[icandothis]

Congratulations, Larry, on your 3 years.  Three years of not just being Gambling Free, but working recovery.  Thanks for sharing your journey with us!

[icandothis]

Day 2.  So nice to get caring responses after being away and taking a deliberate detour on the road to recovery.  Yesterday was a "normal" day or it could have been, maybe even a great day, but then, you just keeping remembering that it is day 1.  My hubby and I went to a resort town and had dinner with his family and then went to a show that was a tribute to Frank Sinatra.  Would not have felt bad about the extravagence if I hadn’t gambled.  Also, thinking husband knows I gambled but doesn’t know the damage yet.  Thinking that his family thinks I’m ok, but I’m not.  Can’t relax and enjoy myself because I don’t deserve it and I am thinking that I am a terrible person.  Always hiding the person I really am.  Now today, mixed with the shame and guilt is regret and "I just can’t believe I did that!"  and "Why did I have to do that?" …"I could be enjoying my life if I didn’t keep messing up!"….I know I did this to myself and my family…just sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I am going away for the weekend to pick up my daughter in New York City, so I will be away for a couple of days.  But I will be back posting on Monday continuing to record this crazy road to recovery. 

[icandothis]

Another day 1.  Someone talked about shame and guilt.  I hate it.  I think it’s easier to change if we can let go of it.  I am doubting my ability to change and all I have to show for what I have done is shame and guilt.  I really don’t want to say much at this time.  So many fears, doubts but I can have a good life…it’s up to me.  I hope my husband can stay with me and forgive me.  He deserves more than I have given him.  I am going to ***** days because every day matters, and every day I must make a conscious effort not to gamble, and then hopefully begin to fill days with something better.  Life is too precious and short to live this way.  ENOUGH!

[icandothis]

Thank you for sharing that again, Bettie.  I remember reading that awhile back, and it has even more meaning to me now.  Perfect reading for me just now while I was eating my yogart.   A good reminder to be more compassionate with myself and also another person I know who is addicted to alchohol. 

[icandothis]

Glad to hear things are going a little better with your medications.  Good for you on those daily workouts.  This is something I need to do also, but I just am not making it happen.  Today would be a good day to start.  In my book, you are the ultimate GA poster girl! 

[icandothis]

Just wanted to thank you for your posts on my thread.  Two things stood out in particular.  Focus on solutions, not just the problems and also, thank you for posting…Today is the First Day of My Spiritual Journey.  Why did I name my first thread "Today is the First Day of My Spiritual Journey"?  I was in a Bible study for years. We were talking about rebirth, the chance to start over and over and over.  I started to laugh and then shared my journal entries, I didn’t realize it but at the top of many pages I wrote. "Today is the First Day of My Spiritual Journey."   My friends still laugh about this, but we all saw the bigger truth.  Thank you for reminding me, every day can be a new beginning.  I still believe it.  I know it, I just need to live it.  We can all begin again… and again… and again…

[icandothis]

Hi Larry and Geordie,  Wanted to share my dog story.  I have this cute little dog…so gentle, wouldn’t hurt a flea.  She has arthritis and can no longer jump up on her favorite chair.   I come in the room and find her staring at the chair…I am not sure what she is thinking, maybe she has hopes of being able to make the jump all by herself or maybe she is waiting for somebody to come and help her.  I come by and give her the lift she needs, but she growls at me every single time!!!!

[icandothis]

Still in my thoughts, Sherrie!

[icandothis]

Thinking of you Vera!  Hope you are not working too hard.  Do what you have to do for you, but try not to stay away from us too long.  We miss you!  (No pressure, just well wishes!)

[icandothis]

Flyorra,  Sorry about your slip.  I have been thinking of you. but just been busy.  Sorry about not responding sooner.  It sounds like you are a little more positive than the last time, and I am glad of that.  I have been praying for you and feeling that you can get past this and start over.  To not be too hard on yourself.  You are  philosophical.  I have seen that light in the palm of my hand.  But this is why I believe there is intrinsic value in life.  Every life matters and has value, including yours.    There is value in the world because we are all connected by that light.  There is evil because people reject that light, they turn away and follow something they mistake for the light.   "What do you really want?"  Well that is a great question.   I am still looking for the answer to that one.  Maybe it’s not just one big thing we are looking for…one big, if I have this thing that I want, then I will be happy.  Maybe the power is in asking.  Every season, year, day, hour is different, and what we desire out of life changes.  It sounds simple, but I think everyone wants to be happy, but it is up to us to make it happen.    Flyorra, you may not believe this, but you can find what you are looking for.  Keep asking that question.  It’s a really good one.  And keep looking within yourself.  The light is there.  I need to close.  I wrote more than I intended.  I hope some of it makes sense.  Good graces to you.  Stay strong.

[icandothis]

Hi Cat,  Just having coffee myself.  Both yours and Amyy’s posts were great and I have been meaning to respond and tell you so, but I have been caught up in a project.   I am giving a shower for my girlfriend’s daughter.  I felt pressured into having it in the first place, and I should have known better, as this friend is high-maintenence in general.  The shower isn’t until May 6, so I thought I would get them out early next week and focus on Easter this week.  My girlfriend only gave me the guest list Sunday and then tells me that they really need to get out early this week.  That’s more than 4 weeks in advance!  …she took 3 weeks to get me the guest list!  So I think, ok, I’ll get them done and then I can focus on Easter.  As I get older, I can only focus on one thing at a time. lol   The theme is pink, so I went online to get ideas.  Found something from Martha Stewart.  **** that Martha Stewart.  The idea was to glue different patterns of pink paper on cardstock,  I added a bow to the inside of each card.  Very cute,  only one problem, after gluing, gluing, gluing for the last two days, I discovered that the paper doesn’t stick to the cardstock!  Back to the drawing board.  This time I bought a kit, but I had to start completely over.  So, that is what I am doing, assembling cards.  These are cute, too, and include a picture of the wedding couple.  No gluing necessary.  Sorry to go on about that.  But generally I am feeling better and beginning to be able to focus on recovery more and my past mistakes less.  Gambling really beat me up good.  Next time, let’s talk about that exercise program.  That’s right, Cat, you have been talking about it alot lately, and it is time for action!   Have a great day, and maybe take a little walk!

[icandothis]

Reds, Good to see you in chat.  Have a great time in Chicago.  I just love Chicago!  To see each other in person would be such a treat!

[icandothis]

Cat, Thank you!  I love your rambling!

[icandothis]

Cat, Congratulations on your gamble-free month of March!  I think posting your thoughts on gambling has helped you and I know others as well.  I have been doing the same lately and I think the opposite is true for me.  It has left me feeling a little depressed.  Oh well, not every day is easy or a happy recovery day.   I’ll keep plugging along and maybe someday what I write will make sense and help me.  It’s crazy but the thought that I cannot gamble again and the fear of not being able to stop gambling (even though I know I should just be taking one day at a time) has left me feeling quite down it the dumps even though my last relapse has also left me feeling quite down in the dumps.   Enough about me.  Congrats to you!

[icandothis]

Hi everyone, Having a hard time shaking this feeling of doom and gloom.   All that philosophizing yesterday.  Thinking it’s a bunch of cr##.  Bottom line, and I have always been this way.  Tell me I can’t do something or I tell myself I can’t do something makes me want to do it all the more.    I think that is why in the beginning I focused on recovery more than not gambling.  I am done trying to figure it out.  It doesn’t matter, all I have been thinking about is gambling, and some how I need to find a way to stop.

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