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Hey Charles,

The book I am reading is called love is a choice. It is about dealing with co-dependancy it also gives me insight on how to deal with my family in general. I know that the road to a clean recovery starts with a lot of inner work.
I am barely even thinking about cg at all these days. And I am very certain I am over a month clean for sure, but because I am not intentionally counting I don’t know. In the past where I have counted I felt that having the goal of being clean for a certain amount of time actually put alot of pressure on me and felt like i would always fail.

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P: I don’t know how to do the chats, or how they work.

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Hey everyone,

Thanks for your replies. Charles, I can understand that they don’t trust me but their actions are making things worse. Things have calmed down at home and my sister knows that I am getting help from some people who are experienced in the field of addictions, so she is basically watching and I believing waiting for me to screw up. i know that sounds really negative, but you don’t know my sister. In fact from the last post, things got even worse and she is trying to define me by being an addict and saying that is all their is to me and she is not right. And she knows this but she has her own which I feel she is trying to push back onto me. Anyway, enough about that. I am still CLEAN! I haven’t even been counting. I touch base with my accountability partner often. I started reading a book they told me that I need to read along with a different book which is helping how I see money.

Sorry I haven’t posted, been crazy busy at work. And have just had some boy drama which has been a welcome distraction. And my internet is VERY temperamental.

My other sister pretty much told me she would never forgive me, or like me again for the things I have already done. And pretty much their is no hope of ever having a relationship. I cant believe how much this affected them, even though I never took money from them or anything like that. I screwed u p, can’t undo it can only move forward. But its sad cause I feel like I was even before cg ALONE with no family by my side. But at least I can still make a life out of something. And when I do get married 🙂 he will never have to experience the ugliness of cg.

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Help!

I am really struggling and I am at the end of my rope. And I feel like nothing can fix this. I have not relapsed, I am clean and I am really happy about that. Mum is currently overseas and I have been looking after my dad, cooking dinner and cleaning the house and it has been fun. Remember how I told you my older sister found out about cg and wanted to take care of my finances and became very verbally abusive towards me. And I actually felt like I was going to die from all the pressure she was putting me under forcing my hand to be accountable to her, otherwise their would be no relationship between us. Well , my older sister backed off once my mentors spoke to her. But it wasn’t long until she was back in my life watching and questioning me on everything. Even my ability to cook and clean and be a good daughter. She always assumes the worse, thinks the worse even when proven otherwise. It is like when she looks at me she sees only dull colours, it is hurting me. I have tried speaking to her about how I feel and she thinks I am just being a victim and my perspective is tainted. EVERYONE tells me that she is controlling and that I am not reading too much into anything. Anyway she calls dad up today demanding that she needs me to give her my car (for good) because I do not deserve it. And that originally my brother gave the car to her but she turned it down so I got it as a Christmas present. And then she told dad about me and cg and he went into a rage. Dad was saying to me that if this is true, he would kick me out and take my car and disown me etc etc……. he wants me to show him my bank statements and where my money goes. But if I do that, then for sure I will get kicked out. I have not even spoken to my sister in a week so I do not know what provoked her to call my dad up and just be nasty. Now this has put me in a position where I may have nowhere to go. My family thinks that I should have hundreds of dollars, because I work etc…..and only pay what they see as a small amount of rent. But I have a car to fuel, food to buy etc….. it’s like I just can’t win with them. And I had to leave the house (in a coffee shop) just to stop myself from crying. I am really trying to stay on the narrow path, get myself cleaned up and just get through this mess I made. But they are pulling me down and pushing me more and more away making me feel so isolated. And then they are like typical Izzi, distancing herself once again because she has secrets to hide. Honestly, don’t know how much more I can take. I told my mentors and I am awaiting a response. No matter what way I look I feel like I am doomed to constantly be reminded of my mistakes by them. I intentionally moved back home because I made a decision long ago to not run away from my family and work on my relationships with them. But all they want to know about me is how bad am I failing. And it is just getting so hard to keep my head above water. Honestly I go to work everyday feeling so upset in my heart. And a part of me thinks I am secretly depressed or just secretly lonely. Like I am alone to do it on my own. Sorry, for the venting, don’t know where else to turn. My sisters and dad are meeting up tonight to have coffee AND they didn’t even invite me. And I know they will speak about me, which they shouldn’t cause my older sister said she would butt out but obviously that was a lie. I am almost expecting my dad to kick me out tonight. Or for all of them to show up for an intervention.

Help!! any advice would be great, my heart can only take so much.

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Help!

I am really struggling and I am at the end of my rope. And I feel like nothing can fix this. I have not relapsed, I am clean and I am really happy about that. Mum is currently overseas and I have been looking after my dad, cooking dinner and cleaning the house and it has been fun. Remember how I told you my older sister found out about cg and wanted to take care of my finances and became very verbally abusive towards me. And I actually felt like I was going to die from all the pressure she was putting me under forcing my hand to be accountable to her, otherwise their would be no relationship between us. Well , my older sister backed off once my mentors spoke to her. But it wasn’t long until she was back in my life watching and questioning me on everything. Even my ability to cook and clean and be a good daughter. She always assumes the worse, thinks the worse even when proven otherwise. It is like when she looks at me she sees only dull colours, it is hurting me. I have tried speaking to her about how I feel and she thinks I am just being a victim and my perspective is tainted. EVERYONE tells me that she is controlling and that I am not reading too much into anything. Anyway she calls dad up today demanding that she needs me to give her my car (for good) because I do not deserve it. And that originally my brother gave the car to her but she turned it down so I got it as a Christmas present. And then she told dad about me and cg and he went into a rage. Dad was saying to me that if this is true, he would kick me out and take my car and disown me etc etc……. he wants me to show him my bank statements and where my money goes. But if I do that, then for sure I will get kicked out. I have not even spoken to my sister in a week so I do not know what provoked her to call my dad up and just be nasty. Now this has put me in a position where I may have nowhere to go. My family thinks that I should have hundreds of dollars, because I work etc…..and only pay what they see as a small amount of rent. But I have a car to fuel, food to buy etc….. it’s like I just can’t win with them. And I had to leave the house (in a coffee shop) just to stop myself from crying. I am really trying to stay on the narrow path, get myself cleaned up and just get through this mess I made. But they are pulling me down and pushing me more and more away making me feel so isolated. And then they are like typical Izzi, distancing herself once again because she has secrets to hide. Honestly, don’t know how much more I can take. I told my mentors and I am awaiting a response. No matter what way I look I feel like I am doomed to constantly be reminded of my mistakes by them. I intentionally moved back home because I made a decision long ago to not run away from my family and work on my relationships with them. But all they want to know about me is how bad am I failing. And it is just getting so hard to keep my head above water. Honestly I go to work everyday feeling so upset in my heart. And a part of me thinks I am secretly depressed or just secretly lonely. Like I am alone to do it on my own. Sorry, for the venting, don’t know where else to turn. My sisters and dad are meeting up tonight to have coffee AND they didn’t even invite me. And I know they will speak about me, which they shouldn’t cause my older sister said she would butt out but obviously that was a lie. I am almost expecting my dad to kick me out tonight. Or for all of them to show up for an intervention.

Help!! any advice would be great, my heart can only take so much.

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icandothis and P OMG HI LADIES! I am so so so happy to hear from you both. This has made my day to hear from you both. I am so proud of you all continuing to choose to make this journey. I have been really well and I have am still gamble clean. I can partly blame that from a certain boy at my work place, who likes me and is totally distracting me. Not even thinking about cg really and I am just focused on my goals right now. I feel alive and again and hopeful that this time will be the last time. My only concern is that if things go sour with the guy, i will be cg again. But I have the strength to overcome that and I shouldn’t even be thinking like that.

Tell me all about yourselves 🙂

Love you Xx

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Hi beautiful,

I remember you! wow so good to see you back onto the road of recovery. You can do this, have always ALWAYS believed in you. Inside you is the strength 🙂

I am rooting you on babe.

One day at a time together.

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On the 8th of Dec I started my journey (again) to give up gambling once and for all. It is very safe to say that I have made it 6 months clean. This is such a milestone for me, it really seems like a lifetime ago that I found myself playing the pokies begging the machine for free games as I was onto my last dollar was so ever desperate. Glad that those days are well behind me. I still get urges now and then but they become less and I get stronger. I am so glad to feel “normal: again to not have my mind consumed on pokie machines and money. It is by far now way to live and no way anyone should live their life. If you are reading this and you struggle with this addiction you need to step out and get help. I am proof that it is possible to stop for it to be a thing of the part regardless of how much pain and hurt you have caused. I thought my family would kick me out and my dad would disown me. Have hurt very close friends and family members and our relationships are being restored. Even better and greater then what it was before.
You can do this and you WILL do it!
So thankful and greatful for this day glad to be alive and breathing.
Love you family.Only a fool plays a fools game

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I am jumping on the June bandwagon wahoo!
It is the 5th day into June for me and I am gamble free, yeah!
Being gamble free is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Life is so precious and I have spent so many years watching slip down the drain.Only a fool plays a fools game

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WAHOO 175 DAYS CLEAN! I am a week away from 6 months 🙂
So so excited yeah baby.

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Woah 122 days clean today yay feeling good. It was my birthday a couple days ago and it was made extra special by being gamble free. I found out last week I have been accepted to study in America commencing September I will be over in the States for 10 months, this is such a dream come true.Only a fool plays a fools game

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Life is great! I am 116 days clean and I just started a new role at my work and enjoying it. Slowly but surely walking my way to financial freedom.
How is everyone else going?
I love having cg free thinking the thoughts are less and less and now I do not notice pokie place like they use to be highlighted before.
 Only a fool plays a fools game

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Thanks ??
Just over thee months clean & l start my new position for tomorrow.Only a fool plays a fools game

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***** EVERYONE! just a quick update. Things are going good. I start my new job in a week and today I checked the balance of my debt and it is under 9000. And I started saving for my trip to America in Sept to study. I am barely saving loose change at the moment but it is a start. And I am still clean and going strong. I wake up everyday happy and alive, depression is no more. Have taken back control and it is POSSIBLE everyone. Not sure how long I have been clean for, stopped ******** after 40 days and unsure when that was. I will try and post once a week or at least once a fortnight just to let you all know how I am going. And see how you are all going. This doesn’t have to be the be all end all, FIGHT!
Blessings and love.Only a fool plays a fools game

[izzi25]

***** EVERYONE! just a quick update. Things are going good. I start my new job in a week and today I checked the balance of my debt and it is under 9000. And I started saving for my trip to America in Sept to study. I am barely saving loose change at the moment but it is a start. And I am still clean and going strong. I wake up everyday happy and alive, depression is no more. Have taken back control and it is POSSIBLE everyone. Not sure how long I have been clean for, stopped ******** after 40 days and unsure when that was. I will try and post once a week or at least once a fortnight just to let you all know how I am going. And see how you are all going. This doesn’t have to be the be all end all, FIGHT!
Blessings and loveOnly a fool plays a fools game

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