[Iceqwn7]

So definitely writing and reading here has been helpful for my sanity!! It’s been 8-9 months of my bf dealing with this battle but I’m praying for his sake this past weekend was him hitting his rock bottom. I know he loves to go to Vegas. In November he had a “win” that he said has helped put his mind at a little ease and the following weekend he won’t gamble much. I had suggested that he leaves his debit card at home. He told me NO because he has got to feel like he can stop. He had been trying little things here and there, but honestly I never had faith in what he was saying to me which is true because two weeks ago he had the worst “lost” of his life. He told me today hey I’m going to be so bored this weekend I’m going to go to Vegas to hang out with a few friends and I’m not going to gamble at all. This time he even said I’m going to leave my debit card at home! Finally he is listening and isn’t giving himself any way to take out money.

The money isn’t the issue, like I have said before its the mind set that he gets in when he looses. It could be something small/dumb to big/important things. Its all the same. So since I have moved out here he had asked me to help him with his work stuff because that is important to him to be able to recover the money that was lost and has has sooooooo many opportunities to succeed. He could have everything that he has ever wanted in his life is he digs deep down and works hard. He is bad at that and relied on me to motivate him. Today he had been studying for this test he needs to take and came up with a game plan for himself. I was so relieve to finally hear that. I had been suggesting to do it 5 weeks ago and he would always blow me off. Just like him quitting to gamble is his responsibility to quit, I have realized I can not enable him by helping him with all of his work. He needs to do that himself. In doing so I am hoping he feels a sense of accomplishment and that will boost his ego.

Going through all of this makes me sad, I am assuming that all of the CG’s are smart people but the all just get caught up in it. I look back I easily could have gone down this path and become a CG as well. When I turned 21 I love to gamble…. Losing made me so grumpy but it wouldn’t last long. I had won a ton majority of my trips then had some really bad loses. Here is the difference, one trip I had changed the way I looked at gambling. At 22 I said hey most girls my age would love to spend this money on fancy purses or jewelry. I instead looked at it as its money already sent and I’m spending my money on fun entertainment to me. Plus I would never go to an atm or anything like that to get more money and try to “win it back”. Chasing is never the way to win, that is just a slippery slope to disaster.

[Iceqwn7]

I have read your post here and appreciate you writing about your experience and how you lashed out to your love ones. I feel like I am in the same boat. It is now easier to understand, but at the same time it doesnt make it right or help. I know my BF loves me and I’m the only one in his life that he feels connected to its hard for him to understand when he loses how much of it he takes it out on me. He has told me several times to ignore him, but it definitely at times hard to ignore the mean hateful things he says about me or towards me. Constantly blaming me for not stopping him gamble or not helping motivate him with work, to nasty name calling, and such abusive wording. When he gets a moment of relief then he apologizes and says its worse for him in his head. Now reading more its hard to tell if he was trying to manipulate me or if he is sincere when he “apologizes”.

Did you feel like you had such a powerful hatered toward yourself? I’m just curious because he has told me the past few months that he hates himself so much. I understand why and even more so after learning more about addiction, but it still sucks for me to hear the man I love hates himself so much. Hates what he has done to his life and hates what he has done to me.

I agree in fighting in the right direction as well. In the past week my BF has tried to break up with me 10 or more times. I keep fighting because I love him and I know if we weren’t in this “situation” he would never want to break up with me or at least not like this. He finally admitted i was right about a lot of things especially for how awful he has been to me and is shocked I am still fighting for us to be together. At times I had held my tongue and not fought him, but when I know he isn’t thinking clear this isn’t the time to make irrational decisions.

[Iceqwn7]

Jenny, thank you so much for writing to me. I definitely agree in what you have said. It is super hard for me not to try to help him. I was in a different relationship not like this, but it ended bc I lost myself and I do tend to put other peoples needs before mine. I have ever since I was a little girl always trying to please my mother or other people in my life. At the point it gets exhausting to please everyone.

Do you have any regrets or wish you knew something sooner? I have been only dealing with this issue since March and I have known him for a little over two years. Before this started he said he feeds of of reactions. Such as if I’m really into dating him it gets him more excited. He did so many things that he had never done before dating wise that it swept me off my feet. I do miss that, but know he can not provide that right now to me.

I know he is scared to fail and when he see’s me all sad and that he caused it, its hard to not think of the failure. I don’t know if hes pushing me away bc of the addition speaking or if he truly doesn’t want to be with me. He felt like I abandoned him on Saturday, but I need to leave for MYSELF. I have truly been trying to find myself worth last yr and I don’t want to take abuse from anyone.

Have you made peace with leaving ur CG?

Again thanks Jenny, Hope to hear from you again!

[Iceqwn7]

I have been reading people’s stories for days. It has helped me tremendously because I can now see when my boyfriend is talking and not making sense it’s the addiction talking. Velvet, I have read ur suggestions on other people’s post and I have been applying it for the past few days. I have been staying super neutral so he has nothing to blame on me. I know many of us don’t wish to be dealing with this problem. I had a very comfortable life before I met my boyfriend. I’ve I had known this was going to put a big strain on me and our relationship it’s sometimes hard to not think what if I chose a different path.

He did try to blame me for not helping him better and that I’m terrible at motivating people. I know that isn’t true from my past relationship and what I do for a living. He said bc I wasn’t able to help and he’s just frustrated all the time, that how he helps himself is none of my business. I said ok. I’m going to just keep working on myself and put my energy into making myself happy.

[Iceqwn7]

Hugs!!! I am in the same situation tho my boyfriend knows he has a problem, but says he doesn’t think it’s going to stop. He doesn’t seem to want to get any professional help either. He keeps pushing me away bc he hates himself and hates how he has treated me due to this. He keeps trying to break up with me and I keep fighting for us bc if he can fix this one major issue I know we could be this amazing couple. At some point he’s gonna push me far enough away that I won’t come back and he will regret it. So I understand and can relate. You are most definitely not alone!!! Stay strong and do what u feel is right for u!

[Iceqwn7]

Thanks velvet for writing back. After reading everyone’s stories I have a much better knowledge. He kept trying to push me away and saying we are over. After 5 days he has admitted that he has been awful to me and is shocked I am still fighting for us. Even tho yesterday he kept saying he was mad I left him on New Year’s Eve. I just kept trying to be neutral and not blaming anyone for anything but we all have different reactions to situations. I again stand by for leaving especially after he has treated me awful when he gambles and loses. We have said if he needs to talk away and need space say that. Then I know but don’t attack and call me vial names. That’s not appropriate. He said he had warned me it’s getting worse. I told him u telling me and giving me all the info in the world doesn’t prepare me in that moment. I have seen him do crazy things and say horrible things. So even if it’s not as bad it’s the weight of MANY bad situations hits me all at once. I know he hates himself. He has said that several times. He use to make himself happy and he’s struggling to do so bc of the addiction. I have said over and over again the past few days u need to get professional help. It can’t just be on me to support you. He says he never asked me to. Definitely contradicts himself a lot. Because he yelled at me I didn’t try to stop him. I think today we had hopefully a break through. He doesn’t want to talk about it but I brought it up again about getting help. He couldn’t even look at me and looked upset. He left and said sorry I hate that I have made you so sad since u moved out here. I said u need to help urself and this makes me sad that ur lost and not the man I fell in love with. He said he misses himself to. I hope this was the “rock bottom” and he’s tired of feeling this way and do something about it. He said he wanted to break up bc seeing my face reminds him that he failed me. He can’t handle failing or losing. I said the only way u fail me is by pushing me away. I told him I am genuinely happy and I smile at him. He tells me all the time it’s too cute it kills him.

do know he’s a control freak. So between losing and him feeling like i abandoned him on new yrs I think scared him emotionally. He never has serious emotional relationships and I said when u love someone u give up complete control bc now u really have to trust the other person practically going in blind.

I myself have been seeing a therapist for years. I know I get seasonal depression or get depressed for a variety of reasons. I on the other hand have been learning and trying to become the best version of me that I can. My family and friends have been a huge support system for me. They keep saying trust ur gut and stay focus on u. I am for sure. I was married before and didn’t do that I know that was part of the reason it wasn’t successful. I don’t want to go back to my old habits. So when my current bf said ok let’s work through this but u should save ur money and not get ur own place. I said no I’m going to kill it with my new job that it won’t matter even if I don’t use it often. It’s a way for each of us to get space. We are not at the stage of the relationship to live together full time. He agreed so I’m sticking to my guns. I’m trying to make new friends in the city. My therapist and I talk about boundraies. So with him wanting to work on this. I’m going to try to set new boundraies for him. I don’t want to enable him in any aspect of his life.

Any other advice that anyone could recommend would be hugely helpful.

[Iceqwn7]

I am currently in the same boat as you… your story made me tear up bc it’s like looking into a mirror. My boyfriend has told me that he will work on it and wants a quick fix. I too am scared about my future with him. Are things going better? I am trying to educate and learn from everyone’s stories. Thanks. Hope all is well

[Iceqwn7]

Hi Stacey,

I just joined today. Reading your post brought me to tears because everything that you have said I have been dealing with my boyfriend. I never know when he will be in a good mood and when he is I drop everything because I feel like I need to take advantage of it. I too forget all the bad stuff until it happens again. I have become more patient and waiting out the waves, but it is definitely a toll on me emotionally and phsyically

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