[izzi25]

As a cg we are all too familiar with all the promises we make ourselves around a New Years. I remember I use to almost plead with myself and set high expectations because I had to punish myself for all the bad things that came out of cg. I would like to remind everyone who is reading this, not to be too hard on yourself. The worse thing we can do is set ourselves false expectations, that only make everything worse when we stuff up. I am about to sit down and set myself some financial goals but I am going to go easy on myself. No more punishing myself, I need to live with myself and I need to start loving myself. I am going to celebrate another year of sharing this journey with you all and for being just over one month clean (by a couple of days).
The first six weeks are always the hardest and I am currently visiting my parents. And it is hard, this whole place smells of my cg adventures. And I have found myself more then once talking myself into almost gambling. Till I asked myself, why do I need to gamble? I do not even need money, sure things are tight. But I know too well how easy it is to lose. And id rather lose in life then lose at cg.

Stay strong everyone, 2016 is going to be your year.

[izzi25]

Right at this moment it is the evening of Christmas Eve, we are about to have dinner and then the kids are going to bed soon. Some of my family are down to spend Christmas, it is nice. To be honest I feel really relieved as this year I did not gamble my christmas money and ruin the holiday as I have done so many times in the past. I brought gifts for all and I can rest easy, knowing that I can beat this addiction. I am getting close to being one month clean. I know it isn’t much, I will get there. I barely think about cg or think about how poor I am. Feeling positive and really hopeful that this will not be the end of me. I am excited about the possibilities, keep your head up all.

Have an Amazing Christmas everyone, treasure the time and remember it is the season to be Jolly. And as addicts we can say without a doubt we have a lot to be thankful for.

[izzi25]

Yes, definitely crave the silence and solitude (sometimes.
I will need to get ear plugs for sure. This arrangement is only temporary, another three to six months at least.

[izzi25]

Today is the 11 days since I moved interstate and it has been interesting, mostly exhausting. I am always on the go and their is always lots to do, don’t ever feel completely relaxed. It is really hard living with my brothers family, kids are crazy all the time, if the kids are asleep then the parents are up late. And I can hear the tv, footsteps, chatter, everything from my room. It has been most challenging but I am thankful for the change of scenery. As well as the fact that living with them my renter is cheaper then when I lived with my parents. My income however has also decreased which makes it hard. However I am feeling very very hopeful, believe that a great future really is possible.

[izzi25]

Our families are familiar my mum has had an addiction for at least the past 17 years off and on. She will deny until she is blue in the face that she as an addiction. She says she plays because she is bored, only spends a couple of hundred and doesn’t have major debt because of it. Gambling isn’t a daily thing for her but sure is a weekly thing, it has been off and on. And I remember when I first found out about the addiction, I was 16 yo and I felt so betrayed, I hated her.
When I got my first job I started saving up for university, back then the hourly rate was low, only worked a few hours a week but I worked and saved hard. One day I found a bank statement and their were all these withdrawals almost daily,. And I realised my mother drained my savings account which I worked so hard for! I was so angry and devastated. My mum use to steal my keycard and withdrew money out from within the bank it was very dodgy. I remember I never swore to be like her and here I am with the same addiction. I know I am not like her but I was angry with myself for so many years because of it. I can totally relate to you and I am so glad you are doing your research. And your beginning to implement healthy measures that is great. Really happy about your father giving you more money this christmas. I started a new job and I am working hard to get a bonus in the next few months.
My aim is to save as much as I can (have something to fall back on) and then pay off my smallest debt first and work from there. So glad you decided to go out tonight, I did also, had dinner out it was good.

Look forward to being kept updated.

[izzi25]

First and foremost good on you for coming on here and being real, that takes courage. I saw myself in a lot of what you wrote, I can relate. I am a 33yo single female (single seems to feel worse when you are an cg) and I currently have $25,000 in debt (all gambling. I accumulated this debt in 4 months. Who in their right mind goes into $25000 debt 4 months? As of January this year my debt was clear! in the space of 6 months I dived straight back into debt after relapsing (was 7 months clean) . Out of all the things in my life that I have seen as bad re; single, dysfunctional family this was the WORSE. As you know with gambling we have MANY bad days, in fact nearly every day is a bad day. We also do plenty of irrational things and make really bad decisions. I have committed fraud and stolen from my family to get money to gamble and that is low. But the lowest of the lows was being 7 months clean, having no debt and having a couple of thousand saved to have it all undone in just a matter of weeks. I was seeing a counsellor at the time to help with the addiction and life was gold. I can’t tell you how empty the pit felt at that point. Or how in the many moments after feeling the despair of possibly always being alone. Not to mention how am I going to pay this debt? I can’t afford it and that is the simple truth.
My point is in all that I knew I had to remember no matter what my life is valuable. And their is no way I could let cg win, let it consume me until their was nothing left. Yes, I have lots of debt and I am screwed for at least the next 5 years. And I absolutely terrified of what tomorrow brings but I know I am not in it alone. We are family and we are here to listen and to help you. I have been battling this addiction since I was 25/26 an I used it to escape from reality. Because my reality was so bad I could not stand to be present. And that led to nothing but brokenness and despair.
However, it is not over, its never over not until I say it is and I will never do that.

Hang in their buddy we stand with you.

[izzi25]

I moved interstate last Tuesday and arrived safe and sound. I went from living in a quiet household to living into an intense environment that consists of now three adults, two children and lots of people popping around. I am an introvert and finding myself in more need of alone quiet time, but it is rare and seldom in between. And I am just telling myself I have to adjust. Haven’t decided whether or not this decision was a good choice, however I know the experience will be worth it.

I cg on the saturday before I left to move interstate. I was completely stressed about not having enough money to spend and hold me through until I got my final pay from my job. I lost everything but did not create any more debt. It was a very careless move. I am one week clean as of today and great news is I don’t really have a vehicle and their are barely any cg places here (that I have noticed) and I have had no desire or need. In fact I am too scared to cg because I am totally screwed if I do AND I couldn’t bare my family finding out, so I won’t go there and I don’t need to. I still cant believe how intense it is here, kids get up early and its FULL on from there.

I am doing ok, gotta keep my head up and just keep going. I have many dreams I continue to fulfill while I am here.

[izzi25]

Hello,

Great advice, when I venture down that road of finding someone I like and connect with I plan on telling them.

Yes moving interstate will be living with family who know about CG. A friend who lives their told me their isnt many CG places and their is one casino and it is lame. The process for banning is different with every state so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that one. I hadn’t planned on banning myself, as I hadn’t planned on cg. I will have limited access to getting around and limited time on my own.

The online banking thing has not worked in the past with family etc, but their are measures I can put in place such as leave card at home etc, only carry cash of what I need during the day.

Another day clean, things are becoming clearer.

[izzi25]

Life sometimes feels like a game of monopoly which I can’t seem to finish, keep getting stuck in “jail” and I can’t get out! I have to believe what you are saying, it is only the way to not completely go insane and abandon myself into madness LOL.

Today I am gamble free and today marks one month. Things are starting to look up, last week of work before I move interstate to work. Trying something new and challenging. will need to encompass a lot of fears and overcome them.
I need to remember I am not alone.

Thanks buddy.

[izzi25]

Sometimes I wonder about whether I will ever be set free from this addiction. Where its really possible to be uprooted from its entanglement. My mind often wonders off to having to tell the next guy I have a relationship with that I have an addiction. And I see them just walking out because its all too much for them. But really how can I blame them? What would I do in the same situation, would I be like I really don’t have time for this? I want someone maybe a little bit whole? And I wonder whether this disease has rendered me alone for ever and ever.

[izzi25]

hey, their are people in my life that know about cg and these debts. I also am currently seeing a counsellor who is helping me with the addiction.

Your words and encouragement are amazing, your awesome!

[izzi25]

My sister had access to my bank account, we worked out a budget and she could see where my money went to. But it became difficult, was affecting our relationship and because I was becoming so strong in staying clean, decided to take full responsibility back. I would not go back and give her that responsibility. Their isn’t anyone else I trust in the family either.
My bank had pre approved loans for me that is who I was able to access more money. And I had access to my savings account because I was maintaining it. Their really isn’t anyone else I can trust, will have to figure this one out.

[izzi25]

Wow what you just said was everything I feel, the whole cg scenario was me almost everyday when I was in it real deep. So many things you said were spot on. Thank you for taking the time to post with me greatly appreciate it.

one day at a time.

[izzi25]

Today is day 6 and it feels so GOOD! I have been relapsing for the past two months. The past couple of weeks I was choosing to be consumed by the need to win. I know I could have stopped but didn’t want to and that really scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Last Thursday when I was gambling and losing yet again, I was beginning to lose the desire to cg. And even though I was down I still left with some money, which doesn’t normally happen to a cg. As we all know its all or nothing! The next day I was thinking about how hard life has been and how I have a desire to make things better. And I thought about how much of a rut my life has been not only because of cg but other issues. And I realised that I was actually destroying my life by cg. It just hit me and I got the revelation that I was part of the demise of my downfall. And it was almost like a switched turned of at that stage and cg desire was no more. I am and already feeling powerful, happy and so much life. And that decision has led to a lot of shame and guilt actually disappearing. Realised I was unhappy because I was working myself to the bone because of the guilt of my finances. One would see it as me working hard to get on top of finances but I realised I was working hard to punish myself for my foolish mistakes.
So now if I want to leave my job tomorrow and not have another job lined up I can do that without fear. Because cg no longer cripples me, life is journey but with every journey you need to take risks. And I remembered I am a risk taker, obviously been taking bad risks, but now its time to take good ones. To gamble on LIFE and not gamble for life 🙂

[izzi25]

Today is day 6 and it feels so GOOD! I have been relapsing for the past two months. The past couple of weeks I was choosing to be consumed by the need to win. I know I could have stopped but didn’t want to and that really scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Last Thursday when I was gambling and losing yet again, I was beginning to lose the desire to cg. And even though I was losing at the pokies, I actually left with some money, which doesn’t normally happen to a cg. As we all know its all or nothing! The next day I was thinking about how hard life has been and how I have a desire to make things better. And I thought about how much of a rut my life has been not only because of cg but other issues. And I realised that I was actually destroying my life by cg. It just hit me and I got the revelation that I was part of the demise of my downfall. In that moment, it was like a switch inside my head turned off & the desire to cg was no more. I am already feeling powerful, happy and very light. That revelation has led to a lot of shame and guilt actually disappearing. I woke up and saw that I was working myself to the bone because of the guilt of my finances. One could see it as me working hard to get on top of finances but I have been working hard/long hours to punish myself for my foolish mistakes. And It was no longer time for punishment but time for redemption and redeeming my own self image.
So now if I want to leave my job tomorrow I can do that without fear. Because cg no longer cripples me, life’s a journey but with every journey you need to take risks. And I remembered I am a risk taker, obviously been taking bad risks, but now its time to take good ones. To gamble on LIFE and not gamble for life 🙂

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