[icandothis]

Thanks, Lizbeth and Cat. I am feeling better today. Monday night when I got home, I got caught up on reading posts. I found exactly what I needed to hear in those posts. In particular, Carole’s words to P and Harry’s words to Jackwilson. In the past, I have always thought of each slip as a failure. Worse, I think of myself as a failure. And looked at trying to start over each time as a failure trying not to fail once again. Not a pretty picture, and not a healthy way to live one’s life. From now on, I am going to look at the big picture. Recovery, like life, is a journey, not a destination. This time, I will learn from my mistakes. I know exactly why I gambled. I knew I was vulnerable, and I didn’t put up the barriers I needed. I also wanted to gamble, and was planning on doing so. Then, the floodgates were open, and I didn’t have the strength to resist. I will do everything in my power not to let this happen again. If I feel I don’t have the power, I will put up every barrier I can. The problem with barriers is that you don’t put them up, if you want to gamble, so I will find a way to put them up ahead of time. I have work to do, but I am determined and will make a plan. Also, I am going to continue to work on recovery. Living a more healthy, happy lifestyle. Committed to creating more pleasure in my life and less pain. Breaking the old patterns of seeking pleasure that are harmful. I followed my old pattern which let me directly to the casino. It is so ingrained, it was almost automatic. It won’t be easy, but I am not a slave to these old patterns. I can change them one choice at a time.
Also, Cat. Yesterday, I put the X’s and $’s on my calendar. that also helped me to begin looking at the big picture. I thought an X would do me in, but I am looking forward to seeing those $’s again and moving forward with my recovery.
I am very grateful for this site. Don’t underestimate the positive effect of your posts. Even the negative ones. lol As Lizbeth said, we all have each other’s support. And for that I am very grateful.

[icandothis]

Thanks, Cat. July is not going well. 3 black X’s.
I miss being somebody I liked. I miss being sure of things. there is no peace in being unsure of everything all the time. I miss looking forward to the future. I miss being a part of what’s happening in my children’s lives. I miss that and just being part of what’s happening. I miss feeling needed. I miss my life. I miss myself.

[icandothis]

Hi Cat, Just put my last green dollar sign on my calendar for the month of June!!! Thank you!

[icandothis]

Hi Jack. Thank you for your post on my thread. It is good to see you continuing to post. So many start and then stop. I have made the mistake of looking to the future. It is too overwhelming. There are events coming up in my future that in the past, I have always chosen to gamble. If I think ahead, it can make me decide to gamble today because I know I can’t and won’t be strong in the future. I don’t know if that makes sense. But the long and short of it is that the only thing I can handle is not gambling today, and that is what I have to focus on. Glad that you made that choice today.

[icandothis]

Thank you, Vera and P! I feel like I am at that point of surrender, also, P! I pray that it we are all at that point. Things have been going quite well for me lately, and then I found out last night that my husband’s job is on the line once again. He has been fired from his last 3 jobs. He is very good at what he does, but he is in sales, and it is very tough. In fact, the first job he lost, he was the most successful salesman they had. The problem was that they didn’t want to pay him his commission, so they let him go. That company is in business today only because of my husband’s sales. He told me a month ago that even though he was making his quota, his company wanted new sales. He had been working for some time on something new. A 1.8 million dollar sale. And he got it! that is until last night we found out his client had to do something different. Circumstances totally beyond my husband’s control. He is devastated. He feels like a loser. Apologizing to me. I am the one who is the loser, and I have been apologizing to him. I feel even worse about my gambling. The two of us are a sorry lot. We are both so weary after all we have been through the last 5 years. I see how defeated he is and it breaks my heart. Thank you for listening. Sorry to be all doom and gloom. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. The one thing I do know is that we will hang on tight to one another, and that is a blessing that trumps everything else!

[icandothis]

Hi Jack, Thanks for posting on my thread. You make an interesting point about the positive feelings you have just after gambling. There is definitely a process of before, during and after with gambling. I read an article about how we seek pleasure and avoid pain. It said to list not only the things you hated about the habit you want to change, but also what you liked, and the purpose or benefit it served you. Once you pinpoint these things you can begin to seek the same benefit or achieve the desired emotions with healthier choices. …something like that. Keep up the good work. My husband and I are on our way to our cottage. Have a great weekend.
Yesterday, was a bad day for me. Called the credit card company and found out the damage I had done was worse than I thought. This would be the face-the-consequences-of-your-actions phase of the process!!! Which I really hate!!!

[icandothis]

These days off are the most difficult. Too much freedom. Lots of unhealthy thoughts. It is so hard when we wake up and face the damage that we have done. It doesn’t help to beat myself up, but it is hard not to. I wish I could erase this past year…the past ten years…and start again. I like what Lorraine said about the journey, so I won’t worry about beginning again, I will continue on with my recovery journey. Doing the best I can just for today.
I am working on not being afraid of the future and to stop fretting about our finances. I must have faith that everything will work out. I am determined to stop gambling, but when I look ahead or begin thinking about the machines, my confidence waivers. I have to stop thinking about those machines! One month, one year begins with today because that is all I have to think about. Time will take care of the rest. I can take today off, relax and do whatever I need to do for my recovery. Or I could choose to gamble. Run myself ragged. Loose the money I take with me. then run to the ATM and max out there. Then get a cash advance from our credit card. then come home in the middle of the night. Face my husband and all the damage done. Cry over a bottle of wine. Hate myself once again for my stupidity and my belief that I can never change. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Today will be what it is, but it will not be a repeat of one of my gambling nightmares.

[icandothis]

Hi Carole, I think you are really on to something. I am glad you realized that the problem was a feeling of loneliness and that gambling was not the solution. It is ok not to want to feel lonely, and it is ok to want to feel good. We just can’t turn to gambling to turn those feelings around. We need to find other avenues that will help us with our feelings of loneliness or the fact that we want to have a good time. It is normal when we are feeling pain to want to seek pleasure. And for our CG minds that means seeking pleasure in one way. We need to begin seeking other possible alternatives and then train our minds to think of doing those activities to relieve our pain. Choosing the same thing that doesn’t work and only causes more pain isn’t the answer. But stopping gambling, and then not pursuing anything to replace it, isn’t smart either. It takes effort, but searching for the things that “float our boat” is an important part of recovery. I know what you mean about wanting to get silly, letting yourself just be you. I hope you have a great, silly, playful, delightful day at the beach with your granddaughter.

[icandothis]

Thank you so much, Vera. Just the words I needed this morning. I am feeling better today. I think I tend to put pressure on myself with recovery. Thinking I can change myself, and then falling short. Things are going really quite well in my life right now. And as we all know, that can change in a drop of a hat. So I will make the best of today. —– my blessings, indeed. Accept myself as I am. Be grateful. Be patient. Say a prayer for Ken and his family and all those who are grieving. The last couple of days have not been my finest. They are in the past, and today I am working on letting them go. Last night we ordered in Chinese food. My fortune said…All you have is today…there is no such thing as yesterday or tomorrow.
Signs, signs everywhere the signs!!!
My prayer for everyone’s today…Forget yesterday, stop worrying about tomorrow, and enjoy today!

[icandothis]

This month is going by at a snail’s pace! I really want my 57th year to be gamble-free.
So confident June 1, but my confidence has faded.
So out of control in other areas of my life. Wondering if it is worth it. I don’t gamble and yet fail in other areas of my life. Always something for me to fall short on. I think there will always be something I will be addicted to.
I can’t find the words right now.

[icandothis]

Jo, Thinking of you and hope you are doing well. I think it is great that you and your mom have such a good relationship. Jo, you are in the process of recovering from so much more than gambling. Please give yourself the time and space you need to heal. You have been through so much. Gambling is a way you have chosen to deal with things. It is not THE way, but forgive yourself for choosing it. You have been through Hell and you will find your way back. You are an incredibly strong woman. You deserve peace, girl! You will find it again…be patient.

[icandothis]

Liz, Thank you for the birthday wish. It was one of my best birthdays ever! Well, except for the fact that I was still haunted by my gambling the weekend before. And, yet, it reminded me that there are healthy escapes from reality.
Someone posted this on facebook and for some reason I felt I wanted to share it with you. lol
Some family trees
have beautiful leaves
and some have just a bunch of nuts.
Remember, it
is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking! ~ Author Unknown
On a more serious note, I pray for your youngest daughter daily. I hate that addictions seem to run in families. At least, in my family it seems to be the case. I honestly believe that the most unselfish thing we can do is to selfishly work on ourselves, our lives, and our recovery so that when our loved ones need us, we will be able to answer the call. You have been there for your family, Liz, and you have recreated your own life as well. Not an easy thing to do. And, for that, you should be very, very proud. As Larry used to say, God Speed.
Larry, we miss you!

[icandothis]

Hi Cat, Thank you for the birthday wishes. Being the procrastinator that I am, I just printed out a blank calendar for the rest of the year. I have decided to put a big green dollar sign on each day that is gamble-free. I think this will also symbolize…and hopefully attract lol…money flowing in from other sources other than gambling. Also, symbolizing money that will not be flowing out and wasted on gambling. I have also resumed putting a quarter a day in a glass jar. Which, ironically, is shaped like an elephant.
When I went to see a counselor about my mother’s drinking problem, she talked about addiction being the elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. In this case, I am going to literally feed the elephant, the elephant that is not the addiction!
I am glad that your husband is at least working on his drinking problem. I have to admit I could relate to the starting on Monday thing. I have been going to start doing or not doing something on Monday for the last 40 years!

[icandothis]

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. It meant so much to me because I know how hard it is to reach out to others, even if it is only to say happy birthday when we are struggling so ourselves.
“We must commit to learning from our mistakes, rather than beating ourselves up, or we’re destined to make the same mistakes in the future” Anthony Robbins
The rest is a bit Anthony Robbins mixed in with my own thoughts. Also, talking to myself as well as to you. I wanted to post to you Saturday morning, but I didn’t have internet access, so I wrote to in my journal instead. This is what I wrote.
What can we learn from this? This short-term setback may even be a gift in disguise if we use it to make better decisions in the future. Rather than focus on the short-term setback, choose instead to learn lessons that will save you money and pain in the future. Instead of asking why, why, we need to ask ourselves what have we learned and what can we do so we don’t make the same mistake again.
There are no failures, Just results. We can do this, P. This is only a setback. Hopefully, next time the outcome will be different. No matter what, we need to keep moving in the right direction. You have come so far, P. I think more than you realize. Hang in there. Brighter days are on the way.
It is time, P. We have both messed up. I for one have messed up big time! What are we going to do about it? I don’t think either one of us is ready to throw in the “recovery” towel, so what choice do we have but to keep on fighting! Wishing you a gamble-free day. Make it a good one!
I feel like this is the end of the line for me, too, P. I have to make recovery work this time. I just have too! I hope we can both look back on today as our turning point

[icandothis]

Hi Laura, Just wanted to say hi and welcome to GT. It is good to see you continuing to post. Many begin and then stop. I feel for you, as my mother was also an alcoholic . Though she was somewhat functioning. Always the secrecy and I had a lot of shame and guilt. Sometimes with gambling I wonder if I am addicted to the shame and guilt and secrecy of it all as well as the escape . Anyway, it is good to see you taking control of things. You have a lot to look forward to with your studies. Gambling can rob you of many things. Keep taking it ODAAT. You are doing great! I like that you are giving yourself little rewards and chocolate is a good one!

[Author]

Posts