[IRockVX]

So after slipping away from help resources …

I attended a Zoom/Online GA meeting tonight and stayed and chatted for a good long while … a few hours

I’m finally ready to make deeper leaps of commitment into the GA community — I’ve been addicted to Forex for years, i can give my commitment to all my resources and tools of recovery for years too.

I’m thankful for all of you and the team of us working together to overcome this.

<3

[IRockVX]

Hmm … so in lieu of the frustration i tried for the first time the OSHO dynamic meditation … it actually felt pretty releasing … i was too closed to try it before. Glad I did.

Cheers

[IRockVX]

Yea I do.  Too caught up in the emotion of resentment and irritation.  Useless sensations.  Not good for feedback either — just contorted emotional states.  Artificial self barriers.

Thanks for your words.

[IRockVX]

Good grief I screwed up. Hit the markets hard with high leverage (still leveraged). I always feel stuck and hooked as hell when I slip like this. I’m not down a lot of money, but the emotion of dragging through it is so heavy. I hate the energy of people behind the scenes who rig these things.

It’s crazy that high leverage is felt as a “need” … like a tremendous neediness to be in a trade. What is it? Am I worthless unless i have the promise and potential of big money through a big bet? Impatience? Hard to label it any one thing because when i get tied in it’s just a mix of things … i feel like i’m holding on out of resentment and anger more than anything else … like a driving fuel. Twisted fuel.

I hate market makers markets casinos and the lot … i hate seeing who i am and what i do spinning in circles inside like a confused dazed cartoon seeing stars looking at this stuff. Is it biology? A flaw of the spirit? Hard to say but it’s a defect and whether i got the short end of the stick having it or not it’s mine and it’s ugly and it’s here.

My problem is i don’t want to be compulsive … i don’t want to be someone who needs the bet … i want to be the person who can do it without needing it … i’m strong willed stubborn to try to be that person instead of fleshing out who i am … this needy person trembling with insecurity hoping to become acceptable by making enough of a “woosh” off the market …

No matter the explanations it always ends with a feeling of meaningless because that’s what randomized betting and casinos are — worthless and meaningless. The people who created them are worthless and meaningless, and so are the activities. Fuck my brain and body for being such a beta dog to this garbage.

[IRockVX]

I had the opportunity to attend two Zoom meetings for GA recently. They were beneficial in a way that felt like riding a wave — a good wave.

The group participation and sharing helps quite a bit and meshes with my personality/point of view of teamwork towards achievement. Some of the greatest human achievements are done in teams.

I have to be honest that I rode a trade and paid interest on it the last several days … after gains and losses I hit break even and pulled the plug. It was too much leverage … I fell for riding the buzz again.

I’m still reading my quotes every day about reducing risk and discovering useful information for myself. Practiced music for 7 hours last two nights deep into the night (got a jazz gig coming up with some pro players i have to be on point to play well with)

That tendency to just open up my energy field through my money to be exposed to the toxicity of what comes through (crossing the risk threshold in any of my business decisions) is getting less and better more and more so over time. I have to stay on it.

Looking forward to more Zoom meetings of GA folks in the future — the more we can connect and encourage each other not to make gambling decisions, the better!

[IRockVX]

Gambling is portrayed as more innocent than it is. “oh just swing in and have some fun” …

There really is a true evil behind its very existence and those who benefit from making gamblers out of people. It’s as much a distortion and perversion of truth and values on the side of the House as it is the players.

Your journey (and mine) to end gambling is one of standing up firm in what is right against what is not — both subjectively and (I feel it’s fair to say) objectively. Within ourselves and within this external force itself.

It’s an external force that will push and push and push its way until it becomes an internal force pushing from the inside out … it’s no different than a virus or parasite …

Wishing you much support and upliftment/empowerment on your journey to pay off debt (i’ve been shaving my student loan down myself) and free yourself from the endless deceit of gambling.

Make today gamble free <3

[IRockVX]

Hierarchy seems incredibly tied into the programming that leads into this addiction … I remember reading about abuse and layers of belittlement from the past that lead into weakness in addiction.

It really does seem to be a correlation of lapsing into inner states of powerlessness and vulnerability that correspond with feeling tempted to gamble. It’s always the same story from the past … the indulgence and feeling of being totally weak and helpless on a torture rack (metaphorically/image wise that is — but reflective of real states of powerlessness) …

I don’t know why but as a kid I was just drawn into fictional characters that were put into situations of being tortured/captured with no way out and struggling against the odds … this addictive state of struggling against the odds … instead of taking the odds and re-arranging them to be favorable.

My mind and body tend to constantly want to reset to old pattern states of struggle (or be influenced subconsciously to do so) … struggle and life being a struggle are a hardwired addiction … I see this for what it is … but many don’t.

There is always deeper happiness and enjoyment buried under these recurring addictive emotional patterns … a deeper joy and enjoyment of life … underneath the imposed sense of always having to struggle … the negative spiral gambling takes advantage of.

It is the wool pulled over my eyes … it is the facade of my existence … the past and stories given to me as true and those who dwell from it and in it …

The top of the back of my head (long term memory?) is always where I feel an energetic pull when it comes to cravings to gamble or to get more involved …. I keep re-wording it in different ways ….

Gambling tells me I’m weak and insane … but that’s what gambling is. Gambling is weak and insane … I am whole and true within.

It never ceases to amaze me the way this “other being” of gambling just exists in this endless sea of lies where everything good is made out to be bad and every action that leads to guaranteed loss in the end is made out to be the “proper course” at the time. False assurance, false alignment, false satisfaction, false everything.

Going through a gambling addiction is like renting a space with a pathological liar for a roommate … some times I see metaphorical imagery reflecting my involvement or lackthereof in gambling and representations of this thing called gambling that is so full of lies …

Picking up the pieces …

[IRockVX]

Been a few days since I’ve written

I’ve been feeling more empowered lately … aware of my tendencies and getting more “in it” alignment with what I wanna do with my business work etc.

I’ve been biting some tension with gamble pulses but not pulling any happy triggers (aka placing a gambling form of bet hopping in and out). Smoother and descending to level ground.

The distracting nature of those times I’ve fallen off … some times it’s just the mind-blanking distraction and feeling like my memory/focus is fuzzier is the worst part.

My slips these days particularly since joining these groups are short lived and minor. But sometimes i go through a longer drawn out feeling/sensation … the feeling of my brain and energy being there urging me to bet or to hop into a false alignment where uncertainty is perceived as more probable than certainty …

Wait actually that’s a great summary/illustration of gambling. Uncertainty is put at the forefront and perceived as more likely to happen favorably and more beneficial than certainty … how strange this force is.

Uncertainty or the creation of uncertainty becomes the emotional energetic imprint and false intuitive drive … non-truths and chaos taking the forefront as valuable/valued …

Gambling sure is perception warping … even the after glow of it wanting to permeate decision making in life … because the compulsion is to make a gambling like train of thought when planning or a gambling like set of actions for the day …

I am fairly certain I have done this … deliberately randomized my schedule or gone into the hook and wait motion that reflects gambling/adrenaline rush …

It’s worth reflecting on what elements of gambling pop up in my life … because stripping randomness or the subconscious creation of randomness or chaos out of order is worth gutting to its core …

I can definitely see it happen in other areas of my life … randomization and anticipation … spontaneity that pops in in ways that are less helpful …

There’s a true authentic creative spontaneity that’s plugged into the flow and plan of the day … and then there’s the gambling like one which is really impulsive randomness and generates/creates nothing of cohesive or artistic value …

I felt a lot of truth in that when I typed it out …recognizing the two and how they differ …

I’m gonna let that hang in the air a bit …

[IRockVX]

It’s brave and honest of you to come clean and be real about how you feel.

The consequences can sting you hard in the heart, but there is hope. There is a way out. You’re in the right place.

Find a GA Meeting near you.

Start journaling more and more — meet and talk to someone in live chat here on the support line.

Write and connect ever time you get an urge/crave to go play. You can overcome this.

Let the honesty and seed of truth within you grow and expand swim and push back the darkness.

Climb up and stand strong. One day at a time.

[IRockVX]

I’m noticing a pattern that I failed to notice the last couple weeks when i had my slip up in the markets — anticipation. Time slowing down and falling into a mind and emotional state of anticipation and deliberately doubting certainty and certain things … anticipating high probability and certain things as less likely and just fearing some random deviation …

This anticipation is like seeing the sun rise in the morning and saying “I’m just not sure if it will rise” … disconnection from what I feel sure of/plugged in to. This anticipation has hooked me into a gambling mindset before so I feel it necessary to write about the warped mindset.

Time compresses … moments feel long and the gambling impulse makes it feel like minutes are days in terms of “come on just do it act now!” … I thin gambling distorts our perception of time …

It’s a voice that makes tragedy and pain out of waiting 1 hour … like a child crying and whining to get its way with deceit …

Gambling is the #1 competitor with honesty with someone who is addicted to it …

I feel fear and panic and worry and I know it’s all artificial … there’s nothing to do… just relax.

I’m finding that I need to be aggressive and assertive against the voice images and emotions of gambling … passivity doesn’t really work … it takes a bit of bite to shut down the voice pressing in.

Time for me is currently being bent into a long slow grind that goes into early afternoon tomorrow … but in actuality it’s passing by quickly and waiting several days waiting longer (just one more day) can help me a lot.

Anticipation with randomized deviation I see you burning and pulsing flashing your signs at me … I have to stay plugged into the deep current of truth that is beyond this nonsense. The truth of pushing prices away and being gamble free.

[IRockVX]

I felt that post in my heart.  Gambling is no way to celebrate.

Best to you too 🙂

[IRockVX]

Welcome!

You’re in the right place. Connecting with others who are overcoming and have overcome this and writing a lot about it helps — a lot.

I will say I tried a LOT of things by myself over the years and while they helped things like self hypnosis and practices of health were never full answers. I believe this is an overwhelming addiction that needs more than one person to conquer in most cases.

I believe it is definitely influenced by genes but can be overcome in spite of them. They’ve done studies on dopamine type genes in people who can manage risk vs not and there are correlations.

That doesn’t matter at all though — what matters is that you’re here and have more groups, GA meetings, etc.you can plug into.

Self exclusion from casinos is highly recommended.

I get on here and write every time I get an urge to bet (been here getting over three weeks if not four now) and it sure helps. Connect with someone/socialize and write — try to dig up the feelings etc. behind the urge.

You can do this one day at a time.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

Welcome!

You’re in the right place. Connecting with others who are overcoming and have overcome this and writing a lot about it helps — a lot.

I will say I tried a LOT of things by myself over the years and while they helped things like self hypnosis and practices of health were never full answers. I believe this is an overwhelming addiction that needs more than one person to conquer in most cases.

I believe it is definitely influenced by genes but can be overcome in spite of them. They’ve done studies on dopamine type genes in people who can manage risk vs not and there are correlations.

That doesn’t matter at all though — what matters is that you’re here and have more groups, GA meetings, etc.you can plug into.

Self exclusion from casinos is highly recommended.

I get on here and write every time I get an urge to bet (been here getting over three weeks if not four now) and it sure helps. Connect with someone/socialize and write — try to dig up the feelings etc. behind the urge.

You can do this one day at a time.

Much love and support <3

[IRockVX]

So I have different little bits of independent work I do … and my intuition has been telling me some financial success is in store for me this month. Well the first part of April has shown that as quite true.

I even watched a youtube video of someone advocating how to deal with sudden success (because it can ruin people). I think it can be a rush of dopamine and deeper temptations can open up.

This month is looking successful … so i’m writing here because I now gambling is going to pop up in my head soon and say “why not celebrate?” … But in reality success outside gambling should be celebrated with yet less gambling.

I have to keep writing here. I have to keep doing what makes me successful (not gambling, not putting on random trades, not sneaking in unnecessary looks at markets I don’t belong in). Perception can go out the window with sudden success … I’ve watched people ruin their lives or become altered personalities for it … even small bursts of it.

I don’t want to do that this month. I want to check myself and remind myself I’m human and am vulnerable and need to be aware of my risk side of things (gambling always numbs and has a “white out” effect on my perception of risk or what can go wrong …).

The voice of gambling always pushes too much and too far anticipating ever increasing rewards instead of pulling out every time. So with my independent business work outside it I’m reminding myself here to be protective and mindful of my openings.

I notice I’ve been holding out/procrastinating a bit tonight because I feel a buzz from some financial success from stripping gambling down … hard to shut off that drive to want to either be lazier or euphoric …

Actually lazy euphoria is a great description of it … gambling in the winning phases (or the spike wins outside of gambling that create deeper temptations to gamble) truly promote sloth and euphoria. Suddenly hard work doesn’t seem important. I have to remind myself I’m not doing this to avoid work/be unhealthy or lethargic.

Now’s a great time to practice singing, prep up some of my taxes/other paperwork to take care of, connect to my breathing/senses strongly and drive myself forward on solid ground.

The buzz of sudden success, just like the hurt of abrupt failure, can be intense and very distracting. So today I’m reminding myself that that’s exactly what it is — a distraction.

Stay on track — stay focused on the same healthy good actions that create success and don’t let success lead to gambling and impulsive moves.

I’m so grateful to all of you. Let’s keep going <3

[IRockVX]

Thanks for your feedback and post : )

I agree.  I’ve been going back and forth getting space from this monster.  I’ve been cooking more lately … I really feel like it’s a big replacer for it … my craving for great food and making it is now competing directly with the urges to gamble.

I def have the activities and interests — it’s not getting caught in the numbing effect of going back to take a look at price fluctuations too much.

Yes we can do it!  : )

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