[icandothis]

Thanks, Kpat. I am glad that you believe you can change because I know you can. There is a mighty power within us all!
Sad, I am glad you got something out of that quote. Here’s a bit more.
“The biggest challenge for someone who perceives his identity as a drug addict is: what does he change his identity to? To a “recovering drug addict”? This doesn’t change his identity; it merely describes the state he is in currently. “Drug free” doesn’t do it either, because most see it as a temporary state–and it still focuses on drugs as one way of defining oneself. When this person develops the conviction that he is absolutely clean, that he is now a…or anything else besides a “drug addict”–that’s when his behavior changes. AS WE DEVELOP NEW BELIEFS ABOUT WHO WE ARE, OUR BEHAVIOR WILL CHANGE TO SUPPORT THE NEW IDENTITY.
The only way to create lasting change for an individual who’s been using drugs is to change his conviction from “I am a drug addict” to …or “Now I’m______” Whatever the new identity, it must be one that would not even consider the use of drugs. If drugs are offered again, his immediate response is not to evaluate whether he should use them or not, but to simply state with absolute certainty, “I’m not that kind of person. That’s who I used to be.”
Just something more to think about. I have been sick with a cold for about a week. I called in sick again today, even though I am feeling much better. I don’t want to take any chances with the health of my 87 year-old friend. The sun is shining, the roads are clear. I have been cooped up for too long. Wouldn’t it be nice to get a way to the casino? Maybe for that person I used to be. I am not that person anymore. I wouldn’t enjoy it, besides I have plenty to get done and things to enjoy right here…
Also, my husband’s car wouldn’t start this morning and he has my car. No transportation. Phew, did I mention barriers. Barriers are a good thing. Yes, while we are working on establishing our new identities, barriers are a very good thing. A very good thing, indeed!

[icandothis]

A quote from Anthony Robbins. Relating to my dream and previous post.
“A person who believes they have DEVELOPED A DRUG ADDICTION can clearly change. It will be difficult, but a change can be made, and it can last. Conversely, a person who believes himself to BE A DRUG ADDICT will usually return to the use of drugs even after weeks or even months of abstinence. Why? It’s because he believes that this is who he is. He doesn’t have a drug addiction; he is a drug addict. … once a person has a conviction about anything, he will ignore and even defend against any evidence that’s contrary to his belief. Unconsciously, this person will Not believe that he can change long-term, and this will control his behavior.
In addition, there’s often a secondary gain involved in the process of maintaining this negative behavior. After all, this man can blame his addiction on something he can’t control-it’s simply “who he is”–instead of facing the reality that taking drugs is a conscious decision.”
I just wanted to share this as food for thought. I don’t want to say too much more because I have lost it twice and do not wish to type it over again. Have a great everyone!

[icandothis]

That sounds awful. My husband helped push three cars out that got stuck at our intersection last night. The plow came by early this morning, and I will have to get out there soon! Not looking forward to it!

[icandothis]

Good news on the tax bill. We shared the same snow storm. I’m staying put today. It’s quite beautiful from the comfort of my warm house!

[icandothis]

Thank you, Sad, Kpat and jansdad.

Here is to our recovery and a life that is even better than the life we had before we began gambling!

[icandothis]

Last night my husband and I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant we have never been before, and then we went to a concert. We each ordered only soup and a dinner salad, so we could enjoy some luxury without breaking the bank. Saved money and calories too!
I posted this here because some where along the line, we stopped doing things like this. During arguments, I would through it in his face that our life was so boring, we never did anything any more, no excitement, etc. Also, that he had his things that he did that didn’t include me, and I didn’t have anything…There was quite a bit of truth in this fact. But that wasn’t his fault. More a consequence of a lifestyle change that took me away from home. Nevertheless, it wasn’t his fault, and I was, justifying my gambling, and trying to put some of the blame on him. There was also the fact that I felt guilty about spending extra money because I had already spent so much gambling.
I do think he saw some truth in my words, and since I began my recovery, he has tried to be more open about going out and we both are trying to find things that we can do together, making a point to accept invitations, and accepting freebies from our friends, like free concert tickets! I have also found things that I enjoy doing on my own or with my friends.

[icandothis]

I hope everything is going well for you, Cat. I thought of you this morning as I need to get caught up on putting my green dollar signs on my calendar. As I do this, I am going to imagine money flowing in to our lives from other sources other than gambling. I have no idea what those sources might be though. lol A girl can dream!

[icandothis]

How special to have that time with your daughter. Sounds wonderful. Also, I can feel the comfort you give your grandson. I find baths very comforting.

[icandothis]

Congratulations, Frozen. Job well done!

[icandothis]

Thanks, kpat
I am glad that you brought this up because there is a Spiritual aspect to it all. First, I do believe that the dream was a gift from God. Then there is the belief I have that everyone has a spark of the Divine or God within us. This is what connects us to God, but also to each other. Not just our humanness, but that which is sacred in us, our divinity.
So, this is what I hold on to…(my) our absolute goodness. It doesn’t matter what any one of us has done or hasn’t done, there is absolute Goodness within each and everyone of us. Grace.

[icandothis]

I wanted to share another dream. Kind of hard to explain, but I think I should share because I think it has helped me in my recovery.
I had this dream shortly after my last gamble, which was in September. Just as I was waking, I saw and I think felt, this black fog leave my body. When I awoke, I immediately thought that what had left my body was my gambling addiction. I felt such relief upon awakening, but I also knew that the fog had not left completely. It was still there close to my body.
Why do I think this dream has helped my recovery? After that dream, a subtle shift has occurred. I no longer think of the addiction as living inside me just waiting to get out, and therefore no longer feel like I might explode from trying to keep it inside. I no longer believe this is who I am. I never truly believed I could change because of this. I believed that I was a gambling addict and it was just too hard to change who I was. It also broke my heart that this is who I was, not to mention the self loathing. Changing my behavior seems much easier than changing who I am. Since then, I have read a lot about the power of our beliefs about who we are and our ability to change. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this problem has not gone away. I have a gambling problem. That black cloud is still hovering, wanting to get in. It’s still a fight, but it is no longer an inner battle.
I have more to say about this, and I realize that it is a bit contrary to the GA approach of saying…I am a compulsive gambler. More later. I welcome your thoughts.

[icandothis]

Thanks again, kpat. I think we were posting at the same time. I deleted last nights post about my husband and replaced it with something a bit more positive. This too shall pass!
You are right about that comfort thing, but I have to say, that in his own way he does try. I give him credit for that, but he has an ego the size of Montana, and it just gets in the way sometimes. I have to admit I may have been a bit unapproachable yesterday…downright prickly! lol Anyway, like I said today is a new day. I am still in bed, and he keeps checking in on me with fresh coffee, so I am pretty sure today will be much better than yesterday. I’ve had enough drama for one weekend. I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful Sunday!

[icandothis]

Thank you, kpat,
Today is a new day. It feels a lot like a Day 1, even though I didn’t gamble yesterday. I learned a lot yesterday. I was prepared to dig in after my trip and to continue with recovery and not gambling. What I wasn’t prepared for was how strongly I wanted to go and how disappointed I was that I wasn’t able to and how angry I was. Which I took out on my husband. Which wasn’t right at all. I am very disappointed in myself.
Today, things are strained, but we are both being nice to each other, as we both said things we regret. Today will be spent picking up the pieces of a shattered day.
I deleted what I said about him here last night because it simply wasn’t true. Well, maybe it was a little true. lol Still, I regret writing it, and I am grateful for the delete button, which is what I would like to do with yesterday…just delete it!

[icandothis]

Not a good day. I was supposed to go on a mini vacation with my girlfriends. The plan…gambling, cocktails at my friend’s, dinner and dancing at a country western bar. I had talked it over with my husband. The fact that I would gamble. He was ok with it. I go every year at this time with my friends and gambling is part of our get-away.
I haven’t gambled in 4 months.
Then, this morning it was canceled.
I suggested that I go gamble anyway. He said it was ok. But, I knew it wasn’t ok. It would never be ok. And, I hate it! Anger, tears!
Today, I hate that it will never be ok. Today, letting go stinks!
So, went to the grocery store and now I will cook dinner. So, what else is new?

[icandothis]

Welcome, The.End
I have no words of wisdom either. But, someday our Prince will come!!!

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