[Jacquespaul]

Thankyou for all of your recent posts and I have read them many times.
I have been to the doctor’s today with my brother who came to visit all the way from Essex, I’m in Crowthorne.
Told all to a nice lady doctor. We have a plan of sonesort and will take the fluoxetine tablets and start to rebuild.
Will call Gamcare, but if anyone has any other suggestions I will look at those. My nearest gavmeeting would be reading but cannot get there in my failing car and with and failed finances.
Thanks again

I will not gamble

[Jacquespaul]

The banks have a special section meant to read

[Jacquespaul]

Now my brother wants to come and see me to help. I’m am finding it Very difficult with this help and now the disruption in their lives.
They somehow believe I can recover and insists it is possible. But I have severe doubts about this as I cannot picture it. They insist I goto doctor again this week and maybe get medication. They say contact bank to explain situation. They say they are there for me. But what happens when everything collapses, I lose my job, rented flat, i am at work now, but not functioning after all that has happened and its Very hard to see any recovery from this situation. Others disagree but they do so only because they hope and not because they know. I do not know what to do next. Do I go Into work tommorow? Do I tell Work? Can I function on the Monday in work? Do I goto the GP Monday. I do not know what to do. I am very tired and the last 4-5 days have had an enormous effect on me. I am numb, paralysed and uncertain. I think I may be to damaged to even try.
Thus is just an update and my thoughts nothing more.

[Jacquespaul]

I do want to quit with all my heart. I want my life back.
It is true I continued because it takes me away from depression and other life issues. I wish I had never started ever and lead a normal like. I didn’t so that’s that – I’m sorry and messed up very deeply and cannot recover to any firm of life. I hate myself.

[Jacquespaul]

Well I’m bizarly at work atm. Such a sense of duty I have.
But headache no sleep. A promise of it will be alright from daughter, a fruitless trip to A & E. And more thoughts in the middle for the short night about i wish it was ended. There is no way ahead with so so many issues and stuff. Too much for me to handle and sort out and too much to take. I have little enegy and motivation in the light of this vast enormous bad unrecoverable situation. I want to just instantly make it stop. My daughter has returned to portsmouth probably distraught at the NHS as she thought that was the answer last night for me. It is not, I am lost in myself and lost to this world. My partner who is in France with his family cannot help. I am past helping now it seems. My Auntie Hilary wants to help, but the short term suggestions although admirable will not sustain me for long as The guilt / Shame / messed up head will unravel into …..
I have no options, I cannot see the light, thankyou for posting all of you and it makes me sad I cannot put even a small step foward. I am tired now.

[Jacquespaul]

Now my daughter rang 111 and now I’m at A & E probably about to be sectioned. O dear

[Jacquespaul]

Now home from London. Looking at all my problems again and it is insurmountable. My daughter on way up. I have no money. No money to pay bills. Eat. Goto work. What happens when rent can’t be paid at the end of month and others bills and credit cards can’t be paid. Gee so many other things as well. My head is now hurting again and i hate this life despite some lovelly people who want to help. But I’m passed helping and have been a damn fool and don’t know why. Damn maybe I should have jumped after all…
I cannot see a light at all. Nothing now.
Last week maybe, 2 weeks ago possibly, 3 weeks ago yes and a month ago definitely. But I gambled all the money away and have less than nothing.
All of you stop stop now before you get to the real real bottom of a hole and there is no way up for sure.

[Jacquespaul]

Well that was not fun. On the edge looking down 12th Floor when my phone rings (unusual as it’s normally on silent) my daughter it was. So I ***** not do it as needed to answer her. Then after a chat climes back over railing and went back down to hotel room for more talks with my daughter. I go home now and she is driving up to to see me. Damn it how has it come to this is beyond me. I’m still going to lose everything and dont know what will happen to me now. Thanks for reading and don’t gamble please now or in The future. A royal navy veteran is now at rock bottom…

[Jacquespaul]

If you win all Well and good. Then just stop stop stop. Because you could be like me. Win. Even increase in winnings. Lose yourself to gambling. Then lose everything, then suicide then you fucked up other people’s life as well as your own. Please don’t do that. Do not take the next bet which will lead to ultimate destruction. Believe me it can get very real very fast and then the self destruction is devastating to all and not least yourself as it will inevitably end in yout death because not only of the guilt/ shame / remorse/ but you have lost everything you gained either by luck or your hard work.

All of you its simple – fucking stopbright now before it’s to late.

It’s to late for me I realise but I want a strong message to be learnt – up now, down now, stop stop now.
Enjoy the simple pleasures in life and if you haven’t depression cool. Even more to stop. Enjoy your life in different ways and look after your friend and family’s
Looking out for depression ECT cos it’s a killer.. I know as I am dead v soon.
Hard hitting stuff – take it in its real. You will lose everything and die and do untold damage to your family.
I know I am going to do that but have no choice I think and I cannot go on. Depression is a killer. I am not a coward as it ducking takes a lot to kill your self… goodbye..

[Jacquespaul]

Hi. You have kind words. But going to gp/authoritirs/professional will not help me. I have lost too much for any repair. If I do go for help I will lose more than I have now ( which is next to nothing) so no choice I think… I would lose job become bankrupt and homeless in quick time. One reason while I held on this far. The fear of losing everything.. although just about to lose my life…

[Jacquespaul]

As predicted many months ago and with all good intentions to stop before it was too late. Alas it did not happen.
My demise is complete. My partner who has been a great source of comfort lately has just about given up on me. In debt again with loans and overdraft over and credit card debt. So it’s all over for me now really. No way back, no one to help and bail me out for a final time. What can I expect I ruined everything and the end is near. A failed suicide attempt yesterday left my neck hurting and bruised. Today is another attempt I’m sure. There is no Way back. My partner has nearly and rightly abandoned me and although I have a few people who care there is no hope and I cannot live with the losses I have had and with that money I could have madeb my daughter better off and more happy. My partner more happy. But I was consumed and that’s it. I am in chaos with life on every aspect and will leavev chaos behind after I’m gone. But I cannot go on. I have ruined everything and its better I leave before I do more damage in life. I can’t sleep , eat and look after myself properly. I am overwhelmed by life events (moving house, gambling, a failing car, a failing at work) I could name more. I am not functioning basically and its now all gone and over. (I cannot be that homeless man on the streets of london). Which i always predict for myself. 22 years in the navy (fought for my country in 3 wars / Iraq x2 and Yugoslavia war, and look at me now I have and am nothing…
All take heed – please stop gambling right now if you have a chance to in life.
It is hard and I am consumed by my losses. And ruined now other peoples life because of this situation. Gee whiz, damn it . How did it go so wrong so suddenly. O well it has and no one can help me….

[Jacquespaul]

Today I will not gamble.

[Jacquespaul]

It’s been exactly a month since I win that big money on poker.
I have been preoccupied with gambling for a month now. Nearly every day on every horse race nearly. Went up, went down to the brink and up again and down to the brink and so on it continued. I feel sick now when I gamble so need to stop and get back to my fitness and sports which has taken a bsck seat. If i stop im well up. This is a problem as I feel i no value on money. It’s just numbers. , Betting makes you sick.

[Jacquespaul]

They give me a bonus amount of money for free. Well sure i have to take it and try to win a bit more. Sure I did win then losevthen win. But I betted more than what they gave me To get up. Felt sick whilst doing it as well. Withdrawn it all now. Maybe I should ban myself from bookies online sites.
I will think about it.

[Jacquespaul]

If you win you will lose bigger in the long run I agree.

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