[jackwilson]

I’m trying to find the silver lining. During the last two months, I didn’t actually lose money. Just didn’t win as much as I like. Had I won, I wouldn’t have stopped. I looked at some of the posts from two weeks ago. I COULD NOT stop. At the time, I felt like “everything was under control” even though my entire life was turning upside down.

I paid $30,000 to get my life back. I must never forget that I cannot gamble like a normal person ever again. It is the one thing that I have not accepted. It is also the one thing that I must accept in order to change. I need to accept that I’m a compulsive gambler. There is no allure or sexiness to gambling. I have enough to worry about without gambling so there is no point in thinking about gambling now.

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now.

[jackwilson]

Yes, the one thing I could’ve done was to not deposit money into my sports betting account in the first place.

I’m not in a good state right now. Usually after a binge, I would swear off gambling forever and start the recovery process. This is not the case now. I am still upset at the “wrong” bets I made. I “KNEW” what the right bets were but didn’t have the patience or discipline to wait for the later games to bet on. I know all this is not constructive. Had I won the bets yesterday, I would still be betting today, and tomorrow and the next day until I get to this point.

My family life is in shambles. I’m lucky to have a job at work because all I did over the past 2 months is gamble. I need serious help. Miraculously, no one knows about my problems. No one knows about any of my issues. I have to pretend that everything is okay. I don’t have a financial problem. I have an emotional problem.

This forum is all that I’ve got. I can’t go to GA in fear that someone might recognize me. I can’t talk to anyone in my life because no one knows about my problems. I’m a skeleton right now. A shell of who I once was. All I have is one day at a time, and my last bet was 7/19/2014.

[jackwilson]

I’m in absolutely hell right now. I never want to forget this moment. Worse than losing the money is the amount of time I’ve lost with my loved ones. I haven’t been present. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been a complete a-hole. What really scares me is that I’m not humble. Usually before, when I get to this state, I would be incredibly humble but now, I’m full of regret. Why didn’t I bet this game instead of that game. Why didn’t I withdraw.

If there is a greater power up there, I can really use your help now. I have a future, a life ahead of me and I haven’t been able to fill my potential because of this insidious illness over the past 15 years.

I need help.

[jackwilson]

I’ve finally lost everything. It’s sickening. I lost $30,500 over the past 2 weeks. I feel numb. I feel stupid for not quitting while I was ahead. I feel incredibly sad. I saw all this coming as well, but I was incapable of stopping. I have an addictive personality disorder and there are no good places for me to go unless I figure all this out.

The past two weeks have been the most exhilarating and stressful two weeks of my life. I had incredible wins and heartbreak losses. All in all, my life is still good, and I’m not at the abyss yet. But I feel like absolute death. My health is gone. My happiness is gone. My body has deteriorated to a place where I don’t recognize it anymore. I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds during this rampage.

[jackwilson]

Thank you everyone for your your notes and encouragement. Today is the same day. I’m not eating. I’m not thinking. I’m not working. I’m just there. I’m on day 14 of the binge. I feel incredibly guilty posting on GT because it’s a community for those who are in recovery. I’m not in recovery, but I also don’t know where to go either.

The rational side of me is telling me to stop. All this will end once I stop. However, the irrational and compulsive side has outlined a plan to get to X dollars or zero. It’s binary. Honestly, I don’t care whether it’s at x or zero. I just want to reach one of those milestones so that I can recover and be sane again. Right now, I am insane.

[jackwilson]

I’m certainly not in a good place. I’m not at the abyss where I normally start my “recovery”, but I’m not well enough to be a productive member of society. I’m stuck in this “zombie” territory where I go through the motions of the day without doing anything of value or substance. I would spend hours needlessly reading things on the computer and ignore all my real responsibilities.

I still have the urge to bet because I still have money available to bet from my winnings. They are dwindling but they are still there. Like I said before, gambling is a terrible, terrible illness that eats me from the inside out. I want to stop without reaching rock bottom. Part of me wants to get back to the top, but I actually DID that and I still couldn’t quit because no win is ever big enough.

I desperately don’t want to go back to rock bottom, but part of me wants to do so in order to recover. Please help me.

[jackwilson]

The chase. That’s the trademark characteristic of a compulsive gambler. I had desperately wanted to make back the money that I “lost” in the last binge. To refresh, I made $44K and then lost $34k before quitting with $10k in profits. I deposited $6k to my online betting account and over the next 5 days, got it back up to the same level as before, up $44k. Predictably, I lost back $20k, so now I’m up $24k. This is an incredible sum of money, yet, I feel devastated. I feel that I should’ve stopped once I won my money back.

With this feeling, I will never stop until ever last cent is gone. But then in my mind, I tell myself “if I had stopped, I wouldn’t be up this much in the first place.” During the binge, which started on 7/3 and lasts until today. I want there to be some finality but I have some money left on the site and I can’t withdraw it now. I have to make a bet and it will be a long shot bet.

Please help me. I am going insane.

[jackwilson]

Being honest is definitely an improvement in my behavior. I’m on day 10 of my current binge. I’m learning that although I’m doing well financially, I’m in a horrible place psychologically, emotionally and physically. I have a very good job but I spend most of my time gambling online and not focusing on my work.

I’m not in a good state right now.

[jackwilson]

I’m not sure if the right thing to do is continue to post on here since I’ve continued gambling. Please tell me if that’s the case and I’ll stop.

I’ve gone back in the wild on 7/3, trying to desperately believe that THIS time will be different. I placed a fixed amount into my account and my plan was to stop if it ever reached zero. There was one point where it nearly did and I was ready to stop, but I ended up winning.

Here are the facts:

1) I have health issues
2) My thinking is cloudy. I can’t focus
3) Losing causes irritability and agitation (haven’t experienced this since I’ve been winning)
4) Loss of productivity
5) Loss of appetite and decreased fitness
6) Anti-social behavior. Anxiety when I have to interact with people

[jackwilson]

Kathryn and Charles, thank you for your messages. Unfortunately, I relapsed over the weekend. The outcome was positive but I feel a lot of the guilt. I know that just because I won I cannot gamble like normal people. I noticed that I put a tremendous amount of stress on body and my mind was consumed.

Regardless, I am thankful for this forum. I thought about not coming on here until I’m “clean” but it’s always good to put some of my thoughts down. It’s also great to go through my earlier posts from only a month ago.

I know that I’m a compulsive gambler and the path will lead to detrimental outcomes, so I will focus on one day at a time. Thank you.

[jackwilson]

I have not been on here for a while due to a busy travel schedule, and things have been going well in real life. The urges are still there. I thought about depositing some money into my online gambling account today and make some bets but thought better of it. The pain, misery of this illness is fading–a good and bad thing. It’s good that I can lead a normal life. It’s bad that I have thoughts of “I’ll just win $50,000 and then quit. My life would be perfect then”. What I must realize is that I won’t stop if I win $50,000 and my life would be miserable if I lose $50,000.

One day at a time. I must persevere. Thank you

[jackwilson]

Compulsive gambling is not going to disappear. It’s something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. When I think about the longevity of “rest of my life”, it seems like an eternity. That’s why I must think of this recovery as one day at a time. All I can do is to not gamble today.

I have to admit, the thoughts of gambling are stronger. I can’t believe it’s only been 15 days since that awful day and I’m thinking about depositing some money onto an online sportsbook to make a long shot parlay bet to win back all the money that I lost. This is INSANE! If I win, it’s not like I’m going to stop gambling, and my time will be filled with irritable and agitated thoughts if i have the money. Either way I LOSE, therefore I will not gamble.

[jackwilson]

I woke up today feeling better than I have in many days. It has been a struggle recently, but I MUST understand that I cannot gamble anymore. I feel that a part of me still feels like I can gamble normally, but I need to make sure that I remember all the pain and misery from my addiction. I cannot gamble normally ever again.

Facts:
1) I cannot win. even when i win, i will give it back later
2) gambling makes me irritable and unhappy
3) because of 1 &2, I must accept that i am a compulsive gambler and can never gamble again

[jackwilson]

Thank you everyone for your support on this forum. I’ve been away for three days and things are going well. I’m in a much better place than I’ve been, emotionally.

I don’t have urges, per se, but I still think about gambling quite a bit. I especially think about 14 days ago when I had all that money in my account and what my life would be like today if I had the money. I also know that I’m a compulsive gambler, so it’s a logical fallacy for me to win money. I have to understand the simple truth that I CANNOT WIN and I CANNOT be happy if I gamble.

Posting on this forum helps. It’s been three days since I posted and I feel a little disconnected with my feelings. I’ve been through day 12 before, and this time, it’s actually easier because I know what to expect. For today, I want to be mindful of my addiction and be strong in my recovery.

Thank you.

[jackwilson]

“I wish I could erase this past year…the past ten years…and start again.”

I spend so much time thinking this exact phrase. I’m ashamed of my past and want to completely erase it out of memory. I often think about the person that I would be if I had not gambled. Then I catch myself that this is not productive thinking. I still have a full life ahead of me. All I can do is not gamble one day at a time and everything else will be a walk in the park compared to that.

Good luck with your recovery and please try to let go of the past. I will also try to heed my own advice.

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