[icandothis]

Thank you, Vera and Kpat. Great question, Vera. I would have to say, “What in the last 15 years of my life hasn’t been related, or should I say tainted by gambling?”
So, yes, I would say it is related. Our financial situation would, of course, be better today if I had not gambled. But, I do not think it is the only cause of losing our cottage. We bought it when my husband was making quite a bit of money. That was 15 years ago. Shortly after that, he lost his job. Then two more after that. With each new job, he has made less and less. We never asked my parents to move out, which was part of the sale agreement. Their health was declining and their financial situation was worse than ours. We needed to sell when the value was at its highest, but we couldn’t ask my parents to move out. So, we continued to borrow on the mortgage and make higher and higher monthly payments. The real estate market bottomed out, and now the property is worth half of what it was worth when we bought it. We know the value will go up again, but we just can’t hold on any longer.
If I thought it was only related to my gambling, I don’t think I could bear it.

[icandothis]

Kpat, The “March Madness” thread is my pledge for a gamble-free March. I saw that you posted that you wanted the extra accountability. Would love to have you join in!

[icandothis]

I just wanted to pop in to say I just read your post to Maverick. It was very inspiring. Just what I needed to read today. That is what I love about this site. Here’s to many more positive, productive days!

[icandothis]

Not having a very good day in recovery and in general. Working through some very negative feelings. I know I will work through them, but right now, having a bit of a pity party.
Accepted an offer today on our cottage. I can’t believe it is really happening. Saying goodbye to the most beautiful piece of property on the face of the planet (ok, I might be exaggerating a bit…not really). My dad thought so too. He wanted to keep it in the family, but couldn’t afford it. So, we bought it from him. But, now we can’t afford to keep it either. Some may think, “wah, wah, you still have one roof over your head. It was your second home and many people don’t even have one. ” Part of me thinks the same thing. But, today, I am just very sad. It was my parent’s home for a long time. Since I was 16. It was a legacy they wanted to hand down. I feel that we have let them down, and our children, as well. We haven’t told the kids yet. They loved it so much! So many memories. Some bad, but mostly wonderful.
To continue the pity party, I will add that although the property is extremely valuable, we owe so much money that we won’t profit one penny. In fact, we will still owe!
Enough already. I am it tears, and I have to meet my husband. I am getting a new phone. I am probably the only person left in America with a flip phone (I call it my dumb phone) I don’t really want a new one, but lately I have had trouble getting my messages. I really do hate change, but alas, it is inevitable!

[icandothis]

Deleted posts on my thread. No apologies; no explanations! I don’t trust that my thank you to you won’t be deleted also. So, if it is. I just wanted to say thank you. Words cannot explain the emotions I am feeling right now. I am struggling. Feeling like I want to call it quits and find another road to recovery. If it weren’t for you and many others like you I have met here on this path, that decision would already be made.

[icandothis]

PS…I am glad you found a new job. I hope you enjoy it and it is working out for you!

[icandothis]

Hi Kathryn, I wanted to thank you for your post on my “March Madness” thread. Kpat had asked about the March pledge for some accountability, so I obliged. I have to admit, I do worry at times about things I have posted. I always have good intentions, but I would never want to offend anyone or hurt their feelings. But, I have never worried or given a thought to the fact that what I say might actually trigger them to want to gamble. Just typing those words chokes me up a bit.
This basketball tournament is a big deal in our family. My husband is glued to the TV. If our team is doing well, we usually end up at some party or local pub watching it with our friends. THIS IS CRAZY…I AM HESITANT TO EVEN TALK ABOUT IT. In all these years, neither my husband nor I have placed one bet on any game. So, I didn’t even give it a thought when I mentioned it. Just thought i’d be bit clever in the March pledge using a play on words. Was it thoughtless of me not to give it a second thought? Perhaps, this is after all a site for compulsive gamblers. If I had thought more about it, maybe I wouldn’t have used that play on words. But, should I have not mentioned a basketball tournament, when there are those reading who struggle with sports gambling? I don’t think so. I really don’t. And I do appreciate the fact that you spoke up. So thank you again for that.

[icandothis]

Kpat!, one thing I know for sure is that our story is not one of addiction, but one of RECOVERY!

[icandothis]

Kpat, I can relate to what you say, especially yesterday. We had a big snowstorm, rain mixed with ice. Made me think of all the times I drove home from the casino praying I would make it home. Didn’t matter that I could have left sooner, and I ignored the people gambling next to me who were talking about how bad the roads were. I have made a pledge to walk 30 minutes each day this month. I kept looking outside thinking I can’t go out in this. I guess I will mess up again. But the storm lessened, and I made it to the gym and back safe and sound. I am determined to keep this pledge. I don’t think it’s so much about the exercise as it is about keeping my word to myself and really meaning it.
Butchugly, welcome to GT. You have taken a positive step in your recovery and congratulations for that. We all know how difficult it is to feel positive when you are suffering through Day 1. I have suffered through way too many! Even recently. I am finding that the suffering gets worse and lasts longer the deeper I get into recovery. I think its because I have gotten a taste of how good I can feel, and then I go and choose to suffer instead. The simple truth is that we feel better when we do not gamble. There will be setbacks, days that bring us down. But, it isn’t unrealistic for someone with a gambling problem to be positive and to feel good. You will see. I know you will! I have read a little of your thread, and I think you are doing very well!

[icandothis]

I have been struggling to get back on recovery road. Took a detour. Since I have gambled, I can’t seem to get back the desire and enthusiasm I had for recovery. I am glad February is over. I have been doing a lot of journaling. Trying to get myself in a better place and gain the strength to get back on track.
I took one positive step today and went to the gym. After I was done exercising, I read my horoscope which said that if I could become more self-disciplined, my life would expand. No kidding! I am going to take this as a sign to work on being more self-disciplined where it is needed…which is just about every area of my life!

[icandothis]

I have to admit I have been struggling with urges. Even planned to go back to the same casino this next Tuesday. But, today is a new day. And I have decided I don’t have to give up all the progress I have made because of an outing with my girlfriends.
So I have been getting right back to work denying gambling a space in my life. Refusing to accept its power over me. I can’t deny the fact that I gambled, but I can deny being completely controlled by it by denying my need to return and continuing to take steps toward releasing the addiction.
No, I cannot deny the fact that I have gambled or that I still crave it, but I can deny the necessity of it, or at least try.
I have made progress in opening my mind to accepting the fact that gambling is not an inevitable part of my life unless I allow it to be. I am beginning to see that nothing need have control over my life unless I let it. There is a momentum which has already been established where gambling is losing its importance in my life. I like that. I like where I am today and I refuse to go back where I once was. I am choosing not to regret last weekend, but instead to use it to keep me motivated and committed to recovery.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Love yourselves! I am loving my new pink pajamas that hubby gave me. Life is good and I am not going back to misery, no matter how tempting. What is so attractive about misery? Why is it so tempting?

[icandothis]

Kpat, I almost missed your post. I love your words. “the CG I have developed” and, I thought I could have a fun time, but it was turned into something destructive. I wasn’t ready to give up this weekend with my girlfriends. Last year, I won when I went with my girlfriend. But, then the CG I had developed, made sure I returned time and again by myself and eventually lost that money and much more. This time, the CG I have developed went crazy once inside the casino. No fun for me, no fun for my CG. Maybe next year, i’ll be strong enough not to go with my girlfriends. I don’t know. The question is what can I do differently right now? How will this year be different? I am going to do everything I can to leave this behind me. I am not going to go back. I must be honest by saying that this is exactly what I want to do right now. Go back. Lots of inner conflict!
Vera, we are all in this together. I always appreciate your words. “all you can do now is suffer” I know what you mean is stay put, lick your wounds. This is not cold hearted. Because this is the most positive option I have right now. I can’t avoid suffering, but I could rush back to the casino, to avoid suffering, which would only bring more suffering. I choose to suffer for however long it takes, and then pull myself together again and continue with recovery. I don’t intend to start from Day 1, but from where I left off.
PS. I did plan on gambling. The total lack of control over my behavior once there, I hadn’t planned on that. Should never have brought the ATM card. I can live with a little craziness, but not with total destruction and lack of control.

[icandothis]

The weekend with my girlfriends finally came. Here I am 4 a.m. miserable. When I go inside a casino, I gamble compulsively. They do not. I spent so much money. They did not. I am miserable. They are not. It will take me so long to recover from this. why do I have to make whoever I am so miserable?

[icandothis]

Relating to my last post, my husband and I have been bowling on a league every Wednesday since September. Our teammates are friends of ours. We both really enjoy it. Neither one of us had really bowled before, and we joke about the fact that now we “are bowlers”. For me, it’s been a good distraction from gambling, and I find myself looking forward to going. I like that it’s fast-paced and mindless. Last week, I was watching how excited people got when they got strikes and spares. For me, it’s a little like hitting that bonus…bump, bump, bump. But, it’s so much better because everyone is happy for you, too. Healthy competition, where everyone just tries to do the best they can. Sometimes my husband and I play ok, but most of the time we don’t, and we usually lose. I love that we don’t care. We are just there to have fun. ok, we do care a little, but we are getting better. I like that my bowling is improving. I was never going to get better at gambling, and with bowling, there is no shame or devastation in losing. It’s just a game…better luck next time! And, I am looking forward to knocking those pins down again next week!

[icandothis]

Sounds like quite a day, kpat! I am glad things worked out with your son’s trouble. When my son was in Middle School, he was involved in an incident where he was threatened with a knife. The boy’s father, who happened to be a lawyer, tried to make it look like both boys were equally responsible. There was an investigation and the other boy was expelled from school for one year, and our son was not held responsible.
Our daughter got into trouble with a good friend of hers the beginning of High School. Her friend ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Her parents, who are also good friends of ours, also tried to hold both girls equally responsible. Although our daughter needed to be held accountable, we did not agree. However, we agreed to keep the incident quiet, as their daughter had more to lose than ours from any publicity. Although, painful at the time, it was a good thing that happened for our daughter. She kept her nose squeaky clean the rest of high school. She avoided going any place where there might be alcohol, which meant she stayed away from just about every party or social event. She lost quite a few so-called friends, but she decided who she wanted to be, and had the strength to stick with it throughout high school. She spent many Friday and Saturday nights at home where she began pursuing her interest in music, film, and photography. All of which she is still pursuing, but now making a career of.
Enough about my family, my point is that I see your son growing from this experience as well. It is the worst thing as a parent when our kids get into trouble because even though we would love to, we cannot totally shield them from the consequences of their actions. But, our never-changing, unconditional love is what we hold onto because it is what they need to hold on to!
After your husband is done killing those aliens, he owes you a massage!

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