[I_Maverick]

That’s a great post Charlster old boy. You;ve come so far since your lapse a few weeks ago. Don’t forget the serenity prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

You can’t change how your landlord will react, but you can charge how you approach it.

Do you have a date yet for GMA for your initial assessment?

take care, and I wish you a positive gamble free day.

[I_Maverick]

Not thought about gambling at all. Went to GA last night, saw old friends. Spoke with many people. Today ahs been a tough day moodwise – still full of regret and remorse, thinking about what I did and why i did it – how could I be so stupid. It’s not just the gambling, it’s the way I’ve been living my life, not doing things properly. Gambling took up so much of my headspace I didn’t pay my copmany bills when I could have, didn’t work on the project hard enough (even though the client is happy) and could have made more money by reinvesting the profits to make more money. So many missed opportunties. I am sure, though, if I sort my heda out and stay away from gambling life is bound to throw me more opportunities.

I still think about my doc: Recovery, One Day At A Time. I have a clearer idea about it now. It will feature testimonials from compulsive gamblers in various stages of recovery, talking about not just their gambling, what they did, what it made them do and who they became while gambling, but who they are now, what their path is, where they are trying to go. I want the film to be positive and optimistic. I will also feature in it so I can tell my story – if I am making the film then I will be in recovery, but the film is not about me. But with the filmmaker being the same as the characters, that adds a certain weight that I like. I will also feature experts in compulsive gambling, talk about studies, explain what compsulsive gambling is so people understand it better. It really is not understood as well as say alcoholism or drug addiction. I want the film to lay bare the trauma that having a gambling addiction can bring. I read it every day here on the blogs, but I read about recovery as well.

I spoke to my sponsor today for some advice. He stopped gambling at the age I am now, after 20 years of gambling. When he finally stoped (and he has been gamble free for 9.5 years) he felt releif. It took 3 years of going to GA to finally stop. From owing 000s he now has a flat, car, hiw own succesful busness and life is good for him. He is now 52/3. He is loving life, still has his ups and down, but he has returned to a normal way of life, as the GA book says.

I know that one day at a time I can achieve this – I need to plan for the future, but not stress over it. I need to start thinking forwards, not back. It is had at the moment as I am in the middle of the train wreck, but hopefully this will make me stronger.

Onwards and upwards everyone.

I love you all, and I hope you can stay gamble free. For those of you still going through the lasping. relapsing period stick it out – it is worth it.

[I_Maverick]

Just taken a load of stuff to the office. My working life packed into boxes, the furnitire my brother made for me all taken down. EVerything I have done for 6 years. I am in the office now getting ready the next trip. I am so down about this, so much shame and sorrow. I know this is a truning point in my life, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The hurt I have caused my wife and son, my parents, my brother. The pain I have caused myself all because I couldn’t stop gambling and sort myself out until evertything was gone. Until I broke it all. I don;t know how I did this. I look back and I can remember my head space – I just wanted ot gamble, then stop, then gamble, then stop. I found myself gambling in a trance, separated from myself. Just losing money, more self respect – not thinking about the future at all, lost in a daydream of destruction. I know I am not the only one, but I am shocked at how low this brought me. How I couldn’t see this when I first realised I had a problem. What did I get out of gambling, what need did it fulfil. I hope to find out on the course. GMA is only 3 months, not long that will pass so quickly, so I need to get myself healthy.

I am going to quit smoking and start exercising, get my mind AND body healthy. Start to make plans, dream for the future but not make the same mistakes. No more hiding behind addictions and substances. I resolve to not drink again (haven’t since Jan) and sort myself out one day at a time.

My name is Maverick and I am a Compuslive Gambler. When I start I cannot stop.

[I_Maverick]

Charlester, I feel so much of your pain is my pain too. I cannot begin to understand the complexity of the sitiuation you are in, but you are doing the right things. Get yourself ready for GMA. Do you have a start date yet? I know that I could conceivably keep the office going, but it would require me to be 100% which I am not. When I am on a full tank I am charming, funny, good at what I do, I listen carefully etc etc. At the moment I would come across as desperate to any potential new clients, I would be scrabbling around in the dark, feeling the same pressures with the business.

We just took a van load of stuff to the storage space and have one left to do. I’ve had this opffice for nearly 6 years – it was my second home. It was also a place I came to gamble – prentending to work. On weekend, late evening. There are so many memories here but I know I have to move on if I am to fulfil my porntial.

I am an addict, there are no 2 ways about it – as are you. Addiction brings depression, self esteem issues, low confidence. Without treating the cause of our depression – gambling and what it has done – we can’t move on. As you say, we would only be papering over the cracks.

Harry makes some good points – talk to people, let them know the truth. WHo cares what they think. I am telling everyone I have a gambling problem but that I am addresssing it. Almost everyone I tell tells me they know someone who has or had a problem too. It is more common than you think. We are lucky that we are doing something about it. I never want to feel like this again – I am still coming to terms with the reality, but I must as must you.

All my thoughts are with you.

Take care and don’t gamble, it won’t solve anything at all.

[I_Maverick]

How are you feeling today Charlster? I have a tough day with putting my office stuff into storage, but I know it is for the best. I have to prep for GMA – without GMA the rest of my life will be the same as it has been. I need a break more than anything, time for me. I have spent so much time for other people, the only me time I ever got was gambling and that led nowehere. I am more than a compuslive gambler, but all I have really done is gamble for 3.5 years. I cannot allow this addiction to take any more of my life – I have to take lessons from this and I hope youc an too.

You’ve done so well after your lapse, despite the initial despair I think you are stronger and you are ready for recovery, as am I.

have a great gamble free day, let us know how you are doing.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So today we have to move all the packed boxes and equipment from the office to storage. Tomorrow we can clean/ paint the office. ON Thursday Monica has interviews and meetings for potential work so I get Valentin all day, which I am excited about. On Friday I have a meeting with my accountant and then with a friend who has a new business proposition. What a full week.

Next week I need to help Monica clean our flat as she has someone moving in to the spare/ my room (we haven’t shared a bed for a long time due ro my depression/ gambling and how it ruined our relationship) and then I have to do the final bit and pieces of work on my business and prepare fully for GMA. ON Saturday 9 I travel to my brother’s house to leave my car there and he will drive me to Dudley to GMA.

What is recovery. Recovery is a personal experienced for everyone, as only we know what it is we did and how we did it. But recovery is not placing a bet one day at a time, but it is more than that. It is changing our way of thinking, of seeing, of acting.

Last night I had a wonderful night at GA. When I got the opportunity to give my therapy I read a passge from the GA book “Towards 90 Days”, This sums me up, sums up my gambling and how it affected me, and what was going on in my mind.

Here it is:

Accept the illness for what it is
Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness, which ca never be cured but can be arrested, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

The compsulive gabler is dominated by an irresistable urge to gamble. Coupled with this is the obsesive idea that a way can be found, not only to control the gambling but to make it pay and enjoy it.

While compulsively gambling, we foten express a desire to stop forever but, inveitably, we find ourselves back in action.

For most of us there are days, weeks or even months when we are certain we have gained control. These intervals invariably are followed by long periods of all-out uncotrolled gambling during which a progressive deterioation in almost every department of out lives become evident.

This deterioration is most acute in the relationship with our wives and husbands, friend, realtives and employers.

Therefor, acceptance of the progressive nature of our illness is vital to enable us to recover and return to a normal, productive and enjoyable way of life”

This passage completely sums up my entire mindset to gambling over the last 3 years. I tried to control il, enjoy it, make it pay. Some weeks or months I didn’t gamble much, but I did gamble at least every 2 or 3 days for an hour here or there. And then it would collapse into non-stop gambling, when I would do terrible damage.

I know I never want to gamble again, as one bet will lead to more. It doesn’t stop. The only way for me to recover is to not place another bet.

Thanks everyone. have a great gamble free day.

[I_Maverick]

What a wonderful post Charles. As always, lovely to see you in the room tonight. Had a great time at GA – really worth the effort. I have a really good therapy and I heard wonderful therapies too. Really like everyone there on a MOnday night – it’s a club that I might not have wanted to have been part of, but I am glad I am.

Would love some of your veg, so if you live near Dudley you can post some carrots etc to GMA?

take care, see you soon and thank you as always for being there. You are a wise philosopher. I like listening to you. It’s good for my soul.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Jen

Thanks for your post. I just just got back from GA where I had a wonderful meeting and had a great therapy and listened to some wonderful therapies. There was a chap there who I brought to GA last week, and he hasn’t gambled since. For all of you who don’t go to GA – try it with an open mind. It is a wonderful place full of recovery, knowledge and above it, it does work if you want it to.

I have a head full of positivity. I am very happy I went. I feel strong about tomorrow, strong about the future of the business. It all feels like this should be happening – which is useful as there is not a thing I can do about it.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my mental posts – I think without this forum I would have gone mad. I feel as if I am making friends here, people who I care about and who care about me – even if we don’t ‘know’ each other, we do know each other, all of us being members of the most expensive club in the world.

recovery – one day at a time. Please, yes.

Day 26 tomorrow – this is now the longest I have been without any sort of a bet since, I think, July 2011. And I don’t care that I can never have another bet. I just want to be without that drug, as I cannot handle it any more. It ceased to be fun many many moons ago and has brought only misery. I know there will be difficult days again, but as I sit here now I feel I might be able to handle them.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thank you Velvet for your wonderful post. I am doing what I should have done years ago and seeking advice. I don’t know how this will work out, but regardless life goes on. I have made so many bad decisions, I don’t know what I am doing right now.

But I need to go to GMA that is clear to me. Tomorrow we put everything into storage and on Weds finish cleaning the office, hoovering etc. On Thursday I have my son all day as Monica has some work with our clients and on Friday I have a meeting with my accountant and a friend who has offered me a position in his new company. I have told him about my addiction. I think I will tell everyone who matters. I am sure I will get advice on that from GMA.

Thank you everyone for listening and offering advice. I am shocked by how low this addiction has brought me, and I remember all the times in the past 2 years I had the chance to change this. i couldn’t, the addiction wouldn’t let me.

I accept i am addicted to gambling and I always will be. I will be a CG forever, but I hope to be in recovery forever and change my life. Perhaps this is what I need.

Love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

I know what you are saying and I agree. The truth is, do we want to be free of this addiction and move on in our lives. I have wreaked so much damage in just 3 years. It has taken over my life to such an extent that I cannot wait to be free of all of this and be at GMA where I can come to terms with what I have done. I am now in a race against time to make this happen. Is my company insolvent or can I fix it? Will the creditors give me time? Is it worth fixing? Will I win this contract again? Will my head ever be clear and free of this mess? Not until I clean up the mess one way or another and the same is true of you. You need to clean your mess up so that when you go to GMA you can make the most of it.

I really urge you to go to GA. I have made many friends there and I can text them their advice, especially people who have been free of gambling for many years. I know a guy who wrecked his company as well as he has been offering advice, especially when it comes to the mental state of things.

I have been walllowing in self pity for so long it has become a default mode – why did I do this, why didn’t I do that etc etc These are questions I will answer, and more in treatment. What are my failings – laziness, leaving things to chance, not planning.

You take care

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Adam. It’s all go at the moment, seeking the help I need. Maybe my business doesn’t need to go under, maybe it does. The key thing is that I work hard on my recovery and make the plans I need to make.

Well done mate on 61 days. You should maybe think about starting going to GA, they are good meetings and it helps to be able to talk to people. The 12 step programme is a good programme, one I am looking forward to starting once I hit 90 days gamble free in 65 days. Today would have nee day 43 – ho hum.

Take care and enjoy your day off.

[I_Maverick]

Charlster, I am telling everyone about my gambling addiction and the fact that I am going into rehab, from my accountants to HMRC to everyone. I realise the only way for me to rid myself of this is to be open to everyone. I need everyone’s support. inclduing HMRC, so they need to know I am going into rehab as I am trying to keep the company going.

I know how you are feeling, truly I do. At the moment I am struggling to work out where I stand, where the copmany stands, making my wife redundant. I have simply left everything to the last minute. I could have avoided all of this by stopping gambling last year and focusing on the business and building it up, taking pride in it – instead the gambling took over, leading to depression, leading to more gambling and so on.

I am never ever gambling again, it has brought me nothing but misery. I have probably stopped too late to save the business, we’ll see, but one way or the other I have to get thorugh this. Time marches on, we have to deal with the shit we have created. But it is hard – if someone had been able to show me this future I know I would not have gambled. But strangely I did see it – I saw it in the faces and stories of other people from GA. But I thought I was different, I could handle it. I’ve learned now what a powerful addiction this is, how it takes over your mind and soul. And it does – it stopped me thinking straight on so many things – and now I cannot think straight at all.

I know now I will never be cured. I have pushed it too far. Maybe if I had stopped last year and stay stopped – but I would probably always have fallen into gambling again. As i would never had looked at the root cause of the gambling – unhappiness. And also I am probably the type of person that can’t stop until I hit rock bottom. BUt I have hit so many rock bottoms.

You can do it Charlster. This is our make or break moments. The moment we turn our lives around.

You have my love and support mate. I do hope one day we get the chance to meet once we have gamble free time behind us and more importantly a good future without gambling ahead of us.

take care.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

Thanks for that. I actually just had a chat with a business advisor and explained what I want to do, and he thinks there might be a way of keeping the company open. Closing the business is so complicated because we will have to still finish part of the contract. Also I just contacted by an old friend who wants to go into business with us. I think I am going to try and keep the company afloat just because it has a great trading history, despite the debts. There may be a way out of this.

I will keep you all informed.

Onwards and upwards

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Happy. Your words mean a lot. I just don’t seem to be able to accept what I have done – fucked myself, my family and my business. Everything. I cannot find any good in my life at all, and I cannot talk myself around it. I am just not in a good frame of mind at all. Part of me just wants to cancel the closing of the company, cancel GMA, and try and trade my way out of this. But the company is insolvent, it cannot pay its debts, we have no work coming in and my wife wants me out of the house. And what if I did cancel all of that and try and do that – am I in a fit state of mind to actually do it? It would take at least a month to find a contract, and on my own would be almost impossible.

HOw do I cope with this? How will I ever get through this?

[I_Maverick]

I am in bits. Why did I have to collapse mentally, why did I do this to myself? I am closing the office at the moment, speaking with the insolvency people, and I really don’t want to do this. Part of me is in denial, saying that i can fix this. But I know that is now impossible. The company has too many debts, I have lost too much time through this terrible crippling depression, coupled with the lapses, arguments, self harming. I am such a mess. I don’t know how to cope with this, my moods go up and down all the time.

I never understood how gambling would do this too me. I never realised that gambling COULD do this to me. How did I get so addicted that I didn’t stop last year and not only that, I didn;t do ANY work on the company at all such as payingour debts, doing new marketing etc etc. I think part of me made this happen. I think no matter what good things I have in my life I ruin them. I am so so scared of the future. I do not know what to do.

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I’ve noticed I keep saying the same things in my posts, I need to move on so badly. But am terrified – no job, debts etc etc.

I am sure that what I am feeling has been felt by many people who are addicted to gambling and could not stop until it was too late. Why do we do this?

Have a great gamble free everyday everyone – remember, it just isn’t worth it at all. I don;t mind I was addicted to gambling, but what pisses me off is that I allowed it to destroy everything I cared for. That is what i can’t understand.

[Author]

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