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(((Kathryn))) Your post to Razzabelle touched me deeply. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of recovery..at least for me. God uses us..brokeness and all. You were there for your sister when she needed you. You have regrets, but the truth is that you were there for your sister. It may not look like that from your perspective, but it did from your sister’s, and God used you warts and all. I remember about 4 years ago, my brother called me and said that if I wanted to see my father again, I should get there soon. Like you, it’s not like I hadn’t seen my father, or been there for him or my mother as much as I possibly could. It’s just that I was coping with it all by gambling. Like we talked about…I wasn’t 100 percent present…the truth (unlike with the times with my daughter, i didn’t want to be) Ureka, we have to be willing to be present for all of it … the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Anyway, I stopped to gamble and arrived at the trailer in the middle of the night. Of course, feeling guilty and ashamed. When I arrived at our trailer, I saw a shadow in my brother’s trailer next door. I had an uneasy feeling. I recognized the shadow as my mother. She didn’t usually stay with my brother, and I could tell something wasn’t right. I entered my brother’s trailer and found my mother crying, disoriented, and in need of a bath. I took care of my mother, and my brother and SIL were so grateful I was there when I was. They never questioned why I arrived at 3:30 am.
I dressed my mother up in her best clothes. We spent the next day at the hospital with my father. He made a short miraculous recovery and asked me to feed him and was his old self. He died the next day. I said goodbye in the morning and then watched my daughter graduate from High School that night. In between, I stopped to gamble. I thought it was the only way I could cope. I was wrong, but still, God used me…brokeness and all!
(((Me)))) Prayers to you and your family. RG is right. You are an inspiration. Recovery isn’t just for the good *****. Life can be difficult, but you are right, the difficulties are not an excuse to lean on our addictions. The addictions, which will only make what life throws at us worse.
Hi Razz, I just finished a great book called "Tattoos on the Heart…The Power of Boundless Compassion" To quote the author.."Guilt is feeling bad about one’s actions, but shame is feeling bad about oneself." This quote really hit me. I have no answers, but I know I must continue to work on changing my actions. As I begin to change my actions, I begin to feel better about myself. But then, as we all know, sometimes our actions fall short. That is where that power of boundless compassion comes in. We should have this compassion for ourselves, but we don’t. At least I don’t. I believe it is hard for me because right now the shame has permeated every fiber of my being. I may feel embarassed, weak, and worthless, but I continue to come here to this site because I need the compassion from others that I cannot give myself. I hope you will continue to do the same and stick with us no matter what.
The author talked of a compassion that stands by each other for what we have to carry rather than judging each other for how we carry it. You will find that here. Today is the first day of my spiritual journey!Hey CC, Sorry you are feeling low. Sorry that it comes with the territory of gambling. I stopped on the way home from the hospital. new casino. Nothing new about the experience. Similar to yours. Feeling very low. 5 months is wonderful. Focus on recovery and your success. I still believe in 2013 as a year of recovery. All the days of recovery are more powerful than one day of gambling. i am ready to get back on the road. How about you??
Glad you were ok, Bettie. Scary. I believe, also, that 2013 will be your year! Don’t stop believing…hold on to that feeling! lol Happy New Year!
Kathryn, Thank you for your kind words on my thread. I hope you had a Merry Christmas, too!
Thank you, Kathryn. I so want to believe in a life free from all my addictions! Merry Christmas to you!!!
Your support to me and others is such a blessing. Wishing you the best this holiday season.
((((Larry)))) You are certainly not a fraud or a weak person. I admire you so much. You have done such a great job on your recovery. It shows so much character to continue posting. You have and continue to help so many. Today, I extend my hand to you my fellow gambler, my friend!
Hey Bettie, Great story. Is Jim single??? If so, did you get his number???
Hi Bettie, Just wanted to thank you for posting to me on my thread. I think you are right, our addiction likes to feed us with negative thoughts. Our addiction also likes to tell us that things will get better if we hit the "jackpot" and then, we will quit gambling and use that jackpot to improve our lives. Such lies! This must be an emotional time for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!
90 pounds lighter!!!! Yeah, you!!!Hi Larry/Paul, Just wanted to share a story which relates to your post signature. Years ago, when I was teaching Sunday School at our church, we had two Lesbian white women who were active members and also my friends. They both were Social Workers and became aware of abused children who were literally being locked in their family’s attic. There were 3 African American boys, and 1 African American girl. Cousins and siblings. The two women wanted to become their foster parents with the desire to adopt. There was talk (all behind their backs, of course) about the rightness of this decision. Should 2 Lesbian white women raise 3 black boys? Were they being selfish and not really thinking about what was best for the boys? (The girl was adopted later) As you can imagine, there was alot for these kids to adjust to. As a congregation, we did everything to embrace these children, but they lacked so many socialization and communication skills. At around 10 years of age, they had never even held a ball. My friends were worried about one of the boys in particular who seemed content at first but then refused to talk and wouldn’t respond when they called his name. He then began telling them that his name was Paul and he would not answer to his old name. They then realized that he had heard the Saul/Paul story in Sunday School and that he no longer wanted to be referred to by his old name. From then on everyone had to call him Paul or he wouldn’t answer. When he was adopted, his name was legally changed to Paul. These wonderful children taught our congregation so much, but Paul in particular. Honestly, I don’t remember his birth name. These children didn’t care about color or sexual orientation. They were ready to leave the past behind. Paul understood that he was on the right road that he was given a second chance and he was going to embrace his opportunity for transformation. He and the other children never looked back. They embraced their new life and those who were offering it to them with all of their hearts and they didn’t care what anybody else thought. All of them are going or have graduated from college. Once Paul found his voice, he began singing in the church choir (the voice of an angel) and then sang in college and went into theater as well.
This Paul reminded me of another Paul who had the courage change. I just wanted to share this story with you and to say Thank you for your continued support.