[IRockVX]

One day at a time,

Yes indeed. Have you discovered new activities to help you replace gambling? How full are your days/how connected do you feel to activities outside gambling?

Sometimes it’s the urge itself creating the pause from getting deeper activities to replace it when not gambling …

Getting really obsessed with health/being healthy is a good outlet.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

I think depression has a natural tendency to want to disappear from being seen and hide itself … I see this in me when i suddenly start losing motivation/momentum with what I’m doing … i feel numb, but when i feel deeper it’s that achy depression feeling hiding itself … hiding and trying to steer things from behind the scenes.

It seems to manifest as a sudden wave of fatigue and sometimes it hits me hard and heavy in a matter of a moment and I’m like “what happened? I was just full of energy and gusto to push on for a few hours?”

I feel my deepest feelings of sadness tend to try to bend things from behind the scenes of my mind … like a black tree spreading its roots … there’s a very fine line between giving voice to an emotion and letting it expand itself to take over other emotions and be predominant …

It’s like my emotions come and go in waves and have different voices … right now I’m feeling a voice deeper inside that’s guiding me to waste time/move into a stand still depressed state … I think this is definitely a case of turning me into food for emotions of sadness and regret.

I can acknowledge those feelings now, but also acknowledge there is no point in me feeding them and can just let them rest where they are … there’s a fine line between therapeutic release and reinforcing/drawing attention to dark emotions to make them grow and take things over …

It would benefit all of us to know when we are letting our negative feelings actually get therapied/freed and when it is a “false release” that is in fact just feeding the emotion more of itself to swell and grow against out own best interest …

There should be clearer ways of knowing this … maybe my understanding will deepen in the future. For now I’ll aim not to feed those feelings and move my mind and body into finishing the activities I need to before bed. The sadness is here — let it be a trigger of fuel for me to express calmness.

Maybe each negative emotion has a positive state that it’s most closely associated with “flipping” into … Anger and passion … sadness and calmness … jealousy and motivation … cynicism and wise caution …

Move the channels into better places …

[IRockVX]

Thanks for your great comments.  Yes it’s all about getting the body and spirit in motion … I think multiple angles of approach is excellent and the way to go …

The spiritual side of my journey is radically different/dives into quite deep stuff including the very nature of the universe and what is outside it … too much for most to handle right now.

That being said I think you have a good grasp of using real love energy and testing the truth with your heart.  You’re an intuitive person, bonnie?  You ‘feel’ the truth or falsehood of things in the undercurrent of the unconscious?

Thanks again for sharing your message.  This forum is awesome.  Stay gamble free!  : )

[IRockVX]

I know exactly how you feel about the vast internal pressure of restraining the beast. It’s always tugging — or will go away for a while then surge up and tug you more.

6 months is amazing! Sustained longevity and support will help you tackle the oppressive beast within. It’s certainly helping me (I just joined last week).

Cheers

[IRockVX]

Great job both of you!

Yes I’m finding the thoughts and cravings and some times waves of depression hitting me as I climb through this (like you described thinking about winning the lottery). Going back and forth between waves of oxygen/deeper joy and anxiety/paralysis about not gambling.

Let’s keep going! Gamble free day

[IRockVX]

I feel I write a lot … oh well …

This morning I woke up with a feeling of certainty in negative expectation about things in my life I’m working on … like a disconnect … it feels artificial …

I don’t know why but some part of me inside is interpreting my success and drive as certainty that I’ll fail. I feel quite strange. I haven’t added any new bets/been away from the markets mostly– pushing myself not to think about or check prices. I get this strange feeling in my hands like a hot energy that feels stirred up about this.

The change that’s happening last few days (which feels good) just feels THAT wrong to some part of me … The more I disconnect myself from risk and betting the more these layers of emotion and past and thought bubble up like boiling water on a stove …

People describe gambling as a madness — it certainly feels has felt and looks like that in every stage … to me it feels like an inner madness to feel this much emotional resistance to getting out of positions of entrapment and letting my currents of connection and happiness emerge …

It feels hard to tap into or really talk about it … seems like the madness of the language of the attachment layering back and forth with sadness … the voice of the urge definitely feels like the voice of madness …

People have described it as two separate entities — one the real you and the other the addiction … that’s exactly what I feel and see in my imagination right now … I feel me simple straightforward and direct … and I feel this “other” as someone twisted and hungry to bend and twist things for a high …

Shame … that’s the word I was trying to think of earlier … interplay sandwich of madness and shame … I feel like the voice of the madness hides feelings of deeper shame … and possibly vice versa as well… they feel like they hide each other.

Shame hides madness of addiction/attachment feelings … and madness of attachment hides the shame … like those two feelings feel like they’re oscillating in a feedback loop …

The confidence and intentions of the madness (the voice that tells me something’s terribly wrong if I don’t make some kind of market move “now”) feel soaked in confusion and self destruction … gambling feels like the digital equivalent of self harm or cutting.

I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that … I haven’t self harmed or thought about in years (not since late teen years — even then it was more of a strong thought/feeling than something i followed through with much) … but that does feel like part of the feelings under the surface that trigger an urge to bet …

I went through a lot of crazy stuff in a short period of time after turning 18 and felt like i had to push all those feelings down deep … I was intent on survival at that time and the motive was to deny feelings of self harm to keep myself out of the hands of destructive people who would harm me further if I told them about it. I didn’t feel safe.

Fast forward 10 years later and I’m here wondering to myself if this is another emotion that the addiction drew from in the early stages … it seems like CG feeds on different wavelengths of emotional and thought triggers and spreads itself like roots of a plant or tree deeper into consciousness … burying the root triggers behind the urges and fogging them up …

The two definitely feel hand in hand though as I write this … I have no intention to actually do (and haven’t taken any physical action toward in years) any form of self harm, but it feels like a deeply buried emotion about knives cutting that triggers an urge to bet … it feels scary to even say or share that. Back then I was around dangerous people who would hurt me worse if that knowledge was shared.

But it does feel like an urge to hurt myself pulsing there … with words, with feelings, with facial expressions, with imagination, etc. … a drive and emotional yearning for a slice of pain to “feel alive” or whatever … the urge to check prices feels like a translated digital emotional urge to hurt my own spirit and feelings … to step on myself …

These memories and feelings are quite unpleasant and i feel embarrassed in them … embarrassed that they are still there … I guess I forgot who I was as a kid … so many intense negative emotions pulsed and pushed toward the person I saw in the mirror …

Do gambler’s hate themselves so much because they bet? Or do they bet because they hate themselves? Feels like a catch 22 that probably started with the latter … but feeds itself like a vicious dark whirlwind …

Self hate feeds the urge to bet … the urge to bet feeds self hate/shame … even just feeling the urges feels shameful …
I thought “I’ve already written about this and feel better” — which I have. I keep feeling this oxygen I’m reaching for, but am breaking into deeper layers of the roots of this thing as I go on …

It does feel like a hunger that won’t be satisfied til I feel pain inside … an urge for my own pain and disappointment … an urge to let myself down … so strong. Too strong. And an urge to feel greater discomfort in staying clean and acting in my own best interest … “I must make myself fail” … filtering my surroundings and everything I see through the eyes of looking for resources that will create my own failure/downfall …

Only thing I can think of is feeding this emotional urge into my drive to succeed/guard myself against risk and harm … the urge to feel hurt and pain triggering and shifting into connected action of acting in my own best interest.

I know I repeat a lot … I feel shame in that repetition… like I shouldn’t be writing about all this … shouldn’t be digging deeper … that it’s boring that no one cares and that i most certainly should not care …

These emotional waves are intense … I’ll keep going through the layers but for now will let what I’m feeling serve as a cue for me to give positive self expression in my day today.

<3

[IRockVX]

Yes!  Risk is always around the corner.  The addiction just creates so many distorted thoughts including ones that all is well just relax … like it just wants you to lower your guard.  You can’t lower your guard against gambling — when it seems like the coast is clear and you’re over it, you’re not!

I’m watching my cravings during these first few days surge and go in waves — when I get the craving pushed back enough I feel deep joy underneath it … even just the craving steals my happiness and sense of connection to the world around me.  I don’t realize how much it’s consuming my brain/turning it into a fog til it’s pushed further back and i’m more “here and now”

[IRockVX]

I’m finding that right now I’m hit with a wave of depression/sadness … I know this is a trigger to bet or think about betting so i’m choosing to write about it instead …

Emotions come and go in waves … right now the wave is a sharp depression … I haven’t placed a bet … but just feel tired and sad … i’m remembering times when i’ve used the bet to “jolt me out” of those feelings …

I also notice that when I feel these feelings time slows down a lot like i’m moving under water… the emotions themselves feel under water … My thoughts move super slow too …

It’s weird because I can switch between these states of my thoughts moving very fast (sometimes too fast) and other times very slow like now.

It’s like a feeling and mentality that is non-intuitive and disconnected from my real senses about things … expecting failure and disappointment from engaging my normal life things that I enjoy. A sudden shift of expectation, even though I know it isn’t true.

Likewise the shift includes the idea of relief if i place a bet. If i were to perceive it as the voice of the addiction, it would be my emotions leveraging negative feelings up higher to convince myself to give myself something i want that isn’t good for me or to skip over my own interest/passions and work. The voice of this depression feels dishonest

It feels dishonest because it feels it just wants to present itself to me to leverage certain behaviors of satisfying a craving … just another twist created by the addiction/craving.

“I’m sad and I won’t be happy until what I want is met”
“I can’t do it”

It feels like the inner voice of a child whining to a parent — but it’s me whining to myself to disengage from caring about what I know I need to care about so i can get distracted/fall into something destructive like placing a spread bet (or staring at prices of different markets like pieces of candy in a candy shop … ). It’s like a child’s mind that wants everything now and demands it now …

This to me is just an example of the language of the compulsion leveraging negative feelings to trigger the feedback loop of the destructive hole. Looking for something negative to grab onto and make bigger to create rationalization for indifferent behavior.

I always feel a deep joy come back to me when I write this all out and take time to encourage someone else. I’m feeling it return again now, and am going to follow through with “spiralling” this good feeling and motivation instead.

[IRockVX]

I’m out the outskirts/have experienced greater mindspace from markets again — feels so good. The more I write about it share and interact, the freer I feel … but I can’t take it for granted that I’m out of the woods now.

For me the urge to worry and watch with worry hits my mind before i open or do anything with screens or charts … It’s like if I’m not worried about what’s happening my mind is like “something’s wrong” … as if it’s wrong not to be worried about it or feel anxious … that worry and watching whether live or in my mind is what precedes decision making against my own best interest that pushes into compulsion … the weight and pressure to make the worry a reality …

I’m carefree and relaxed when there is no bet (or when the risk has been removed in other words) … but it’s like that voice in my mind says “why aren’t you worrying? Why aren’t you in a situation that makes you feel anxious and concerned?” … it’s like just relaxing and letting go isn’t accepted by my subconscious … not by that voice …

That inner drive pushes to create panic and fear in me mentally, even when risk and betting is off the table … this panicky finicky anxiety produced by having too much risk/gambling/jumping in and out is like the “comfort zone” of that voice … “ahh that’s better now I feel anxious and worried again” … it feels like not only an attachment to bet and bet again/change something for the sake of changing it, but to feed myself into a high stress high worry state … fight or flight …

When I’m in that state I feel like I’m gasping for air even though I can breathe … I feel like I can’t breathe even though I can … it’s like I’m drowning in my mind … and if I’m not drowing then I’m drawn into something like this til I feel like I am … my breathing/chest tension with a feeling of gasping for air becomes the “target” of the compulsive actions …

When I’m more aligned and relaxed I’m not in that fearful state or overly concerned about things … I surf it like a wave and life feels just fine … I work through things with smoothness and tension …

The longer I stay in that state (which I’ve been experiencing more and more of from being in groups like this), the more some part of me is like “what the heck is going on this isn’t normal” — Deeper down feeling trapped and gasping for air is like the homeostasis to get back to and feeling relaxed sunny and peachy is an “odd” weird thing to avoid.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and spoke very little … whenever I felt deeply happy feelings some cynical part of me would perceive them as strange immature or odd …
I think I had enough repeated experiences growing up where sadness became like my “image of maturity” and i felt cold and separated from people … some part of me didn’t want to warm up to things. Part of this was a deep raw and real way I had of looking at things without sugar coating them, but another element is just plain cynicism and distrusting in those genuine feelings of deep bliss that would show up out of the pocket from time to time … I would go silent and stale and think to myself “yup this is gonna pass soon and I’ll go back to feeling low” …

I remember staring out the window of a school building looking at sunshine trees and birds and feeling a quiet bliss and just waiting for it to pass with distrust …

Sadness and pain always seemed to be what I was supposed to stay rooted in by my own perceptions to stay “real” … to be “pure” … it’s like I couldn’t see myself as real if I didn’t anchor into a quiet, sober, sad observing state … pain made things real … maybe it’s because that’s all I heard over and over from “up top” and wanted to connect to someone in the house always expressing that as the definition and meaning of life …

Maybe part (i doubt all) of the urge to bet is “going back home” to an internalized perspective/emotion/voice that is stubborn and needs to break up and break free more. Like reaching for home even if home back then was full of sadness and pain.

I’ve broken away from the cynicism in layers over the years, but noticed the feelings of it as I wrote about the urge to bet … I think each bet/gamble is like food to feed the cynical voice … “of course” “here we go again” “yea this is the way it is” …

I know that making a deeper shift means fleshing out my emotional cynicism … it doesn’t mean being sunshine and rainbows/forced optimism … but there is this inner expectation and cynical emotional force inside me that freezes pauses and waits for defeat … I feel like that feeling is what lights up when I put on a bet/make a decision that I know will lead to my pain and suffering … it’s a feeling of “i have to lose in life” …

I find myself wanting to dig up and shake out this part of me (who was a predominant part/huge element of my attitude as a child and teen) as time has gone on … because the deeper happier lucid clear and focused part of me loves living with passion and inspiring myself and others … it has no interest in cringing and collapsing before the pressure, but to stay steady and strong …

I think the voice and emotions of the addiction hijack both — the dark cynical shade becomes fuel for the prophecy of betting and losing … whereas the strong persistent shade becomes twisted into strength and persistence IN MAKING MORE BETS AND BIGGER ONES instead of strength and persistence in waiting/stepping away/pushing the charts away … virtue of strength and resilience get twisted into stubbornness to fulfill a cycal prophecy …

What would it look like if the opposite were true? What if my strength and resilience bent my cynicism into wise caution for danger instead of distrust in taking actions that are truly healthy for me? I’ve experienced pockets of this before …

It feels much much more aligned with how I’m meant to be internally … letting my virtues bend my vices into expressions of good instead of vice versa …

The human experience as well as addictions are truly a battle within with twists like these …

This week I’ll look to be more sensitively aware to what type of “inner bending” is going on … there always seems to be something of the sort in those regards … if the better part of me isn’t bending the weaker/stunted part, then vice versa is the case … the momentum of one will swing or the other will … there doesn’t seem to be in between in this. Not when it comes to compulsions to bet which demands answers and actions.

[IRockVX]

Thank you,

My appetite for risk and to act is becoming delayed/widdling bit by bit as I write about this and interact with others here.  My emotions and productivity the last few days have been vibrant.

There’s a unique “real high” of being here and stopping the big bets that feels so much deeper and meaningful than the high of the urge to bet/big wins … The numbness is still coming and going, but my emotional connection to life itself is getting deeper and more vibrant.

I will keep writing and interacting 🙂

[IRockVX]

Keep writing, keep sharing.

The feelings of gambling are deep pain and isolated numbness I know how you feel.  There is a way out — it isn’t going to be rapid.  You’re angry numb and sad because you feel the pull of the spiral.

One thing I know you have to do is make sure you get lots of healthy activities and remember what else besides gambling interests you and push push yourself to immerse in those activities.

The voice of the addiction says all of those things/life doesn’t matter, but gambling does.  It’s inverted and twisted.  Placing huge bets doesn’t matter (at all) — your life means everything.  Your emotions are numb to this right now and that voice saying otherwise is loud; don’t trust it.  Don’t trust that voice twisting your feelings and priorities around.

I know it’s like coming out of a total mindtwist that this addiction creates.  Keep sharing, and start one day at a time with some form of improvement.  Step by step by step.

You can do this.  I’ve only been here a few days and already improving a lot in getting my mind off the gamble/spread betting little by little.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

I had an amazing weekend … as anticipated when markets opened I checked them … I delayed and had less of a pull/push to check them. I did once again place 2 trades (no standing loss/result now) but with much less risk than in the past. I’ve shut it away and am gearing my mind back to moving away from it.

I feel I’m moving in layers here and delaying how much time it is before i look, not checking prices at all, and pushing myself to guard my risk so when my impulse hits i’m risking less … I am 3 camps divided inside: 1. Bet huge bet often (this is the one I’m noticing the biggest reduction in over time, and boost to reduce since coming here). 2. Reduce risk and bet reasonably at good times only (the desire for this is strong and hard to shut off. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a strong part of me that wants to strongly reduce my exposure to anything beyond reasonable risk at good times by treating all of it as gambling and pulling hard away from it/talking out my layers behind my actions. 3. Stop trading all together. In context of temporarily, this desire is strong. In context of forever, realistically it is a weaker desire than no. 2 mentioned above. My desire to reduce my risk and not make any moves that qualify as gamble moves is outpacing my desire to stop forever … maybe that’s part of getting tripped up … the word “forever” …

I remember in 2014 being one of very few who predicted a large rally into the US dollar coming forth soon — I started leveraging big on it, at first lost one or two thousand … then i took a stake of 3,000 and ended up betting it all the way up to 50k and a peak of 104k selling the NZD/USD … I was on the right side and had made the correct prediction, but kept compulsively jumping in and out+doubting myself. I experienced extreme emotions, and never withdrew any of the money until it was brought all the way back down to where I started and a bit below. My first run up was in gold and silver in 2011 when they went into bubble phase … i bid an account up to 20k then all the way back down …back in those days I was just buying as much as possible as price moved favorably … what I do today is much less risky and less gambling but still full of compulsive pushes and pulls that are far from fully gone out of my life.

There was always a tremendous sense of urgency/fear of missing something behind those actions … even today I feel that pushing sense of urgency … urgency is the language of gambling … a tremendous feeling of being left behind by everyone and everything and needing to have a lot of money to keep up … needing to hold a lot of it to feel like I’m even remotely on pace with any one … the irony is that in expression of gamble bets/spread betting/overtrading I end up feeling more behind, detached from, separated from, emotionally distanced from, and away from the world and those people i initially bet to keep up with.

So that feeling of being behind others is a constant … no matter where i am or how far ahead i get with anything in my life i always have this feeling of being behind … like this person way way way behind it all in the dark … my mind moves faster than my body in terms of this (spread betting/trading) and much slower than my body in all the other areas of my life …

I’m following through with my commitment to read inspirational quotes to guard myself against risky behavior/protect myself from risk … while I do see results I also see and feel myself feeling inferior, weaker, falling behind in my measurement of money.

I guess that’s how I feel about myself and money in the first place … no matter how much I have I feel like I’m behind or moving like a snail … i feel envy and separation looking at others regardless of how much money they have or don’t …

I know that I have enough and will have enough to get what I need in the future … the need feels strongest emotionally in terms of needing to feel like I’m not behind … but it’s a see saw effect … on one hand I feel behind in terms of how much money I have (or don’t have) and that I’m not keeping up … on the other hand I feel behind when I overleverage even when I win a lot because even then I feel in the back of my mind “I’m not doing this the right way — I’m behind in using the correct approach or stopping” … the see saw can be mentally poignant at times and draining … back and forth … I feel like this is one reason for pulsing in and out of trades when there is no reason to or always feeling like I’m doing something wrong whether I’m betting big, small, or not at all.

There is an undercurrent feeling of being a massively slow person/learner/financial achiever etc. … no one I know would consider me “massively slow”, but it’s how I perceive myself and feel inside … a feeling that everything about me should be better and faster than it is … so i burn and push and push on myself then get tired … burning push and deep fatigue after burn out … i’ve run that cycle many times before.

I feel I’m disconnected from working with my body/biological material/brain, personality, and learning pace with where it is in a more harmonious manner … some times I feel like a pushy person toward myself … this has gotten better/relaxed over time … but that pushiness toward self when too far ends up spilling over and becoming an edginess with others as well. Passive aggressive expressions … and shame underneath … self aggression feeds shame … shame feeds indifference … indifference creates weaker results … weaker results feed stronger self aggression … it’s a vicious cycle of emotional states feeding each other in a loop … like a negative emotional triangle …

I’m suspect that these combination triangles/loops are the fuel behind a lot of disorders/compulsive issues. There’s no one emotion that causes it all, nor one trigger. The triggers and emotions activate each other and start a loop of fire that spins hotter and faster and depend on each other’s activities to keep it fueling … I think in the past I’ve gotten caught up in trying to only reduce one … tonight I’ll put my mind on reducing all three at the same time … self aggression, shame, indifference. It feels like the deepest negative emotional loops tend to the ones most deeplys subconsciously lodged/dodgy and avoidant …

That paralysis comes back and the feeling of not being able to move … once again I remind myself that the feelings of having no choice/not being able to move come from the voice of compulsion/the layers within and underneath it.

I haven’t found a core enough desire underneath that to fully stop yet … but my desires above that to slow down/pull the plug sooner and risk less are so far being met … I realize this is a slippery slope and i’m nobody special. My emotions are mixed in a blender about it … I feel two fears … one of them is failing to achieve my financial goals, and the other is the fear of loss … these fears play tug of war with each other in jolty back and forth movements … and seem to be another undercurrent influence of moving in and out/on and off the fence of things.

For now I recognize improvement and take heed to the dangers ahead … the past few days have been bliss like … the joy I’ve felt has been incredible. Even now that joy and strength is there inside me underneath that pile of emotional gunk I just typed up.

It’s been a productive day, and I still have more to do tonight to fill my passions up/further pull me away from the screens.

Once again I feel weight lifted off my chest … how did i get through all those years carrying this weight …

Time to get to it

[IRockVX]

Inspiring to hear that thank you.  Yes, it does feel very much a separate entity/atler ego/some demon/etc.

I think my higher power is connecting my spirit and mind to strong individuals who seek truth and liberation in their lives from entrapment.

This place itself feels like a higher power to me.  🙂

[IRockVX]

I felt a strange sleepiness and shaking in my body after that last post … after feeling the truth sink in … a sense of panic and deep fear and my body trembling … i don’t know if it was withdrawal or what …

but def feels like nervous tension and fear and the feeling of wanting to cry out … crying out for the loss crying out to not let go … I’m feeling bad memories from the past pop in … coldness. I feel I’ve gotten used to that “detached feeling” from my years of life … the feeling of being taken over by something … and losing control and feeling an agitated struggle to wrestle with it from an altered state engineered by trauma …

sometimes feeling trading/markets creeping on feels just like those old things that happened creeping onto me … where I was put into another state and didn’t have control over my thoughts, memories, or body as much … my cognition was blurred into haze and fog … i felt stupid to my core … the deep deep deep emotional entrenchment in those feelings of having no control/being in a daze seem to bubble up with the urge to gamble … to feel high and entrenched in having no control.

It does feel like i have a deeper urge to plunge myself into a situation where I feel trapped/don’t have a way out and just park myself there as my life force drains out … drawn to it like a hot magnet … the feeling of being deeply attached to not having free will or control over myself is overwhelming … even before certain trauamas …

Even as a child I felt this recognition looking at characters who were strapped/tied down being tortured or trapped … i felt this ‘i can’t breathe’ feeling and felt like i was them …

intellectually it feels like a fake identity, but emotionally i feel this strong “that’s me” with all of it… my emotions say “oh yes, that’s me” to tied up character who can’t move. Intellectually I’ve been digging/shifting very slowly away from this over time, but that deep core that holds on is stubborn … it’s this feeling of “i know i can make my own plans and do what i want within reason, but how do i know i’m free?” …

My heart and emotions feel like they’re slowly melting/changing into a deeper embrace of freedom and making free choices…. too slow though.

It seems those are the very feelings I go through when i trade/gamble or feel the urge creeping on

[IRockVX]

As I write this, a family member had an emotional melt down. I feel the heat waves of energy passing by in the air.

I’m reminded of two things: 1. How i’ve gambled in the past when I’ve gotten angry. 2. How much easier it is to have capacity to deal with stress when I’m not in the middle of the gambling hole.

My emotional resilience and capacity for stress (in addition to intuition) are all skewed/much harder to work with when I gamble/trade in live forex markets. I’m finding that it’s relatively easy to stay calm around people (and focused on my tasks relatively) who get emotional when I’m outside of gambling … when my emotional energy field and heart are pulled more fully away from it …

The emotional excitement of this is competing with (and I feel gaining, very slowly …) footing over the emotional impulse to place a huge bet to “let it out” …

I can feel the pull and the hidden intent in the voice of the addiction: Markets open Sunday night, click bang fire all in! No thought or reflection no consideration of the risk nothing just all in. Any terms are good terms (or rather “such and such happened friday” (Non Farm Payrolls), that’s a turning point. It looks great now! Now’s a great time!)

For the impulse and addiction, now is ALWAYS good time … it’s sweet talked up as strategy that prys and bends its way with no mercy into “just act now, highest amount”. Sunday night will be a challenge for me — I already know this.

I think holding onto the idea of becoming a proper risk manager (like the pros i idolized in starting years) i still cling to within … and it creates inner cognitive dissonance.

I feel shame and confusion, because I know that reducing my risk is an improvement, but doesn’t address the issue of the compulsion itself. I’ve watched myself lose less and grow over time (limited loss financially/breakeven long chunks of time … still ending down and much more emotionally devastated than anything else) and the growth and improvement i have seen in how i handle risk in my daily life contributes only more curiosity cognitive dissonance … “can i handle this…” “if i pull myself away deep enough, can i stay limited…?” “is this forever?” …

I know very few end on a high note and not many can just control/cut back to manageable levels after hitting an addiction level … I feel sadness and despair/defeat in the thought of that … there’s still the part of me that really wants to “make things right” … wants to “end it my way” … “even it out” … “it’s not over til it ends my way” … i feel anger and determination in those statements …

Accepting the brokenness of either truly dropping risk tier to an emotionless level or quitting cold turkey is still hard to fully face/take on … coming back to a position feels like coming back to a life vest while i’m in the cold waters … but the life vest is made of thorns that inject a numbing poison in you so you don’t feel them pricking your skin or drawing blood … that’s what gambling (overleveraged trading) is …. feelings of being a nobody/insignficant/unimportant without it … unvalued without it …. heart aching for a sense of value …

Rationally however after unwinding this I can speak a deeper truth to myself … i can feel a part of me that doesn’t even want to hear this truth … that overleveraging makes me less valuable … holding onto that illusory money makes me worth less not more … because it’s doing the wrong thing …

Once again a reverse polarity of perception created through gambling uncovered … I am more valuable not in my state of not gambling than I am in the state of holding onto a high leveraged position. I mean more, am worth more, have more to offer, and more to to enjoy …I can say this and hear it as true. In the sea of numbness I don’t feel it yet … but I know that glimmer of me wants to. I want to feel that truth.

I will soon.

[Author]

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