[IRockVX]

All I can say is … Journaling still works … so I’m gonna keep doing it.

Tonight I’m in reflection over my most common mistakes that lead me into getting trapped in the first place. There’s a part of me that disconnects from and doesn’t trust my senses …. that combines with anticipating. I see something I need to wait for to complete and finish (this is a life thing) and I jump the gun or feel that fear of something not finishing …

My senses give me clearer signals about something and some part of me hops onto another wavelength and says “that won’t happen” (even if it combines with my senses and logical sense) … then I feel irate/an itch to gamble.

I see this with my attitude toward my businesses … I assume something that is very solid/has guaranteed probability will fall short and put my “bet” on it failing … My senses keep telling me and I watch it happen anyway and wonder “why did I bet against myself?”

Gambling truly is a distortion of betting against yourself in the end … if you work a job, get up and do certain things in the morning, etc. you have guaranteed or almost guaranteed outcomes … I feel when I gamble I’m literally filled with doubt and distrust for guaranteed or highly probable outcomes and have this emotional clinging/trust in what is more dicey …

It’s like two waves running simultaneously … this wave that’s telling me the truth internally and another that is this skeptical voice of gambling that wants to take guaranteed outcomes and make them less credible/trustworthy but make random outcomes feel look and see appeasing/appetizing and some how a “better experience” … the emotion and voice in my head sells it to me as such …
selling insanity … “trust randomness!” “there is no order!” …

It feels rooted in chaos itself … chaos and arbitrary/random actions, pulsations, and moves … it’s rooted in chaos and unforeseen … like linking into and hooking into being surprised by the unforeseen … it almost feels like deliberate self blinding too …

Gambling always has this press of pushing things toward the edge … waiting until the last possible minute … like turning ordinary life things into the most climactic part of a movie …
(and then, ironically, being less interested or enthralled by actual stories and movies that have awesome climaxes) …

It’s stealing the spotlight for garbage in return.

The other thing I can say about it is my thoughts tend to cluster around a process of giving into this belief … giving into the idea that this randomness is the way. Mix of emotions and the feeling of being pressured come to mind … Internal pressure and “screw it, such and such will happen anyway” “may as well” “why not?” …

“I’m a gambler anyway” “I’ve been this way so long, may as well just …” … those types of thoughts seem to be hitting in terms of dragging me back into the old. Acquiescence to what was and has been.

But even just my short time on here is proof that I can achieve otherwise … I can be filled with oxygen … I can stop. I can feel all my senses and feelings come back to me in other ways. I can regain my life interests.

The sales pitch of getting excited about random crap is so intense and it’s like a blasting wave inside the brain demanding attention and acquiescense to it … It’s like a silent part of me inside is just standing there taking it … an older shade of how i used to be more … conditioning to be passive … my passive self tends to just stand and follow a more assertive force when it comes to cravings or being driven to things I shouldn’t do … the logic of this “thing” called gambling says “look, you’re asserting yourself by holding onto this big bet!” Which is a lie … I’m letting something else assert itself over me when I do that.

“okay, fine!” … “You can’t say no” …

But I can. I have to admit, I was raised by a father who would inevitably cowtow and submit to my mom and was very much a beta male in every sense of the word … I feel the part of me that “can’t say no” to certain things still would be reflections of that influence of passivity … and assertive stubbornness well … that’s maternal heh.

Those obviously are just influences, but ones worth acknowledging. Part of what I do along side this journey of stripping gambling elements out of my approach to life and business is unwind and deprogram the beta male conditioning I’ve experienced from growing up.

That part of me just wants to wait and wait for things that it knows waiting for won’t do any good … and when it gives into the assertive part that is distorted by the voice of gambling I end up anticipating and rushing into something before it’s ready (which randomizes the outcome as well) …

I’ve had pockets where I don’t do this … pockets which seem to gradually gain space and grow bigger … I can keep expanding those.

[IRockVX]

I feel a lot of inner confusion right now. .. My mind keeps wandering back to sunk cost/old losses. Thinking and feeling them i get hooked into struggling feelings and fighting what is invisible (the past) … Even though things are “ok” on another level my mind is too hooked into the past losses and gains and its driving me nuts …my feelings of resentment and spite and bitterness seem to feed it … gravitational pull to “hit back” …. i feel intense spite toward gambling and being someone stuck with this mess of a biology …

I want to get my mind out of this stuck rumination … where everything real feels fake and everything fake is shovinfg itself in my face as real. Im also troubled that the signals from my body which keep consistently telling me this isnt healthy are getting bent and distorted into positive visions … inyensely deceitful optimism that its okay to come back its okay to get vengeance and okay to keep playing the game … It feels like sociopathic optimism the voice and energy drivinf this. Just evil.

Grief resentment and frustration seem to be leading feelings getting bent into false optimism and false hope … false hope to save face or feel better about a tattered past …

Some deeper part needs to not only let go of past losses and spiteful engagement of ruminating revenge but those feelings also need to find a healthiet place of natural expression …

My voice feels silenced and I feel weak … I hate feeling weak … maybe im taking letting go of this unhealthy and unachievable vengeance. I hate feelings of weakness this past has left soaked in me … and the idea of making an image of it being better from revenge in the future is draining and delusional …

I feel like the emotion of hatred and frustration and disconnection get locked in a box with my past and bubbles and i lose insight on what is happening now …they leak out of the box into temptations to bet and glue my eyes to market prices … as if there is some kind of answer for injustice in there … there isnt.

It brings up deeper unsettling thoughts and feelings of deep darkness that happened before turning 18 that seemed to change my very physiology from a planner into a more sporadic improviser in the moment … i changed from certain things that happened from a non compulsive planner into someone more doing things on the fly … even before i ran into markets … environmental and physical changes to my brain …

Deep buried resentment from that change and intense things that happened … and an inner yearning for what was lost 11 years ago … impatience. Looping irritation and anger feeling disconnected … I feel like it is hard to connect outside myself from this place. Downward loop is feeling worth less because of having these feelings in the first place … its an emotional clump … memories of past loss > resentment and spite > feeling bad about having resentment and spite > vulnerability to vengeance moves toward markets > disconnect from others > irritation and impatience … feeding each other

So what would be a positive spiral out of that? Memories of getting out of bad situations > Memories of improved finances > Memories of where i am now in positive financial health > gratitude > Less feeling of need to change the past > enjoying what is happening now > looking toward the future with authentic optimism > feeling good about myself for being genuine and honest along my journey > connecting more.

Break up those negative clumping loops into positive spirals …

🙂

[IRockVX]

Hey there,

You’re in the right place and Steev’s advice is rock solid.

I’ve been using this and several other online support groups and it’s helped a lot — a hell of a lot. I’m not totally out of the woods but the leverage cravings and the heavy emotions have over me is far less than it was before i finally took my first gasp for oxygen and reached out to groups like this.

I have great credit now and savings (when I started trading online years ago I would blow 50-80% of my savings easily and did indeed borrow money I couldn’t pay back on one big bubble pop–often after running it up 500% etc.), but getting support to strip gambling elements out of my life even going beyond markets themselves and interacting with people who have committed to stop has felt amazing. I’m truly grateful for this community. My losses and participation in gambling behavior are softening and the pockets of freedom are lengthening between slips bit by bit.

I’ve journaled a lot (and I mean a lot) in a short time — I think in addition to what Steev said, try to journal write and connect with support every time you even get cravings. Try to dig up the emotional roots and reframe yourself to reconnect with your original, clearer self. The deep feelings of shame and agony can be hard to share because this addiction makes you feel so alone and cut off from everyone and everything, but making the break to open up and reconnect to get your life back is so worth it.

To me, this is a forever commitment (recovery) — if you commit to it for life then people like you and me can end up gamble free like Steev.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

You guys ever get a feeling of not belonging anywhere … like a wanderer?

A deep deep feeling of “I don’t belong here” … I don’t know if that fuels gambling or if gambling fuels that (actually it’s probably both) … but that feeling of not belonging feels so debilitating …

A feeling of not being able to communicate, to be understood easily … even when speaking clearly … That aching feeling of loneliness and not belong runs so deep …

It feels like a deep expression of my soul right now … a feeling of not belonging anywhere, not deserving anything good I have … and trying to hold the weight of these feelings underneath these creeping cravings … feelings of desire to end life and existence itself … anger and sadness/remorse about all of life and existence … some of the deepest feelings I bottled in years ago deeper down …

It’s like those feelings that have no place and have no belonging kind of naturally spill into bets and the circus of prices … and then feel even more alienated/like they don’t belong. But the reality is they do have a place … because there are things about life and existence here that need to be improved, changed, answered and addressed … existence itself …

I feel my deepest grievances with non-controllable energy forces spill out into temptations to wager … just having these feelings makes me nervous … and in that nervousness and uncertainty it just kind of “slides” into a bet … then these emotions are now riding the ups and downs of that bet … my deepest seated feelings that have no place of belonging …

I’ve written about it before but repetition is key so ……

powerlessness, vulnerability, fear, frustration spill into bet … bet then creates more of these intense emotions … these emotions then ruminate and worry more about bet … like a giant toxic destructive relationships of two people tied together who argue and fight …

I think when I connect with the value and meaning of my deepest emotions and hold them within a framework inside myself instead … something feels … better. All the way down into my heart.

The overwhelming feeling of not belonging starts to shift … and I remember that in my own mission purpose and goals is my belonging … the belonging i forge …

It’s not good people with deep grief on pain injustice who do not belong and have no place of belonging … it is the feelings of meaninglessness, the experiences of evil that go too far, and the addictions … these are the things that don’t belong. These are the things that have no belonging — they become like entities that become who we are and become the emotions and voice in our heads … but gambling isn’t me. It isn’t who we are.

I feel now I want to tell these deep, deep feeling places inside me that they have belonging, have a place, have meaning … it feels like i’m talking to some ancient version of myself … and saying “yes”.

I can feel that current … it feels like a deeper part of my soul responding …

[IRockVX]

Yes … the shame the biggest weight.  Like a the densest material you can imagine thick and heavy and compressed into a little ball and weighing on you huge.  Shame and feelings of powerlessness are the
absolute destructors of motivation to push through this addiction.  I’ve felt them so, so deep as absolute
crushing weights.

It’s why we need community and need the encouragement to write, to share, to connect with people
who have survived and overcome the insanity …

[IRockVX]

I think I’m onto something here … about getting emotionally tied into difficulty and challenge in and of itself (instead of difficulty–>approached correctly–>results). I feel it’s emotional and comes from that deeper wall of subconscious energy … the need and want to make things hard and be inside the emotional state of struggle …

I’m also aware that my language when I feel trapped in a gambling type situation/the urge to watch prices and increase bet qty etc. it seems to just dance around everything or make everything more convoluted than it actually is … to complicate things … like a psychological defense mechanism for myself … to go around doing the direct simple thing (Stop!) and replace it with lines of complexity … it becomes rationalized if the problem is complex …

I think I naturally sit heavy on the side of deeper/more intricate which can be good, but also not. I’ve been having the hardest time to just speaking out the words that I semi-relapsed and put on too much risk … all the complexity of language to myself and “what if it’s this, well it could be that” … like my personality responds to the compulsion with streams of complexity/solutions that dance around the point: too much risk. I get a sensation in my lower spine when it’s telling me to step back from something and wait a little longer.

I got that two days ago and ignored it when i shouldn’t have. I can feel and see how my thoughts become streams of rationalizations to dangle the carrot in front of my face and risk more … i think some complex explanations/complexity itself can be a defense for more raw and direct experiences inside me … none of the actions or words that spin out from them lead to actually reducing risk or guarding myself from it. They lead to distracting from and evading the pinpoint issue of anticipating to early, narrowing multiple scenarios to one, and upping risk too much.

My very best days are when I’m actually aligned with and acting on this perception of risk/scenarios. It feels right on a deeper level to acknowledge this inner mind game distortion of rationalization through spontaneous complexity and spontaneous creative “solutions” … it’s more like deliberately reaching for all the false solutions … deliberately reaching for everything that’s a dead end … avoidance of the bulls eye shot out of the room and deliberate make believe running into the walls of false solutions. The struggle in this sense becomes a script.

[IRockVX]

Great active journal and posts.  Glad you aren’t having any gambling thoughts or urges today

Keep going 🙂

[IRockVX]

For today I thought I would explore my thoughts and feelings about money from an early perspective kind of approach …

For one … I don’t really buy into the whole The Secret visualize tons of this and that blah blah stuff … I think for gamblers in particular that type of philosophy is toxic and a carrot on a stick. Visualizing large sums of money and just mindlessly telling myself “you deserve it” in the past was never a positive thing for me. That part of our culture is quite blind to more nuanced understandings of how things work.

That being said, it may be valuable to dig around my earlier experiences and thoughts/perceptual shapes of money, because some of them may be triggers for gambling approach in the first place. Maybe, maybe not, but worth exploring.

What springs to mind for me is remembering that I never wanted to be associated with money before I had to. I remember burning a dollar bill more than once as a late teen/early adult. I’ve always retained a bit of a cognitive dissonance/somewhat spiteful relationship with money if i were honest. Rejection, spite, and even vengeance seem to be emotions of mine that want to drain into my energy field through monetary expressions … maybe I feel less settled with those feelings elsewhere?

I do feel there is a subconscious part of me that doesn’t like money in anyway and gives a feeling of “push” to it like pushing it away, whereas the more surface self is of course hussling to make it. Inner tension and sometimes paralysis over this seems like a very real thing.

I think I get bored with my savings and also feel like those scripts of acting out that push pull with money are a real thing for me … I used to love numbers and math … I feel like my experiences with trading-become-gambling over the years kind of numbed me to that … Anyway that early perspective of me is always feeling like money is a web or trap and sort of stretching and pushing like someone tied up to wriggle out of it … then the feeling of not having money is another trap and wriggling out of that … it feels like back and forth interplay between two expressions of wiggling/wriggling out of perceived states of being trapped …

I feel I come back to this emotional cycle over and over and it plays out with money particularly. I’ve gotten good at guarding the bulk of my savings and have good credit, but the emotional cycle and stagnancy of what I witness is a very real thing. Wriggling and tension to the point of exhaustioni from opposite points of view … on and on …

This is a habit that seems to have fallen into other parts of my life as well … areas where I’ve gotten lessons to relax and let go of the struggle … within certain activities. But as I write when I think of certain things now in addition to money vs. no money … I also think of starting and stopping activities … There can be great struggle.

The feelings of struggle themselves feel like a “home” state I turn back to … it’s like this feeling of need to create struggle for myself … to create extra challenge …. to challenge myself more than I need to or excessively instead of in balance …
Hard to say where it came from other than it’s a habit of my personality … in the areas where i’ve experienced freedom from this it has felt amazing …

But yea. Taking on too much challenge at once to the point of crushing weight … bad habit … There still are just simply other areas where I could use a looser dynamic flow and not get caught in the self induced chinese finger trap of personality expression (which happens outside of gambling too at times). I have a habit of toying with the difficulty level of things a bit too much back and forth and raising the bar too high too fast. Suddenly going from level 1 to level 4 difficulty … it creates a rush in and of itself …

Even as a kid i was drawn to challenges and complexity … as an adult and relearning more advanced/professional musical approaches I’ve found that it has had a lot more to do with letting go of making things harder than they need to be. Standing on foundations of simplicity, clarity, and direction instead.

So I wonder if that leads me into cravings to gamble too at times … stable life with savings feeling too “easy” and wanting to stretch the difficulty level and make money feel difficult and hard …

Anyway this just a curious exploration of mine … some of it feels relevant for sure.

I always feel lighter and better after writing here and getting a chance to encourage others. Progress and understanding are a wonderful thing.

[IRockVX]

Time is still moving really slow for me — I feel my mind suspended … it makes me think of older slower memories of being in much worse places then where I am in life now … places where time really did slow down quite a lot.

It’s a perception of time that doesn’t even feel real. It feels artificially created and disconnected from the real ebb and flow of things because time is in fact on the move … it’s only moving much slower in my head … I’ve been wondering about this today — feeling disconnected from the flow of time anticipating.

When I go into trance and try to do visualizations etc. too I notice this … a very slow moving voice that talks and changes very slow … like someone moving through sludge or thick mud … this has happened both when gamble approach in trading or not … it feels like a jail cell but a jail cell deep in the mind … and someone who has been extensively trained/habituated in staying inside it.

There’s nothing to see in the markets or anything to do … but my mind just wants to park and sit and mull over it … mold and shape what isn’t there. My energy motion in my mind is stopped/clogged. It feels like flipping back into childhood where there was no self leadership as i’ve been cultivating so deeply the past few years and even more so recent weeks and months.

There is something to that deeper part of me that talks very slow like and feels like it is moving under water … where the perception of time itself distorts and changes … when it becomes conscious all kinds of problems manifest in my life … I know in the past it has been related to a deeper expression of depression, etc.

I guess it’s the part of me that used to be a lot more conscious … super introverted/not wanting to be around/talk to people/be seen etc. … This is the same part of me that took so long to get to places like this to start getting help in the first place …

It just feels like an inner emotional sentiment of stubbornness/holding onto old ways of being/things that were lost … feels like a habit or even an act in some extent … intense negative self beliefs and feelings of disempowerment … none of those thoughts/beliefs are true though … they’re more like a program spinning on repeat subconsciously.

The characteristics in summary:

1. Slow moving thoughts and very slow moving energy
2. Negative thoughts and “can’t” projected toward everything around
3. Feels connected to subconscious, memory/long term memory, and visualization …

If visualization is a subconscious mechanism, this sludgy stuck part in me (which has been the surface expression in all forms of turning trading into gambling) has a keen tendency to block it … like blotting out my inner visualizations with a black cloud …. blocking out my own thoughts feelings/expressions of living etc. Trying to slow down the will to live do be and engage … like dragging weight from my subconscious behind me …

the more I flesh this out, the more free I feel … deeply free … this subconscious part of me feels like it has ancient history in my soul … but there is this brilliant fountain of joy and love underneath it.

I feel I have a little more understanding of it … it will surely pop up again more. In the mean time, I’m feeling better now. Time to do something. 🙂

[IRockVX]

Glad you’re here.

Keep writing, keep sharing. That stuff that feels too hard to talk about or say anything to anyone … I think that’s part of it … it’s the feeling of emotional strait jacket the secrecy … or feeling so ashamed and like you won’t be understood …

I’ve felt that deep myself — the shame and feeling of spiraling. It’s an aching feeling and very disempowered. The world around you switches off.

Deceit and distortion is the name of the game with gambling … it has automatic answers to things with lies “I can’t do that” “I can’t try that” … it like puts a switch in your head that automatically rejects practical solutions (and paints them within your head and emotional field as “impossible”)…

So you have to go a step at a time. Writing here and chatting and sharing is a step. Keep taking steps. You can get through this and make a change — there is oxygen above the surface.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

So glad you’re here.

You’re in a great place. I’ve experienced a lot of support and feelings of freedom from interacting with people here.

It can be hard to verbalize the deep feelings of shame, regret, what ifs as you said, etc. to people who don’t have this addiction or don’t understand it as such (I know it’s hard for me to do that).

I know I’ve written a LOT in the past three weeks or so since I joined and it’s been really helpful to write out the deep emotional undercurrents going on when I get a craving, when I’m doing well and clean or when I’m feeling more trapped … because the emotions definitely register of being trapped and drawn further in etc.

Keep interacting and sharing, and make today gamble free 🙂

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

So I’m definitely struggling with an uncomfortable restlessness … it feels like fear and anxiety/the feeling of being squeezed or tested … I’m actually doing a test for potential work tonight …

I guess I didn’t realize it, but the feeling of being tested or put under some pressure that I feel unsure about feels like a trigger to jump in or out … with gambling it’s just about jumping in and out and pressing buttons for the sake of that … I feel my nervousness about tonight translating into a shakiness/fluttery back and forth stiffness.

I see myself looking at two scenarios and straining too much to catch the outcome just right … overall I will be fine and feel I’m doing the right thing, but my senses are trigger firing a bit … I think right now I feel open/exposed and suggestable to the voice and push absorbing more risk … like a field play of increasing risk on and on instead of reducing it … it feels like a craving to simply increase my own risk taking just for the sake of more risk and feeling on edge.

There is no rhyme or reason to it other than the feeling of wanting to be on edge and increase the risk of my approach. This is my unguarded old self/bad habit and nature of just being too open to anything and not proactively creating what I need and following the limits/self protection needed. It’s a craving to be tempted, like my emotions are caught flirting with my triggers …

I feel kind of embarrassed and ashamed to be honest because I can’t get it off of my mind. I feel that deeper shame feeding what is leading to shame and the two emotions that feed each other in cahoots spinning in a circle … starting to slip … confidence feels a little shaky … shame …

I feel that “time change” where time is suddenly moving very slow and my senses aren’t picking up on the emotions/feelings and being of things outside this isolated time window of right now … it’s a squeezing feeling of lack of perception/connection of my senses to the future/the flow of time of the whole day (instead of the tension of this moment)

I also feel like that isolated/slowed down sense of time is tied to a feeling of fixation on a worse case scenario that is well … not the most likely to happen. My confidence feels a little more aligned/natural when I say that. The worst of the worst for where I am right now isn’t likely, because my risk is limited.

I’m going to focus my mind on reigning in this impulse to suddenly jump in and out and flash sparkly prices in front of my face — it’s been tempting me and luring me in too much today. It’s randomness in and out for its own sake … The entirety of this emotional distortion and the thoughts and images that push out from it are a lie. A hard core lie.

I’ve got things to do besides feel weighed down with this craving and feeding it by staring at randomness. I’m gonna go read some quotes and clear my mind.

[IRockVX]

Great you’re here. Great place to interact and share.

I still get itches and cravings — it’s like a chiseling force that wants to hack and pierce its way back in to a recovering life. We have to be thorough with digging deep and writing about what we’re experiencing.

I’ve experienced some today even — Different emotions of fear euphoria desire etc. all become ways and justifications to feed the gambling beast. Writing is a way to straighten and perceive a little more clearly our range of emotions that gambling is always trying to sink its fangs into and distort.

Much love and support — make today gamble free! <3

[IRockVX]

My mind is too concerned with what market/price are doing at the moment. I think a bit of it seaped into me/through my inner emotional barriers yesterday in spite of a little journaling.

Fearful concern over outcome … it is a bit of jittery withdrawal kind of feeling … like a wave from my subconscious reaching back for me … I feel I need to become very conscious with what I want to create now and today.

I feel kind of sad … I guess I’ve been avoiding sadder/mellower feelings lately and it might be catching up with me … like that fundamental heart/mind ache that hits … it’s a bit of a flinch reaction to numb it … I think my mind just wandered to staring at prices a bit to get numbed up from that feeling …

It feels like artistry and creativity that wants to express … artistic creative movement … body and soul expression …

One thing I always notice about where I feel my head buzzing/too much energy/noise going on is the top and back of my head … that’s where I tend to feel the buzz, quick/rapid fire thoughts, and a numbing draw …

When it comes to cravings and urges and stepping out of them … I think the parts of the body that are consciously engaged have a bit to do with it … the feeling that comes to mind is shame.

Not shame in what I’m doing now or have done recently … but an old feeling of shame in who i am … feeling like I am shame itself … i remember writing about these earlier and then forgetting about them … perhaps recent cravings just were my subconscious forgetting.

Humiliation and shame … the feeling of actually being those things and feeling heavy inside/defined by them … they feel like emotional bubbles that swell in waves … and precede cravings/wants to neglect healthy things or do unhealthy things …

“I am shame … I am humiliation …” … old belief systems that that was something to be embraced and lauded … to be a martyr … to be a sacrifice … to feel embarrassed for the sake and cause of another without question … old unpleasant beliefs i left behind …

That belief really becomes a self fulfilling prophecy …

Feeling ashamed for something done isn’t a self fulfilling prophecy … but the emotion consuming and becoming who I am is … Emotions sure are addictive … this is an old addiction from childhood … “I am shame itself” …

Or sometimes it’s a feeling of wanting attention or to be loved … of course it’s learned and rewired over time and remembered in moments like this that coming out of these feelings, being strong, leading with health and joy … and helping others do the same….

That is the way to attention. That is the way to being loved. The right way. 🙂

Make today gamble free <3

[IRockVX]

You’re doing good.  That pain runs deep regarding gambling … quite deep.

You have positive things to look forward to this Friday and more chances to rebuild.

Stay on track keep writing keep sharing — every craving is a chance to talk about it

Bring the accountability and new folks in closer

You can do this.  Breathe deep, focus on your health (that’s one thing I can always give to whether I have money or not) and stay connected.

You can do this.  Make today gamble free.  <3

[Author]

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