[icandothis]

You are so welcome, Maverick. Those urges will come. I used to feel bad about the fact that I had urges and that I still wanted to gamble. But, now I accept the fact that they will come, I have to live with them, but I don’t have to act upon them. Do something more rewarding. Like make a pork roast for you and your family! Sounds delicious.
My kids are coming over later to watch what we believe is a very important football game on TV. It’s snowing outside, so we will have a fire inside. I’m making marinated lamb, baked orzo, and brussel sprouts. My husband will have to grill it outside during half-time. We’re supposed to get 6 inches of snow. He’ll make a big deal about it, but he loves it, and he loves having his kids home, and he really loves watching football, especially with his family. I’m pretty excited, too! I better get up and get the house ready and get cooking. Enjoy your weekend!

[icandothis]

Hi Lizbeth, Thank you for your support and your post on my thread.
I love how you focus on the positives in your life.
I have to admit, when I grocery shop, I sometimes buy a scratch ticket. Kind of a treat after doing a job I don’t like. But, what is the point. Not really a treat and it doesn’t make grocery shopping anymore fun.
I listen to something called Abraham Hicks on youtube. They also have a facebook page. They say a lot of things. But one thing that reminds me of you, is that they say focus on the things that are working in your life instead of the things that are not working.
I see that in you all the time. Yes, you have struggles with those you love in your life, but you focus on what is working. What is good. Knowing you cannot control anyone or anyone’s behavior but your own.
Continue to see and love the best parts of those you care about. But, continue to protect yourself. All you can do is love them from where they are at.
Continue to work on your own wholeness. That is the most important thing.
You cannot become sick enough to cure someone else.

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie, just getting caught up on some threads. I am so sorry that things haven’t been going well for you. I am praying for you, Bettie. You have come so far in your recovery. Don’t forget that. Be easy on yourself and try to move forward. A cruise sounds wonderful. A great adventure!

[icandothis]

Hi kpat, hope you are doing well. You and your family have been in my prayers. Especially, in your concerns about your son. Also, wondering what your husband decided about the position at church. I hope any decision isn’t based on your fear that your family is not good enough for your church, as I read in one of your posts. You are not only good enough, but perfect in God’s eyes. I think deep down you know that. I know you believe that about other people. Why is it so hard to believe it about ourselves?
The Bible tells us over and over again that God does not choose perfect people by worldly standards to do His work.
I am not saying your husband should take the position. You may have too much on your plate at this time. But I just wanted to remind you of your worthiness.
Take care and be gentle with yourself and your wonderful family.

[icandothis]

I’ll be thinking of you, FG. Enjoy your gamble-free Thursday!

[icandothis]

Quite a day. My lady friend that I take to the Senior Center fell off her chair. There was such a loud sound that everyone thought she hit her head on the table. The paramedics came. She was fine, but it scared me. I’ll never forget the terrified look on her face.
A very good friend of mine and neighbor went into the hospital today for the umpteenth time. She has Stage IV Cancer and is not doing well. I honestly cannot handle the thought of losing her.
Also, I spent the evening with one of my very best friends who lost her husband April 1 (I absolutely adored him and miss him so much). Today would have been their 31st Wedding Anniversary. She, of course, is struggling. When I got home, I found my husband upset, as he was thinking about our friend as well. Just a sad day. Some days are like that. And, yet, despite my fears and all the tears, there was also some laughter.. and this was a day filled with love, so much love.

[icandothis]

Thanks for your reply, Sad. I thought I would post a little update this morning. I am doing well. I did gamble in September and October, but I am pledging not to gamble in November. I have managed to pay my brother $500 each month since August to pay back the money we owe him. I don’t think I gambled this summer, which is amazing, because summers have always been bad for me. Always losing lots of money.
Summer was crazy. Starting a new job. We sold our cottage. So, we worked every weekend moving. Also, our trailer flooded. So much damage. We gutted it and started over. We had a contractor, but we did a lot of the work ourselves. Our contractor did terrible work. So disappointing. The floors still aren’t right. Uneven and still soft in spots. It still makes me so mad. But, in general, it looks a lot better than it did before the flood, and our insurance covered a lot of it. Lots of stress though on my husband and I, with the trailer and also losing the cottage. It took its toll on our relationship. But, now, I think we are better than ever. We are both in a very good place, and we are enjoying ourselves and our time together. Kind of like when we were young, before we had kids. Both of us working, and then enjoying our evenings together. Except now we have less money and less future to look forward to. We do eat better though, so there is that. lol
My job was so hard in the beginning. I would come home crying saying I couldn’t do it. It’s still difficult, but I really like the people I work with and my office is brand new, and the University is beautiful and now I even like the fact that the job is challenging.
It’s been great having my son and DIL home from London. They lived with us for a while, but now they are in a lovely house close by. My daughter is also doing well. She started a new job the exact same day as I did. We are huge football fans, so we see the kids every weekend there is a home game. We all really get into all the hoopla!
So, I can’t complain. Life is good. It may not sound like it, but I think recovery is going well, also. The last two trips to the casino in September and October have set me back spiritually and financially, but I am trying not to dwell on it and to live and learn from it and to move on. What else can we do? Recovery is a life-long process. What I am finally beginning to learn is to accept myself for who I am, and I may even be beginning to like myself. I am learning to give myself a break, and as I am getting better at it, I have noticed I that I am able to accept others for who they are and give them a break also. Everyone has their own ### and we are all really doing the best we can from where we are at.
That’s about it for now. Take care every one. Be gentle with yourselves.

[icandothis]

FG, I know you will come back from this. Why not make those Thursdays special? Something to look forward to. Time with your husband. A great beginning to your weekend. Way better than gambling by yourself. Dinner out? Movie? Romantic dinner at home? Take out? Any good feelings you have during this evening, amplify it in your mind so that the evening becomes something you look forward to instead of something you and your husband have to do so you don’t gamble. I am looking forward to hearing about your special Thursday nights!!! Have fun with this. You can enjoy the last night of your work week in so many other ways beside gambling. Your husband sounds like a great guy. Let him love you through this! You both deserve your recovery!

[icandothis]

Hi Kpat, I wanted to thank you for asking about how I was doing on my thread. I haven’t even read very many posts. I have read a bit of yours, and it sounds like you are doing ok. This past summer was crazy. We sold the cottage and worked every weekend to clean things out and get the trailer ready to live in. We had to deal with a poor contractor who never did get the floors of the trailer right. There are still soft spots. Such shabby work. So frustrating. The woman I call on health is deteriorating, so she rarely gets out of the house. I am enjoying my other job more and more, and mostly I am working on finding a balance between work and the rest of my life. I tend to get carried away and consumed with work in much the same way I do with gambling. Don’t take the time to take care of myself. Last week my husband was out of town and I went gambling. I was going to go for awhile and then come home and get some things done around the house. I stayed all night and wore myself into the ground.
This has set my recovery back, but I am still on the road. I haven’t had the time to post like I used to, but I still think of you and others here. I have time to do some journaling today. I feel like I may never conquer my weaknesses. But just for today, I am going to be thankful for my life just as it is, warts and all! Then focus on the new, stronger, healthier me that is trying to emerge. I know she is there somewhere! lol Have a wonderful Sunday, Kpat. Peace.

[icandothis]

I would be a cucumber. Refreshing, delicious, crunchy, juicy, and cool…so cool!

[icandothis]

Vera, For a while we had good babysitters. Then, we had “the babysitter from hell.” It was then that I decided that if anyone was going to mess up my kids…it was going to be me! I quit my job and decided to be a stay-at-home-mom . It was then that I decided to begin to trust my abilities to parent because what else could I do and what else could I give them, but who I was? I was there, and in end, I believe for me, it was the right choice.
I am not judging anyone else’s choice.
My last post was mixed with a little wine, and perhaps with a little truth. We only have one life to live. I made my choices based on the truth that I knew I couldn’t give equally to both my career and my family. I chose what was most important to me. I am grateful I had that choice.
I have seen many women who can balance the two. I couldn’t do it.

[icandothis]

Thank you so much p. Your encouragement has always meant a lot to me.
Vera, It’s hard to say when I took a break from my career. I think I gave up my career the day I got married. The day I said whatever dreams, goals, or ambitions I have are not as important as yours. Why did I assume because we went to College together that he would understand that I wanted to do something in the World as much as he did? No, I was to stay at home and raise the children. Until the time when that wasn’t enough…

[icandothis]

Hi Vera. I am hopeful that I will like the job, but right now, it is very hard. So much for this old brain to learn! Funny you mention being tired because I am just exhausted at the end of each day! I know it will eventually get easier…at least I hope so. I think about gambling as a way to de-stress, but I have no time or energy, which is a good thing. And somehow, little by little I am building a new life in which gambling doesn’t fit in.
I don’t think I could ever pay back my husband all the money I have spent the past 10 years. But, at least this year I am even and now I have a chance to help out with paying back some of our debt.
Starting in August, I am going to do just what you suggested to pay back my brother. And if I save any extra money, that is where it will go. With what I can afford right now, it should take 4 years, so I am really hoping I can kick in some extra payments to get it done quicker. You are right about owing money to a family member. He has been so good about it, but I hate it. I think he thought that when we sold the cottage, he would get it all in a lump sum. We would love to give it to him if there were a lump sum to give.
Lots going on here, and many changes. I’ll get you caught up, but right now I am going back to bed. I am hoping to get caught up on some threads and do some posting tomorrow. Take care. I haven’t posted, but I have joined you in your June pledge. So far this year January and May are my only gamble free months. I only gambled one time in each of the other months, but we both know only one time is way too many!!!

[icandothis]

That was such a wonderful post. So happy for you. I smiled when you described the bond and friendships you had with the other women. How special. I have a group of women friends I go away with each year. We laugh and cry until wee hours of the night, too. But I never tell them about my gambling problem. Something I just keep to myself. Keep posting. I know it won’t be easy now that you are home. But, I also know that you can do this! Glad you found the help you needed when you needed it the most!

[icandothis]

Last weekend, I transferred almost all my savings (I still have $67.00 lol) to pay off our credit card debt. It has been a long road, but no more credit card debt!!!
I had a bit of savings that I think I was holding on to, so I could gamble without dipping into our joint account. Last weekend I was paying bills, and I wrote a check from our joint checking to pay off my credit card debt (the one I used the last time I gambled). I remember what I had said about paying my husband back and how kpat commended me for it. I was feeling guilty, so I decided to make up for it by putting all my savings into paying back this debt. One click and it was done. I felt so good. It also serves as a barrier for me. The company I have been working for is now doing direct deposit instead of mailing me my check, which is also a good barrier. Having that check in my hands was dangerous. Way too many times I have cashed it and headed to the casino.
We had major debt on 3 different cards. At least $7,000 on each one. I think it’s taken about 5 years, maybe more to accomplish this. Most of the debt on these cards was from my gambling. My recovery has not been perfect, and I set us back too many times. With each set back, it is so hard to forgive yourself and move on. My recovery is definitely an example of progress, not perfection. Whether you think you can quit gambling or not, focus on what you want…how you want your life to be. Don’t keep focusing on what you don’t want, unless you want more of it!
Reality: Still over $100,000 in debt. Won’t focus on that…too depressing. I will focus on paying off the next debt and how good it will feel when it is accomplished. We owe my brother $25,000. Money he lent us many years ago when my husband lost his first job. So far, we have only been paying him interest. Time to begin paying him off for real.
Long story short…What I like about recovery is that it makes you look at the craziness of how you are spending. The reality hits you hard, but if you are committed to recovery and the fact that little by little you can begin to turn things around, then little by little you can turn things around.

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