[I_Maverick]

Dude, just catching up with posts. So pleased for you. Day 54 for me. Hope all is well with you and yours, catch up soon.

[I_Maverick]

Well done on avoiding that near miss. I am so strident now about not gambling, that I am almost compuslive in being a non-gambler. I was quite fearful of coming out and finding some of my good friends here had relapsed. I believe that the forums here are very powerful, and they certainly helped for me. 54 days since my last lapse, April 2nd.

Gonna write up my blog now. Good luck and stay safe.,

[I_Maverick]

hey fella. How you doing? I’m out – long story which I will post on my blog. Just wanted to check you’re ok. I haven’t read up all the posts I missed yet, but just wanted to say how much good GMA will do you. turns out I wasn’t right for it and at my assesment they let me know they didn’t think they could help me. They are all lovely though, and I am sure it will work for you. I will put the info on my post.

Speak soon mate and take care – gonna read all your posts now and get updated. ALthough I left on Thursday of last week I have stayed away from all computers until now.

[I_Maverick]

Dear all,

I am back at my parents waiting for my brother to collect me. I drove up from London last night. I have now moved out of my house and have my bags packed and ready for GMA. I will be offline now for at least 2 weeks.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone on the forum here who has been with me I hope I have been a good community member. Knowing there are people out there who understand what this addiction does to your mind has helped me enourmously.

Charlster, Happy, P, Vera, Fritz, Seri, Slotjunkie, Harry, Charles, Janey, Velvet, Adam, Monique, Jansdad, JohnNobody, Geordie, Maverick and everyone else I may have forgotten.

I am off to Dudley leaving here at 6:30. I cannot sleep. I will miss my son and working, but I need to get better.

I had a farewell soft drink with my oldest friends on Weds, who know me better than anyone. First time I told them I had never quit gambling (I even lied to them) but they understood. They know me well and wishes me all the best. One of them is a senior exec in a global newsagency and he said there would be work for me as a producer when I come out so there is a silver lining.

This journey has entered a new phase for me now, and the advice and support I have received here has ben amazing.

I would love to keep writing, but I wish everyone a great recovery journey, and as soon as I can post an update I will.

All my love, regards and prayers to you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

Thanks for writing. It has been a pretty intense 3 days since my last post as I struggle to get everything done. There is still so much crap up in the air, not least the amount of money my company owes to HMRC not through gambling as such, but because I did not run the business. I realise that I used gambling as a way to escape responsability – but the more I gambled the more things got left behind. When I look back I am appalled at who I became. I used to be fairly organised, energetic, with believe and faith. For the last 3 years I have steadily got worse, lazier.

I have got a lot of stuff done – I need to go out again now and see someone who may have work for me when I come out.

I will post a nice long post and reply top some of the amazing stories I have read here.

Thanks everyone.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Magnus,

Wlecome to the site. Let me tell you you have found one of the best sites ever to help people stop gambling. The advice on here is great, there is lots of knowledge.

You are still very young, so if you can stop gambling now (and it is not easy) you will save yourself lots of pain later.

Block your computer from online gambling (K9, NetNanny, Gamblock, Betfilter etc)
Self exclude
Don’t hang out with friends who gamble
Stop watching POker on TV and don not read about it
Find other things to do – you will need to fill the void
Look for Gambler’s Anonymous near you

I am in the very early stages of what I hop will be my lifetime recovery. I have not had a bet for 33 days and it has been hell, with my moods shirting every way around.

Keep posting, tell you story, it will help. Be honest with yourself. Can friends/ family help you managing your money? Have you told anyone? Telling someone you want to stop gambling will help, most people will be sympathetic.It is a horrible addiction which will, in time, rob us of everything. Not just money, but self-belief, self-love, self-esteem and will lead nowhere but depression, darkness and down and down the elevator.

Take care and good luck. I hope to see you around.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

Many thanks for your words. I have poured my heart out on this blog (yours, mine others) in a way that is hard to do in real life. But I know I will never be judged, that everyone here understand what this illness has done/ does/ can do to us left unchecked. I believe I am in the early stages of my addiction and that left untreated will get worse – it’s gotten worse every day for 3 years, so certainly won’t get better.

I do have chinks of hope, but the depression keeps pushing them away from me. I must try harder to focus on them and try and turn the neative thoughts around. The truth is I am not going to prison (yet), I have not committed a crime. I have been addicted and that has made me act in a way that is totally alien to me. But I think this is a new chapter for me. I think I am destined to learn what I have to learn at GMA and every day after that. I want to be a good person, a smart person, a person who thinks things through, who doesn’t need cructhes or escapes, who can focus on his work, learn new skills, grow a, bring up my son well, be there for him as he goes through the struggle of life.

My life isn’t so bad and all my owes are self inflicted, but posting on here and getting responses such as yours mean so much. I do hope that I can meet you one day when we are clean, Charlster, and getting on with out lives as happy, productive normal non-gambling people, who can put this behind us as yet another learning curve. I feel you and I have so much in common, I am starting to think of you as a sort of older brother (don’t be offended).

I have seen you grow and learn through your posts, how you dealt with the lapse was nothing short of brilliant. You are a deep person as you say, I think you know yourself well. I do not know myself well, it seems. I am interested to see who I am when I am in therapy and working through the issues. What made me gamble so ferociously, what made me desire that above all else, especially as I was achieving my dream of owning my own production copmany. Maybe this is meant to happen, maybe, if there is a God, this is his plan. I cannot say. I must simply now trust in the love of this site and those around me. SO that I can give back.

I am going to do as you say, and be strong so that my wife can see me making an effort.

You take care and thank you for your time.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Charlster. I think you have hit the nail on the head. I need to keep my feelings more to myself and actually pull thr cloak across me and be strong. Fake it till I make it, it you will. I have been so srong in th epast I have come through so many things – but this is the hardest yet. I have neber lost so much and I do not mean money. The loss of my wife, son, business – everything. I feel I am beings tripped back, laid bare. Perhaps this is what I need – perhaps I need this time to regroup, get strong again and see what happens.

I am very childish for a man of my age, I feel I have never grown up. That’s not necesrrily a bad thing, but my immaturity led me to ignore the most important things – wife, son, business, work, and most importantly me. I have not taken care of myself for sl long, all I do is put myself down. I have been hiding in addictions for too long. How I feel is how I feel.

As ever thank you for the advice, I will try and remember it.

Do you have a date yet?

Take care

[I_Maverick]

Fantastic. How are you dealing with urges? Are you suffering any withdrawel? I am still suffering from deep depression. Take care and really happy for you – beat your last record of 66 days mate.

[I_Maverick]

Why am I not getting better in my mind. This is the longest I have been off gambling for a long time, but my mind is getting worse. My depression is deepening. My regrets growing. I KNOW there is nothing I can do about the past but it frustrates me of how I could be so blind as to where my gambling would lead. There was enough profit in the contract we did last year to pay off the company debts, make monica redundant, and pay for some advice to help build the company as we delivered the project. Instead, my gambling ramped up to a more intense level than ever before, where I would literally spend all day in the office playing poker. I would not do ANY work at all. I couldn’t. And when I forced my self to stop playing my head was spinning, I hated myself, and the only way those feelings went away was when I played again – and lost more money, and more time, and more self respect. I am fooling myself if I say I do not need Gordon Moody Associated. I have a very serious gambling addiction that got worse and worse and worse. It was bad in 2012, got worse in 2013 and then exploded in 2014. This year, when I seriously tried to quit, I have had 4 relapses since Feb 16th – which nearly cost me 15K, but didn’t in the end. But the intensity of playing with 1K per hand on BlackJack seriously messed with me. I remember at the end of Feb I was 2K up but couldn’t stop. I remember saying to myself “stop now before you lose it all, prove you’re not a CG”. But I couldn’t.

And all the while I was sinking further and further into depression, missing work opportunities to pitch on new work, not paying the copmany debts, sliding more and more into the deepest depression of my life.

Right now I am in a cafe waiting to go to my meeting with my accountant. That would be a trigger for me to gamble. I have my laptop, and usually I would get a few hands in before and after meetings. On the way I would be so excited my skin would itch, my head just thinking about gambling.

I believe I have a serious gambling addiction as I still think back to all the gambling days. What I have lost. Gambling is the only thing I think about and talk about. My whole thinking is totally skewed. And at the same time I have to prep for GMA, close my business, deal with HMRC, deal with my debts, got no money, no job, no future. Christ, I have really —-ed this up.

I read some of the stories here and they break my heart. This really is an insidious addiction, it takes no prisoners, makes us all horrible, nasty people. It robs us of who we are. I think this is the worst addiction I have ever had – I never gave it its dues before.

When I first went to GA I didn’t believe I had a problem. I had been CGing for 2 months. I thought I could handle it. This has won. I never want to gamble again.

I did find an online game site a few days ago and found myself playing poker just for points against oppoenents. It got my blood going again and so I stopped. I thought it might be like methadone, but no. It just made me want to gamble. What the —- is this about, why can’t I just forget about it. I need to focus on what I have to do – and yet, I am full of guilt, remorse, shame. Does anyone here know how to deal with these emotions? Do I just accept everything? I am starting to suspect that acceptance is the key.

I am a compuslive gambler
I have broken my marriage
I have broken my own spirit
I have put my career back years
I need to get better
I can never gamble again

I will be in GA in 1 week
I need to do – 6 months VAT returns
Finish cleaning office
Clean house and spare room for Monica
Get details of all my debts

In 2 months I will hopefully be in GMA
In 3 months I will hopefully be finishing GMA
In 4 months I will be out. Where will I live, where will I work, what will I do? Will my company be waiting for me? Will anyone employ me? Will I be in a better state of mind and able to deal with the shit I will have to deal with?

take care everyone, I wish you all a wonderful day. I am sorry for the negative post but I need to get it off my chest. I realise if I do not write here what I am thinking it gets lost in my head. This way I get it down on paper.

Love you all

[I_Maverick]

That’s a wonderful post Charlster. At the moment I am swinging wildly between wanting to go to GMA and now really regretting it. I am convinced that my gambling addiction is not as bad as everyone else, but if that was the case how come I spent so much time last year when I should have been working, gambling. And how did it make me so depressed.

I am regretting so much that i am now almost rgertting the last 10 mins of my life – I am a total mess.

I have so much respect for the way you approach things. You are very mature, you think things through. I am still flailing. I still have mountains of work to do before going to GMA and I keep putting it off, putting it off – unable to focus. I am so scared. So scared.

I have to see my accountants now about the business.

You take care mate, you be strong. You are strong – I need some of your strength. I love your posts, they really help me.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Happy. I have noticed my moods are swinging massively, and I am truly hateful of myself. I have ruined my life so much – I don’t want to sound like I am whining or moaning, but I am truly in pieces. I have never ever in all my life felt like this. I am living in a nightmare of which there is no escape. It seems that stopping gambling has made my mind worse in terms of the mood swings. I have gotten so little done since Jan of this year and time is just flying by. I go to GMA next week and I have still so much to sort out here. I cannot relax, my thoughts keep going back to last year when I had the world at my feet if I had seen it. If I had stopped gambling. If I had looked for recovery when I had the chance. God gave me the chance on Jan 27th of 2014. If I had gone back to GA and said there and the “that’s it, no more gambling. Quit forever” I would not be here now.

But I know I cannot change the past, but my mind is so fucked up right now. I don’t know what the future holds. I read so many sad stroies on here of people whose gambling has led them into dark places, and I am in a dark place too. How did that happen, how did I let it happen.

I wish everyone a good gamble free day. Day 33 today.

[I_Maverick]

So I am lost again. Thoughts running through my head. I don’t want to go to GMA, I don’t want to leave my life here. My gamling isn’t that bad, I want to save my company. I want to save my marriage. Why have I been so fucked up mentally all year, why have I been so lazy and not got the stuff done that needs to be don, why have I left it all so late?

I was going through my company bank accounts and at the start of the year I could have solved everything. Why am I deliberately sabotaging myself. WHy can’t I just live my life? I feel so alone. WHy have I let my copmany and my life just wither and die? Why does my wife hate me so much? Why can’t I have the strength I need to make the right decisions.

I have proved that I can go without gambling, but I am not functioning. WHy is that? Why did I apply for GMA when I am not as bad as some people? I know my gambling became a problem, but I have shown with the right blockers in place I can stop gambloing – but I have not recovered from the knowledge of what I have done. Or have I exxaderated in my mind? I know I have been self harming a few weeks ago in frustration and self hatred, but do I have to rn away from my life?

I am in such a state at the moment I do not think there is anyone who can help me make the right decision. I really don’t now what to do. I am quite suicidal at the moment.

Since my wife found out about my gambling the wheels have really come off my train. But do I have to run away?

The truth is since I ave been stopping gambling all my energy has been focused on that instead of focusing on turning my life around? Why am I so pathetic? I think JD was right, gambling is a small part of my problem. My problem is deeper and lies in the essential understanding of who I am. I have not had a bad life and yet I have created a hirrible life for myself. I grew up in a good family, but I have no self confidence, and for some reason I hate myself so I have created the life I have created.

Sbyil wrote amazing things on her blog about bio-feedback. For some reason I am feeling that I have exxacerbated my situation – I am so not in control of my emotions and feelings I am confused and scared. I am terrified of what I have done to my life, my wife;s life. I feel I have run away and thrown everything away.

I feel that closing the company is the wrong thing to doi, I just want to try and work my way out of it. But if I could do that, wouldn’t I hae done that? 33 days ago I lapsed and 18 days before that I lapsed. But I have done NOTHING useful or positive in the times in between except feel sorry for myself? Is that my depression, or who I am? Why haven’t I been able to break through? WHat is wrong with me?

My entire body is shaking right row, I am on the verge of tears and I have very begative feelinsg running through my mind. I want to gamble to make all of this go away – I know if I can gamble these thoughts will go – at least for a while. But that is the addiction talking. The addiction is what has made me feel this way. What do I do?

I am committed now to GMA, people have made arrangements, we have moved our stuff out of the office and into storage. But while I am at GMA I will not be able to work on my company, it is fester? It needs attention.

Has anyone out there been through what I am going through?

EMotionally I am a wreck, and all I can do is look back and see how lazy I have been, was that the gambling? WHy could I not stick to my plans? But I had problems before the gambling?

My life is such a mess, I am really scared. I am like a little boy, scared, lonely, at a loss. Can GMA help me with thiongs beyond the gambling?

WHy didn’t I stop the gambling when I had work on to focus on, why did I spend more and more time gamblong when I should have been working. I could have avoided all of this?

Sorry for the weird post, but my head is all messed up again.

I am scared.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Charlster, I take what you say very seriously. I am sorry about the fact you have no relationship with your daughter. I hope I can have a good relationship with my son going forwards, even if his mum and I are not together. I need to put my reocvery above everything else because without my recovery, I have nothing else.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks mate. I think that’s what makes this site so special, is that people who are strangers bonded by one addiction can reach out and help others. I would give my back teeth to have found this site back in 2012, and to have take recovery seriously. However, this way I keep my teeth and take recovery seriously now. It’s never too late to live a good life.

Your daughter is a young adult, have you been in touch with her to let her know how you are progressing? I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with her, but have you let her know how much effort you are putting into your recovery?

Have a great weekend mate. You take care.

[Author]

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