[jansdad]

Was very worried the whole day. I know i can go without gambling for a few days maybe even a couple of weeks, but what’s the point when sooner or later I start playing and then lose everything I can lose. It doesn’t really matter if I lose 100 euros a day or refrain from playing for a month and then lose 3K in one day.
That’s how sick I am.

But I’m feeling better and relieved now. I cut a deal with a friend who agreed to give me 1 one euro and if he catches me gambling (from now till Jan 1 2016) I have to give him 20,000 euros.
We take these deals very seriously and if I do gamble and he catches me I would have to give him 20K and that would absolutely ruin me. That in itself should be enough for me not to do anything foolish. I had deals like this in the past and they generally worked very well.
Now that I think about it, I have no idea why I didn’t extend the last similar deal I had like this when it expired with another friend. I could have been a lot richer and a lot less miserable. Maybe I thought I’m cured or maybe I thought a little bit of gambling can do no harm. How wrong and foolish I was…

[jansdad]

I woke up feeling hopeful. But I know I shouldn’t be. I gambled the money I can’t afford to lose only 8 hours ago. And I know I usually feel hopeful in the morning. It’s the evening when the lurking beast in me usually attacks. When my wife and my kid are asleep and I have a couple of hours all to myself. It is then that I begin to rationalize that I can actually win (even though I absolutely positively KNOW I CAN’t) if I stick to my A game. It is then that I decide to put only a 100 or 200.

I had nightmares, worried sick about my future, but yet I feel hopeful this morning. I often feel hopeful in the morning, I know it means nothing. There are no insurances that in a day, two or three, I won’t think again it’s not all that bad and if I only play well I can beat the game. And I know for a fact I’m kidding myself, I know for a fact I can’t ever win.

[Author]

Posts