.

[jansdad]

Try Starcraft 2 🙂
I’ll play with you any time you like 🙂

[jansdad]

Another great post Charlster. One thing that particularly caught my attention is where you say you didn’t know you had a problem for a long, long time.
I always knew I had a problem. Even during the years I was winning at poker year in year out I knew I had a problem. First time I banned myself from a casino was when I was 22. I asked Holland Casino in Amsterdam to ban me for a year and they did. I then used friend’s ID to get in.

I didn’t take the problem lightly. I didn’t think like “ok, I have a problem and I will deal with it, just not yet”. I imposed all kind of obstacles, bans, deals with friends, had my money offshore where it would take days to get it etc. I think that’s the only reason I survived.
What I didn’t know, and maybe you meant something similar, that I will always need support. I foolishly thought that once you get it out of your system, you get it out of your system and you’re done and over with it.
I shiver every time I ready someone’s here been clean for 5 year or 14 months or whatever and then relapsed. I shiver when geordie who I look up to says he had a tough weekend and came close to gambling.

It’s all too scary for me and makes me nervous and uncertain.

[jansdad]

You’re funny, and geordie is too, if you think I believe you had anything to do with my relapse.

I had people lure me into gambling, sweettalk me into gambling, lend me money to gamble, people had girls over at their joint so we would go and gamble there and I never, never thought it’s anyone’s fault by mine. Not for a split second did I ever blame anyone but myself. And how could I? How could anyone? It’s all up to us…

[jansdad]

I just caught up with this thread. And I shiver. And it’s not because of all the horrors you’ve been through and all the daily difficulties you still face and live through.
It’s the fact that you were 5 years gamble free at one time and then went back into it and it became even worse.
It’s a cold nasty reminder, and something I tend to forget, that we’re never cured.
I tend to believe (very naively) that once we go through all the effort and hardship and finally stop gambling, we’d then be OK.

Anyway, great posts Charlster. A lot of formidable minds on this forum. How we got ourselves into this mess I don’t know.

There can never be another bet. I remember, about 10 years ago I was winning at poker handsomely, but I was nevertheless aware of my gambling problem. Gambling used to absorb me. All I could think of is playing poker. I would go to the movies with my girlfriend and started fidgeting before the film even began. I couldn’t wait for it to end so I could go home and play poker online. We would not go for a drink after the move, I had to rush home. Once home, I would run to my computer, turn it on, and then and only then I would take off my jacket (while the computer booted), washed my hands etc. so I wouldn’t lose any time.
I was still winning those years despite my addiction. The other players were so much worse.
Anyway, I was well aware of the problem and I sought professional help. I made an appointment with this therapist and after listening to me he asked me what I wanted from him. Well, I thought it was obvious, I wanted to be able to play poker, but without the elements of gambling. I wanted to be able to enjoy life and the little things like before. 2 sessions later he told me he couldn’t help me unless I wanted to stop altogether. He said he may be able to help me stop completely, but he couldn’t do anything for me if I wanted to continue playing poker.
I wasn’t ready to stop, I was making good money and I loved the game. I did realize back then that I have a problem and that I am addicted. And that addicted progressed over the years.
I wish I had listened to him back then.

[jansdad]

Hey Geordie. Always good to read your posts. And as usual, you hit the nail on its head. I wasn’t gonna come here for the exact reasons you pointed out. And shame. I mean not that I have a lot of shame left…

Last time I talked to Mav on FB was exactly a week ago. Not sure his binge yesterday had anything to do with it. Nor mine a couple of days earlier.

But you’re right, CG’s when together will sometimes romanticize gambling. I’ve done it many times on my own.

Thanks Geordie.

[jansdad]

you know what BG, I’m at day #3 myself today. And I caught myself thinking “tick clock, tick” today. I wanna be at day #100, I can’t wait to be there, tick, tick, tick.

And then I stopped and realized how wrong it is. I have to use that time for something good, something productive. I have to make that time count, I have to live every day these 100 days and do something useful with them. Not only refrain from gambling.

Fritz made a comment the other day how good he felt after a productive day at work. That’s where we should be, not passively waiting for the time to pass hoping we won’t gamble.

The movie “Click” with Kate Beckinsale and Adam Sandler comes to mind. What a great movie that is. 🙂

[jansdad]

Also, Mav, there’s NOTHING glorious in being a CG.
So when i said I didn’t think of you as of a CG the way I think, say, of Vera as a CG – you should take it as a compliment 🙂

[jansdad]

I didn’t mean to say that the absolute amounts we lose matter, it’s all relative. All I’m saying is, Mav, and I think you mentioned it once yourself, that you probably have other things contributing to your predicament – NOT just gambling. And although gambling certainly doesn’t help, I didn’t have the impression that gambling is the only contributor to your predicament.
I don’t want to diminish your gambling problem, but I did have the impression from time to time that you’re blowing it out of proportions and maybe neglecting some other issues in the process. I mean that was till you started playing black chips. Betting black chips in your position is A MAJOR issue.

About the amounts we bet: charlster2 made an excellent point. I too was betting a lot more when I had more money (and there were a few years when i actually was winning at poker). Back then I would not lose sleep over losing $3K, now it’s a major disaster causing stress, panic and nightmares.
And back then I didn’t have to worry about my bills, now I do.

And geordie is right about discussing our losses (although Mav and I never really went into any such details in our private conversations) – I think I mentioned it that my recent relapse had partly to do with a fact that I saw people here relapsing and i thought it was “ok” to relapse once in a while. I don’t want to mention names, but it was this Irish woman that triggered my gambling session on Feb 21 😀 😀 😀
Ah, I got only myself to blame, no one else. Ever. Only myself.

But the fact remains our relapsing does not help others here.

I do disagree with geordie where he says you aren’t more of a CG now than you were last week. I think the illness progresses. I think I’m more of a CG now than I was a couple of years ago. I exercise a lot less control, I start steaming more easily, I lose more (relative amounts, not absolute), I have less confidence, I’m sadder for a longer period of time after losing, gambling takes much more toll on me than it used to…

[jansdad]

You know Mav, I never really took your gambling seriously until now. I thought your gambling is just a small part of a much bigger and broader problem, but it in itself is not deadly as is the case with most of us here.
You mentioned you started gambling 3 years ago and you lost 25K. Big deal. If I had only lost 25K in my life I’d be well off now. I spent more than 25K on hookers in my life time. I spent more than double dating and dining regular girls. I spent more than quadruple buying things I didn’t really need.

Sure you lost some money playing micro levels poker and you wasted time, lost some business because of it, but it could have been something else too. So, although I never underestimated your predicament and always took it very seriously, I never really thought your gambling is a serious problem. But now that you almost lost $4K playing black jack, betting up to $1K a hand, I think it’s serious. The fact that you now “know” that you can win serious money playing black jack is no good news.
You seriously need to stop and think. I know you didn’t lose any money, no harm no foul you may reason. But you seriously need to start thinking before it gets too late. I’m writing this not only for you, but to reinforce the idea into my head too. Dude, we’re a couple of bad breaks from being homeless. And the easiest path down that route is to gamble. As someone already said here: we’re all one bet away from being homeless.

[jansdad]

Hey Mate. I almost never play black jack, but when I did back in december I knew things are bad. Then I stayed clean for 2 months, relapsed and lost a bunch playing poker. 4 days later I relapsed again, lost some on poker and then lost a bunch more playing black jack. I didn’t lose it all. There was very little left compared to what I lost that night (the night of 27/28 Feb), but as I was about to lose my last money I looked at the clock and it was 2.58.
I had already dealt another hand of black jack, 3 x $50. And then I said to myself wouldn’t it be nice if this was the last gamble I every made. I played the first two hands and on the third hand I was gonna “stay” and I waited till the clock showed exactly 3:00:00 and at that moment I hit stay.
I lost all 3 hands, but I didn’t place another bet. I wanted to stop that madness right there and miraculously. I didn’t spend the rest of the money I had in the account, but cashed it out. Again, it was a symbolic amount, about 1% of what I had lost that night, but nevertheless it was a new experience for me.

So I’m on day #3 now and I decided not to post here too often until I have that number a little higher.

I want you to be wary however, if you opened a new account and you’re trying to cashout 4300 the same day it’s more than likely they will try and request some kind of account verification first. They’ll want to see your ID, utility bill etc. This is nothing unusual, but in our situation it could be deadly. They might even make the funds available to you in the mean time.
Actually, you did mention that you blocked that account, so you should be alright, but just be careful.

I will write more in a few days / a couple of weeks when I feel more confident in myself.

Regards

[jansdad]

I’m flying home tomorrow and I hope I bring my self up to telling my wife and hand her over the finances. You guys are right. Being dishonest with one person I rely on and respect the most is probably not a good thing.

I’ve always had stashes. I’ve always made more money than we would spend living comfortably (but less than I could lose) and my wife never had any insight in our finances. I’ve never been honest with her in that regards because I was feeding my addiction.
Come wednesday, I will ask her to take over the finances. I wish I had the guts to tell her about my recent losses too, but I just don’t think I will find the strength to do that.
I feel horrible about the whole thing. About being dishonest, about jeopardizing my own family’s future, about the money and time lost. I’m such an a-hole.

[jansdad]

Thanks Fritz. I enjoy reading your posts and I read your journal regularly. I started saving posts that I like and I’ve already saved a couple of yours. So I have them off-line all in one place and can read them when needed or when I feel like.

Yes, just like yours, my brain pulls all kinds of tricks on me.

Anyway, I won’t be posting much next few days or maybe a couple of weeks, but I will be coming here to read.

Take care all.

[Author]

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