[jamesn]

Twightlight,

I am sorry about your father’s problems and what you went through. I am determined to minimize the problems my wife may cause to my daughter. The more I read about this addiction, the scarrier it gets. A friend of mine told me a lady who has a successful business, lost over a million dollars, two husbands, and still gambles. This gambling lady told my friend that sometimes she can’t sleep because all she can think about is gambling. Sometimes she would gamble away the salaries of her workers. I have a distance aunt whose husband walked away because of her gambling and left two children with her. Sometimes she doesn’t have money to buy foods for her children and sometimes the utilities get cut off for non payment. I didn’t know about this until my family told me yesterday. Now with a little clearer mind, I think it is possible that my wife will get in similar situations and the reason she hasn’t is because I was always there to bail her out.

Thanks,

[jamesn]

Hi Nomore,

I haven’t thought about the possibility of my wife leaving my daughter in the car and gamble. She has been a wonderful mom so far and I don’t imagine she will do that but it could happens if her addiction gets worst. I will definitely mention this to my attorney.

thanks,

[jamesn]

I met with my attorney yesterday and her team is going ahead to help me to file a legal separation. They will serve my wife’s the papers near the end of this week. This can be changed to divorce if I wish. My attorney assured me that my wife’s gambling debts would be her responsibility and not mine. She suggested that I ask for custody of my daughter for the week days and my wife/grandma for the weekend. She also told me I need to come up with a care plan for my daughter so the court can see that I have a clear and solid plan before they can grant a move away. I will provide transportation for my daughter to and from her mom/grandma.

My attorney also suggested that I sell the house eventually because I can’t rely on my wife making copayments.

Staying away and starting legal separaton have been great therapy for me. Knowing that she is in the casino doesn’t drive me into a panic attack any more but it still makes me feel sad and sorry for her. Deep down I want to go through with the separation. My selfish self wants to enjoy life, do the things I used to enjoy, have financial freedom and no anxiety. I think I have given enough. However, part of me still longing for her to recover and our family whole, especially for my daughter.

Thank you Velvet, Jenny, Twighlight and all of you for your compassion, advice and understanding.

[jamesn]

Jenny, Twighlight,

Thank you for your comments and explaination on how an addict can impact their children lives. I think I will fight for my daughter custody. If this drags out for a while she will be close to 3 which means I can put her in pre-school. Deep down, I want to move far away from my wife. My fear is that staying too close to her, having some feelings for her, and with the well being of daughter in considerations I might succumbed to the temptation of staying with my wife if she again making promises. I really want to move on and start a new life without fear, anxiety, lies and financial distress. I want to provide my daughter a stable and addiction free environment to grow even if it means without her mom’s present every day. I also want to move far away from my wife’s family. Part of me wants my daughter to continue to have a good relationship with grandma and her aunt but part of me just want to get away as far as possible.

[jamesn]

Eventhough my wife has been a great mom so far with zero sign of neglecting my daughter, do you think it is alright to leave my daughter with an addict? My wife has a good support system with her mom and sister (who is in her mid 40s and probably will not remarry). I am so torn over this. Should I fight for custody?

Should I fight for custody but have my mother-in-law take care of my daughter and find a place somewhere near her house to live? To do this, I have to drive an hour to work everyday which I don’t mind.

Can I keep the house, fight for custody of my daughter and pay my wife for the equity and then ask my wife to move? I don’t think my wife can keep the house since she isn’t financially responsible. Sorry for the rambling, I just don’t know what I should do now.

[jamesn]

Hi Velvet,
Yes, I read the GA 20 questions. I sent my wife the link. I am not sure if she pays attention to it or not. If I were to answer them for my wife, the answer would be yes for all of them. But I am sure she will answer them differently. My wife attended GA Anonymous 5 years ago after I left her the first time. At that time she was also seeing a psychiatrist and I think was able to stayed gambling free for a year. My wife finds GA anonymous members to be too rough for her and their problems much worst than hers. She stopped attending after three months.

During her last 10 years. She has one year and a three year periods of gambling free. She was free of gambling 2.5 years before we got married and then 0.5 year after after we got married, a miscarriage at 11 weeks drove her back to the casino. It was this 3-year gambling period that gave me hope. But now I am not so optimistic any more.

Vera, Velvet,
Yes, when I have the opportunity, I will ask security to throw my wife out of the casino. If not for me, at least for my daughter.

I have an appointment to see a lawyer tomorrow and hope to go to court soon for financial separation and hopefully she will be responsible for her own gambling debts. I have to be financially strong so I can provide for my daughter.

If I send her the link of this website, she may read this post and know it is me for sure eventhough my name is different. This will rat out the coworker that has been reporting to me about her absentism and she will know exactly what I think. Is there a similar site that I can send her?

Many thanks,

[jamesn]

San, Velvet, Jenny,

My wife picked up my daughter yesterday. When my daughter saw my wife, she was so happy that she jumped into my wife and kissed her non stop. I think it is best that my daughter stays with my wife with the help of my mother-in-law and her aunt because it is the option with the least disruption and changes to my daughter’s daily routine. Of course, I will be missing but it is better than my daughter missing three care takers. I will try to visit her as regularly as possible.

There is one thing I can do, to again trying to help my wife. Hopefully, this won’t bring me back to the deep of codependency, please give me some advice on whether this is OK to do or not:
Two years ago, one day on a hunch, I knew my wife was gambling so I went to the casino and she was there. I talked to the security people and they kicked her out. She didn’t know I did it. She has never gone back to that casino again. Keep in mind that she signed self-banned forms with all of these casinos but they still allow her to play unless a family member asks them to enforce it then they won’t be able to pretend that they didn’t recognize her. I know that they know exactly who are the problem gamblers but turn a blind eye. I have a friend whom I talked to yesterday and he can let me know when my wife leave early for gambling. I wonder if it would helps her if I go to the casinos while she is gambling and ask security to kicked her out until everyone of them has kicked her out once. I don’t know why she didn’t go back to the casino that kicked her out, whether if it was the embrassment or whatever it was, it helped for at least one of the casino that is closest to her. I want to do this for my daughter. Am I trying to do too much here? Please let me know.

San, I live in Southern California. The court here will also tries to do what is best for my daughter.
Velvet, yes, I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law who has been supportive. My father-in-law has been gambling free for over 20 years.
Today I will go to the gym again and go out for a massage. I know I am still in the midst of this codependency problem because I still think about my wife’s problem too much.

[jamesn]

Thank you again for your understanding and support. My wife, home alone and with nothing to hide anymore, is on a gambling binge. Her brother let me know about this. The last couple of days my daughter has been with me and I know I can’t give her the good care than my wife or my mother-in-law and her aunt can. I have arranged with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law to pick my daughter up on Sunday and they will keep her for now. Going forward I don’t know what to do, here are my possible three options, keep in mind that my work place is near my sister’s house which is a little more than one hour from my current house which is very close to my mother-in-law house.
1) Have my mother-in-law and aunt take care of my daughter. I will live at my sister place and pick my daughter up only for the weekend. My wife will visit there as needed. Not sure if my wife will agree with this or not since she will want to have full custody.
2) My wife will have custody but of course, during the day my mother-in-law will take care of my daughter. My most immediate concern is what happens when my wife hits bottom. Will she be crazy enough to harm herself and my daughter? My family thinks a mother can’t harm her own daughter but I worry about this possibility.
3) My daughter stays with me. Not sure if the court will be OK with this. But as I have mentioned before, I will have to use a baby sitter or Kindercare, none of which is better than my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law.

Right now I am leaning toward number 1 in the short term and long term. Yes, you are right, I have no right to take my daughter away from my wife. I want what is best for my daughter. This morning she woke up and appeared to look for her mom. It is heart breaking to see her misses her mom. Right now she is young enough to not notice my wife’s gambling but what happens when she grows older? Can I get custody when she goes to school or at around 7 or 8 year old age?

Which ever option going forward, my daughter will miss a lot of love either from me or my wife. This hurts me the most. The fact that I or my wife won’t be with her everyday is a big loss for her.

Of course, the best option is for my wife to quit gambling and we are togetther to support my daughter. I have so little hope for this outcome. I can’t live in fear and full of anxiety anymore. The court will probably order us to go through marriage counseling and my wife through therapy or at least wait for a period of 6 months before the final divorce. I don’t know, my wife could tell me that she is all better and I go back. I have done this before after a month separation from my wife so it could happens again. Last time we didn’t have my daughter so this time there are even more reasons for me to go back. However, I am not full of optimism this time that I could “fix her”. I have learned that I can’t fix someone’s addiction. Deep down, I know my wife problem is too great and there is little hope that she will quit.

I don’t know if my present in the past has prevented my wife from hitting bottom. I was always there to handle her debts, telling her that tomorrow will be better, to give her a sense of normalcy and stability. This time I hope I have the courage to let her hit bottom with or without the intention of going back to her.

My father-in-law was a compulsive gambler so my wife probably inherited the addiction genes. My mother-in-law went through I am experiencing right now. He, however, quit and stayed clean after she took the kids and went away. I am not sure if he quit because of a desire for a better life or the lack of income?

[jamesn]

I just found out that I haven’t been crazy at all. My suspicions, turned out to be all true. Previously my wife usually worked in the morning and then took half a day in the afternoon to gamble. Now, she works two hours in the morning, gambles, and then come back to work. She has been calling me from her work place in the morning, and then calling me again before going home. My phone has caller ID so I thought everything was fine as long as she is at work. I can’t believe she would go through the troubles of leaving work mid day to gamble and then come back because the drive to the casino is 40 minute long.
After she can’t lie anymore, she admited to owning loansharks at the casino a lot of money. I asked how much, she refused to say. I asked if it is $50k, she said more. These loansharks don’t report debts in the credit system so credit checks turned up nothing.
I have been warning her that this is the last chance so I took my daughter to my sister house which is more than an hour away. She agreed to let me take my 2 year daughter. I know now she will go on a binge with her borrowing from banks since she has zero debts through creditcard companies and banks right now.
I am looking for a lawyer to hopefully and officially gain temporary custody of our daughter and financial separation from my wife so that her gambling debts are hers alone. I hope to have enough courage to go thru the divorce. I can’t imagine going back again. My 2-year old daughter appears to miss her mom last night. I am praying. For me and my daughter, I want to go through this. My mother in law has been taking good care of my daughter so it is hard to take my daughter away from her. My mother in law begged to allow her to watch my daughter but I don’t want to see my wife again and my sister’s house is more than an hour away. My wife is so good with taking care of my daughter. I need to learn real fast. I am not sure what to do now. I feel so empty after we have been togetther for 15 years.

Before I took my daughter away yesterday. My wife went on a relentless personal attack against me and how she shouldn’t have married me. I have done nothing but being supportive and tried my best to keep the family appears normal. I know I am far from perfect but I don’t deserve much of her accusations.

Velvet, my fishing and golfing hobbies take about 5-6 hours per outing. Two years ago, my wife went gambling whenever I was out so it gives me a lot of anxiety.

Thank you Jenny, Velvet and all of you for understanding what I am going through and giving me advice. Reading your posts has been very good therapy for me.

[jamesn]

My wife finally joined a Toastmaster club. It is a positive step and hopefully it aids her recovery. I don’t know how long she will stick with it. She has trouble making friends after coming to this country when she was 26. She didn’t speak English and when she was in college had troubles connecting with younger kids with American culture. I think her loneliness is the underlying problem here. I hope she will gain more confidence and social skills with Toastmaster. I have gone thru too many F&F cycles. I want to leave but my daughter is so young. Half of my wife take home income has gone to finance her gambling. Financially we are not too hurting because we are able to max out 401k contributions in hers and my accounts. We are also able to make the payments for our 15 year mortgage. I am angry about her lies and the rainy day fund that we should have but don’t. The last year, I don’t have any evidence that she is gambling and her credit check came up nothing. I have became too suspicious of everything which I know is not healthy for me. There are many occasions when I was so sure that she was gambling only to found out that she wasn’t. I want to join a support group or see a psychiatrist but have had the courage to. I hope to be able to encourage her to pick up healthy activities. I also want to go back to playing golf, and fishing with friends to help me recover from this.

[jamesn]

I accidently saw a text message on my wife’s phone that reads “Please give it to me by end of the month, I need it” from someone and this of course drove me into another anxiety episode. My wife explained to me that was one of her coworker’s asking for a sample test for a certificate program at work. And my negative self interpreted it as someone asking for their money back. If you have read my past posts, I periodically have anxiety due to my wife’s gambling problem. Last time it was my travel to Mexico but it turned out uneventful. I am working on minimizing my anxiety problem with mindfulness, and hypnotherapy CDs and it seems to ease the problem but I can’t get rid of it entirely. Reading your posts also give me a lot of helpful insights. I just want to share my thoughts.

[jamesn]

Hi Nomore,
I am so glad that your husband is able to overcome his addiction. Hope he will be gambling free in the future.
I am already doing many items that you suggested.
I have credit monitoring for me and my wife. I have access and control to my wife’s bank account and I make sure that the balance doesn’t go above $400. She has no check book. All accounts are now separated. I pay all bills. I had long talks with friends and relatives who used to lend my wife money.
I know that we are financially secure for now but I know it can be gone very quickly.

Many thanks,

[jamesn]

Hi Velvet,

I think just the fact that she gambled during my last two trips (3, and 4 years ago) unsettled me. For the same reason I excused myself on a few trips that my boss had wanted me to go and I asked a Junior Engineer to take my place.

In the past couple of months my wife communicated to a gambler friend of hers and one time I overheard about repaying a loan but wasn’t sure from whom to whom. My wife said her friend is paying her back some money. I don’t want my wife to be in touch with these gambling friends so the fact that she is talking to them concerns me. Recently my wife also disappears for long periods of time at work which is also a red flag.

Thank you very much Velvet. I know that my anxiety is unhealthy and I am trying to overcome it.

[jamesn]

Next week I will travel for two days to make product presentation to a few prospective customers. As I am ready to go, I am filled with anxiety again. The last time I traveled 3 years ago, she went gambling and it was also true the time before that. This time we have a daughter but I think she might ditch work and gamble. I should enjoy this opportunity to travel with colleagues and a chance to go out of the country but I am not.

I have a nagging feeling that she is gambling sporadically the last few months. However, I have no evidence as her credit and bank account are untouched. I also contacted friends that she used to borrow money from and they confirmed that she has not borrowed any money lately. Previously anytime she gambled, she spiraled out and raking up debts quickly. I hope it is just my imagination. One small positive step that I have observed is that my wife is generally much more happy since my daughter was born and it has been about two years since I have concrete evidence of her gambling and if she is gambling, she is at a much reduced level.

I am telling myself that I have tried my best and there is nothing else I could do to help and it has to come from her. My wife on average lost about half of her take home income to gambling the last several years. Sometimes I try to justify my current situation as marrying to a wife with half the income but I know it is not the same with all the lies, argument, and anxiety.

Thanks for reading.

[jamesn]

Thank you ell, velvet and monique for your kind words and wisdom. I am glad to see that others who were like me but are able to overcome the problems that I am facing. I cared too much and tried to fix things which I finally understood that I have no power over after 10 years. I have no regret coming back to my wife 4 years ago even though my family warned me that I should move on. I love my wife and thought that I could help her free from this evil. I thought I would never walk away from her if she had cancer and gambling seems to be more treatable at least from my own logic. It turned out to be more daunting than I ever thought it would be. I don’t know if I still love my wife any more because sometimes she is like a total stranger to me and none of what she says make sense. My beautiful daughter is the love of my life right now. I don’t know what is the best for her yet. I am trying mediation and guided relaxation so I can overcome my anxiety and it seems to help me clear my mind.

My wife used to like to go out with me for dinner and movies or go hiking. She refused to to try them now. She has some friends but her relationships to them seems superficial. She never share with them her problems. She talks tough but is really fragile inside. I urged her to see a psychiatrist but she refuses. She attended GA for two months but then told me that seeing these people with gambling problems make her depress.

Thank you for reading,
James

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