[IAdmitIHaveAProblem]

Has been feeling a bit better as the days passed, focusing on work/study/gym and taking the view that the loss will be insignificant in the longer-term, as long as it stops here.

Last couple of days have seen an increase in the amount of thoughts urging me to win it back. That I’ll just recover the amount and then draw a line under the whole thing and be able to move on. That it would be “cleaner” that way. Increased difficulty accepting the amount lost, comparing the amount to x months of work, etc.

I’m still holding out but it’s frustrating how this seems to ebb and flow, I’d thought it was getting better.

[IAdmitIHaveAProblem]

Thanks everyone. Some sobering experiences there though also a lot of courage displayed in facing reality.

This morning was really tough. I dragged myself to work but I kept thinking in terms of how long it’ll take to earn back what I squandered. I know that’s counterproductive but definitely the hardest part of this is accepting the money is gone and that there’s nothing to be done. My head is screaming that I need to get it back and then stop. Just like previously!

The only thing I can liken the thoughts/emotions to is grief. I really don’t mean to belittle that experience with the comparison. But the constant disbelief, searching for a way to “undo” what happened, running through events thinking “if only I had done x or y”, etc; it all feels similar. I’m definitely a “what if” thinker.

People were happy about payday soon but (like everything recently) all I could think was how it’s only a fraction of the amount thrown away. Anything with any possible monetary value seems like a slap in the face currently!

[IAdmitIHaveAProblem]

Hi again

Firstly I just want to say many thanks indeed for both of your replies.

I agree gambling is a problem in its own right for me now. No going back. Steps I have taken so far: I have confided in close friends rather than carry this secret, I have handed over my bank cards so I literally can’t deposit, and am excluded everywhere I held an account.

Despite these positive steps I must admit it’s been really difficult so far. I can’t seem to stop obsessing on the figure, on what I could have done with that money, how many months I have to work just to “get back to even”, etc. I find acceptance of the loss incredibly hard to accept. Mood wise I’ve been very very low. Everything seems to remind me of the loss or I relate everything to a multiple of the amount.

The compulsion has been screaming at me to just win it back and then never ever gamble again, just one last time, etc. As though I can benefit from the lesson without paying the price. Like I said I don’t have access to money to be able to do it, otherwise I know I would slip.

In the past (years ago) I once lost £14k and after a week of trying to accept it I won it back on a single spin. Rather than horrifying me (as it should) I think this taught me I can make it it back. So this time I’m finding it incredibly difficult to leave things as they are. It feels like I need to take action to reverse the situation. Of course I realise this is all sick and irrational, but it is quite a battle! I fear I’m always going to be thinking “I could have had x” rather than truly accepting it as gone and no longer fantasizing about undoing the loss. Hopefully this will fade in time.

Edit: Something I’ve been thinking about (obsessively) is whether I could have quit this while ahead. Like I said in my first post, even when I was up I had actually started self excluding. I can’t stop wondering whether – if I’d simply had the momentary will power to withdraw and exclude from that last site – that could have been it. Or do you think the last gambling experience really does have to be a loss in order to “truly believe” it’s something that must stop?

Thanks again

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