[IRockVX]

Back here to document my emotions/inklings.

No cravings/urges all weekend — no price action staring or urge to bet.

I finally opened up and did peak at prices though — and I’m reminded of something the urge to gamble does … namely create hesitation in the face of certainty and boldness in the face of uncertainty …

aka there is a generation of hesitation/remorse/holding back at certain outcomes where the risk is known and the reward is too (for example, going to work to earn money) … I feel I see this with my approach to my business with music and spirituality … instead of embracing certainty with actions that lead to results, there is a tendency to want to hang out … to feel shy and sheepish about jumping into action when I know the risk is contained and it’s safe to take action for results. Strange? Strange.

The very nature itself is to make numbers in my head (even when not betting or eve thinking about betting) feel like random swimming objects that are hard to grasp … that’s probably the effect of addictive behavior with numbers over the years …

Things are going great … but I did want to check in to write about this urge to hesitate on certainty … I think it’s just remnants of the pull to go back into randomness and uncertainty/turn this into a betting game again. Wanting to “slip back” into betting big … small/normal life risks don’t produce huge rushes and thrills/rush of chemicals to the brain … so hesitation/numbness and indifference to them seems more like old appetite in play.

It’s normal to fluidly go through normal life risks and embrace them though … that’s where I’ll steer my focus now.

… gambling has a way of talking to me like “hey wanna play again and have fun?” … every pore of my being is repulsed with it … it’s like a sociopath crazy killer asking if you want to dance.

No thanks

[IRockVX]

So the material of my last entry seems to have some validity…

I woke up today feeling kind of blue, after reflecting and writing out my journal entry … i realized that at least part of it was indeed just an going addiction the state of being “blue” (or sad)

I realize it makes sense, because of all my time practicing calmness and relaxation over time, it’s understood that anger and tension are states that get wired in and eventually addicted to when they aren’t overcome over time with other practices …

So I now realize that my deeper emotional state is comprised of deeper “residual” consciousness (i.e. the deepest emotions i’m preserving and attached or addicted to) and the passing feelings that come and go.

I practiced music for 5 hours instead of trying to “therapy” my depression … I recognized the thoughts and feelings of the depression as tempting substances and didn’t touch or pick them up … when i did this i realized i had the space to take action on what would contribute to my own deeper happiness today and long term (practicing music) …

Because gambling is such a hollowed out and empty experience … it seems these residual emotions could both have preceded the addiction as well as been intesified or become residual through it … maybe gambling is part of an experience of getting addicted to feeling empty or hollow inside … or at the least reinforces those feelings …

There is a feeling of emptiness craving to be filled by gambling… gambling which is just another form of emptiness fills emptiness with emptiness and makes the new emptiness deeper … feeding the cycle of craving it in the first place …

I don’t think it’s a big jump in conclusion to say emotional wiring and addiction to sadness and emptiness go hand in hand with addiction to gambling … pity anger sadness passivity emptiness … I think gambling takes these emotions and leverages them deep inside us to make them more intense ….

Cravings for price action still quite low/meek. I’ll come back here to write and interact when more thoughts hit or craving does.

<3

[IRockVX]

Hey Carter,

Welcome. You’re in the right place — have you identified any GA groups near you — that’s a good place to go.

I recommend doing what others have done on here which is banning yourself from the casinos — have you used gamstop?

I also recommending continuing to write — lots. Start writing about why you gamble. Try to dig up your emotions and roots behind your lifestyle choices.

There isn’t a quick fix for this, but if you’re determined to stop, it’s a great time to connect with other people who have as well as putting your mind heart and body focused on health. We are obsessive creatures by nature–if we can get healthy addictions they can start to fill in the gap for unhealthy ones.

Also, have you used the Live Support here yet?

[IRockVX]

Hi Emma and CMC,

Thanks for posting. Might be worth exploring triggers and writing about your emotional states that are happening before you gamble … try to pinpoint the feeling states that are deeper underneath the urges … and write them out. They can be quite messy.

I’ve been doing this on this forum for about a week and it’s felt enormously healthy …

Because our triggers are part of the addiction, I don’t think it’s an unfair assumption to consider them as possible links of addiction themselves i.e. addiction to the triggers …

I find that thoughts and emotions tend to clump up in pairs of 2 or 3 and form circles/cycles of destruction within us … when they’re paired up they’re much more deadly than alone … example gambling depression alcohol … or depression anger and gambling …

I think writing about the tendency of negative emotions/thoughts and experiences to clump together and feed each other in a circle is worth diving into understanding and breaking down. I’ve found this very helpful as well.

I think ultimately we want to create our own positive spirals that come as a result of breaking down the negative ones that led to us gambling in the first place … We always seem to be moving in circles and spirals with these clumps of thoughts and feelings be they positive or negative …

A positive spiral would be … “i resisted urges longer” “I didn’t gamble this week” “I’m feeling confident” “I wrote in my journal and interacted with other people who’ve quit more — I’m socializing more” “I’m feeling happier” “the urges are back, but I’m feeling better; I want to resist again, let me talk to someone who can help” “I resisted the urges again” “I didn’t gamble 2nd week” “I’m feeling more confident and better emotionally even than last week. I feel confident”

Those clumps of thoughts emotions and experiences begin to spiral and create an “upward spiral” … I think in some respect we have to learn to create upward spirals that chain many resources emotions and routines together — there’s no “one thing” that overcomes all those negative spirals together … we need a chain of things working together generating momentum like an airplane before takeoff.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

Surprisingly, I’m losing my urge to look at market prices/gamble by chance … the cravings for that feel much weaker (however that could just be this part of the “cycle”). The improvement is noticeable … I’m still reading my quotes everyday about the importance of guarding myself from risky things …

In this post what comes to mind are these feelings and states of being that are still in me that are a bit messy — the content underneath the cravings. I’ve been writing about how emotional pulls are some times messages to look at something, sometimes some feeling that needs to be released, and some times a negative emotion that’s building itself …

For now I’m reflecting at the types of emotional states that are like addictions/become that way … because certain ones for me seem to be “constant” or want to present themselves that way whereas others come and go … this makes me identify it more as an addictive state than a passing feeling.

For me this would be depression … I don’t think people even view depression as some times being an addiction in itself, but I think it’s entirely possible and everyone knows there is a difference between someone who is depressed and wants to heal and better themselves and someone who is depressed and leverages it to get attention/does not remedy the source of their depression …

For the latter I’ve been exposed to such people (and I was also raised by one) … which is why I think it’s valuable to take a look at these depressive feelings (which have been big catalysts for gambling urges in the markets in the past) and see what it’s like to see them that way …

The thoughts and feelings of the depression are “certain defeat” … and fear … for me it’s like this fear I had when I was a kid of losing those feelings of deep sadness … like I would be “fake” if I lost them … if I let them go … so there was always this desire to hold deeper sadness/the ability to access the state in as something remembered … i don’t think i did the same thing with happiness/joy … but viewed that as a threat to the deep feeling sadness I was experiencing/holding in …

There’s definitely a part of me that’s sick of this though … I don’t have to define the experience of others, but I know for myself the deeper internal state of defending darkness and hopelessness is a bit of an addiction and creates self fulfillin prophecies in what it manifests … i believe gambling/random trades in the markets has been a reflection of fulfilling this “foresight” of “knowing” things end with sadness and defeat …

In that place life itself feels heavily defined that way … but when I look at it honestly the depression feelings are always the same and saying the same thing … they’re a big coloration that come from fear and indulgence … those slow moving dark thoughts of not being able to achieve what I want today start to spin and work their way like a spiral within and the feeling of things slipping out of my hand comes true …

I think when you experience loss and the sensation of things being stripped out of your hands enough, you can become addicted to the expectation of that, and in my case i think part of that is in play … there are things externally in life we can’t control when they are lost … but there are things we can control from within. My trouble with myself is seeing this emotional attitude that these elements I have control over can’t or won’t influence my future …

The depression feels like a disconnect from recognizing and sensing cause and effect … it feels like hiding from cause and effect and not knowing it. Pronouncing no correlation/recognition of cause (my actions/taking action on what I have power to take action on) and effect (how I feel about myself and life as result of my choices). It’s like a layer of denial (and I’ve definitely seen this denial more pronounced in others I’ve been close with) of what brings happiness …

I know there is at least some truth in this idea of recognizing the emotions that go into addictions like gambling as being addictive triggers themselves … after all if an emotion is serving an addiction (i.e. the weakness of depression or chaos of deep anger), then part of that addiction will be to hold on to that emotion … I do feel that’s part of it …

I’m not craving bets right now, but I’m craving sadness/to feel sad … I feel this craving is an indirect craving to what bets later could lead from it … because a disempowered state is usually the precursor to placing bets/making random adjustments in my life that don’t serve my best interest.

I think I’ll start trying to notice cravings for triggers and trigger states mroe on this journey … because I want to be thorough. I don’t and cannot assume just because I’ve had a good first week I’ve figured it all out and things are rosy. I want to be thorough with myself and explore the depth of a truly recovered lifestyle.

[IRockVX]

Yea sleeping enough def important.  I know the feeling of being overtaken by fatigue/a longing for a deep rest to get away from the numbness and shear exhaustion that comes from not only gambling but the withdrawal of not doing it any more … still early on in my adjustments.

Keep going you’ll make it through

[IRockVX]

It’s been a very successful week … I went through some intense phases of emotions/sorrow that hit me pretty hard midweek.

Now the results of not giving into place an oversized-hang-myself-bet in the markets show their fruit. I’m stable and so are my finances. I’m taking every time I get a craving as a chance to write about it or talk to someone. Encouraging and helping others helps too.

It takes a certain level of self honesty for those of us who even survived this horrible thing called gambling to find each other … a level of self honesty and inner strength to even make it that far is powerful.

Gambling is one evil nasty monster, and we’re defeating it together. I feel so much integrity and value in the collective energy that stands against it. I’m so grateful for all of you. Sincerely.

[IRockVX]

Glad you’re here.

Have you joined local Gambler’s Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous locally in person yet? I recommend you do.

You’ve made the first step. Please keep posting here and keep writing — if you haven’t talked to anyone on live support on this website, please do that as well. Someone can talk to you live. You’re not alone.

I was 19 when my down hill gambling habits with Forex Markets were born and I couldn’t control the urges to bet huge and wait til I lost to stop … bet small amt of money maxed out sizes made huge and lost it all.

I’ve only been on here and other FB groups for gambling support for a week and i’ve taken every chance I get to journal or talk to someone when i get an urge to do something I know I shouldn’t and it’s made a HUGE difference. Deep deep layers of depression and pain coming to the surface and being cleansed.

I know you feel numb to any sense of self worth or emotional connection with other things in your life right now, but hang in there. There is a light, there is a way out where you come out alive and have a much, much better life. You’re going to become a much stronger person because of this.

Strengthen your connection with your heart and mind — if you haven’t ever before, start learning about health, connecting with your breathing, etc. You need many weapons/tools to fight and defeat gambling. Don’t get discouraged if one alone doesn’t do the trick — load up your arsenal!

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

Okay,

So to update, in spite of some really deep struggling emotions I’ve felt during this sort of “withdrawal” from just diving into markets placing on highest bets … what I’ve been doing here and writing about has been working.

I’m reading quotes every day that remind me about the importance of risk management/not being compulsive with money. I’ve articulated a desire to end all forms of gambling — as well as being split between ending trading all together or turning it into what a small % do; a risk controlled approach that removes their impulses to do something that is gambling as an option. Gambling defined as random action random outcome; compulsive.

I’m exploring both, and benefitting from both. I’m feeling psychologically less endangered and my decision making with my money is more productive and conservative. I took another slice from my trade earlier this week and put it toward my student loans — I’ve been shifting my focus away from the “infinite building” mentality with markets and into the desire to get out of debt (no credit card debt now — just student loan).

I’ve also had days where I’ve had no involvement with markets and have logged onto here to journal about the cravings to get away from them/the intense emotions felt. These days have been joyous, while carrying with them a somber undertone of the withdrawal of not compulsively going to look at randomly fluctuating prices or making decisions based on randomness and the addictive thrill gambling creates.

Do I feel sure of which approach is right for me? Not yet. I’m fully aware that for most compulsive gamblers, total abstinence is required. For now my focus is on turning each of my situations into non-random/gamble based ones where it’s up in the air what could happen and embrace the emotional connection to stability … as i see myself taking these actions I’m feeling deeper connection and safety inside my being.

There’s plenty more work to do and discover. For now, writing deeply about and getting out of that deep deep spiderweb of fear/depression/insanity paralysis that precedes and activates a desire to gamble is enormously relieving … I’m incredibly grateful to everyone here.

Let’s continue to write and make every day gamble free!

[IRockVX]

It feels like each day I feel this sadness kind of deeper … too deep to be frank. It feels so unhelpful …

I’ve been feeling aching feelings of wanting to get out of it … and it just hits me deeper … nothing particularly tragic is happening … but those feelings of darkness and slow moving thoughts and body are just so intense now …

I feel like I’m moving underwater or in a tank full of a thick oily substance in my emotional energy field … it’s an un-numbed thing … life feels superficial and untrustworthy …

I feel anger too … this feelings are cuing me to bet … and once again I feel the need to do the same thing and re-do what I do in response to the feelings … I feel irate/sour about old losses and just total negative expectancy about the future …

It’s definitely a case where “pausing to address” the feelings feels like feeding a monster that wants to take me somewhere worse … there’s always a context, and in this case the context def seems to be emotions feeding themselves through inaction/random jumping around in memories trying to solve them.

I think what I’m feeling is a breakdown from my connection with the idea of routine … stopping every day means stopping every day … working every day means working every day … i have this deep irritation/resistance from truly making that every day … most of the time sure why not… but to the every day commitment I feel my own resentment and spite …

There are two forms of these emotions … ones that require a pause to stop and address before continuing, and ones that use pauses to dig deeper and spread themselves more into my being … in this case I feel it’s the latter and it’s best to just use this entry as a springboard to get out of my head and on with my day.

[IRockVX]

My feelings and sensations of a deeper underlying sorrow in my heart … are growing recently. Kinda intense.

The feelings are intense and their numbing medicine isn’t been used … I feel like my heart wants to cry deeply … to push the great darkness away …

Can’t believe I’ve spent all these years with these feelings tucked down alone inside … stuffed away … seeped into the deepest part of heart body and brain …

And now it’s slowly starting to ooze out … the memories ache quite deep … but the depth of awe and inspiration from seeing how far things have come since the beginning …

I feel like my heart wants to cry but my eyes are stopped up … intense sadness … and deeper spaciousness pouring through … It’s like watching a demon leave my heart and stepping away from it …

That “I absolutely must have this trade” feeling that covered that darkness up … whew … i don’t even know what to say …

Emotional spikes high and low outside of gambling feel more vibrant but more directly connected to the world and people around me …

Feels like a place beyond words …

[IRockVX]

Thank you for your feedback 🙂

I’m feelin like a physiological change in my body right now … a slow shift … 

Feels like my heart goes through panic and anxiety initially when it is separated

from this … at least that’s what I’m feeling now … old toxic energy dumping out …

More authentic energy coming in/emerging to fill the gap.  Little by little.

Day at a time.

[IRockVX]

For me what I’m dealing with urge wise today is an urge to trigger … the urge to bet is held back but the urge to stare at prices … that’s a different ball game …

I can recall where this always leads … staring at those prices fluctuate randomly all in itself becomes an addiction … even bet isn’t placed … but it eventually leads to a bet …

they’re in fact totally boring to look at that but the compulsion and craving is to peak at look at them anyway … it kills my awareness of other things … i’m itching to step in and snoop around and just hop from market to market looking at prices … it’s moving prices that hook me … not ones that aren’t moving … it’s not price but the random changes in price that hook my brain … my eyes … my feelings … an obsessive need for it to be fluctuating and feel random/unexpected … I seem to want to close down my awareness for this in my emotions today …

“I could have done this and that” I know I’ve often thought to myself … “I could have taken that trade and that one and that one” … like piles of regret for everything I missed! It’s so strange because it’s like regretting not knowing and benefitting from exact knowledge of the future (which no one has) … what a strange thing to burden myself with and feel weighed down by … not knowing what the outcome is the vast majority of the time …

Internalized remorse and shame for not taking more random trades is false shame … a heavy energy that feels like a sickness … I feel falsely ashamed for not being far beyond human … because there’s something twisted irrational and a bit grandiose about the expectations that spin out for winning … being immersed in this world stretching back into the past has reinforced the insane notion of being all greatness or all nothing … a prodigy/always on or very low and depressed … the voice of the cravings seem to spur that type of thinking and feelings toward myself … “I’m everything or I’m nothing” …

Those urges do seem tied to the voice of the “persona” of the addiction … which I perceive as a madman to be honest … the spirit of gambling is the spirit of a madman … who thinks he’s invincible and has every intention of guaranteed destruction … It’s like creating total control and certainty through guaranteeing loss …

There is a deeper feeling of immediate control in the ability to create and guarantee loss … it is much easier to guarantee loss than it is to guarantee gain in life …

I do feel there is part of me that resonates with that deep desire to feel in control … and that guaranteeing my loss guarantees a feeling of control … so the twisted thing is there is this perception of control of a fowl kind that spins out from this obsession that spins out of control …

The addiction feels like the voice of anger, pushiness, control, impatience, controlling, and detached …

It’s like that “persona” gets thrills and kicks out of the control of guaranteeing loss … and stepping into situations with guaranteed loss … it’s a thrill of watching me suffer and the thrill of being in total control of it … or suggesting it has total control … of taking control away from me/my other interests …

The control of the voice of this addiction to force me into loss and push those feelings of enjoying losing/feeling pain … going numb to everything … it is slipping.

It can feel dark and scary to share the depths of distortion that this monster really is, but it’s a deep dive into truth itself … and enormously therapeutic …

Stealing control and energy of engagement and emotional connection to people and places I care about more … let’s dig deep and watch that slip …

There are smiles of real joy underneath that madness … and life is getting better one day at a time.

[IRockVX]

Yea!

Swap the addiction to gamble to the addiction to create music.  I know there’s a wall there at first, but making transitions like that are possible.

It’s perfectly fine to swap addictions … when the new addiction is something healthy and beautiful : )

Swap negative addictions for positive ones … getting addicted to health and music for example

[IRockVX]

Excellent posts!  Yea write about the urges I totally agree!  Keep writing about them and share with others.

The energy here is freeing energy — the energy and drive to stop the random bets … when we guard ourselves from the pitfalls risks and triggers more and more we get stronger and stronger at making choices that protect the wonderful things we already have … slowly connection with what you already have outside gambling becomes more life like and vibrant … even the simple afternoon sun feels more pleasant.

One day at a time.

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