[icandothis]

Thanks Vera and P, My dog is fine, but our carpets, which we recently had cleaned, are now a mess! Dogs!!!
I haven’t seen my friend or worked since her episode last Monday. Her daughter has not been very good about keeping me posted. I have been struggling this last week. I think it’s because I hate when things are up in the air. Feeling like my life is on hold. Worrying about my friend. Not knowing what to expect when I do see her, and wondering what activities we can do together, now that jazzercise is no longer an option. Yesterday, I got a call from someone from jazzercise wondering where we were, and if we were coming back. It made me realize how much I would miss it and the people I have gotten to know there. I guess I hate when my life changes and I have no control over what is happening. I know this is a trigger for me, as it was in the past with my parents’ illnesses, and the changes it caused to my lifestyle. Also, the anxiety of worrying she might have another episode while I am with her, and also I have been thinking a lot about my mom. Worrying about my friend in general since she is 87 years old, and I have come to love her and care about her very much.
This has helped to get these thoughts down. I have been working on being more open to change, and I know there are things in life that we have no control over…that’s life!..God help me to accept it all!!! Serenity Prayer.
This morning I was on my way to work to visit my friend, when her daughter texted me saying her mother wasn’t up to a visit today. I had planned to take her to a movie.
All dressed and ready to go…where do you think I then thought about driving that car???
Thought about it, but thought I would drive home first, clean the dishes from last night, and call my husband. He told me he would see me later, as he was coming home to see the contractor. (Our living room is leaking, again!)
Saved by the contractor!!! No gambling today!!!

[icandothis]

Oh the temptation! Thought about going and not telling. Gloomy, cold day…perfect day for the bright lights. Then I read Vera’s post and thought..tired of the lies, especially to myself…why not make a comforting fall meal instead, so I went online and found a recipe for Butternut Squash Stew for dinner tonight and a baked apple recipe for dessert. Yum! Of course, I’ll have to get some vanilla ice cream, too!
Today, I will not gamble, and there is lots of comfort in that, too!

[icandothis]

Hi Lizbeth, What a positive post! Not surprising. Recently, as I was looking for Maverick’s thread, I came across the post on one of your threads about your heart attack. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t that long ago. I wasn’t surprised of how positive you were about the whole thing. Only talking about how lucky you were to be alive. So Lizbeth!!! Reading that made me an even bigger fan than I am already!
Like, P, I saw myself in your mother’s behavior. I remember getting so antsy and then irritated when I knew my husband wasn’t going to offer to take me to the casino. He had no idea why I was so upset. Now, I am happy when he is in the car with me, so there is no opportunity for me to make a stop. Baby steps!
It is good news about your daughter, and I am glad that you and your sister had such a nice visit!

[icandothis]

Hi John, I have been reading through your thread. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I have lost my mom more that two years ago, and it has been a struggle recovering from the loss and recovering from compulsive gambling at the same time. I also know that it wasn’t just her loss I was recovering from but the days and years leading up to her death. She had dementia so I was her caregiver, but I also witnessed her steadily decline. Each change for the worse, was a loss for me along the way. This may be the same for you. It’s not just the loss of your mom, but the entire ordeal, from the time you learned she had cancer to when you lost her. This takes a lot out of a person. After my mom passed, it felt like I was going through a series of after shocks. I still wonder how I was able to get through those final days.
I am sharing because I wonder if you might be experiencing the same. Every one is different.
I do see a similarity in that I see, like me, your tendency to be hard on yourself. I can tell you not to do that, but it probably will take some time for you to come around. I also see a similarity in your desire to change and rebuild your life…and to do it now. The problem with that is, every time I have a bit too much to drink, or lash out at my husband, or fail to start exercising yet again, or I don’t see any improvement in our finances, I think…what’s the use, I will never change and my life will never change.
You have a strong desire to rebuild your life and that is why you are going to do it. It will happen, but it might not happen over night. Be patient, take it one day at a time, one baby step at a time. We are all a work in progress. I can honestly say my life is better than it was two years ago, although I do wish I had gone to see a counselor.
Kind of a long post. I said something like this to Micky, and it applies to you. It takes great courage to see our weaknesses, the areas of our lives we wish to change and then take the steps necessary to make those changes. You are doing that…you are rebuilding your life one step at a time, one day at a time. I applaud you!!! Bravo!!!

[icandothis]

So, on Monday, my companion/friend wasn’t feeling well. Her back was hurting. I decided to skip jazzercise and I brought her to my house. We watched Call the Midwives and we ate my leftover cream of chicken soup. She seemed ok. I had a heating pad on her back and massaged it. I took her home. When we were in her driveway, her eyes rolled back in her head. She just stared past me and then collapsed in the front seat of the car. I ran in the house and called for her SIL and told him to call 911…thank God he was home. He came outside and tried to get her into the house. She vomited and vomited. then collapsed in the driveway…I will never make that cream of chicken soup again! When he saw for himself how bad she was, he called 911. Just me, my unconscious friend, and my cream of chicken soup.
The paramedics were great. We ended up in emergency.
I have to go again…there is something wrong with my dog. I’ll write more later…
to make a long story short, my friend is ok. She is in the hospital with a kidney infection and perhaps something wrong abdominally.
Now, I have no idea what is wrong with my dog!

[icandothis]

My job is getting complicated. The woman I am a companion to can no longer do jazzercise or line dancing. I need to work on finding other activities that we can do together. That was a great set-up for me.
My husband wants me for something or another. I’ll write more later.

[icandothis]

November 4 is gamble-free. All I can do is to pledge that tomorrow will be the same. Tomorrow is an unexpected day off. A trigger. Pledging early. Accountability. Accountability. Accountability.

[icandothis]

I think we’ve both had enough regrets to last a lifetime, Vera. Past due for some relief! Well, just for today…
Thanks for joining in!!!

[icandothis]

Micky, Thank you for the kind post on my thread. I have read through your journal, also. You are doing great. I, too, have gambled less often, but find that the losses are bigger and bigger. I have had to look honestly at the damage done this past year. I found I was fooling myself when it came to my recovery. Still we have to look at the big picture. You are making great progress. I love reading your posts.
We have something else in common. I, too, would drink alcohol to get me through those days after gambling. I haven’t given up drinking completely, but I do need to be careful, and am working on that as well. I am very impressed with the progress you have made with that as well. Keep up the good work. There isn’t a person on this planet that doesn’t have things about themselves they should be working on. It takes great courage to see our weaknesses, then seek out the help we need, and then actually take action to change as you have done!!! You should be very proud of yourself!

[icandothis]

OMG, Lee. So good to hear from you again. I have spent the last 1/2 hour looking for your old thread, so I could respond to you on it and bring it back up to the top. I finally found it on page 20, but it wouldn’t let me make a comment. So, I guess it will be up to you to start your old thread up again or start a new one. In one of your posts you said that we can’t do recovery alone. We are here for you.
I also was reminded of the time you started a thread for me to encourage me to come back and continue with my recovery. So sweet. I saw how I quit my thread when I was discouraged. I am not going to do that again. This is it for me. My recovery road has been bumpy, very bumpy, but I am not giving up. I think something has clicked for me. I think it has to do with thinking at the beginning of this year that things would be better. It would be different. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t different. I now am working on changing myself and also accepting the changes in my life. The hardest thing for me is to accept the fact that I can’t gamble and I will never be able to do so again. I don’t know if I will ever get there. So I am just trying to live my life one day at a time, and focusing on how much better every thing is when I don’t gamble. Enough about me…Welcome back!
Ok, not enough about me. About that $16,000…Last night we had friends over, and we told them the story. We all had a good laugh about it…we laughed quite a bit, as I served my famous and very potent Witches’ Punch. lol I am thinking this morning how good it felt to laugh about our finances. I wasn’t sorry or ashamed. As I told my friends, “It was a simple mistake, I simply missed a period.” I am also thinking about another story, one that has been repeated several times through the years. The one where the man’s wife goes to the casino. She intends to spend $100, but she makes a mistake and spends $1000 instead. This story isn’t funny, not funny at all!!! Quite tragic, really!

[icandothis]

So many unexpected expenses this month. At least gambling has not added to the damage. I remember those feelings of despair when these expenses would come up after I had already gambled and my husband wasn’t aware of the damage that was already done. I would just feel sick. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I do need to remind myself of that sick feeling and the fact that I no longer want to feel that way.
I did have a sick feeling today when my husband called me and asked me if I had paid the gym $16,000. I had paid the bill online and I guess I missed a period…meant to enter $160.00 Oops!!! Things were straightened out, but that could have been a costly typo! lol

[icandothis]

Tomorrow is 5 weeks. I have been so busy. This busyness makes me want to gamble. Doesn’t make sense. My computer broke down last week. Haven’t been able to post. Using my husband’s computer. We have spent so much money this month. But, not one penny spent on gambling. The urges have been huge lately. I think, “I haven’t gambled, but there are all these other expenses that come up. What is the point to not gambling, we will never make progress.” The difference is that I can take my husband’s hand and say, “this is destiny and we can face it together and work together to change things” Instead of continuing to choose something that chooses his destiny and says, “I will keep doing something that hurts you, me and our future together.”

[icandothis]

Izzy, hang in there. Focus on yourself, on your own recovery. Your mentors can help you do this. Turn to them.

[icandothis]

It sounds like a grand time, Kathryn! Enjoy!

[icandothis]

Good to hear from you, Izzi. We share a not so pleasant past, but I am looking forward to sharing better days…the brighter side of recovery with one another. After all this time that you have been away, I am a little sad to be saying that I am only on week 3. But I do believe if we work on recovery long enough, eventually something clicks. I hold on to the thought that even if I have slipped and fallen along the way, I am better off than I was before I joined you all on this road to recovery. So here I am, and here I will stay. Oops, I just remembered that I committed to writing something on my thread every day. I haven’t been doing that. I have to be careful about making little promises that I don’t keep because I tend to beat myself up about them if I don’t follow through, and I usually don’t follow through. Especially important today, as I am enjoying a lazy morning and I am trying to get myself committed to some healthy habits. Consistency is not one of my virtues. It’s more like I consistently break my good habits and consistently continue my bad ones. Yikes! I do have work to do! I keep looking at the clock and thinking “get going” But, I also need to say, “forgive yourself. You deserve a day off, a day to focus on recovery, a day to strengthen my resolve…which has been shaky since my trip to Florida, you don’t want to gamble today, which is a good thing.”
Wait a minute! Am I feeling guilty about a day spent focusing on recovery??? I think I am!!! To be continued…

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