[IRockVX]

Thanks for stopping by. I’m new here too. I highly recommend the My Journals forum as well as checking out the live chat groups — i’ve only been around a few days but feel huge weight coming off my shoulders and positive emotions i haven’t felt in a very long time after using those.

Plan your time, identify your triggers, write it out and get it out. Lots to flesh out.

Much love

[IRockVX]

Спасибо, что зашли. Я тоже здесь новенький. Я настоятельно рекомендую форум Мои журналы, а также проверить группы в чате – я был всего несколько дней, но чувствую, как с моих плеч сходит огромный вес, и положительные эмоции, которые я не испытывал очень долгое время после использования те. Спланируйте свое время, определите свои триггеры, запишите и извлеките их. Многое, чтобы конкретизировать. Много любви

[IRockVX]

You’re in the right place. I just joined here a few days ago.

You have a lot more to get off your chest I can tell.

Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy/talk therapy can be a trap that actually gets you more stuck in the past than anything else … I like the concept of NLP (Neuro Linkguistic Programming). It’s based on this tenet:

If you went to a travel agency, they wouldn’t ask you why you’re there or where you came from. They would ask “where do you want to go?”

Framing questions to ourselves this way is constructive (especially because a lot of things we don’t know the why too right now) and launches our vision forward. “Where do I wanna go?” “What do I need?” “Have I done it before?” “Who will be with me?” etc.

Gambling is a monster — it takes a team to take down a monster. I’ve avoided GA in person meetings for the very same reason — I’m quite a spiritual person but in no way religious and stay away from that side of things.

I know exactly what you mean about having dreams stuck in your head that you don’t act on — I’ve been journaling about this myself. After getting sucked into gambling, the things that you previously thought of that you would just do, you end up postponing endlessly and the priority becomes “after I gamble … after i get back that loss … after I (fill in the blank)” … the “after” never comes.

Gambling itself numbs your senses and lies to you that the life you want and things you want aren’t that great if you can’t be a successful gambler first … Your body and senses are pulsing out messages to get up, go do and explore and be where you want — your neurochemistry has rewired those signals to be interpreted as “go gamble” … you’ll notice this if you feel into all those competing signals that happen before gambling. They’re trying to connect you back to your body that gets moves and does things.

Gambling is what we want stuck in our head and looking at with indifference … with help, we have to pull ourselves away from that black hole and make gambling what we are window shopping/thinking of time to time then shrugging at. Life passions take center stage in its place.

I’m finding my emotions and thoughts go from one polarity to the other — the false paradigm of gambling where emotional and activity interests are distorted/inverted, and the true expression where my deeper joy clarity of vision and love comes back to the surface with a natural resilient confidence and gambling looks like what it is: boring and unpromising. The “thrill” is just a trick created by our biological and personality predisposition for it.

Please keep writing in your journal here. You have a lot of emotions and things happening under your impulse to gamble — I’m still fairly new here but have observed this to be immensely helpful/a deep breath of oxygen.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

I hear people complain about the internet and how the information age has ruined this and that … I suppose information overload or “future shock” is something that impacts some more negatively than others.

For me, it has been a saving grace. I’ve met some of the deepest friends in years past through it (some i met in person), discovered lots of hard to find information, and now most recently the most powerful blessing has been places like this forum/support group.

We are living in the information age — if we blindly digest all information this is a nightmare. If we are active seekers of information we need and navigators of our digital ship, it has the potential to unlock barriers/open powerful doors.

So I start off this post with that gratitude — many things in life are double edged, and if we don’t learn how to use them properly they’ll automatically get used against us instead. I’m all in favor of using these tools favorably.

Anyway, this morning I woke up and I have this kind of “pause” going on in me internally where my mind is blank … my inclination was to log onto here to talk about it … because to me i pinpoint it as a craving humming at a low level silence in the background of my mind vacuuming up energy toward other thoughts/feelings.

I find that my cravings/innermost intentions with future bets tend to hang out or “lay low” for short periods of time this way and act as internal detached/distracted states from things I really enjoy/want to engage in … one thing i see with this addiction over and over is that even when not gambling it carries itself on as if it is gambling as an energy/thought form momentum inside that demands energy and attention from other activities … that’s why even 2 days after gambling there is a residue of feeling somewhat detached/paralyzed mentally if it isn’t cleared out.

I’ve found that since i started journaling all this internal residue/webbing/junk/fog/convoluted emotions etc. tied into cravings, after effects, and “preps” of the addiction I’m feeling much, much deeper inner spaciousness to think clearer and feel clearer as well … there is this internal joy and clarity of navigation that springs up inside me that simply feels amazing.

I remember thinking for years of my longing to get back to who i was before experiencing trauma in my late teen years that preceded me getting into forex trading/my compulsive habits with it … but now I realize that person had all kinds of other problems/things to discover too … it was the innocence of feeling untainted by the pitfall/vortex/deep regret and shame gambling/trading has brought that my heart longed for … i can feel that longing in my heart even now … a longing to escape and be free of the spiral …

But as someone pointed out to me, focusing on my new self is much better. My new self has lots more experience and wisdom in many other areas … and given the breathing room of stripping away from gambling urges has a lot of light to shed.

When I read the posts on here I realize that the patterns of emotion, pull, and voices the addiction gives are largely the same … hiding and sequestering an intent to make a large bet later on in the future if i can’t do it now … holding onto that need to get even with what went wrong (this is hard for me to let go of) and the deep desire to “end on a high note” … the drive and push for me to end on a high note is very strong and it is very difficult to shake that feeling … which makes me feel fear … the strength of pushing into something with control that i don’t have control over makes me feel fear … so it’s a tug of war between a blind push forward that says “I will have this and I will have this now or soon” and a deep fear of “what will happen if this goes wrong … I already know what will happen” … the two emotions push and pull on each other and i just stare blankly in my room “on the fence” …

I don’t have a solution for tomorrow though … I only have a solution for today … my solution for today is that i will not check prices/place any trades/bets on today. I will redirect that energy to what I really love/experience joy in underneath and beyond it.

Today I have music to make, knowledge to explore, an outside fresh air to breathe in, healthy food to prepare, friends to talk to, things to clean up, and more … breaking down and separating me from my natural happiness in these things is the first undermining step of a craving … so today I’m reminding myself that the craving will pass and my interest in these things I love will get stronger as the day goes on.

Everything I do outside trading matters far more than anything prices have ever done or ever will do.

Let’s do it.

[IRockVX]

Thanks for sharing GY and Steve. I totally agree about doubling down/knuckling down on this compulsion … there is residue of it in the back of the mind (well at least the back of my mind) even when I’m not gambling … it hangs out as something innocent that isn’t.

Accepting the new me can feel weird/odd at first. For me I know the feelings of struggling to accept it/being caught up in “well I know i’ll give in at some point” or blind optimism disguised as getting out but actually rooted in holding onto the idea of the next bet… the two languages it bounces back and forth between inside (at least for me). I find that thinking tends to be very pinned down/black and white with this addiction where awareness of more than 2 choices of deep extremes is basically numbed by all the energy being consumed even by just thinking about it …

Stepping fully out of that gravity well … however recent, has felt like incredibly deep oxygen to me. It has also made me grateful and acknowledging of the fact that prior to very recently coming to wonderful places like this, I in fact have been successful in widdling down my participation in markets/my form of gambling to have less impact on my life … however widdled down is still very dangerous and draining. Every good step forward truly matters. Your 25 days and the days beyond that matter — always remember that.

Much love and support

[IRockVX]

There’s definitely a sly fake optimism that permeates gambling … an optimism born of chemical addiction in the brain … it’s like a happiness that feeds a monster while simultaneously oppressing real happiness (outside gambling) …

Right now I feel a struggle/competition between the two joys … which one of them ultimately feels better? The real happiness based in things I enjoy outside gambling … the fake happiness is like an oppressive wave in my mind and emotions pushing my real happiness away … “make room for me” …

it’s like my mind goes competely/blank and forgets what real happiness is … so used to forgetting that and having this foggy fake happiness of “so when are you going to trade again?” bouncing in my head … such feelings of emptiness and despair underneath that fog saying to trade …

it also seems to produce confusion and uncertainty/indecisiveness about basic things to decide … fear/dread and false excitement tug push and pull inside … my own fear of what those cravings lead to … no longer wanting to give into the fake happiness and it’s fake smile …

gambling … a monster … a virus … a program … it feels like it shows up as so many things … sometimes i do see it as a monster in my head/imagination and it looks bigger and pushier than me … like a huge crushing weight pushing down on me … “come on come on get with the program!” …

But I feel the evil behind that crushing weight … some times it feels like another me or a “false me” … predatory on self …
sometimes i feel like there’s an emotional predator toward myself within me … like the language of gambling is the language of twisted self manipulation …

I’m very honest to others but I see these lies within coming from my own mind/brain shoving themselves in my face — so pushy and aggressive … in the past i’ve felt paranoid like i’m being attacked by something … which is true — it’s an attack of a craving … understanding that deeper feels more easing …

It seems the cravings themselves produce vivid imagery/voices some times in my imagination — extensions of a hijacked self … as i move toward the light away from them I start to reprieve …

And I’m breathing that oxygen again now. The oxygen of knowing I don’t need it. That taste and flavor of life outside of gambling is so good … a goodness I haven’t felt in years.

I want more of it.

[IRockVX]

Turn it around — yes you will!

Separating the false optimism of the addiction (which holds onto doing the same things over and over) from the true optimism of being free from it … that’s the hardest part i think (for me at least) …  Tap into that true life wave

[IRockVX]

Thank you for sharing!  Your life adversities remind me of life when I was 18 … homeless … dealing with serious stuff … being forced to become an adult rapidly …

The strong desire to be free and feel free is natural … when it translates into huge risk we get into trouble … I’ve been in similar situations.

The vibe and energy of people here is sunshiny … i’m an energetically sensitive person … when i feel casinos and markets (my problem is online trading–a variation of casinos) I see and feel a numbing black hole … a sunken place … 

That place wants to pull us out of what we really do think feel and love … the shame is overwhelming and it’s an incredible relief to bathe in energy that is the opposite of those people and connect with real communication/talk about real issues …

The gambling world is built on denial and deceit … leveraging profit on what seems to be a conjoined influence of biology and personality that lead us into this pitfall …

I know those feelings of burying my face in my hands and rocking back and forth slowly feeling numb isolated and worn down … those terrible feelings that have been trained to be responded to with a bet to gloss over them … slowly that deep sadness is responded to with constructive actions that address it directly  and change it to real happiness/genuine freeing catharsis … little by little we can make that a new muscle memory for the subconscious …

Even if we feel depressed ashamed, lost, forsaken, or even unloved from early life experiences (or current ones) … those feelings never belong in the hands of these dark places … we gotta shield ourselves from them as much as possible.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

So as I interact with others and start to shed the layers of the onion inside myself … the layers of fear and paralysis … I’m starting to get into motion …

I’m looking at what I said I would do in the past but rarely if ever did … take money won from a bet in the market and spend it on something constructive … today in my last post i screwed up by placing an overleveraged bet on at what i perceived to be a good price … I closed it while it was still in profit.

It’s amazing how from doing this my mind grows numb and totally open to spending money on the market gain or loss but gets so tight and hesitant toward spending that money on things that have guaranteed results (for example, buy a meal, food to cook with, student loan etc.) … it’s like the addiction is spending money on uncertainty with comfort and being uncomfortable spending it on certainty …

I feel myself frozen but right now I’m going to break out and do something constructive with my mistake … instead of holding onto this money I made I’m going to post it toward my student loan debt and thus make guaranteed returns by paying less interest/being further out of debt.

I won’t finish this post until I’ve done this …

…

…

Okay! Done … I feel a bit light and fluttery … I don’t think I’ve done that before … I’m so thankful for these communities … I’m watching myself take little steps that I wouldn’t have done on my own before … I waited too many years before joining …

Every step counts … it really does …

[IRockVX]

Not long ago I caved and opened up the market screens and felt those “bursty” feelings come back … I placed two bets (overleveraged) and felt the stress and numbness start to creep back … I closed out before anything turned into a loss and felt my own consciouness calling me not to step in further …

My own thoughts that come from that place are stubborn and distorted … “I want to end this my way” … more layers still than even what I’ve written about … embarrassment …

I’m stepped back away from it now … like pulling my hand off a hot stove before it burns … when i look back in the past i realize that those sinking feelings of embarrassment … guilt … self frustration … sinking and spiraling in those just sucks me back in.

There’s always this thought of idealizing a perfect scenario in my favor to “get back just right” … not just in terms of price but in terms of time … romanticizing “the perfect time” … personalizing my own timing.

Right now I’m taking the time to remind myself that I’m not special with this … I don’t have the magic keys … I’m remembering now what i’ve tended to do in the past when this happens that pulls me back in … beating myself up into a circle … almost like pushing myself back into meaningless actions because “what else is there” …

Well now there are other things … I’ve had 2 amazing days up to this point and felt like my mind and body were further away from this than they have been before … I press the stop button early this time … I know I have this one foot in one foot out subconscious feeling inside … like trying to pull a foot stuck deep in the mud out of it.

I’ve felt the first waves of my other life interests becoming “numb” again … I’m stopping and reminding myself that numbness to life interests is a lie … and the engagement with the markets with emotional interest and absorption is also a lie … risk less … get away …

I’m going day 3 of reading through my inspirational quotes to guard myself from risk … one thing that’s improved over time is i risk less when i “fall in” to this … I still have my savings and hang onto most of them … still even improvements like this get distorted into justifications “it’s not so bad, right?” … those inner justifications are jarring.

My inner visual focus and drive is coming back to what I really care about today … studying music, doing qi gong/health focused stuff, getting up and seeing the sun, and more …

I feel that warmth again … I’ll let the markets stay where they are and get my whole body in motion. I’m ready to do it now.

[IRockVX]

Yes it very much is the feeling of a spider web drawing you in and a numb/”innocent” feeling going into it …

It has made me shiver a bit at times.  Time for new post …

Thanks for your comment  xx

[IRockVX]

So it’s before bed … I’ve had a great day … hit my goals of transferring my impulse to waste my feelings of happiness on something bad into doing what i really wanted to with my time … i feel happy …

And in that happiness is again this shift and pull to do something that will bring it down before i go to sleep … it’s like celebration itself says “look life is great, why not make it ‘even better’ with a bet? What might you have missed out on while you haven’t been looking at the markets?”

And I know those emotions and thoughts are lying … talking in a sweet tone and so “harmless” … like a monster in my head with a sweet tone when it wants to lure me close …
how in the world does stuff like this even exist …

It’s like my own mind telling me it’s “against the rules” that i’m happy … that i haven’t been wasteful … it’s “cheating” to be happy and just enjoy my life …

Why in the world do I feel this way? Like I’m cheating by honestly enjoying myself and getting my things done … like it’s been “too good” for me … why does gambling talk like it’s the voice of “justice” to “level me out”?

It’s crazy … but i know those same triggers … “get revenge” “now’s your chance you’re strong” “you can get ’em back now” … they’re all a lie …

I can’t get that money back … not by doing what those voices say … not by following those feelings … beckoning me back inside the dark room while i breathe freely out of it now …

calling me “home” … those feelings of sadness and deep sorrow are back … hitting me full force right now … laying down feeling paralyzed … gambling presenting itself as the only “juice” that will allow me to move …

But I’m not paralyzed … I can move and still do things and get ready for bed … I can do all of this myself … I don’t need that “juice” … I have it inside me even though I feel heavy sadness right now … feeling like the whole world is slipping through my fingers …

So now i’m feeling the impulses … I can watch them … and I can take them as a cue to act positively and do constructive things and guard myself from risk … just like i did several hours earlier …

I can repeat just what I did and restore that happiness to get deeper still …

That’s what I’ll do now.

[IRockVX]

Hey there,

Try to find as many replacements that are healthy as you can. We’re in this together — you’ve come to the right types of places much faster than I did (I just came 2 days ago and I feel like my soul can breathe again).

Start writing more about what you feel/the distortions that happen with your mind and feelings before you gamble … find local GA meetings … sponsor if you can …

Gather as many tools as possible. Don’t try to “make it back” …

Those things that you put off that you wanted to do AFTER you gambled — do them FIRST instead …

Gambling hijacks and takes over every intention to do what we actually want to … even simple things as getting up and making food … everything you already enjoy it will suck away …

You can break out of this early. Get accountability for your money/someone to help you with it.

Things that will help but not totally overcome it … breathing/qi gong exercises, filling your mind with health based attitude … getting your body in motion … do those things that reconnect you to your power and control.

I know it’s just the beginning and this advice is non-exhaustive. Welcome.

I’m on my journey out too — but it’s not near as bad for me as earlier years …

Much love — make today a gamble free day. Cut the risk.

[IRockVX]

Now I expand on these feelings … I’ve shifted and moved myself into productive activities and what do I feel? Excitement! I’m really excited and feeling that feeling bright and pulsing through me. Wow!

The feeling itself is great — what’s not great? Is that I remember how often in the past it’s feeling so excited like this that happens right before suddenly shifting my focus AWAY from the focused engagement with what felt good (healthy activities) and onto an inclination to bounce around distracted or place a bet in the markets.

I feel these positive emotions are as much an intensity and part of me as the negative … and what’s interesting is just as I’m starting to feel them brighter and warmer something in me wants to “redirect” or shift away from what’s producing them onto something dumb like betting big in the markets …

I’m feeling excited happy and proud of myself in this moment — and when i feel a certain amount of it something “shifts” and suddenly I wanna do something that I know will lead to pain/sadness …

I remember as a kid pushing happier feelings away … like not trusting them in a sense … not trusting my own deeper happiness and feeling like “missing” the “sobering” sad feelings (even though there was no need for me to pursue them because there was plenty of adversity that generated them) …

It’s like my own behavior wants to trip itself up in a loop — “feel sad? go bet to ‘feel better’ than feel worse after”
“feel happy? go put a bet on to ‘humble’ that happiness to who you ‘really’ are”

So it’s not just negative emotions that generate temptation to place bets or do something that is energetically destructive … it’s positive ones as well… the positive feelings start to swell and then the focus suddenly shifts from the continuity of what is genuine and good/producing them into something rotten that eats them up (usually trading).

Am I guilty about feeling happy and enjoying myself in these activities that are actually healthy? Am I so guilty and feel so “wrong” for feeling happy like this that i have to re-route it to something that takes it away when it reaches a certain point?

When i reach deeper into my productive passions, i feel happier and happier … I’m noticing that my brain/mind takes that happiness as a cue to “get out” of my activities that are producing it in the first place …

Tonight I’m going to focus on letting those feelings grow and be a cue to “keep doing” the right things and stay away from what hurts me …

[IRockVX]

You’re right, community matters.  Big time.  I started diving into the GA community well — yesterday to be frank.  All kinds of thoughts and emotions that have been bottled for years are coming out (in an understanding, non-explosive way) … the feelings are incredible.

Just like gamblers/junkie’s binging are the worst people you can be around when you’re trying to quit (if they’re deluded that there’s nothing wrong with the game or players, they’ll feed that delusion to you even if just subconsciously), this is the opposite.

There is a true upward momentum in these support groups that’s based on what’s raw and real and getting the truth out of us/out there.  I’ve realized something instantly today and that is that you need a specific support group for your specific problem — sharing my own troubles with my regular friends/fam never made a difference over the years … their tendency is to empathize/sympathize and say “yea.  Hope maybe something works out” — or in some cases chastise etc.  There is an emotional energetic disconnect.

Each strain of addiction has specific nuances to it, and the gambling/compulsive nature of it is definitely nuanced in a way that generic advice from non-gamblers (in my case) only made me feel weak, pathetic and disempowered.

Let’s put more wind in our sails and cut the risk compulsive betting … in life we have to take risks, but we’re rarely forced to take “huge risk”  “right now” the way gambling and it’s deceitful inner dialogue would have us believe … i remember writing about recently the nature of gambling to numb you to the pleasures of life … to the point where you think the things that will ACTUALLY fulfill you are empty and that gambling of all things will fill your inner craving/hollow feelings inside.  It’s the exact opposite.

Gambling is sinking to a place of disempowerment watching ourselves like watching a tv character on a screen and feeling no control over it … because it becomes a head trip devoid from connection to control over bodily actions.

For me, it’s reversing the polarity of seeing myself quit/change my behavior but acting it out anyway to just quitting/changing my behavior and seeing what was formerly a compulsive action become a thought that i see repeating but don’t act on.

I think that’s a natural progression of eliminating old habits … they move from body to mind where they just appear as thoughts we don’t act on after long enough … and likewise when we finally start acting on good habits they move from mind to body … no longer something we just think about, but something we take action on.

I made this realization during a long diary post about my experience of gambling in the forex/currency markets (which are disguised as a proper ‘business’, but are basically a mirror image of online casinos).

Much support and love friend — keep the cravings dormant and your sprouting life of good things you enjoy growing.

[Author]

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