[jamesn]

Hi again everyone,

I want to give an update to my situation. The divorce was finally completed last month after many delays. My daughter is doing well and love going to her preschool. She spends two weekends per month with her mom. My ex still goes to the casino regularly and sadly she takes my daughter there to have dinner at the buffet sometimes. Most of her friends hang out around the casino. Legally I have no right to prevent her from doing it. I told my ex to leave my daughter with grandma (her mom) if she wants to have dinner there. She agreed but I know she still take my daughter to the casino for buffet dinner. I worry that she may forget about my daughter one day. I told my ex that if she is busy, I am OK with taking care of my daughter. She took the offer immediately, my daughter supposed to be with her during this July 4 holiday weekend but I am with my daughter now. I need a break sometimes, but am OK with that.
Besides this, my life is going very well. I have a girlfriend. She is single, never married and 10 years younger than me. We have many similarities and common interests and we are getting serious. I am dealing with some trust issues but my girlfriend is extremely patient and she understands about my situation and what I have gone through. I received another promotion at work and financially I am secured. Overall I am happy with my life. I know that I made the right decision for me and my daughter.
Many thanks for reading and for your advice. I hope my story gives some of you hope. I have learned so much during the last year and mentally I am much stronger.
J

[jamesn]

I want to update on my current situation. I am adjusting very well to my new life. My daughter is going to preschool and she loves it. I enjoy being a single dad and I found out that I am a very good father. Right now I live so free and happy. Somehow this even has changed my life for the better. I had general anxiety my entirely life and my wife’s gambling problems only made it worst. Currently I am able to focus and live in the present. I don’t spend excessive amounts of time worrying about the future any more. Not that I didn’t have moments of happiness in my life previously but now 95% of the time, I am so happy, calm and relaxed at home, at work and in social situations. I always admired people who are cool and composed. I think I am one of them now and I move through life with ease. I used to stress out worrying how people think of me but that somehow magically disappeared. Being alone also stressed me out but I don’t feel lonely anymore. I am satisfied with my life right now and I don’t need another person to make me feel happy. I think it is the combination of reading self-help books, going to therapy, joining Toastmasters and practicing yoga and meditation has helped me. I now have learned to enjoy life, being positive, and believe that I am entirely in control of my own happiness. I don’t blame my wife for making my life miserable any more. It was my decision to stay with her and now it is my decision to end my relationship with her. Before if someone cut me off on the road, I would be angry and curse. Now if someone cut me off on the road, I would tell myself “that person probably has an emergency” and whether that is true or not it keeps me from getting angry. The realization that I am responsible for my own happiness has changed everything. I am having much better relationships with people around me. I focus on the positive qualities in people now and that makes me a friendlier person. I realize that when I am happy, it is hard to hate people. I used to hate a few colleagues who were jealous of my professional success but I now feel sorry for them because I know they hatred came from their own insecurities and unhappiness. I am able to reduce the tension between us and when I don’t hate them anymore, I think they also recognize it. We can’t hide our disdain for people no matter how hard we try to fake it.

I want to share my success story with you and hopefully help you to overcome your problems like I did. Sometimes in the midst of codependency, we don’t see a way out but happiness is possible if we take responsibility for our own happiness and believe that we deserve to live an anxiety free life. Good luck to you all and thank you every body for helping me.

[jamesn]

Hi Velvet,

Thank you for your understanding and insight. I was a little shocked that they are putting some of the blame on me. I realized that they are my wife’s family and naturally defend her when possible. I posted my previous message with my phone during a break from work so I am unable to join your therapy group.

[jamesn]

Thank you Vera, Velvet, Ell and Jenny,

I also notice my recovery. I feel like I am normal again. Although the divorce paperworks and the ocassional arguments with my wife still make it stressful sometimes. My daughter is coping well and I hope this doesn’t have lasting impact on her. I still hope her mom stays involve in her life rather than running to another state to live. I am not sure that is the reason for doing that. I checked where she applied and there are a bunch of casinos in that area too.

Yesterday my wife’s sister wanted to talk to me so we met at a cafe. She told me that there are two sides to any problem and my wife has been telling her family that I am a bad husband. My wife told her family that she only gambles her own money and that as a husband with a decent salary, I should be able to provide for the family and stop complaining. I told my wife’s sister that I rather my wife stays home not working and not gamble. It is not just the money but the lies and the depression and anger that go associate with gambling. My wife also told her family that she wanted to have a $3000 necklace but I didn’t buy for her. I explained to her sister that the last time I bought my wife a $2000 bracelet it ended up in the pawnshop a few months later along with the diamond wedding ring. Since then I told my wife that I will not buy jewelry for her again. I think I am far from perfect but I am not the main reason for her gambling. Her family also susggested that since my wife brings home over $3000 a month after taxes why don’t I budget $1000/month for my wife so she can gamble freely without hiding and lying. I explained to my sister-in-law that I thought about it already but this plan doesn’t work for someone like my wife just like a drug addict can never shoot up a little cocaine and hope to keep it under control.

I think her family doesn’t fully understand my wife’s problem since they seem to point out that I am the problem. I don’t want to explain to them anymore.

[jamesn]

My wife turned combative today. Suddenly she wants me to keep my daughter full time. She told me her mom doesn’t want to watch my daughter anymore since I want to have main custody. “You want to have custody so bad, why don’t you start now? You think it is easy?”, she said. She wants me to pick up my daughter now. I told her to give me a few days to find a baby sitter. She was very angry. I don’t know where it came from. Perhaps her mom is angry that I am going through with the divorce, it is also possible that my wife makes everything up to put pressure on me. I think she might have been angry at my nonresponsiveness to her threat to move. Frankly, I am not suprise at any of her antics and manipulation now. She is probably very angry. Mentally I am done with her. I am also surprise that I am so calm. Hopefully she doesn’t escalate the situation.
I enrolled my daughter into a preschool (M to F) but it won’t start until September 2. It is certainly hard to find some place for 6 weeks but I will manage.

What do you think? Is she trying to manipulate me again?

Many thanks,

[jamesn]

Today when I drove my daughter back to her she told me that I should be ready to take care my daughter full time because she is applying within her company to move to an out-of-state location. Her company has many locations throughout the country. The current arrangement is that I have my daughter on the weekends and she has my daughter on weekdays but the arrangement changes in September when my daughter will be with me weekdays and with my wife on weekends.

I believe this is an empty threat. It worked before for her a long time ago. She was in a gambling binge, I confronted her, she threatened to move and I backed down.

Today my replied to her was “OK, I can take care of my daughter full time if that is what you want”. I was calm and did not react to her threat. My wife has told my brother’s wife that she doesn’t think I could take care of my daughter alone. It is certainly hard but I can. However, I don’t believe my wife will move away. If she does, I hope she moves to some place that doesn’t have casinos.

I met with a therapist for a second time last week. She suggested that my childhood may have something to do with my codependency issue. I grew up my grandparents until 12 while my other sibblings lived with my parents. My grandfather was a family patriarch and he simply liked me and told my mom that I would live with him. My mom didn’t have any say. Although my grandfather loved me, my grandmother was cold and mean to me.

My therapist also asked about my wife’s background. My wife’s father was also a compulsive gambler and caused her family financial troubles. My wife had to work early to support her mom. She moved to the US, worked full time while going to college to send money back to helped her family. She didn’t hang out with her college classmates either because she was working fulltime or because she didn’t fit in culturally and she was much older than most of them. She didn’t start gambling until her whole family moved here. My therapist said that my wife’s life burden was hard on her and initially she may have thought a little gambling can be harmless entertainment because she deserves it. My therapist told me that this is not to excuse my wife’s gambling problem but something that I should have knowledge of.

Thanks,

[jamesn]

Hi Sherry,
Last week I saw my wife and she looks so sad and I was also wondering if I have tried hard enough in the last 10 years to help her. The thought that she might kill herself also crossed my mind. I think you [and I] have done everything we could already. Now I have to constantly remind myself that I have no control over any of this. I don’t think you have any control either. The only thing we can do now is to try to live a healthy life. I am sorry about the financial problems that you are facing. I wonder if you can declare bankruptcy where you live and start from scratch. My situation is not as dire but if I stay with my wife we could be in that situation at anytime. The first time I left my wife 4.5 years ago she also told me like what your husband told you. I was the only thing that kept her going totally out of control. However, the personal costs to me was tremendous. I lived in constant fear and anxiety of my wife gambling again, of not knowing how much debt we have, whether she is at work or at a casino, and calling her repeatedly to check where she is and if she doesn’t pick up the phone I would have a panic attack, I gave up my hobbies, friends and stayed home to “watch” my wife. I realized that it is not a healthy lifestyle. We made to many sacrifices already and it is time for them to be responsible for their own lives. I hope you stay strong and wish you the best.

[jamesn]

Here is an update on my situation. I have moved again. I moved from my sister’s house to my brother’s house which is only 2 miles away. He is single and non judgemental and not telling me what to do. Initially I thought my sister would be able to help me with my daughter but now I find her and her husband’s suggestions tiresome. I want to divorce my wife. I also don’t want any discussion about finding a new partner right now because it is too early. Suddenly I like the feeling of living alone right now. I don’t have to be responsible for anyone but myself and my daughter. It is lonely sometimes but also very peaceful.

I will meet with a Psychologist for the first time tomorrow. I hope she can help me to deal with the challenges that I am facing.

I have the ability to check to see how much my wife has lost during the last few weeks with bank account and credit check but I find the urge not as strong as before and I will try not to check them out. I also stopped talking to a friend who is my wife’s coworker to see if my wife is still missing work. I think it is pointless and may delay my own recovery. I hope this is a good sign. My Attorney assured me that any loss will be my wife’s problem. Luckily, we have no joint account. We will try to sell the house in a couple of months and split up our 401K balances. I am naturally a long term planner and I find myself worry about what my wife will do with the money. I hope she will buy a small condo so my daughter will have a decent and stable place to stay during the weekends. My wife will get about $140K cash [from the home equity] and about $140K in 401K but I worry that she will squander that money. I have no control over it but I worry anyway. I hope I can get let go of these thoughts soon. My uncle told me that I am a frugal person who plans far ahead so I will never be able to make it work with my wife. I think he is correct.

I put my daughter’s name into a preschool waitlist for one of the best church based preschool in the area. Luckily, they are expanding the school and my daughter is now scheduled to attend there starting on September 2. I spent an hour there to check the facilities, observe the students and teachers and their interactions and I think it is a wonderful preschool. I visited four preschools and this is by far the best.

Hi Mred, it is good to know that your daughter is OK so far. I read somewhere that children of compulsive gamblers have a 25% chance of inheriting the addiction genes. I hope my daughter doesn’t have it.

Velvet, so far I am unable to join your live help session. I hope to make it this week.

Vera, I think I am OK with my wife and her family taking care of my daughter during the weekend. I need a break too. I will have full legal custody. I will ask my attorney whether I could request the judge to ensure that my wife doesn’t gamble when she has custody of my daughter and she will not take my daughter to any gambling establishment. I also want the judge to request my wife to go through gambling therapy in order to have the rights to see my daughter during the weekends. Any violation could result in the complete lost of physical custody. My wife has been a wonderful mom so far but like you said she may get worst.

[jamesn]

Hi Mred,
I am sorry that your father did this to you. I hope to help my daughter avoid the same fate. I hope she didn’t pick up the addiction genes from her mom.
I wonder if I can request the judge to allow my wife to be with my daughter only in the present of her family and she is not allowed to take my daughter to any gambling establishment and that she will have to go through professional therapy. I will discuss this with my attorney. However it will take a longtime. What is frustrating about this is that my family is not very supportive of my decision. They all think I should give my wife another chance. Some think that I should leave my daughter with her because she’s not that bad. There is such a attitude against single fathers. I had my daughter for this weekend and she came down with a fever yesterday 10 hours after I picked her up from her mom. My family is blaming me and telling that I can’t take care of my daughter. I didn’t want to argue but an infection incubation period is at least a day, much more than 10 hour period to develop. They think i should remarry and leave my daughter with my wife and her family but i dont think i can do this. Deep down I don’t have any hope that my wife will turn her life around. I lived in fear and anxiety for 10 years already. When she went gambling at 6 month pregnant it shocked me and I knew that I made a major mistake. Some of my family also reminded me that I chose to come back to her and they have warned me. I know I made that decision and there is no need to remind me of that. I was wrong and I can’t change that. The only thing I can do now is to move forward with my plan so that I could protect my daughter.

I will try to set up a meeting with a psychologist tomorrow to help me to deal with the grief of divorce and codependency issue. My grandparents raised me from the age of 3 to 10 away from my parents and I always hated that. I don’t know if that is the root cause of my anxiety and codependency issue or not.

[jamesn]

Hi Jenny,

I understand your point, why should I leave my wife for my own peace of mind and left my daughter there to possibly suffer the addiction?

My wife has turned very combative, she called my brother’s wife and in a very loud voice and angry tone declared that her lawyer told her that she will win custody. She probably didn’t tell her own lawyer that she has a gambling addiction because she is still in denial. I think she is very angry at me right now. I left her, I tried to take her child away from her, she blamed me for her family turning against her. If I ask for total custody and give her only visitation, she will be much more angry and may use my child against me. I feel that she will not endanger our child. She could, at anytime drop off our daughter at her mom’s house. Yes, you mentioned the possibility that my wife’s addiction will get worst. That is my worst fear. I will discuss this with my attorney.

Thanks,

[jamesn]

I thought we could mediate. My proposal that she has my daughter for Fri, Sat, and Sun is very reasonable. She told my sister-in-law that I am using my daughter to punish her and that she would fight this in court. I just want the best for my daughter and have no thought of using my daughter as a revenge tool. I hope her lawyer is smart enough to mediate. Of course, she probably tells her lawyer that she doesn’t have a gambling problem. My wife has a very selective memory and the terrifying thing is that she believes her delusional version of reality. My sister-in-law is trying to convince my wife that my offer is very fair. I also offered to evenly split our assets which will be around $250k for each of us between the 401K balances and home equity. I am responsible for most of this money but that is fine. I just want to move on. I hope it doesn’t come to where I and my lawyer have to dig up all the financial records, callup friends and relatives to testify that she has borrowed money from them. Digging up the pawnshop records and pulling out bank statements where she had wrote badchecks. She also has numerous creditcard debts from high interest loan companies. I hope it doesn’t get nasty and we remain amicable to support our daughter. I will let you know what happens next.

I was very reluctant to go through this divorce and was even thinking there might be a very small chance that we could be togetther for the sake of our daughter. I am determined to divorce her now.

[jamesn]

Velvet,

So far my wife’s gambling has not impacted my daughter emotionally or physically.

However, my wife has done a few terrible things in the past:

1. She pawned her wedding ring and bracelet
2. She wrote $15k worth of bad checks
3. She borrowed money from friends and told them that I am a stingy husband not giving her money to spend
4. She took money out of her employee’s club at her company where she is a treasurer. She eventually put the money back without anyone noticing
5. She borrowed from loansharks and high rate credit cards companies
6. One time she gambled for 48 hours non-stop after I left the house the first time

Her credit is at 800 right now, which is almost flawless. It is like this because I always helped to payoff the debts because her debts were also my debts. Now with the legal separation I don’t know how long before she ruins her credit. But at least it won’t be my problem anymore.

I don’t know if these actions are extreme or not or they are just the typical actions for the average compulsive gamblers.

Yes, Velvet, I will try to not comdemn my wife anymore. I am in the process of trying to forgive my wife and what she has done to me, to herself and to our daughter. Not because I want to come back but I just want to move on and get rid of my anger. I just want to be able to accept things as they are.

In buddhist’s teachings, when you marry someone, you owed that person something or harmed that person in your past life. The idea is that marriage is extremly difficult and people are only living togetther to back debts owed in previous lives. My mother-in-law told me that perhaps I owed her daughter something in my previous life and now I have done paying off this debt the last 10 years so now I can go free. I almost smile when I heard this. May be it is true 🙂

[jamesn]

Currently I am seeking to have custody of my daughter Mon-Thu and my wife Fri-Sun. Whether my wife agrees to this or not is another matter. I proposed the idea and my wife seems to resist. I hope we don’t have to fight in court over this. Right now my wife has my daughter and I miss my her terribly. I miss the moment when my wife drives her home and I go out and pick her up from the car seat and she would smiles at me.

My job, my family and my friends and basically my hometown is a little more than an hour away where my house is right now. I have been driving this far to work for a few years and my desire is to move back here to be closer to my family, job and perhaps getting away from my wife. If I live in my hometown, I get out of work at 4:00 and have a lot of time with my baby. I can take her to swimming lessons and other fun activities.

I have another option that I am thinking about. If I win main custody, I can buy my wife out of the house and stay close to her and her family. I would drop my daughter off at grandma’s house in the morning [or school when she is older]. My wife would stop by her mom house to be with her for about two hours before I pick her up for the day. My wife then can have her for the weekend. This way she will see both of us on most days.

Do you have any suggestion? I realize that it will be up to me but I am so confused. I really want to live close to my family and support system. My fear is that by staying too close to my wife I may come back to her. Also, with living too far from work and driving 2.5 hours a day. I don’t have much time to spend with my daughter anyway.

I told my wife that if our daughter stays with me on Monday to Thursday in my hometown. I will set up cameras on our big screen TVs so she and my daughter can have face time on those days. I think this will help all of us and hopefully reduce my wife’s resistant to letting me have my daughter from Mon – Thu. I have found a wonderful and inexpensive church based preschool program for kids 2 to 6 for my daughter. Hopefully I can enroll her here. We are buddhist but I am open to the idea of my daughter being exposed to the church’s teachings.
http://www.stwilfridschurch.org/#/preschool/our-program

many thanks for your advice.

[jamesn]

Nychantal,

I was in your situation 10 years ago and understand the anger, disappointment, and hope that you are going through now. I was optimistic that I could change my wife. 10 years later, $300,000 lost and we have a 2-year old daughter and I am filing for legal separation but ultimately it will be a divorce. The pain, heartache, and anxiety during this 10 years is unbearable and no one should experience it. You are still young. I just want you to know that my wife on many ocassions genuinely wants to stop gambling but she always come back to it.

My wife, intially borrowed my money to pay debts and she also usually paid them back too. But then the problem got worst and worst. She started to pawn her wedding ring and bracelet. Wrote bad checks and took money from an organization where she is a treasurer.

I know you are feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I had and currently having the same feeling. I wanted to leave her so many times but she ran out of money and then begged me to come back because she has learned her lessons and she was determine to give it up this time. We would be happy for a while and then the problem comes back again. It is amazingly diffcult to deal with the betrayal, and disappointments. At the end, we have a daughter and I thought this will surely changes her. Oh boy, I was so wrong.

Hope my story sheds some light for you.

[jamesn]

Hi sjb,

Thank you for writing your story. You inspired me. My wife is a CG and I too tried to fix her for 10 years because I thought with love we can overcome anything. I also gave up. I started the legal separation process earlier this week. I hope to have the courage to finalize the divorce.

[Author]

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