[icandothis]

Welcome back, Izzi. I have thought of you often, and I was wondering if you had been able to make it to the U.S. Glad to hear you made it, even if you gambled. It is great that you were able to save enough money to do so. I know you can get back on track again this time around. I am so happy to hear you have mentors that you can turn to and who can help keep you on recovery road. I think getting help outside your family is the best thing for you at this time. I keep saying to myself that I am going to see a counselor, and then I don’t do it. I think my husband and I have a good relationship, but gambling is something the two of us just can’t talk about.

[icandothis]

Thanks for checking in on me, Vera. You are right, I do have a great life at home…WHEN I DON’T GAMBLE. I can’t believe after only 3 weeks, I am having thoughts of gambling. The time to stop them is now. I keep telling myself that this is it this time. this is when recovery sticks and I stick with my commitment not to gamble again. Luckily for me, I have been so busy since Florida. We had a family wedding last weekend on my husband’s side. So beautiful and so much fun! My hubby and I danced and danced and danced…not really with each other. lol He loves to dance with all the ladies, and I just assume dance by myself. It works out quite well! lol
I have 3 very good friends who are struggling with cancer, particularly this week. Surgery, chemo and radiation. I feel so bad for all of them, but it feels good to want to be present to help them out or even to just let them know I am thinking of them. Gambling made me such a bad friend. Today I can take the time to do something nice for my dear friends. Gambling won’t take that away from me…not today!

[icandothis]

Hi Kathryn, I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. I know you will be able to put this blip behind you. Perhaps this is what you needed to get your recovery back on track. Even if you were not gambling, maybe there were things you were not tending to. Like you! Have you been ignoring your own needs and desires? I know in my own life, I need to focus on making changes and taking responsibility for creating a new direction. Trying to pay attention to what it is I really want at this time in my life. When I am gambling I don’t have to focus on those hard questions and it slows down change. Even when I am not gambling, the strain and attention I give to trying not to gamble distracts me from figuring out what it is I could be doing to move my life forward and open myself up to change. You may not relate to this at all. Just sharing some thoughts. Take care and keep posting.

[icandothis]

Hi Liz, I know you have already had lunch with your daughter, but I am sending a prayer your way. Stay strong and stay strong. You are so right when you say you can’t change anyone but yourself. And let’s face it, that is a full time job! lol Thanks for the reminder that things like meditation, hot baths and exercise are an important part of recovery. We need to take care of ourselves because no one else will do it for us.

[icandothis]

Thinking of you Carole and hoping you are doing ok.

[icandothis]

2 weeks and seems like an eternity. I just got back from a long weekend with my high school girlfriends. Stayed at my friends’ parents’ condo in Florida. Got a taste of living the good life. Almost like a fantasy. So much opulence. I have to admit, I loved it, and am thinking I could get used to it! lol Looking around me at all the beauty, it was easy to forget my troubles, and it seemed as if all was well with the world. At least until we turned on the late night news. lol
There were three of us. Best friends in high school, 40 years ago. We talked nonstop, and I mean nonstop for 3 1/2 days. We did something else that I haven’t done in a long time…we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Although I felt as if I were in a dreamland, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time…I felt normal.
Now that I am home, I am having urges. I won’t give in.
It’s hard to explain, but I loved seeing the mansions. I loved seeing how these rich people lived and I loved being part of it, even if it was only for a few days and in my imagination.
At the same time, it made me realize that I can’t waste another penny. It made me ask what makes my life rich. What really matters to me? I am not jealous of rich people. Rich people are nice. Laughter is the best medicine. Girls (even old girls like me) just want to have fun!
Living the good life is a choice and it is free!

[icandothis]

The gig is up. No more sneaking in and then out without getting caught…trapped…unable to leave. I hope I never forget the image in my dream of me trying to quietly sneak out and then being grabbed and handcuffed. Once I walk in, there is no escape.
There are times when I am playing a machine, I know things are not going well. But, I can’t make myself leave…I willingly handcuff myself to that machine. I literally cannot get myself out of that chair until there is nothing left to put into the machine.
Definition of addiction..something that has more power over your behavior than you do.
I know if I go back, I will never have control/power over my behavior. It’s just the way it is.
This feels like a big ahah moment for me. Duh, I know. lol But, now recovery means doing whatever needs to be done so that no matter what comes my way…come Hell or High Water…I must not enter a casino.
I know it also means taking my power back and then redirecting it.
All in good time, all in good time.

[icandothis]

Walked up to this crowded bar. The bar kind of looked like a roulette table. Some man said something to me about being there before. I told him that I had never been there before. He told me he thought I had been there several times and others at the bar agreed I had been there several times also. They said I never came to the bar. I just snuck past the bar and then rushed directly to the back. I realized then that that was where the slot machines were. I thought to myself, since they all recognize me, I am going to sneak out of here and then never come back to this place. As I got up to leave, someone said, “oh no, you don’t” They grabbed me and put handcuffs on me and also handcuffed me to two other people whom I didn’t know. Then I woke up.
This dream would make more sense if I was barred from casinos, but I am not. Anyway, still feeling quite stressed after my last gamble, which I pray to God is my last gamble!

[icandothis]

Thanks so much Vera, P, and Charles. Charles, on day 1, I was going to commit to posting on a daily basis because I really want to be accountable. I, of course, did not because I have a hard time commiting to anything. I have had a hard time getting into groups and stopped trying. Something I can also work on. I stop posting because I am gambling, but also because I think I give it to much thought and worry about what I am saying. Also, I become compulsive about signing in to this site and reading posts.
At this point, I would have to say I am feeling after all this time here, that I haven’t been very successful. I am not trying to put myself down, it’s just the way I feel. I am starting to think too much again. So, for today, I will pledge to try to post something each day, even if it is a hello or one small thought about my recovery or just recovery in general.

[icandothis]

Hi Liz, I can relate to what you said about your daughter calling only when she needs something. when I see my daughter’s name on my phone, I think, Oh my, what does she need now? lol

[icandothis]

Vera, I couldn’t find your thread to post to you. I wanted to congratulate you on your five weeks one day early. I did see several threads that you posted for other people. I so appreciate your support. I am struggling with what to say about my recovery. After all this time, what recovery? Day 2. We all know what that feels like. I have been on a road to self-destruction, not just with gambling, but with other areas of my life. I do not have a lot of faith in my ability to change, but at the same time, I know that if I can’t change, I will self-destruct in some way. What a waste of a perfectly good life! Why do I insist on living this way? You are right, Vera, it is just too much…

[icandothis]

I would like to say all is well, but it is not. How many times does it take??? Can I ever get it right??? Is there hope??? I am holding on to just a glimmer.

[icandothis]

Welcome, from the prairie

I’m off to work, but I just wanted to say I am glad you found this site. Don’t let those good figures fool you. Eventually, they will lose or they already lost and are trying to catch up. It’s a losers game. Recovery is the only winning game we can play. Glad to have you join in! We’re all in this together!

[icandothis]

Thank you, Charles. I do think it is easier for me when I have more routine in my life. It’s funny you mention getting back into my non gambling routines, because I have been working on creating new, healthy and productive daily routines or habits. Not that successfully. lol But it is hard to get back into the swing of things after a vacation. And, there is so much going on in the summer that it distracts me. Which is a good thing because it distracts me from gambling thoughts also. I am going to keep plugging along. The truth is I haven’t had any desires, dreams, goals or ambitions for myself in years. Gambling took over all of that. So, now I am kind of flailing about. But I am holding on to the thought that anything’s possible. For now, I am trying to anchor myself into my life as it is, and working to create and accept new things into it. I want a life that is so full that I can’t imagine wanting to waste any of my precious time or money sitting in front of a machine! I guess that’s the work of recovery. So, today, I’ll focus on those non gambling routines.
Thanks for your support, Charles!

[icandothis]

Hi Suerodgers, Those morning afters are horrible. I know. But, you just took one very large and positive step to recovery by finding and posting on this site. Here you will find people who not only care, but who truly understand what you are going through. I also know how hard it is to tell your husband. Another very important step. I can relate, and I am sure many others can as well when you say you hate the person that you have become. I believe that the greatest blessing of recovery(and you are in recovery) is that we can begin to see ourselves differently when we stop gambling. I love what Sad said on someone’s thread. She said, “All we know is that we recognize we have a problem, and we are working on sorting it out.” With time, patience, and a continued commitment to recovery things will sort out. Have faith. And as we always say, Take It One Day at a Time!

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