[jackwilson]

I’m struggling with other compulsive behaviors (online surfing, cleaning, reading). I still have no desire to gamble and the thought of gambling terrifies me. I just need to be productive with the time that I have. One day at a time. The mood swings, agitation, irritability. They are all very strong and very real.

[jackwilson]

Day 27: I’m doing much better. I’m not the person who I aspire to bet yet, but each day it’s getting a little better. I don’t have any desire to gamble. I’m petrified of any gambling thoughts. I’m doing a bit more each day and it’s helping. I’m grateful for this forum

Last bet: 7/30/14

[jackwilson]

I can go years without gambling and then one day, I have a feeling on a game, deposit money onto the account, and begin the long month spiral. One undeniable fact that has helped me is the realization that I CANNOT WIN.

Like you said, even when I win, I will give it back 20 fold, not to mention the lost time spent on gambling. This is a progressive disease that will only get worse. Now, it seems like you have your family in tact and money in the bank. You need to block everything. One other thing that I found to be extremely helpful is therapy. Either on here or in real life. I discovered that gambling is a by-product of other personality disorders. See you on here soon.

Jack Wilson

[jackwilson]

I’m still not doing well. My days are filled with agitation and irritability. My nights are restless. No one said the road to recovery would be an easy one. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Thank you.

Last Bet: 7/30/14

[jackwilson]

Thank you for checking in, Janey. I’m doing well. It feels like less of a struggle everyday, but I’m still not where I need to be in my life. I don’t think about the money lost and the urge to gamble has decreased. I’m also devoid of joy. I know that this is the recovery process and all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Last bet: 7/30/14

[jackwilson]

Thank you all for your comments and words of encouragement. Since stopping, I’ve been in hell. The regrets. The shame. The guilt. They are all there in full force. Gambling is not the way to a productive life. I must think about the life in front of me and not one that’s behind me.

Last bet: 7/30/14
Today, I will leave my last behind and enjoy today.

[jackwilson]

I’m on day four and this recovery feels a bit different compared to the other ones. I skipped the part where I’m humbled, sad, and went straight to agitation and irritability stage. I’m not happy with myself right now. I think the reason is that money is always on the back of my mind…how much money I lost, how much money i have, etc. I can’t even write a proper post. So much self hate right now.

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[jackwilson]

Thank you for the great notes, everyone. Last bet: 7/30/14. I will forever remember this date. Yes, it is money I’ve lost. I know in a few days I’m going to feel like crap, but right now, I just need to live one day at a time.

[jackwilson]

Once again, I couldn’t help myself and made a bunch of stupid bets with the $5,000 instead of the bet I wanted to make (which would’ve won). Predictably, I lost, that’s everything. I’m in hell right now. I’ve been in hell. I feel numb. Writing on here used to provide me with relief. That is no longer the case today. I just want to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone or do anything.

[jackwilson]

Thank you GT for all your help and support. I’m still in a very dark place right now. The only thing that’s filling my mind is the $5000 wire that will come through to my online sports betting account tomorrow and what I’m going to do with it. I want to very much cash out. It’s a central source of my anxiety and stress.

[jackwilson]

Sad, Velvet, Vera. You are all correct and I appreciate the tough love. I just want to highlight two particular lines:

“when you deny your addiction you lay down the foundation for winning the biggest prize of all – a life with you in control.”

“my need to gamble is far greater than my need to win money.”

It is not about the money. I was miserable when I was winning (all I have to do is scroll up to the posts from three weeks ago when I was up $43,500), and I’m miserable now after I’ve lost it all back. I lose sight of the fact that I’m a blessed human being. I regret about the past 15 years of gambling. I stay awake thinking about everything I could have achieved if I didn’t gamble. I think about all the people who I deeply care for but have been delinquent to. I think about my last recovery, and how far I’ve come and how far I’ve regressed now.

If I’m completely honest, the gradual decline and losses have really wrecked havoc on my psyche. When I joined this site on June 10th, I had lost $32,000 in two days. I was devastated, drained and sick at the sight of a sports score or the thought of gambling. I was in a much better place. Now, the losses have dripped in on a daily basis, and I CANNOT mentally start the recovery process despite knowing that it is the logical thing to do.

My fear is that 15 years from now, I look back and say “why didn’t I stop 15 years ago?” Essentially, this is what happened to me. I joined GA 10 years ago. I wanted to stop gambling 10 years ago, instead, I endured 10 more years of hell. Relatively speaking, I’m 30 years old, I still have the rest of my life in front of me. Things can improve, but it MUST START with not gambling. Even as I write these words, I’m thinking about the Wednesday. That’s the day when my $5,000 wire clears and I plan on making one final bet. I wish I could undo that wire. I want to start my recovery now, but that is a huge overhang. I’m very sick in the head, and I need help. I can’t live life like this. I don’t have access to GA, so this forum is all that I’ve got. I have no one else to talk to.

[jackwilson]

I lose on games that I bet on and I win on “hypothetical” bets. The only thing that’s worst that losing money is the feeling I am experience right now…missing out on winning money.

THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to stop. My thought process that “hey, I figured out the right plays, I’ll just bet on it next time”. This DOES NOT WORK. It doesn’t work because the same long shot situation won’t come around next time. I missed out on an $18,000 bet tonight. And that is killing me inside. It hurts more than losing $18,000. If I had lost $18,000, I would want to stop. Now this has the opposite effect. I want to keep gambling because it was so close to my grips. I’ve never gambled on slots, but this is probably the reason why people come back. It’s because they were so close to the jackpot. I just have to view this as a mirage.

There’s nothing I can do about it now. Even if I win the $18,000 tonight, I’ll lose it back. Guarantee 100% I will lose it back. At least now, I know that I would like to stop.

[jackwilson]

Every day, I say that I’m going to stop and start a new life. Every day, I find a reason to deposit more money into the online bank account. My rationale is that “I am still playing with profits”. Today, I’m down to my last $1000 in profits. I make long shots hoping that I would hit–it never does. I think about, “hey, i’ve been in this exact situation before and I managed to make tens of thousands of dollars”. It’s a stupid thought. I lose, I come on here, I read, I feel better and tomorrow, it starts again. I’m waiting for some money to come through next week and I plan on betting on one game. I want to stop, desperately, but the money is already on route to the site and there’s nothing I can do to undo it.

What makes everything so dang difficult is that I lose when I bet, and on the bets that i want to make, but don’t yet have the money in the account to do so, I’d win. As a result, I believe that I’m getting tortured to quit. I want to quit so desperately, but I also want to make back the money that i lost. This all is going to end very badly…

[jackwilson]

I am a binge gambler and the pattern is very specific. I have gone through this at least a hundred times, yet, I have not learned my lesson.

1) Don’t gamble for anywhere between 1mo-2yrs
2) Have a “feeling” about a game. I bet on this game and 90%+ of the time, I win. If I lose, I would just stop and swear off gambling again.
3) The binge would be driven by the “win”. At this point, I’m still gambling rationally. Gambling is the only thing I care about in my life. Not my work, not my family, not my friends.
4) I would attempt to stop mid-binge with a substantial sum of money, but this action creates immeasurable irritability and stress. Forcing me to continue gambling until…
5) I’m no longer gambling rationally. I’d gamble recklessly, often making very poor decisions and the only thing that would allow me to stop is to lose all the money
6) I LOSE. Everything. The first few days, I get a tremendous sense of relief. I get my life back together. I’d go to GA, read about CG literature.
7) After a few days to a few weeks, the irritability kicks in. I dream about gambling. I suppress it until it can no longer be suppress it anymore, and I start back to #1.

The toughest part for me is that I feel like I’m a good gambler “as long as I follow my system and gamble” under control. And when I get to step 7, I tell myself “it’s just profits you lost.” I actually lost something that’s way more important than money, and that’s time and my health. Gambling destroys me physically, emotionally and psychologically. I don’t want to stop as much as I want to gamble under control. This statement in of itself is illogical. It’s like telling someone who’s an alcoholic to just “drink under control”.

I MUST adhere to these 3 rules:
1) I can never gamble again
2) I can never win
3) gambling causes severe pain and hardships

[jackwilson]

I’m trying to find the silver lining. During the last two months, I didn’t actually lose money. Just didn’t win as much as I like. Had I won, I wouldn’t have stopped. I looked at some of the posts from two weeks ago. I COULD NOT stop. At the time, I felt like “everything was under control” even though my entire life was turning upside down.

I paid $30,000 to get my life back. I must never forget that I cannot gamble like a normal person ever again. It is the one thing that I have not accepted. It is also the one thing that I must accept in order to change. I need to accept that I’m a compulsive gambler. There is no allure or sexiness to gambling. I have enough to worry about without gambling so there is no point in thinking about gambling now.

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now.

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