[jackwilson]

More of a nightmare. I dreamt that I was playing online blackjack and sports betting at the same time, completely disregarding my family and not being attentive. The dream felt so real. In the dream, I was winning large sums of money but I had some technical difficulty with the software and I was desperately trying everything in order to fix it so that I can get my fix on. I woke up extremely tired, but glad that my dream was just a dream.

This brings up an interesting point. I love the person who I am after a huge loss. Humble, compassionate, self-reflective. I’d feel real with none of the irritable and agitated behavior as if I’m free. Look back at my posts, I miss that feeling. There was a lot of shame, regret and guilt as well, but as those feelings left, the positive feelings are gone as well. Now, I feel like I’m back in the rat race of ramping up the irritability and coldness until the point where I can’t handle it anymore, and need to gamble in order to release it.

I just want to maintain the sweet, compassionate and warm me without having to go through hell to get there. One day at a time. I have to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings.

[jackwilson]

It brings me great joy to read your post and how well life is going for you. It gives me inspiration that with one day at a time, I too, will have years of gambling behind me and days of joy in front of me.

Have a great time with your grandson and good luck with your the paperwork for your house.

-Jack

[jackwilson]

I feel great today. I started to feel better yesterday once I was mindful of what was going on and accepted it. Today, I have high energy and clarity of the mind. It really to show that if we could handle the bad days, there’ll be more good days in front of us.

I will cherish today, one day at a time.

[jackwilson]

My passion was football as well. I used to stay up all night watching the world cup. Some of my earliest memories are those watching the world cup with my father. Because of sports betting, I can no longer watch the world cup this year. I get too angry when I watch the games. I would think that I know the outcome of the matches and if I happen to be right, think that I “lost” money since I didn’t have money riding on the game.

Along with many other things, gambling has rid me of one of my greatest enjoyment in life.

[jackwilson]

danchaser,

Thank you for writing here. The writing, insights and stream of consciousness are phenomenal. I have a glimpse of what my life could look like in 13 years if I continue to gamble. I’ve copied a few lines below because they express exactly what I’m trying to convey, except you’ve done so with a sense of wit and earnest that I can’t replicate. Wherever you are, I hope you come back to the forum, danchaser.
———————————————————————–
two years into my recovery – when I decided there’d be nothing wrong with a small, sure-bet on a baseball game. Which it was, I won. But I didn’t stop there, I kept playing and winning and was up substantially. But then I went on a mini – and when I say mini, it was only 5% of my winnings – losing streak. Well, of course I had to make this back.

This time I know this critical thing: I CAN’T WIN! I can’t. Even when I win, I lose. But it’s OK that I lost. Hell, I was stressing out every day watching and paying attention to stupid MLB games that I normally switch the channel on instead of paying attention to the important people and things in my life.

It’s maddening. Not because I would have been up again, that’s not it. I’d have eventually given that back too. It’s the always telling myself what I should have done: should have doubled down, shouldn’t have ‘hit’, should have bet more/less on that hand/game, etc.

I was able to look my kids in the eyes and focus on what they were saying since my mind wasn’t preoccupied with which team was ahead/behind in whatever game I had placed a bet.

For me, over time, the anguish of the losses fade and are replaced by the memory of the winnings. The winnings are simply awesome. Sitting at a blackjack table with two, three or four stacks of chips 7-8 inches high with no end in sight is an incomparable rush. And this is what I eventually, ONLY remember: the profitable gambling outings and the depriving reality of my choice of not allowing myself to continue. 100% textbook addiction, no question about it, but it’s how it works for me.

“we desperately want our money back and the only way to do so in satisfatory manner is to win it back via the same manner in which we lost it. ”

Another thing I do is this: read the damn sports lines. When I read them and think to myself “so and so should cover that line”, or “those teams will easily cover the over/under”…nothing good will come of this. I simply remember the times I would have won – secretly regretting the fact that I didn’t have money on those games – while disregarding the times I would have lost since I conveniently have no action on those games and thus don’t feel the sting. It’s a win-win for my addiction and I have again set myself up to gamble again.

The other thing I have to understand is that I will always lose..in the end. This is coming from a pretty decent gambler. I can win 80% of the time I play and go home with the money. I can literally do this. But I have a problem. This problem is that I’m a compulsive gambler and I cannot accept a loss, no matter how small and cannot accept a win, no matter how big. I simply keep playing until the money is gone. Doesn’t matter if it takes a day, week, month or year, I’ll play until the last dollar in my pocket.

[jackwilson]

I know that it’s part of the recovery process that I will have some of these days when I’m not feeling the best. These are important days. I need to continue to believe that things will work out if I don’t gamble. The thoughts of winning are coming back into my head. The euphoric highs and the regrets of not quitting while I was up $44k, only a mere 10 days ago. It’s funny when I think back of gambling, I think back of the wins, the great memories, but the devastating loses are easily forgotten. I MUST NOT forget all the pain and torture this disease has caused me over the years. The tens of thousands of wasted hours.

I have to get through today. I have to be productive today. It’s going to be a challenge but no one said this was going to be easy.

I don’t have clarity of thought today and will just leave it at this. Thank you for reading.

[jackwilson]

the most important thing is that you’re willing to face your problem head on. You have two beautiful children and a husband who loves you. Gambling was part of your past and you can never change that, but now, you have so much to look forward to.

Congrats on getting to 10 days, and continue to post on here. At least for me, I know it’s been a big help.

-Jack

[jackwilson]

I have never won. That is a fact and a fundamental law. I will never win in gambling. Others might win, but I won’t. The sooner I accept this fact the happier I’ll be. For me, the biggest triggers are and source of my unhappiness are when I watch a sports game, and I “KNOW” the outcome, and if it’s right and I didn’t bet, I consider that to be a loss. Ditto for stocks. If I “KNOW” that a stock is going to do well but I don’t buy it, I consider that a loss. Funny how the mind works as I never really think that it’s a win when i “KNOW” the outcome and it turns out to be the opposite.

Understanding law #3 that I will always lose makes it easier to accept law #2.

to refresh:
1) I’m a CG
2) I can never gamble again
3) I will always lose

[jackwilson]

danchaser, not sure if you’re still around, but this post resonates with me more than anything I’ve read anywhere. It feels great to know that my actions are not isolated, and that there are others who have gone through the EXACT same issues. The three laws you’ve outlined are absolutely spot on and I will incorporate them into my daily life.

Thanks again for posting, and I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

[jackwilson]

I’m on day 6 in my recovery journey. So far so good. I’m still getting nightmares but I’m feeling happy. The support I’ve received on here has been amazing. I absolutely agree with the points lizbeth and vera made regarding urges and sharing. If someone I love has a major problem such as CG, then I’d love to hear about it, yet, I keep my CG a secret. Seems a bit irrational and illogical. But for me, this is where I am and this is what I need to deal with, only me.

I’ve read some great posts over the weekend, especially those written by danchaser from 8-9 months ago. Does anyone know if he’s still around? His entries really resonates with me because it seems like he went through the same sportsbetting and blackjack binges and urges. I sure hope he’s okay since I haven’t seen any posts for 6 months. He posted these three laws that I will incorporate into my life:

1) I have a gambling problem.
2) I can never gamble again, no matter what.
3) I will always lose in the end.

I know #1. #2, I’m still thinking that I can purchase stocks and invest or the long term or play in a single poker tournament because the outcomes are isolated. It MUST be black and white! no grey areas. #3, despite ample evidence, I don’t think I still believe that #3 is a law. In the last binge, I actually made over $10k, despite losing $34k out of $44k winnings. However, I know that if I continue betting, then I will lose the rest. So I wonder if it was good for me to stop with my winnings because it’s a recipe for me to come back later.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you.

[jackwilson]

to the rest of the world, it looks like i have everything together. i really hate having to pretend that I’m not a compulsive gambler. I answered yes to 18 out of 20 questions. My mind is certainly not clear right now. It’ is very cluttered. I can sense the feelings of irritability. I’m not living in the moment. I think this dullness is what causes me to gamble.

It always start with thinking I know the outcome for one game and it’ll just be one bet. I usually win that bet and I start betting more and more. I have goals that I would stop once I reach them, but I would continue until I lose all my winnings. This pattern has happened more than 10 times in the past 15 years. The times between gambling binges have not been productive either. I would exhibit restlessness, uneasiness. I am now much more mindful of these feelings and GT is a great place for me to express my feelings.

thank you.

[jackwilson]

I’m starting to lose a bit of steam. I had dreams that I was sports betting last night. Not only that, I was dreaming that I was one of the players on the team and the team was doing really badly. Not sure what that means, but I definitely didn’t wake up well.

I feel a bit disconnected today and I haven’t been reading the forums as much. I guess I have to accept that not every day is going to be an exciting, high energy day.

The topic that I like to discuss is money. Money is a key trigger for me. Every time I have to manage money, there’s a sadness in me, probably bringing up subconscious thoughts of the money lost.

Just a short post today. I wanted write a quick line today. One day at a time.

[jackwilson]

First off, thank you Velvet and Charles for your incredibly thoughtful posts. I really appreciate it.

I just woke up from a terrible dream in which I was fully betting on sports again. It felt so real. The excitement, the irritability, the anxiety. What scares me was that it felt “normal”. I’ve gone through this before with my first recovery two years ago, so I’m familiar with my brain rebooting from the past 7 months of “gambling.” Now that I’m awake, I’m still petrified of making another bet and the consequences of it. Velvet hit the nail on the head when she said “it is the beavhiour, not the loss of money that does the damage.” During this last gambling binge, I actually MADE money, but my behaviour was destructive. My immune system has completely shut down from all the stress of gambling, causing me to be sick for most of the past 6 months.

With regard to sharing, I absolutely agree with Charles and Velvet 100%. The truth sets us free, creates accountability, stops enablers and provides support for my significant other. Despite all the successful stories and evidence to support sharing, I will be taking this secret with me to my grave. The shame, the guilt, the thought of having to deal with the responses would be too much to bear. It’s interesting that I can describe my life as perfect right now, if gambling is not involved. I honestly cannot ask for anything more, so I just need to keep the status quo by not gambling and essentially rewiring my brain to lead a normal and productive life.

With regard to my occupation, this is more of a grey area. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a financial adviser / stock trader. My job is to provide people with insights on when it is to to buy and sell stocks. I’m very good at my job and make very good money, and if I were able to heed my own advice, I would be quite rich. However, I haven’t been able to. Yesterday, I had a trigger when one of the stocks I’ve been following reached a price that I would recommend buying. I’ve been following this stock for almost a year and it’s always overvalued. I know with certainty that if I buy and keep the stock for 5 years, it will make money. The important thing is that I cannot look at the stock price or trade it. For me, checking the ticker causes the same adrenaline rush, anxiety, irritability as someone sitting at a slot machine or at the race track watching the horse. Historically, I can’t sit still and wait 5 years. I have to constantly check the price, sell it, buy it back and sell it again. The movement of the price is 100% correlated to my daily moods. I would feel crappy if it went down and happy if it goes up. Just like winning and losing in gambling.

I have to be completely honest with myself and decide if I can buy and hold for 5 years. That’s the only way this is going to work.I know in the compulsive gambling literature, there is no grey line when it comes to gambling. One lottery ticket, one bet, can be the end of it. This is why this situation is tricky for me. Like velvet said, it’s not about the money, so maybe it’s best not to touch stocks and make money from just my salary and not my investing.

Thank you for reading.

[jackwilson]

Vera and Kathryn: I wholeheartedly agree that freedom sets us free. I live a life of secrets. GT has been truly wonderful in helping me express some of those secrets. I’m very grateful to have this forum.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I have some thoughts on waiting for a stock to drop so I can repurchase. I think that is what causing me to feel anxious this morning. My plan was to buy if it hits a certain price and then lock up my brokerage account so I can’t touch it. I will check prices and have my moods based on those prices. It’s good to get everything written down so that I am completely honest with myself. I cannot buy stocks.

Separately, I’m also dealing with porn/masturbation problems. I quit at the same time as gambling (3 days ago). A lot happening right now.

[jackwilson]

It has been 48 hours since my last bet, and maybe it’s placebo but I’m already starting to feel better. Some of the feelings of shame, regrets and guilt have dissipated. I feel sharp for the first time in 7 months (since 11/4/2013). It makes me wonder why I put myself through the torture all these years. I know that not every day will be like today, but today, I will enjoy a happy day.

One day at a time. That’s all I can do. I will try to post on here every day. Thank you all for reading. Thanks, Charles and Vera for the amazing support chat session.

One of the things I’d love to get people’s opinion on is sharing. I have a significant other who I love more than anything in the world. She doesn’t know about any of this. I haven’t gotten into enough trouble where anyone else knows about this. It’s been a secretive problem I’ve dealt with for 15 years. Talking about it certainly helps with the shame and guilt, but I also don’t want to change the way people view me (or how my SO views me–she is super anti-gambling). I would love to hear any story or insights about this topic from anyone. Thank you.

Please reach out to me if anyone is looking for a chat partner. I’m in US timezone so others might find it difficult.

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