[IRockVX]

Woops — typed this earlier and forgot to post.

Checking in again,

As I’m being faced with that craving/feeling of chase for risk again blended with fomo (fear of missing out). It’s that “act now or miss out” feeling always selling the idea of there will never be another chance … The back and forth movement becomes a gray static that numbs the senses where my initial clarity becomes numb. It’s a force of pushing “come on open up! Open! Become vulnerable to me” … it’s the voice of a bully in my head no doubt.

It also numbs the fact that acting now destroys/creates a true missing out of acting on something at another time. Acting when conditions are sure, when things are clear, when senses are clear and timing is best, this is the way.

The voice of cravings, the order to follow and chase prices and fortunes and to just risk more and more and more is the voice of a bully and the voice of evil. It reminds me of the parallel change happening in my life of washing out early childhood programming of being a passive controlled person to the voices of corrupt authority. Gambling, in all its ugliness, is a metaphorical biological spiritual embodiment of quite a corrupt “leader”/alter ego or whatever you want to call it. It could also be seen as the voice of a sociopathic kid that wants you to come play with him on his playground or give him attention.

Assertiveness in playing my own game on my ground is the winning ticket. I can feel it and I know it. No I don’t have to feel guilty or experience artificial anxiety/undermine myself in this.

Fuck off gambling, I’m playing my own game tonight.

[IRockVX]

One thing I notice is the warping change of time when a craving hits … this morning I feel a little nervous/jittery inside a craving sensation and it feels like time slowing down into super slow motion … like this artificial perception of moving under water and not getting “relief” from it until the urgent/fast moving craving to place a “bet” comes in …

Right now I don’t have anything that’s a “bet” sitting in the markets … yet this slowed down craving feeling is trying to distort good, sound, boring, risk guarded moves into being “unsafe” or “uneasy” and draw me into the urge to hop in and out and throw money away, stare at price action, get emotional etc. as “comfort” or “back to normal” …

Well that normal is a terrible one I don’t wear any more. Fear and jealousy as expressed toward unhealthy extensions of chasing after the imaginings of someone else’s bigger bank account is a mirage in the desert … I believe those emotions belong in self protection. Fear of missing out on my own health and vibrancy, and jealous of my own life force that I protect of myself.

Once again, I write and share to address the craving to do the wrong thing or feel the wrong way about perceiving things, and once again, I believe it is sound for its reason. I do not have to act impulsively to undistort time, but simply reconnect to the timeless values I’ve been feeling deeper and deeper as this journey has begun.

Now, I direct myself to read through my daily quotes and connect to my own mind body and spirit deeper without fear.

<3

[IRockVX]

Wow, thank you!

One day at a time yes.  I’m glad what I’m sharing means something to more than just me, as it’s part of my fuel and connection to change things within myself.  I guess one drawback of good articulation is getting stuck in thought vs. action every now and again.

Let’s make today gamble free : )

[IRockVX]

That sounds like great progress.  Glad to hear your finances are getting sorted and you’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think there is something in the urge to gamble that’s related to an addiction to feeling “right on the edge” … like feeling like the story of your life is walking along a cliff and feeling the adrenaline pump at the possibility of falling.  It’s like we get addicted to living life that way.

In this sense, gambling is also an extension of addiction to the need for that stressful, adrenaline inducing unknown … as gambling is phased out of our lives, more spaciousness opens up for feeling emotions, relating to people better, and feeling more confident about life itself.  

The on edge state is one that constantly pushing and pulling and threatening to make or break us … I think it’s a gradual process to rewire ourselves to get hooked into the energy emotion and state of confidence, feeling on top of or even a little ahead of work, and stepping into actions and situations where we know the outcome and odds have to be stacked in our favor or give a guaranteed outcome.

I think you’ll continue to understand more about yourself, feel better, and enjoy life more as you write more/untangle “the beast” — that feeling of how much potential happiness there is for life/existence is powerful.  It’s like a deeper joy that’s never needed a gamble to feel amazing … gradually coming back to the surface (of course, deeper negative feelings that were numbed can come to the surface as well).

Keep writing, and make today completely gamble free!  : )

[IRockVX]

It was a great weekend. Went all weekend and through all of Sunday Night without looking at market prices.

The intensity of energy/focus I’m noticing flowing into my other activities … I’m noticing that I’m really enjoying cooking and making food/these other life activities over gambling.

This morning I ran through my qi gong exercises, read my quotes about risk, caught a glimpse at market prices and remind myself there’s nothing I need to do now. Those emotions of vengeance, not enough, “need” etc. are there in that checking/glancing — I can feel them. The “need” to do something just for the sake of doing it … the urge itself creates all forms of imagery metaphor logic … whatever the conscious brain could want to hear … to create some kind of picture where it’s “okay” to “just do it”. Well, it’s not. Actions have to be taken that make sense and actually have a guaranteed favorable outcome long term … the actions that have the odds lined up and stacked in my favor are the ones my consciousness belongs in harmony with … not randomness, not chance, not luck, not quick draw, not fun exciting sparkly wheels and numbers not any of that nonsense.

But they feel quieter now … the loud demanding voice of gambling is getting quieter, though it’s still a vicious mischievous beast to keep a watchful distance from. I can actively acknowledge my success as well as actively acknowledge that the monster wants to revise the weakening impulses to be frustrated, impatient, and feel a “need” to make a bet. There is no “need” for that … it isn’t even a want … it’s just an old biological distortion wrapped up in pure deceit to me from my perspective.

My appetite for what I really want and need keeps deepening (experiencing my emotions, nature, life, working on my independent businesses, social contact, writing, practicing music, making careful risk oriented decisions with what I do with my money…) and the artificial addictive appetite of the eternally empty black hole of gambling is weakening and closing up.

This is an invitation to stay connected, keep helping others while receiving the help in places like this. I know how no mercy addictions can become when you let up on them — so for me this is truly a life time commitment …. a forever commitment … to to use what resources and community I have to support the end of gambling and refusing the language of it’s distorted thoughts and urges.

Let’s keep going : )

[IRockVX]

Today I’m writing again in my commitment to slow my impulse for risk and guard myself from it. I woke up with a larger impulse for it (sometimes the craving/feeling of missing out hits me right after I wake up) …

For me it feels like the craving itself wants to “sneak” in and through my own conscious defenses — like automatically after I wake up. Before my conscious mind has gathered itself/done any mind body spirit connection work with qi gong etc. Because I know if I make health and self connection, breathing, and my inspirational quotes to guard myself from risk the first thing I do, then I get first fruits over the cravings for price action/involvement.

I can feel the craving pressing now, so I’m going to steer my focus to walking through my quotes and exercises and focus my connection on those.

…Done.

[IRockVX]

I feel a bit fragmented right now … and I think it’s simply because of temptation. I’m feeling a little mellow, and I note that the temptation to do something that feels like a gamble/can go either way/indecisiveness is pulling on me.

There is like a frozen state of attachment to indecision/emotional waviness where clarity isn’t present that I feel hooked into deeper down … like a gravity pull to move certainty/clarity into uncertainty and washy/foggy possibilities …

So I’m just taking the time to write about it here and move my mindset and emotional drive back deeper into a framework of where I know certain joys are … qi gong, music, doing work on my businesses, etc. … I feel the current voice of gambling/that black hole trying to pull me back in right now … nothing new. Just know that every time I write about it and dig those feelings out/interact I’m more likely to stay safe in what I’m doing. It can feel like the paralyzing feeling of “time to go” … so I’m taking extra time to wait on the outskirts of things … it’s not time to be involved with markets/trades right now, but it is time to wait “today — i will not gamble”. There is nothing that feels like a guaranteed or favorable result that I can see or gleam from those charts now. My senses are telling me to stay out — in the past I haven’t acted on this and watched myself be victimized from the need for action and to hold on and stay in. I won’t be doing that this time. Out means out. Wait means wait.

Generally I am capable of being patient … I know with cravings I can feel like my patience disappears or comes under assault from all forms of draw and pull to do something/step into what doesn’t feel right (gambling) or to use all the patience up on holding out/staying involved in what I’m doing (holding an overleveraged position/bet I shouldn’t be). So in this moment I’ll be focusing on redirecting the virtue of patience toward patience with money not to gamble. I can wait on the sidelines and clear my mind.

One day at a time.

[IRockVX]

Thanks Bonnie 🙂

Much love.  Let’s keep out of the demon holes and continue enjoying the sunshine <3

[IRockVX]

Keep writing and keep checking in. Join multiple groups at once (I did).

I know that feeling of being trapped in a void of absolute despair and feeling/seeing no way out … paralysis. I know exactly how you feel I’ve been there. Numb in the dark.

You said yourself you have had periods of actually having a normal life. Let me ask you, how much have you written about the emotions and thoughts of who this gambler person in you is and what is being felt prior to the urge, during the urge? What depths of emotions are there?

What’s so tricky about gambling is sharp depression as well as feeling really good can both be triggers to gamble. It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling low or feeling confident and amazing about your life — each can be a twisting by the gambling beast to add gambling to “spruce things up”

the language of the gambling beast that makes its way into us as an alter ego of sorts is that of deceit … the deceit that random outcomes that eventually lead to failure is fun … the deceit that guaranteed loss is fun … the deceit that impulsive randomness can bring back what was lost in the past.

Truly it is an addiction to chance and a numbing/pushing away of perception of risk … I know the voice of gambling always wants me to look on the sunshiny parts of making an initial rush of money without considering risk.

Guard your heart and soul from risk, keep writing, and don’t give up.

Much love and support <3

Make today gamble free

[IRockVX]

Have a craving — so I’m writing. Things are going really well, so this is likely a euphoria/happy craving (“Life is going great — why not make it better by adding a bet???”). Blind euphoria (or natural hubris perhaps that brain gets hooked on).

I remember in the past sometimes feeling feelings of “I’m tough enough to hold out through this” and my ego/endurance of pain would kick in … this whole idea of “i’m tough enough” to gamble … so foolish. Yet worth divulging because it is an emotional trigger I haven’t written about yet.

Part of wants to be a hero in this fallen world … and enduring pain and loss or the idea of striving as a hero gets twisted up in a gambling urge … it becomes drained into it … so instead of enduring through the urges and being a hero by not gambling, i would go so far to get hooked into large gains or losses and be “plowing” or heroing/”forcing” my way through conditions I shouldn’t have been. Not letting go until I felt forced to or sheer exhaustion

Persistence and courage are beautiful things … when applied to write contexts. I think addictions have a tendency of taking otherwise virtuous parts of us and twisting them into getting drained into wasteful things …

As usual I feel hesitation … cravings tend to drain away a need to spend money or to save/tuck it away else where … the temptation is to keep holding on … yet so much hesitation created in simply buying something else/doing something nicer with the money …

I’m getting used to moving and re-routing the urge to flip the money onto a bet and taking it back into my account … for today I’ll keep it back and either make another payment toward student loan or buy something practically useful with it. Like business advertising, cooking ingredients etc.

Let’s keep going!

[IRockVX]

You’re in a great place and taking great steps.  Journaling is awesome — esp when you can interact and get feedback.  Connecting energetically with people who are stopped or are making strides to stop is great.

Keep journaling — I find that by doing so every time I get a craving I write about it and interact with people on places like this.  I’ve been doing this for close to 2 weeks now and it’s helped a lot.

You aren’t alone — keep writing, and make today gamble free!

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

Right now I’m getting a craving to “chance it” … to be paralyzed at a key junction point in markets again … so I’m hopping on here to touch base couple peeps and write about it …

Things are going well, but I’m feeling an indecision and paralysis about mitigating risk … it’s that same pie in the sky thinking of wanting to hold out for a jackpot or things going “all positive” — the thing that happens 1% of the time … doesn’t make sense.

Right now I have the power to ensure certainty and remove uncertainty from my progress in gaining my life and financial personal capital/protecting it … the wise thing is to keep this flow going this way. My mind tends to want to drift back into uncertainty, hope, and all sunshine … I’m clinging to this and have a fear of missing out … a tremendous rushing fear of missing out … gambling always paints an immediate jackpot forthcoming and to stay high spun on it … black and white …

It feels like need and urge and must have … so I’m breathing slow and stepping back again. Once again I’m where I need to be — reminding myself to deal with risk first, not reward.

Today I’ll walk forward with that decision to choose risk protection first over reward — if I miss out, oh well. I won’t miss out on my life, and I’ll pay down some more student loan debt 🙂

I really have to make myself do it, because the urge to spend that money on a toss of a coin point in time is strong … this will be my 3rd time making a decision to pay down current debt faster instead of do something stupid/risky in the markets. My personal emotional capital will regenerate too. This feels tough to do … I feel myself fighting it … complaining …

I’ll post this post after I actually make the payment so I know I’m on top of it ……….

Okay ….. done! Safest decision made, guaranteed money saved long term by paying toward student loan debt instead with trading money. No overleveraging. Time to enjoy the day.

[IRockVX]

Right now I’m making the decision to write about my cravings to trigger … something i’ve touched on before. I have cravings for the feeling of emptiness/feeling empty inside again … cravings for sadness emptiness and depression … it’s like an urge …

As I experiment and reflect with what I write about here, I’m suspect that this is simply indeed that form of residual emotional undercurrent that is a hardwired craving for its “homeostasis” … it is a craving to feel sad like an addiction … sadness and emptiness are the states that precede and fuel the necessity of gambling … so as I shut off the craving to gamble/be excited by gambling I feel the temptation to again spend my time and feelings invested in what makes me feel empty … isolation separation loss for words weak fragile spiraling etc.

My mind tends to loop itself back there — to that state I’m afraid of losing … ironic. Afraid of losing a state that leads to loss and is loss itself! Terribly ironic.

Along with it are feelings of embarrassment/humiliation … these feelings seem to be bubbling up as I stay away from spread bets that are gambles … that embarrassment almost has away of proclaiming itself as who I am … I feel in these moments that I am the embarrassment … which feeds sadness … feeling sad feels embarrassing which feeds it back … etc. the observation about negative emotions clumping together and feeding each other in a loop seems highly accurate … This particular loop seems to be embarrassment–> sadness –> guilt.

The embarrassment feels rooted in not having control over a present situation/things from the past … and there is no doubt a parallel in this and how I have felt when I gambled … like validating this feeling of embarrassment+no control … it’s like i feel ashamed about not having control over things I don’t have control over in the first place … and subconsciously step into situations and perspectives that feel like I don’t have any control … it’s a “pull” … to look through that lens and see my situation and life that way …

Perspectives and emotional states are addictions indeed … perhaps the addictions that precede or give most the power to physical addictions …

I’ll be writing more about my addictive emotional and perspective states as part of the liberation of their link to gambling itself.

[IRockVX]

I know and empathize with how deep the pain goes with loss.  It’s a stinging feeling that’s like a streak of black paint across your body and soul.

You are not the only person going through all 6 things you mentioned.  You are not cursed.

Keep writing about these emotional internalized perspectives — write and write more.  They have taproots and causaility that you discover from revisitng and rewritnig/expressing over time.

I think my fixation with health and seeking wisdom kept me alive in the darker years.

Much love and support — make today gamble free!

[IRockVX]

Welcome aboard need2stop,

You’re in a great place. Supplement with in person GA meetigs if you want.

I’ve been here a week and a half and it’s absolutely amazing (i also joined a couple groups on FB). I’ve written long and deep into some very deep and painful places … my behavior really is changing.

I encourage you to write, write, write. Write in your journal every day — every time you even get an urge or craving to gamble. Write about how you feel and the why. Dig deep into what’s under the surface driving you to gamble.

It’s so so worth it — recovery. Stepping out of the numbness and the indifferent pain.

You can do this — this is your time.

Much love and support <3

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